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“I Married a Leprechaun — And Now My Life is a Living Hell!”   Leave a comment

UNLIKE the evil imp who menaces Jennifer Anniston in the 1993 movie, most real leprechauns are reserved and gentlemanly.By C. Michael Forsyth

Susanne Dubhthach says the happiest day of her life came when she married a real-life leprechaun in 2011. But her dream wedding has turned into a nightmare thanks to her meddling in-laws who believe she’s a “gold digger.”

“They think I just married Gwrtheyrn to get my hands on his pot of gold,” Susanne told a Belfast newspaper tearfully. “But that’s not true. I love him with all my heart – and those two little monsters are doing everything in their power to drive a wedge between us.”

Susanne, 26, charges that mother-in-law Genovefa Dubhthach and her husband Corraidhin have pulled every trick in the book to torpedo her marriage, including:

* Tossing the traditional meal she’d prepared for a major festival in the garbage because it had “too many turnips. “
* Calling her a “barren wench” in front of a cottage-full of relatives for failing to produce grandchildren in four years of marriage.
* Stranding her for hours in a deep wood said to be inhabited by banshees.
* Using “the olde magyck” to turn her once porcelain-white skin an ugly beet red.

“I spent two days in the kitchen preparing that dish of rumbledethumps for the Grand Feast,” Susanne recalled. “When Genovefa tasted it, gave a look of disgust and threw it in the trash, it brought me to tears. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

SKEPTICAL of banks, many leprechauns still prefer to store their wealth in containers of gold known as crocks.

SKEPTICAL of banks, many leprechauns still prefer to store their wealth in containers of gold known as crocks.

As late as 1957, leprechauns were widely believed to be merely mythological creatures. But that year, anthropologists stumbled across a small population of the clannish, reclusive folks in a clutch of hamlets in Tipperary County. Experts believe the diminutive humans with distinctive pointy ears are descendants of the pint-sized inhabitants of the British Isles who dwelled there before the coming of the Celts in the fifth century B.C. Remarkably, many less-well-educated Americans still believe leprechauns are purely fictional. In a 2014 survey, a whopping 66 percent of Americans with a high school diploma or less agreed with the statement, “Leprechauns do not exist.”

“Leprechauns prefer to be known as ‘The Lurigadawne,” reveals reporter Colin O’Meadley, who interviewed the Dubhthaches. “They rarely wear green and they’re not too fond of the way their kind have been exploited by the tourist industry.”

Gwrtheyrn, 34, and his family operate a successful shoe-making business. He met attractive, redhead Susanne when she was working as a barmaid on the outskirts of the county, which leprechauns still call by its ancient name, Contae Thiobraid Árann.

“He came in for a pint, we talked and hit it off immediately,” Susanne recalled.

But when the pair began dating, Gwrtheyrn’s protective mom tried to put a kibosh on the relationship.

“She immediately ran credit and criminal background checks on me,” Susanne said. “She spent hours grilling me about my ‘intentions.’ That woman as much as accused me of being a hussy who only was interested in a man two feet shorter than me because he has this huge ‘crock of gold’ somewhere.”

The marriage ceremony held by a pond in Fairie Wood in May 2011 was like something out of a fairytale.

“We stood barefoot as a white witch tied our wrists together with a silver sash,” Susanne remembered wistfully. “I wore a garland in my hair and a band played traditional leprechaun music with pipes and drums.”

But since then, Susanne says nothing she does ever pleases her demanding mother-in-law. Mrs. Dubhthach insists her daughter-in-law is making a mountain out of a molehill.

“First of all, I think it shows how little Susanne has bothered to learn about her culture that she would suggest all leprechauns use ‘magic,’” she said. “If you have fair skin, red hair and decide to sunbathe in a skimpy swimsuit on the meadow where all the neighbors can see, of course you’re going to turn red.

“I’ve done everything possible to welcome Susanne into our home, despite her background, and one would think she would appreciate that.”

For his part Gwrtheyrn, 34, only wants peace under his roof.

“I just want Susanne and my mother to get along,” he told the reporter.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical tale by C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his blackly funny thriller The Identity Thief.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

Florida Governor Wards off Climate Change — Using Magic!   Leave a comment

CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater -- unless white magic licks the problem.

CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater — unless white magic licks the problem.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MIAMI, Florida — Governor Rick Scott has banned Florida officials from using the term “climate change” – and the age-old form of magic might actually save the state from global warming!

“This potent type of magic has been used to ward off danger since the dawn of human history,” explains Karyn Fultenbach, high priestess of a prominent Wiccan coven in Miami. “When a tribe encountered a sabretooth in a cave, the shaman would warn the others not to say the word ‘sabretooth.’ They would instead close their eyes and only use the word ‘cat.’ This would keep the early humans safe, and some experts believe this is actually how ordinary house cats evolved.”

The National Climate Assessment recently named Miami one of the U.S. cities most vulnerable to damage from rising sea levels. Experts have warned that the ocean could rise several feet, putting much of the state’s beautiful beachfront property underwater. So, soon after Scott was elected, employees of the Florida Department of Environmental Protection were sternly ordered to refrain from using the terms “climate change,” and “global warming” in official communications.

Fultenbach and her 12 fellow witches have written the governor recommending that the technique also be used to ward off specific natural disasters associated with climate change.

“He should also forbid the uses of the terms ‘flooding,’ ‘tsunami’ and ‘category 5 hurricane,’” she advises.

INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists' heads.

INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists’ heads.

The danger-denying form of white magic was used in ancient times to defeat demons, according to the Wiccan priestess.

“A demon god would often be referred to only as ‘He Whose Name Shall Not be Spoken,’” she reveals. “Forbidding people from mentioning it by name was a way to drive it from existence. This worked, and the concrete evidence is that few of those demon gods exist today.”

In the Middle Ages, practitioners of Wicca used the white magic technique to protect their villages from the Black Plague.

“If a stranger wandered into town covered with oozing sores, white witches would warn the people never to utter the word plague. So no one could catch the disease,” says the 43-year-old Wiccan.

GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.

GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.

Ironically, the lifesaving acts led to the demise of many witches. Fearful and suspicious church officials, who thought only the Devil could have spared the isolated towns, often had the witches burned at the stake.

Not everyone thinks that using white magic to battle climate change makes sense.

“It sounds crazy,” says Gus Quelby of the conservative group Florida Citizens for Common Sense. “So crazy it just might work. But resorting to paganism is dangerous. We’re a Christian state. Even if using magic does prevent global warming from affecting Florida, it goes completely against the teachings of Jesus.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.


"The Blood of Titans" is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

Most Real Zombies Subsist on Berries, Nuts, Study Shows   Leave a comment

Zombie herds typically forage for berries, nuts and low-hanging fruit.

Zombie herds typically forage for berries, nuts and low-hanging fruit.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Surprise! Most real-life zombies subsist on a diet of berries and nuts, researchers now say – a far cry from Hollywood’s depiction of them as fierce cannibals.

“Zombies are what anthropologists call gatherers,” explains Dr. Henry Coblinsaw, chief author of a recently published study. “Their digestive system has atrophied, making it very difficult to digest meat. And because of their familiar shambling gait, chasing game such as deer or stray dogs is not an option, likewise humans, of course.”

Climbing trees is also impossible, so only low-hanging fruit is on the menu. Wild berries and nuts that have fallen to the ground are a zombie’s most commonly consumed food source.

“An Arizona zombie that was dissected in 2012 was found to have six walnuts in its stomach,” the expert reveals.

"No thanks. Have any walnuts?" Real zombies do not eat rats, contrary to this scene in The Walking Dead.

“No thanks. Have any walnuts?” Real zombies do not eat rats, contrary to this scene in The Walking Dead.

In movies like Night of the Living Dead and the hit TV series The Walking Dead, zombies are shown ripping ordinary people apart and feeding on their body parts. But with slowly decaying muscles and low levels of adrenaline, real zombies simply don’t have the strength or energy to do that. According to the researcher, there have been only eight cases of zombies eating human flesh since 1905.

Brain damage due to the loss of oxygen between death and revival is another factor that explains their dietary restrictions.

“Zombies are quite docile, which is what made them such easily controlled fieldworkers in Haiti from the 1700s up until the 1930s,” notes Dr. Coblinsaw. “They rely on the most primitive instincts residing in the surviving areas of the brain. That means eating fruit, nuts and berries like our tree-dwelling ape-like ancestors.”

The only real hazard zombies present to normal people is when a herd ambles through a strawberry patch, field of corn or other crops.

“They are a real pest to farmers,” says the researcher. “They pass through a cornfield, stripping the stalks bare like locusts. The only solution farmers have found is to post ‘scarecrows,’ cardboard cutouts of figures with chainsaws or cricket bats.”

CARDBOARD cutouts like this one in an Iowa cornfield are used to ward off zombies and protect crops.

CARDBOARD cutouts like this one in an Iowa cornfield are used to ward off zombies and protect crops.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

7 Ways to Recognize Your Personal White Savior   Leave a comment

Troubled Michael (Quinton Aaron) finds his life turned around by his white savior played by Sandra Bullock in the hit movie The Blind Side."

Troubled Michael (Quinton Aaron) finds his life turned around by his white savior played by Sandra Bullock in the hit movie The Blind Side.

By C. Michael Forsyth

ATLANTA — Every black person has their own personal white savior, a flesh and blood “guardian angel” whose mission is to watch over them and help them achieve their goals.

That’s the surprising claim of the Reverend Tyrone Hugston, a theologian and author of the upcoming book, Finding your White Savior.

“It’s important to know how to recognize your white savior and accept their guidance,” he says. “This special guardian may take any form – an inner city school teacher, a caring coach, a journalist, a wealthy adoptive parent, even a law officer. Yes, it’s theoretically possible to achieve your dreams without the
help of your white savior, but the path is a whole lot easier if you turn your life over to them.”

The white savior, although a normal human being, is sent by God, according to the minister.

“The Almighty was terribly upset by slavery,” he explains. “When it ended, He decided that to heal those who had suffered so much, to every black child born, a white child would be assigned to look after them.”

White saviors often do not consciously know that they are mystically linked to their wards.

“They simply find themselves inexplicably drawn to the place where their counterpart is – whether it is a ghetto or an isolated rural town,” says Rev. Hugston. “They are driven to aid their often helpless and confused black charge.”

Here, according to the clergyman, are 7 ways you can recognize your white savior.

1. The person doesn’t appear to “fit in.” He or she might be the only white teacher in a school, for example.
2. The person seems to radiate love for black people.
3. The person almost magically sees solutions you’ve never thought of before.
4. You sense a child-parent bond developing with the person
5. The person never gives up on you – even when you give up on yourself.
6. Other black people – to whom the white savior was not sent to guide – express hostility to the person.
7. You feel an instinctive resentment toward the person for “butting in,” a feeling that gradually changes into love and admiration.

“If you have difficulty identifying your personal savior and find yourself asking in frustration, ‘Where is my white savior?’ don’t give up,” Rev. Hugston advises. “If you are truly incapable, your savior will save the day by finding you.”

MANY black people are helpless failures until they're rescued by a white savior like the angelic inner-city teacher played by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

MANY black people are helpless failures until they’re rescued by a white savior like the angelic inner-city teacher played by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this story by the writer, C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his novel The Identity Thief.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS: 1 in 7 Squads Worship the Devil, Researcher Claims   1 comment

Hundreds of cheerleaders nationwide are in league with the Devil, unlike these characters in the hit movie "Bring It On."

Thousands of cheerleaders nationwide are in league with the Devil, unlike these wholesome, all-American characters in the hit movie “Bring It On.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

AMHERST, Mass. — Bubbly college cheerleaders are living symbols of squeaky-clean purity. But shockingly, 1 in 7 of the baton-twirling beauties are willing tools of Satan, according to a leading expert in the occult.

“These young women sell their souls for beauty and popularity,” declares Bob Sertesko, a Massachusetts-based cult-watcher. “The price is that they must use their enthusiastic chants and gymnastic feats to draw crowds over to the dark side.”

Sertesko reached his alarming conclusion after spending 4 ½ years carefully observing cheerleaders at scores of college football and basketball games.

“I recorded their chants and played them backward — and words cropped up that would make your hair stand on end,” he reveals. “There are prayers to Babylonian demons, as well as phrases in English such as ‘Bow down before your lord and master Lucifer,’” the researcher says.

Typically, the perky, pom-pom-shaking pawns of Satan become increasingly brazen over the course of the school year, as they successfully recruit more and more sports fans.

