A Gentleman’s Guide to Locker Room Banter   2 comments

 

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THE LOCKER ROOM is an ideal place to make friends and influence people, as Kevin Bacon demonstrates in the movie Footloose.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can reach the pinnacle of success in the corporate world in no time flat, by mastering the art of locker room banter!

When you play a round of golf with the CEO at his country club or enjoy racquetball with peers at the gym, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose. What’s important is proving how manly you are through raunchy chit-chat, a top management expert reveals.

“Locker room chats are not just for high school jocks or fraternity brothers,” declares Horace Nevelsmith, author of the upcoming book, Effective Locker Room Banter. “Remember, the changing area is a place where your boss and colleagues size you up. This is an opportunity to show them that you’re a team player, a man’s man who can be trusted in a crisis — not some namby pamby, politically correct Boy Scout who will sing like a canary the first time your firm is investigated by the SEC, or recount in court every pinch he’s seen when some secretary decides to sue for sexual harassment.

“Building your skills in locker room banter is vital to success in the business world.”

Here, from the expert, are 10 essential do’s and don’ts:

DO pepper the conversation with rib-tickling slang terms for the male reproductive organ, for example “trouser trout” or “beaver cleaver.” Avoid using the same term twice, and feel free to consult a thesaurus.

DON’T joke about the dimensions of a locker room companion’s “equipment” – no matter how miniscule. Your boss may not be as amused as you imagine by a zinger such as “You could really have used a 9-iron, JB. Too bad you only have a 5-iron.”

DO compliment a manager on the shapeliness of his daughter. Powerful men see it as a confirmation of their virility that they’ve sired a desirable offspring.

DON’T use polite euphemisms for sex. A phrase such as “I certainly would like to sleep with Becky in accounting,” is unlikely to win the admiration of your shower mates. “Bang” would be a better choice.

DO specify the body part that attracts you to a particular female co-worker or client. Instead of a bland statement like, “That redhead in Accounts Receivable has a really nice figure,” deliver a more colorful alternative such as, “That redhead in Accounts Receivable has a rump that begs for dorsal sex.”

DON’T make off-color jokes about a particular ethnicity or handicap before you’re sure of each locker room companion’s background and have met his relatives. Notes Nevelsmith, “Not everyone has a name that ‘sounds Jewish,’ and these days you don’t know who might be married to an Asian or even have a black grandchild.”

DO engage in robust and mildly homoerotic horseplay such as snapping your towel on the nearest butt. It’s a great way to build comradery.

DON’T talk about how much you’d like to play “hide the salami” with the wife of a colleague who’s in the locker room. Feel free, of course, to spell out exactly what you’d like to do with the spouse of someone who’s not present.

DO compliment your employer on his physique — even if his paunch just keep getting bigger every month. “Praise such as ‘Wow, I see you’ve really been working out,’ is an old reliable,” suggests Nevelsmith. “Just make sure the remark doesn’t sound too gay, unless your boss is gay.”

DON’T repeat locker room banter, ever. What’s said in the locker room, stays in the locker room.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If this made you chuckle, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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2 responses to “A Gentleman’s Guide to Locker Room Banter

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  1. Once you trigger the memory of John Laughlin’s incredible ass in the shower scene of Footloose, you can expect to loose the focus of 95% of your female readers. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rent a movie.

  2. There is a difference between locker room banter and bragging about sexually assaulting someone.

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