Activists Set to Trim L from LGBTQ   Leave a comment


By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — Activists are struggling to whittle down the unwieldy acronym LGBTQ – and surprisingly, the letter L is most likely to get the ax!

“All lesbians are gay, so the L is redundant,” explains linguist Newton Brishol, who is advising activists. “It’s why we don’t need an H for homosexual. G covers both male and female gay people quite neatly.”

The long and cumbersome acronym is a source of confusion for many Americans. Some, for example, believe the Q stands for “queer,” while others insist it stands for “questioning.”

“It’s obvious the acronym needs to be shortened for clarity’s sake, but it’s hard to get a consensus on where to trim,” says one top leader. “We’re bending over backward to please everyone.”

Some gay women are furious that the L in L word could be headed for the chopping block.

“If any letter is going to get the boot, it should be Q,” fumes feminist author and activist Kandella Fornqusit. “People who are just ‘questioning’ don’t deserve their own letter, I’m sorry. You’re basically handing out a letter that says, ‘Might actually be straight.’”

While most leaders agree the acronym needs pruning, others contend it should actually be lengthened to be more inclusive. Possible additions that have been run up the flagpole include:

A = Asexual — Attracted to neither sex
C = Closeted — Refuses to admit being gay
D = Drunken — Has gay sex after multiple beers
E = Experimented — Had brief gay stint at college
F = Faux Lesbian — Makes out with other girls at clubs to attract attention
G = Genderless — Does not identify with either gender
H = Hustler — Will have gay sex, but only for money. (Others say H should be for Hermaphrodite).
I = Intersex — Born with both male and female genitalia
M = Mistaken for gay — Man who is “too good looking,” hates sports, or speaks with an English accent. (Alternatively, M for Ménage – Wife who will go bi for a three-way on husband’s birthday)
N = Narcissist — Only attracted to self
O = One timer — Tried gay sex once and hated it, like Hugh Hefner
P = Prisoner — Resorts to homosexuality while serving time, AKA “gay for the stay”
R = Really thinks being bisexual sounds cool.
S = Star struck — would engage in same-sex relations with just one celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt
U = Ugly — Too unattractive to get the chance to sleep with anyone, male or female.
V = Vulnerable — Gay, but could easily be flipped
W = Would make a great lesbian. Shorthaired, athletic, tomboyish, but straight
X = X-rated — Turned on by gay porn but won’t try it

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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