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How to Tell if You are Being Taken Up in The Rapture or Abducted by a UFO   Leave a comment

 

tHE RAPTURE

ACCORDING to the Bible, in the End Times, a small number of faithful Christians will be beamed up bodily to Heaven.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A tingling sensation runs through your body, a bright beam of light envelops you, and you feel yourself being pulled from the Earth into the sky. You are elated because you’re being taken up in The Rapture … or are you being abducted by a UFO?

It can be maddeningly difficult to distinguish the two experiences — yet it’s critical that you know how, says a top expert.

“You need to know whether to prepare yourself to meet God face to face, or brace yourself for an alien probe,” points out Christian paranormal investigator Herbert W. Leningale.

Here, from the researcher, are eight ways to tell if you’re being beamed up to Heaven or to a flying saucer:

1) MUSIC — Being swept up in the Rapture is likely to be accompanied by angelic music, as the Lord’s heavenly harpists greet the newcomers. In contrast, alien abductees have reported hearing five distinct musical notes, similar to those in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

2) ABILITY TO MOVE – If you feel yourself paralyzed, unable to move however much you struggle, and unable to even scream, chances are you are experiencing an alien abduction. If you are able to happily wave goodbye down to neighbors who’ve been left behind, it’s more likely you are Heaven-bound.

3) COMPLETE NUDITY – Are you in your birthday suit? Experts agree that folks lucky enough to be picked for the Rapture will leave their clothes behind, and will arrive in Heaven naked as the day they were born. Alien abductees remain fully dressed, at least until the E.T.’s commence their scientific exams.

4) NUMBER OF LIGHTS – Squint up into the light you’re traveling toward. Can you make out eight or more separate lights in a circular pattern? Those are probably the landing lights of a flying saucer. Rapture light will be a single, powerful beam.

5) FELLOW TRAVELERS – Glance around to see whether other people are rising in bright beams. It’s expected that 144,000 true believers will be bodily drawn up to Heaven. So unless you live in a town full of sinners and atheists, you’ll have some company on the trip. If you’re flying solo, odds are this is an abduction experience.

6) LOUD NOISES – Listen for the sounds of car crashes in the distance. When the Rapture occurs, the Select will abruptly vanish from their cars, leading to scores of fender benders. During a UFO abduction, you may instead hear military aircraft firing upon the unidentified craft.

7) TEMPERATURE – A pleasurable warmth akin to a hot bath should soothe you on the express route to Heaven. Most alien abductees describe the UFO tractor beam as so chilly they get goosebumps.

8) EMOTIONS – If you’re being taken up in The Rapture, you will be filled with a feeling of ecstasy and well-being. A sense of dread typically accompanies UFO abduction.

aLIEN ABDDUCTION 2

HUNDREDS of people worldwide claim to have been abducted by space aliens.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you may enjoy his critically acclaimed novels such as Hour of the Beast.

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SEXY, TERRIFYING: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth

You may also get a kick out of the author’s uncanny impression of Sean Connery as James Bond. He rented a tux for a formal event recently, and just couldn’t resist.

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The Bigger Your Butt, the More Likely You Are to Be Abducted by Aliens, Study Shows   3 comments

Big Butt Alien

HEIGHTNED RISK: Full-figured females have twice the chance of being abducted by aliens.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — It turns out that E.T. and Sir Mix-A-Lot have something in common. They both prefer women with big butts!

Females who sport oversized fannies are twice as likely to be kidnapped by aliens as their flat-bottomed counterparts, an eye-opening six-year study reveals.

“We examined 2,400 women who claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials,” says Dr. Anthony Gamoire, co-author of the report. “We found that 66.7 percent of the subjects had larger than average buttocks, compared to 33.3 percent whose rear ends were medium or small.”

In conducting the study, scientists measured the women from head to toe, everything from the diameter of their eyelashes to the length of their femurs. These dimensions were then compared to national averages.

“One other parameter, the width of the left pinky toe, rose above statistical significance, but the correlation between buttock size and abduction was simply astounding,” explains Dr. Gamoire, based in Cambridge, Mass.

While the study does not address males, a similar research project conducted in 1994 demonstrated a link between the length of a man’s neck and his alien-abduction risk.

Ufologists are thrilled that scientists are finally getting to the bottom of the abduction phenomenon, but some women who participated in the study are miffed at the results.

“Being abducted by aliens three years ago was the most traumatic experience of my life,” says 31-year-old Cathy M., of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Now they’re telling me my butt’s too big?”

Despite the alarming statistics, the expert says that gals with extra junk in their trunks shouldn’t panic.

“Bear in mind, alien abduction is an exceedingly rare phenomenon,” Dr. Gamoire points out. “Even if you have a backside the size of Oprah Winfrey’s, the odds of being taken aboard a flying saucer are an estimated 1 in 4,326,175 — approximately the same as the chance of getting bitten by a rabid chipmunk.

“I would only suggest that well-endowed ladies take common sense precautions, as I’ve advised my own wife to do. If you visit a known UFO hot spot, such as Sedona, Ariz., Bonnybridge, Scotland or Punxsutawney, Pa., avoid wearing clothing that brings undue attention to your ‘assets.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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