Archive for the ‘Donald Trump’ Category

Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Wall to be Guarded by Night’s Watch, Just like in “Game of Thrones.”   Leave a comment

the_wall

The Wall in Game of Thrones is nearly 700 feet high

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Uncle Donald wants YOU — to join the noble band of brothers who will guard Trump Wall, just like the Night’s Watch in the hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

Thousands of patriotic Americans nationwide have already volunteered to man the $25 billion border wall that’s being built to protect the U.S. from Mexicans.

“Letters are pouring in from around the country from men and women who want to join the elite force,” said a White House source. “The wall will be tall, yes, perhaps as high as 40 feet, huge. But it would be comparatively easy for Mexicans to dig under it. We need real heroes to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

In Game of Thrones, the Night’s Watch is a military order that guards the Wall, an immense ice structure that separates the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms from the lands beyond. The Wall keeps out threats such as white walkers, wildings and giants. The Trump Rangers, as the guardians have tentatively been dubbed, will play a similar role guarding the wall that will stretch along the 1900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

In the popular fantasy series, the Night’s Watch is drawn from the dregs of society, including petty criminals, street urchins, bastards and outcasts. Likewise, a checkered past — including a less-than-unblemished rap sheet — won’t keep you from a spot atop Trump Wall. Almost any American with gumption and an eagerness to serve has what it takes to be a Trump Ranger.

“You don’t need a fancy high school diploma or other special qualifications,” the aide explained. “We’re not looking for people with a background in law enforcement or the military. That would be prohibitively expensive. We’re looking for enthusiasm, patriotism and loyalty to our President. We’ll give you the training you need.”

While the heroes’ job may sound glamorous, conditions at the southern border — blazing hot in the day, freezing at night – will be more uncomfortable than many citizens can bear. So Trump Rangers are likely to include undocumented immigrants.

Said the aide, “These people are willing to do jobs most American’s don’t want.”

jon-snow

Brave and noble Jon Snow leads the ragtag Night’s Watch.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Alternative Facts Just as Real, Quantum Physicists Say   Leave a comment

atom-one

By C. Michael Forsyth

Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.

“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”

As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.

“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.

“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”

schrodingers_cat_edited-1

The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.

“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”

The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.

“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”

 

kellyanne-conway

Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

You Can Land a Job Cheering For Trump   Leave a comment

 

trump-press-conference-3

Cheering enthusiastically for our new president is an easy way to earn cash.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can rake in big bucks without lifting a finger, by landing a gig as a member of the presidential cheerleading squad! Cheering for the incoming president at press conferences – and booing reporters’ questions — not only renders an important service to our nation, it can be a lucrative and satisfying profession.

“Such cheerleading squads have been around as long as organized government,” says political science professor Peter K. Jortison. “For example, when the Roman emperor Nero acted on stage, he hired 5,000 men to applaud. In modern times, strongmen in many Third World countries, from Idi Amin to Manuel Noriega have used the approach.”

A group of people hired to applaud or heckle is known as a claque.

“It’s a French term that originated in the 19th century when professional applauders sat in the audience at Paris theaters and opera houses, paid to clap, laugh or even cry when appropriate,” reveals Jortison. “A member of a claque is called a claquer.”

At his January 11 press conference, President-Elect Donald Trump stocked the room with paid staffers ordered to enhance the session by cheering as he bashed reporters for asking him embarrassing questions. There will be work aplenty for such employees as long as the megabucks politician is in office, White House watchers predict. Although outsiders don’t know exactly how much those staffers earn, experts say that professional claquers typically make between $100 and $200 for a morning’s work – more than some Hollywood extras.

Political claquer was recently ranked one of the top five jobs in America, just behind mattress tester and brothel reviewer. Yet the job isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

“It’s like being a live-audience member at a sitcom who’s supposed to laugh at jokes whether they’re funny or not, but it’s far more demanding,” explains Jortison. “Besides laughing at the leader’s jokes you’ve got to be prepared to boo, blow raspberries, mumble in approval, yawn – whatever the situation demands. Obviously, you have to respond on cue. Cheering 15 seconds late will raise eyebrows and can distract the president.”

Landing a coveted spot on the president’s cheerleading squad isn’t easy. Patriotic Americans are lining up for the opportunity to serve the commander in chief when he takes office January 20.

“When you go to your audition, arrive early and be prepared,” advises a professional claquer. “Don’t have just one boo, have a variety to showcase your versatility. Show that you can understand hand signals and take direction. If a presidential advisor tells you to ‘snicker,’ don’t giggle.”

 

claquers

Professional applauders, known as claquers, have been around for centures.

 If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Contest: Design Trumpcare Logo and win $$.   Leave a comment

ILLUMINATI PLANNING NEW REIGN OF TERROR, Expert Warns!   Leave a comment

HEADS UP: The guillotine remains a symbol of terror.

HEADS UP: The guillotine remains a symbol of terror.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — The illuminati, that shadowy cabal of conspirators who secretly manipulate the fate of the world, have reportedly hatched their most diabolical plot yet. They plan to spark a second Reign of Terror right here in America!

If the sinister scheme succeeds, up to 1,300 rich folks – many of the wealthiest 1 % of Americans – will be rounded up and beheaded, just like in 18th century France.

That is the bone-chilling claim of researcher H. B. Juldenback, one of the nation’s leading experts on the mysterious organization.

“The Illuminati believe that the redistribution of wealth in our economy that has occurred over the past 30 years, with more and more money concentrated in the hands of very few, is unsustainable and if unchecked will lead inevitably to a worldwide economic collapse,” the researcher explains. “To them, the solution is obvious: engineer a ‘popular uprising’ in which the ultra-wealthy are literally dragged from their mansions, off their polo ponies, tried and publicly executed.”

Juldenback has penned more than a dozen books and pamphlets on the Illuminati since 1987, every single one of which he says has been suppressed “by their puppets in government” and are now available only through the black market. He claims he learned of the chilling plot via a turncoat Illuminati member. The unnamed source is afraid that the plan might “get out of hand,” much like the last go-around, according to the expert.

While few Illuminati researchers agree on how many members the group has or who they are, all concur that it was behind the French Revolution that erupted in 1789. The revolt culminated in the Reign of Terror in which more than 16,500 people, most of them hated aristocrats, were executed by guillotine between 1793 and 1794.

“Most historians look back on that era with horror,” Juldenback explains. “Even the Illuminati admit that the bloodletting extended a bit farther than they originally intended. But on balance, they regard it as one of their greatest triumphs. They point out that unlike England, France never again had to worry about a parasitic class of bluebloods – the aristocrats were simply gone. The bloodshed was unfortunate, but in the minds of the Illuminati, that was a price that had to be paid.”

COULD IT HAPPEN HERE? The Reign of Terror was the bloodiest episode in French history.

The groundwork for the uprising has been laid with a skillful manipulation of public opinion, orchestrated by key illuminati figures.

“A certain Illuminati member has spent the last year traveling the country drumming up hatred for the rich – suggesting that the poorer half of Americans are lazy, hopeless good-for-nothings,” the researcher maintains. “He’s bragged about his fancy cars and mansions; his wife has flaunted her prize horses; he’s challenged rivals to huge bets as if money meant nothing to him. In short, done everything possible to spark a class war.

“It’s always been hard to get Americans to hate the rich – because the vast majority actually think they could be rich someday themselves. Illuminati member 72 has finally convinced people that the rich and poor are enemies.”

The Illuminati’s ulimate goal is to usher in a New World Order.

Juldenback admits he doesn’t know exactly when or in what city the rebellion will begin, but says the onslaught will flare up so abruptly, government officials will be unable to stop it.

“Details of the plan are known only to the very highest illuminati leaders – called The Exalted – but my source tells me that social media will play a role in getting the word of the uprising out quickly. It will be like a flash mob, but far, far more massive and deadly.”

He believes the second Reign of Terror is scheduled to burn itself out within six weeks.

“The first Reign of Terror had a built-in ‘self destruct’ mechanism,” he points out. “Those who oversaw the trials and executions of the aristocrats were themselves eventually accused of treason and sent to the guillotine.”

The Illuminati have been cooking up conspiracies since the 1700s and perhaps as far back as the Renaissance, some expert say.

While guns are normally the weapon of choice for Americans, the guillotine will be dusted off and used again, as a powerful symbol of mob justice.

“It is an instrument of death that strikes fear into the hearts of most wealthy Americans,” says Juldenback. “They despise anything French except when vacationing there or hiding out there during dangerous times.”

As in the original Reign of Terror, trials will be held in which the super-rich are judged on their treatment of the less fortunate, according to the source. A beloved Hollywood actor like Tom Hanks would likely be spared, while a pampered and frivolous figure like Paris Hilton would most likely be beheaded.

GREEDY, arrogant loudmouth Donald Trump could face the guillotine.

“A man like Donald Trump who’s become a living symbol of greed would almost certainly be condemned by the mob,” the researcher suggests.

PAMPERED Paris Hilton might be among the first victims of mob justice.

Many members of the illuminati are people of extreme wealth, but they’ve cleverly insulated themselves from the rebellion in a variety of ways. One computer software mogul has donated so many billions to charity he has become a nationally revered figure. Another giant in the high-tech industry faked his own death a year ago, Juldenback claims.

Says the expert, “It’s the same trick that Marie Antoinette, now known to be an Illuminati member, used after fanning the flames of rebellion with comments like ‘Let them eat cake.’ ”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article also wrote the terrifying horror novel Hour of the Beast.

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