By C. Michael Forsyth
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The Christian right has a potent new superweapon: A 36D-24-36 blonde who can “flip” any gay man in a single encounter!
The mystery woman, identified only as Mary Doe, has converted a whopping 78 homosexuals since January – and she’s just warming up, according to the Moral Family Brigade.
“Gays are running scared. They don’t know where she’s going to strike next, or when,” brags Gavin Laplinksy, the organization’s director. “Even the most hardcore gays – I’m talking about guys who own every Judy Garland movie on DVD – have switched teams after a night with Mary.”
The bodacious bombshell’s face is blurred out in images posted on the outfit’s web site. That’s so when she approaches a gay man at a health club, cooking class or other promising location, he has no way of identifying the threat.
“She’s like a stealth bomber,” Laplinky explains. “They have no idea what hit them until it’s too late.”
Lionel Huslow, 39, claims the curvaceous crusader for heterosexuality ruined his life.
“Clarence and I were set to finally get married in April,” recalls the Memphis schoolteacher. “Then that woman ‘just happened to’ bump into him at the gourmet food store. They struck up a conversation, she invited him out for coffee and one thing led to another. Clarence didn’t come home that night, and the next morning he came through the door looking like something the cat dragged in, and smelling of perfume. He told me the marriage was off.”
Scant details have been released about the anonymous hottie, other than that she is 26 years old, a devout born-again Christian and employed as a church secretary. But in an interview published in the Moral Family Brigade newsletter, she declared that she is on a holy crusade.
“I was saving myself for marriage until I found out the Lord had given me this gift,” Mary said. “Now this is my ministry.”
The organization has spent a small fortune flying the pious pickup artist from city to city, to do God’s work.
“It’s real nice I’ve gotten to travel, to everywhere from San Francisco to Bangor, Maine,” she said.
Skeptical experts say it’s almost unheard of for a gay person to change his or her orientation on a dime, with rare exceptions like Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Anne Heche. Dr. Francine Goertz-Ramirez, a researcher who examined Mary Doe on behalf of the family values group, believes the miracle worker has a unique body chemistry.
“My hypothesis is that she emits a rare type of pheromone that makes her sexually irresistible,” the expert revealed. “It’s not simply that she has a pretty face. To be frank, I’d rate her only about an 8.5.” Even Moral Family Brigade leaders – deeply religious churchgoers – find it difficult to keep their hands off Mary, she continued. “Several admitted to me that they committed adultery in their hearts after meeting her, in some cases multiple times in a day.”
LGBT activists are crying foul.
“Look, it’s one thing to fight marriage equality or keep transgender people out of locker rooms,” fumed a spokesperson for Fair Play for Gays. “This is hitting below the belt – literally.”
But the storm cloud hovering over America’s gay males might have a silver lining.
“I noticed that whenever I was in close proximity to Mary, I found myself becoming aroused,” admitted Dr. Goertz-Ramirez. “There’s a very real danger that for every gay man she turns straight, she inadvertently turns one straight woman gay.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth