LOS ANGELES — Talk about a close encounter! Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport reportedly recovered a mysterious alien implant – during the routine body-cavity search of a female passenger!
The 2.5 centimeter object is made of an as yet unidentified metal alloy, says a source close to the investigation.
“We haven’t begun to understand what its purpose is,” said the source. “However, we have ascertained that it is emitting leptons, subatomic particles that can be generated by current Earth science only with the aid of a massive particle accelerator. One theory is that the device is designed to send and receive signals outside the boundaries of three-dimensional space.”
The bizarre discovery has been hushed up by officials and the investigation has been turned over to the U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, often referred to as the “real-life Men in Black.” But before the blanket of secrecy was thrown over the case, TSA supervisor Dan Houstlin told reporters he was flabbergasted to learn that the space gizmo had been retrieved from the 31-year-old passenger’s rectum.
“In the past, we’ve found drugs, missing ‘toys’ in gay men, even small exotic animals people tried to smuggle into the country,” he said. “But in my 14 years on the job, not anything remotely like this.”
The passenger Debbie, whose last name is being withheld at the request of authorities, says she was taken aback when TSA workers pulled her aside after she passed through a full-body scanner.
“They told me that something had shown up and I was going to have to be searched,” she told a reporter after the incident.
The Hollywood casting agent, who was returning from a vacation in Caracas, was escorted to a small room where three female guards ordered her to strip everything off, “even your false eyelashes.”
“It was very embarrassing,” Debbie said. “They used flashlights to look in my hair, my mouth, my ears. They made me spread my legs a few feet apart and bend over at the waist. Then I had to clap my hands on my cheeks and pull them apart.
“One TSA woman said she couldn’t see well enough and told me to spread wider. She claimed she still couldn’t see and ordered me to ‘open up’ even wider. I was surprised when I heard her say, ‘What the hell is THAT?’ ”
The TSA agents – often called America’s first line of defense in the war on terror — murmured as they took turns inspecting with their penlights, craning for a better look.
“We could see what looked like a foreign object and called for a nurse to perform the more invasive, manual cavity search,” one of the security officers revealed on the condition of anonymity.
“The procedure took a few minutes because the nurse had to go in very deep. We all stood watching, curious to see what she would find. Eventually she stood up holding this small, strange-looking metallic object.”
The object was whisked away for examination by the secretive U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, which imposed a total press blackout on the case.
Dr. Kevin Hastlekin, a respected UFO investigator and leading authority on alien implants, says the mysterious device was likely put in place by E.T.s as the woman slept, perhaps as long as 10 years ago.
“Every time the government gets its hands on one of these objects, it’s an opportunity to advance science,” he observes. “We may be able to solve questions in the field of quantum mechanics that have baffled physicists for decades.”
The frazzled passenger is now undergoing a battery of physical and psychological tests to determine what if any effects the extraterrestrial gadget might have had on her. Although admitting she found the cavity search grueling, she’s grateful to the airport staff who extracted the implant.
“I’m just glad that weird thing isn’t in me anymore,” she said. “The whole experience has me very creeped out.”
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