Claims the expert, “At one football game I attended, the cheerleaders openly chanted, ‘Satan, Satan, he’s our man, you can’t stop him, no one can. Give me an S, give me an A, give me a T, give me an A, give me an N … Satan!”

The Hell-bound hotties choreograph their routines to brainwash unsuspecting onlookers.

RAUNCHY routines like these are designed to corrupt the souls of male sports fans, expert reveals

RAUNCHY routines like these are designed to corrupt the souls of male sports fans, according to researcher.

“I have accumulated a vast collection of video footage of cheerleaders flaunting their bodies in a lascivious manner designed to corrupt the male mind,” Sertesko notes. “On rare occasion, they perform tricks only possible with supernatural aid, such as rotating the upper torso 360 degrees at the waist.”

Satan’s cheerleaders commonly use their formations to create sinister symbols such as the pentagram, an ancient symbol of black magic, according to the researcher. Frighteningly, the Evil One has even made inroads into cheerleading squads at the nation’s most prestigious Christian college.

“At one game, 16 cheerleaders faced me forming a cross,” the expert says. “So far, so good, but when I went to the opposite side of the field, I saw that from that angle, their bodies then formed an UPSIDE DOWN cross – an age-old Satanic symbol.”

Young women who accept Satan as their savior reap considerable rewards. A girl who was homely in high school may suddenly experience a drastic improvement in her appearance.

“Acne clears up; tubby girls develop the trim figures of supermodels; mousy brown hair turns radiantly blond,” explains the researcher. “I’ve spent literally hundreds of man hours scrutinizing the video footage. It shows how girls who were previously flat as an ironing board sprout busts that would make Jayne Mansfield green with envy, and high, taut rear ends.”

Cheerleaders who are in league with the Devil are among the most popular on campus – in part due to the fact that they have sex with practically everyone.

“They are like succubae who wantonly seduce male students and professors – and even lure innocent coeds into their sexual snare,” the researcher warns.

Fledgling cheerleaders are initiated into a Satanic coven in a macabre ceremony involving nudity, candles and the sacrifice of live chickens.

“The cheerleaders vow allegiance to Lucifer,” says Sertesko. “It is a choice they will come to regret when they find themselves suffering eternal damnation in the bowels of Hell.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his novel Hour of the Beast.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Posted February 17, 2015 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

Clint Eastwood Vs. The Zombies   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

The Man with No Name rides into a town where a zombie outbreak is in full swing.

The Man with No Name rides into a town where a zombie outbreak is in full swing.

Old West zombies tangle with the wrong dude.

Old West zombies tangle with the wrong dude.

By C. Michael Foryth

When zombies overrun a small town in the Old West, only one man can stop the menace – a Man with No Name!

In Dead West, a graphic novel by Rick Spears and Rob G., the steely eyed anti-hero Clint Eastwood portrayed in westerns such as The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, is injected into a classic zombie-siege scenario.

There have been quite a few comics in which cowboys battle zombies, but this little gem is the first I’ve read that is specifically a spaghetti western. All the conventions of both genres are honored. And the Man with No Name — a tough, lethal gunslinger of few words – is just the kind of guy you want around when the zombie apocalypse breaks out.

"I know what you're thinking ... you want to eat my brain."

“I know what you’re thinking … you want to eat my brain.”

Let me hasten to add that Clint’s name is never mentioned, nor is there any direct reference to the old shoot ‘em ups filmed in Italy in the ’60s. I suspect the creators of the slim, black and white book couldn’t afford the rights to the squinty star’s image. But everything about the hero, from the trademark poncho – tossed back for shootouts on Main Street – and the cigar handing from the lips, to his casual gunfighting stance – tells us this is the iconic figure. To boot, his nemesis is a Mexican who relies on animal cunning to stay alive, just like the one played by Eli Wallach in the famous flicks directed by Sergio Leone.

The Man with No Name rides herd over survivors in a zombie siege scenario.

The Man with No Name rides herd over survivors in a zombie siege scenario.

Back to Boot Hill, pardners. It's the quick versus the undead as gunslinger  inspired by Clint's persona in spaghetti westerns takes on a herd of biters.

Back to Boot Hill, pardners. It’s the quick versus the undead as gunslinger inspired by Clint’s persona in spaghetti westerns takes on a herd of biters.

