By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY – Mayor Michael Bloomberg has waged war against soda pop, baby formula and other menaces to society, but now he’s taking a crack at his most formidable foe yet – subway riders who use their butt cheeks to grip the pole!
The crusading mayor plans to slap a hefty $250 fine on any commuter caught holding the metal pole with their buttocks instead of their hands.
“This is a quality of life issue for the citizens of New York and the Mayor takes it very seriously,” said a City Hall source familiar with the plan to be announced next week. “The practice is unsanitary, selfish and uncivil.”
People who lean against poles with their rumps rank high on top ten lists of commuters’ pet peeves.
“These people are essentially placing their anal clefts where I or my child put our hands,” fumed Sandy Glotmeyer, who writes a weekly blog on the New York subway system. “It’s gross. What are these people, especially young women, thinking? You don’t floss your butt crack in public. For God’s sake, at least strippers wipe the poles between their routines.”
The fine, set to go into effect in October, would be doubled for repeat offenders, according to the City Hall source. Many of the culprits are well-endowed females and some don’t see what all the fuss is about.
“Sometimes your hands are occupied and this is the only way to stay upright,” one woman caught in the act by a news crew told a local TV reporter. “I’m sorry, not everyone has perfect balance.”
A photo of Diane Lubetski clenching a pole between her cheeks has made the rounds on the Internet, turning the advertising copy writer into a minor celebrity in the Big Apple. The city dweller dismisses as “haters” those who’ve targeted people who choose this method of standing.
“I’m going to be blunt about it,” said Lubetski, 26. “You can’t stand on the subway this way unless you have something to work with back there. This is all about women with flat butts being jealous.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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