President Donald Trump has banned refugees from terrorism-plagued Muslim countries from entering the U.S., but many leaders feel that an exception should be made for Christians.
“Most of the women and children fleeing Russian bombs, beheading by ISIS fanatics or being taken as sex slaves are Muslim, but some are actually Christian,” explained a government insider. “We’d like to let the Christians in, as Jesus Himself would want us to do, but the problem is it would be very easy for a Muslim to slip in by claiming to be a follower of Our Lord.”
Some have floated the idea of a test that could weed out fakes from real Christians. Here is one version. Answers and scoring are below. Just for fun, take it and check your score to find out if you could get by government screeners.
1) Name three of Christ’s disciples:
A) Peter, Paul and Mary
B) Adam, Joseph and Hoss
C) Matthew, Mark and John
D) John, Luke and Han
2) When people were building the Tower of Babel, God foiled the project by
A) Blinding them
B) Causing them to speak different languages
C) Removing a critical stone at the bottom
D) Sending a great hailstorm
3) The phrase written over Christ’s head on the cross was_____.
A) Nice Guys Finish Last
B) Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews
C) Jesus Christ Superstar
D) Do Not Mess With the Romans
4) Who ordered the crucifixion of Jesus?
A) Julius Caesar
B) Augustus Caesar
C) Caligula
D) Pontius Pilate
5) The Bible states that Jonah spent three days inside a huge____.
A) Turtle
B) Brothel
C) Whale
D) Fish
6) The final time Judas saw Jesus, he ____.
A) Kissed Him
B) Kneed Him in the groin
C) Knee-capped Him
D) Shook His hand
7) “The Immaculate Conception” refers to the birth of what biblical figure?
A) Moses
B) Jesus
C) St. Mary
D) John the Baptist
8) Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin___________.”
A) Get stoned
B) Become Pope
C) In free to my next revival meeting
D) Cast the first stone
9) Love thy neighbor as ___________.
A) Long as he is also Christian
B) You love yourself
C) Long as he loves you back
D) Long as this does not put you in danger
10) According to the Bible, the human race began when______.
A) God created Adam and Eve
B) God created Adam and Steve
C) Homo Sapiens evolved from a more primitive species
D) Zeus created Adam and Eve
11) In the Book of Genesis, the rainbow appears as a symbol of______.
A) Equal rights for the people of Sodom.
B) The diverse races of mankind
C) God’s pledge never again to destroy humanity by flood
D) Impending doom
12) When Lot’s wife disobeys God and looks back at the destruction of Sodom, God punishes her by transforming her into ________.
A) A pillar of salt
B) A pillar of pepper
C) A pillar of paprika
D) A man
13) Do unto others ________.
A) As they would do unto you, only do it first
B) As you would have others do onto you
C) As you see fit
D) As a Philistine would
14) What did David do to Goliath after slaying him?
A) Stripped off his clothing
B) Castrated him
C) Cut off his head
D) All of the above
15) Jesus performed what amazing miracle on Lazarus?
A) Healed his blindness
B) Brought him back from the dead
C) Healed his paralysis
D) Healed his impotence
16) When you are struck in the face you should ________.
A) Strike the person who hit you in their face
B) Punch the person but not in the face
C) Stab the person
D) Turn the other cheek
17) In the 1961 film King of Kings, Jeffrey Hunter starred as Jesus. What other iconic figure has he played?
A) Tarzan
B) Captain Christopher Pike
C) James Bond
D) Felix Leiter
18) Christ’s disciple Matthew held what job?
A) Blacksmith
B) Tax collector
C) Loan shark
D) Fisherman
19) God appeared before Moses in the form of_______.
A) A genie
B) A burning cart
C) A burning bush
D) A talking donkey
20) He who lives by the sword shall _____
A) Defeat he who lives by the rock
B) Sleep more easily
C) Die by poison
D) Die by the Sword
21) The Good Samaritan kindly helped a beaten stranger he met on the road even though____.
A) He was drunk
B) He was late for a human sacrifice
C) He was not a Hebrew
D) All of the above
22) Moses amazed the court of the pharaoh by transforming his staff into a____.
A) A spear
B) A serpent
C) A monkey
D) Gold
23) The place where some souls must undergo purification before going onto heaven is known as __________.
A) Purgatory
B) Hell
C) Ireland
D) Neverworld
24) When God asked Cain where his brother Abel was, Cain replied_______.
A) “I think he went fishing.”
B) “It wasn’t me.”
C) “Did you look in the storage hut?
D) “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
25) The doctrine that in some circumstances the Pope cannot be wrong is known as_________.
A) The Peter Principle
B) Papal Infallibility
C) The Uncertainty Principle
D) Penal Code
ANSWERS:
1 C
2 B
3 B
4 D
5 D
6 A
7 C
8 D
9 B
10 A
11 C
12 A
13 B
14 C
15 B
16 D
17 B
18 B
19 C
20 D
21 C
22 B
23 A
24 D
25 B
SCORING: For each correct answer, give yourself four points. 100-90: Welcome to America, you’re a bona fide Christian. 80-89: You’ve squeaked by, but brush up on the Bible! 70-79. Sorry, go back where you came from and bone up. Feel free to try again in six months. 60-69. Hit the road, heathen. Hope you have better luck applying to ISIS.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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Horror News 
That is one intense quiz