In the graphic novel, an Indian boy’s village is massacred, and when he grows up, he takes horrible revenge on the white townsfolk who did the deed. He casts a spell that causes all dead folks within a circle surrounding the town to rise from their graves and attack the living. A small group of survivors takes refuge in a boarded up room, but they don’t have a prayer until the fearless and resourceful gunfighter rides into town. As with Clint’s westerns, the Man with No Name is cool and amoral on the surface, but proves himself capable of compassion.

The drawing in Dead West is not especially skillful. But the storytelling is excellent, and the mix of genres succeeds.

This review was written by the author of a new thriller, The Identity Thief. Check out the book trailer HERE

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

Famed Demon Hunter to Exorcise the Panties of Peril   1 comment

DESPITE their ordinary appearance, these panties are possessed by a force "beyond human comprehension," expert says.

DESPITE their ordinary appearance, these panties are possessed by a force “beyond human comprehension,” expert says.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BOSTON — The Panties of Peril, universally ranked the world’s most lethal paranormal object, have claimed the lives of eight women – and one man – who were foolish enough to put them on. All perished in bizarre freak accidents. But the dreaded drawers may have finally met their match. America’s toughest exorcist, the Reverend Jim Bookley, has vowed to rid the evil undies of the demonic entity that has possessed them.

“Either those panties are going down, or I’m going down,” declared the 54-year-old demon hunter.

The history of the Panties of Peril is well documented. But Rev. Bookley has an equally impressive track record. Among the many feathers in his cap, he cast out from a possessed German nun the infamous Legion, the only demon to go toe to toe with Jesus in the Holy Bible and live to tell the tale. After a fierce eight-day battle, he successfully exorcised a donkey that had run amok in Palermo, Italy. In 2011, the clergyman was voted Exorcist of the Year, after driving the demon Asmodeus from the body of 24-year-old Brooklyn meter maid Gina Spimacelli and sending him running off with his barbed tail between his legs.

And Rev. Bookley is coming to this new spiritual showdown loaded for bear. Included in his arsenal, along with usual implements such as holy water, Bibles and crucifixes, are:

• The Holy Collar of Antioch. Once placed on the neck of a possessed person, it renders the demon plaguing them powerless.
• The personal Bible of Pope John Paul II.
• The Chains of St. Augustine. Made of pure silver, they can supposedly bind any demon.
• The boxing gloves of Father McMurphy, once wielded by the famed Irish cleric and demon hunter.

“And it goes without saying I’ll be packing my sawed off shotgun,” he said, patting the trusty firearm.

CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie "The Last Exorcism."

CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie “The Last Exorcism.”

The Panties of Peril are currently in the possession of Boston millionaire Laurence Viskerbloom III, who purchased them last July at auction for a reported $650,000 from an unidentified dealer — although their legal ownership is in dispute. Experts say they were stolen in 2013 from the vault of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, where they were kept under lock and key in a titanium vault.

Authorities believe the culprit was transvestite performer Frank Yinsley, better known as Lady Charlize, who was later found dead in his apartment while wearing the panties. He’d succumbed to the bite of a rabid bat after chasing it with a broom, and breaking a chandelier, investigators determined. The panties vanished from a police evidence room two weeks later.

Viskerbloom purchased the panties for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult who believed they could endow her with rare magical powers. Instead, tragically, she was electrocuted when the candles she’d lit for a special ceremony caught her robes on fire. The panties, eerily, were untouched by the blaze.

“Those panties took my Bethany,” Viskerbloom told reporters. “Whatever it is that’s haunting them has to be destroyed.”

DON'T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.

DON’T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.

Researchers at the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research have tracked the innocuous-looking pink panties to a sweatshop outside Denpaser, Indonesia. They believe they are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a factory worker who was killed along with 90 others when the building collapsed.

“The worker was a practitioner of kulam, a sinister, voodoo-like form of black magic so dangerous it’s been outlawed by the Indonesian government,” revealed the Institute’s director Dr. Dan Greavesby.

His organization is suing for the return of the panties. And he’s appealing to Rev. Bookley to call off the exorcism, scheduled for next month.

“These are incredibly powerful forces at work here, almost beyond human comprehension,” the expert warns. “To take them on before we’ve had a chance to fully study them is foolhardy.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

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