SPRINGFIELD, Il. — In what officials say is “just a precaution,” National Guard troops have been stationed at the burial sites of dead Republican presidents – in case they claw their way out of their graves!
Eyewitnesses report seeing armed soldiers guarding the tomb of Ulysses S. Grant in New York City’s Riverside Park, Abraham Lincoln’s tomb in Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield, IL., and Teddy Roosevelt’s final resting place in Youngs Memorial Cemetery in Oyster Bay, N.Y. A watchful eye is also being kept on the graves of presidents Eisenhower and Reagan.
While officials won’t publically comment on the reason for the startling move, a Department of Homeland Security insider acknowledged that it was prompted by a “recent event in national politics.”
“Some things could make a former president turn over in his grave,” he said. “But this development might stir up a much stronger reaction.”
Despite the fact that many of the historical figures are beloved, soldiers have received strict orders to shoot to kill if they rise as zombies.
“Honest Abe was my boyhood hero, but if he comes shambling toward me in rotting clothes and a stovepipe hat, I won’t hesitate to take him down with a headshot,” a National Guard officer said.
As extraordinary as it sounds, there is historical precedent for dead commanders in chief rising to walk the earth when they’re upset by political events. Legend has it that Andrew Jackson, a staunch supporter of slavery, rose from the dead when the 13th Amendment outlawing slavery was ratified in 1865.
“It’s said that Jackson roamed the roads outside Nashville, Tenn. for 11 days, sometimes lunging at freed slaves,” revealed presidential historian Lillian Bellwither. “A ritual conducted by a Lutheran minister was used to coax him back to his grave.”
Lincoln’s body has been put under armed guard before, when in 1876, authorities got wind of a gang’s plot to steal the remains and hold them for ransom until the government paid $200,000 in gold.
President Reagan’s remains are sealed in a reinforced underground crypt at his presidential library in Simi Valley, Calif.
“Reagan’s tomb is virtually escape-proof,” said the DHS insider. “There’s no way the Gipper is getting out of there.”
Officials insist there is no reason for the public to panic and that the threat level from the dead GOP presidents is “below yellow.”
“This is just erring on the side of caution,” the DHS insider explained. “We’d rather be safe than sorry. We can’t wait until someone sees Lincoln or Ike biting some lobbyist on the steps of the Capitol. If these presidents were alive, they’d be the first to insist we do everything possible to ensure the safety of U.S. citizens.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth