By C. Michael Forsyth
MOBILE, Alabama — Attention all nerds! A family values activist is offering a hefty $1 million award to the high school student who invents the best high-tech new spanking machine.
Businessman Carl Bettslinger believes that such a device is needed now more than ever in schools and in homes – and he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is.
“Corporal punishment has been banned in many public schools by misguided liberals, but thank God, we still have it in hundreds of Christian schools around the country,” Bettslinger explains.
“The trouble is it’s hard to deliver consistent blows to make it fair for each student. Some older principals get tired or lose count. And unfortunately many younger principals who’ve been brainwashed by the ‘time out’ crowd are hesitant to paddle. A spanking machine takes out the human element.”
The breakup of families, which Bettslinger describes as a sad byproduct of the feminist movement, has spawned a problem at home as well.
“You have a lot of stepdads who want to perform their duty as head of the household, but feel awkward giving a bare-bottomed spanking to a teenaged step daughter,” says pro-family crusader. “They’d feel more at ease letting a machine carry out the job.”
A variety of spanking machines have been patented as far back as the 19th century and Bettslinger hails as “a remarkable technical achievement” the Robospanker introduced in 2004. But he believes that a far more sophisticated device is feasible with today’s technology.
“With state-of-the-art computer software on board, the machine could have settings for different striking power based on the severity of the infraction,” Bettslinger enthused. “A 15-year-old girl who sasses a teacher or wears a short skirt that violates the dress code might get a 2 or 3. If she smokes in the bathroom, that might rate a 6.”
The gizmo could also store and recall data on each student and automatically ratchet up the setting for repeat offenses. In addition, stroke speed could be adjusted to hurry things along when multiple students have to be paddled in a short period of time.
The invention competition is open to kids 14 to 18. Bettslinger, who has donated upwards of $3.5 million to family values groups in the past, hopes that the lure of a big reward will inspire high school science wizards around the country to put their thinking caps on.
“They should also be thinking about what a great service they’re doing for their peers at school,” he points out.
“That popular cheerleader may not give ‘four eyes’ the time of day when they pass in the hall. But if he can do something to keep her on the right moral path – for example with an effective chastisement for necking behind the gym –- she will owe him an incredible debt of gratitude.”
ALSO FROM THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE…
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