By C. Michael Forsyth
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — It turns out that E.T. and Sir Mix-A-Lot have something in common. They both prefer women with big butts!
Females who sport oversized fannies are twice as likely to be kidnapped by aliens as their flat-bottomed counterparts, an eye-opening six-year study reveals.
“We examined 2,400 women who claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials,” says Dr. Anthony Gamoire, co-author of the report. “We found that 66.7 percent of the subjects had larger than average buttocks, compared to 33.3 percent whose rear ends were medium or small.”
In conducting the study, scientists measured the women from head to toe, everything from the diameter of their eyelashes to the length of their femurs. These dimensions were then compared to national averages.
“One other parameter, the width of the left pinky toe, rose above statistical significance, but the correlation between buttock size and abduction was simply astounding,” explains Dr. Gamoire, based in Cambridge, Mass.
While the study does not address males, a similar research project conducted in 1994 demonstrated a link between the length of a man’s neck and his alien-abduction risk.
Ufologists are thrilled that scientists are finally getting to the bottom of the abduction phenomenon, but some women who participated in the study are miffed at the results.
“Being abducted by aliens three years ago was the most traumatic experience of my life,” says 31-year-old Cathy M., of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Now they’re telling me my butt’s too big?”
Despite the alarming statistics, the expert says that gals with extra junk in their trunks shouldn’t panic.
“Bear in mind, alien abduction is an exceedingly rare phenomenon,” Dr. Gamoire points out. “Even if you have a backside the size of Oprah Winfrey’s, the odds of being taken aboard a flying saucer are an estimated 1 in 4,326,175 — approximately the same as the chance of getting bitten by a rabid chipmunk.
“I would only suggest that well-endowed ladies take common sense precautions, as I’ve advised my own wife to do. If you visit a known UFO hot spot, such as Sedona, Ariz., Bonnybridge, Scotland or Punxsutawney, Pa., avoid wearing clothing that brings undue attention to your ‘assets.’”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth