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TSA OFFICIALS FIND ALIEN IMPLANT DURING BODY CAVITY SEARCH!   2 comments

MYSTERIOUS gizmo is not of this Earth, Air Force investigator claims.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — Talk about a close encounter! Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport reportedly recovered a mysterious alien implant – during the routine body-cavity search of a female passenger!

The 2.5 centimeter object is made of an as yet unidentified metal alloy, says a source close to the investigation.

“We haven’t begun to understand what its purpose is,” said the source. “However, we have ascertained that it is emitting leptons, subatomic particles that can be generated by current Earth science only with the aid of a massive particle accelerator. One theory is that the device is designed to send and receive signals outside the boundaries of three-dimensional space.”

The bizarre discovery has been hushed up by officials and the investigation has been turned over to the U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, often referred to as the “real-life Men in Black.” But before the blanket of secrecy was thrown over the case, TSA supervisor Dan Houstlin told reporters he was flabbergasted to learn that the space gizmo had been retrieved from the 31-year-old passenger’s rectum.

“In the past, we’ve found drugs, missing ‘toys’ in gay men, even small exotic animals people tried to smuggle into the country,” he said. “But in my 14 years on the job, not anything remotely like this.”

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL: A body-cavity search can be quite invasive, as demonstrated by these actors on the cagedtushy.com website.

The passenger Debbie, whose last name is being withheld at the request of authorities, says she was taken aback when TSA workers pulled her aside after she passed through a full-body scanner.

“They told me that something had shown up and I was going to have to be searched,” she told a reporter after the incident.

The Hollywood casting agent, who was returning from a vacation in Caracas, was escorted to a small room where three female guards ordered her to strip everything off, “even your false eyelashes.”

“It was very embarrassing,” Debbie said. “They used flashlights to look in my hair, my mouth, my ears. They made me spread my legs a few feet apart and bend over at the waist. Then I had to clap my hands on my cheeks and pull them apart.

“One TSA woman said she couldn’t see well enough and told me to spread wider. She claimed she still couldn’t see and ordered me to ‘open up’ even wider. I was surprised when I heard her say, ‘What the hell is THAT?’ ”

The TSA agents – often called America’s first line of defense in the war on terror — murmured as they took turns inspecting with their penlights, craning for a better look.

“We could see what looked like a foreign object and called for a nurse to perform the more invasive, manual cavity search,” one of the security officers revealed on the condition of anonymity.

“The procedure took a few minutes because the nurse had to go in very deep. We all stood watching, curious to see what she would find. Eventually she stood up holding this small, strange-looking metallic object.”

The object was whisked away for examination by the secretive U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, which imposed a total press blackout on the case.

FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE: Making sure passengers are properly searched is a TSA agent’s most solemn duty.

Dr. Kevin Hastlekin, a respected UFO investigator and leading authority on alien implants, says the mysterious device was likely put in place by E.T.s as the woman slept, perhaps as long as 10 years ago.

“Every time the government gets its hands on one of these objects, it’s an opportunity to advance science,” he observes. “We may be able to solve questions in the field of quantum mechanics that have baffled physicists for decades.”

The frazzled passenger is now undergoing a battery of physical and psychological tests to determine what if any effects the extraterrestrial gadget might have had on her. Although admitting she found the cavity search grueling, she’s grateful to the airport staff who extracted the implant.

“I’m just glad that weird thing isn’t in me anymore,” she said. “The whole experience has me very creeped out.”

A GIANT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR the size of a warehouse is usually needed to produce the amount of leptons emitted by the tiny alien device.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

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The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Read Hour of the Beast.

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The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

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The Bigger Your Butt, the More Likely You Are to Be Abducted by Aliens, Study Shows   3 comments

Big Butt Alien

HEIGHTNED RISK: Full-figured females have twice the chance of being abducted by aliens.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — It turns out that E.T. and Sir Mix-A-Lot have something in common. They both prefer women with big butts!

Females who sport oversized fannies are twice as likely to be kidnapped by aliens as their flat-bottomed counterparts, an eye-opening six-year study reveals.

“We examined 2,400 women who claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials,” says Dr. Anthony Gamoire, co-author of the report. “We found that 66.7 percent of the subjects had larger than average buttocks, compared to 33.3 percent whose rear ends were medium or small.”

In conducting the study, scientists measured the women from head to toe, everything from the diameter of their eyelashes to the length of their femurs. These dimensions were then compared to national averages.

“One other parameter, the width of the left pinky toe, rose above statistical significance, but the correlation between buttock size and abduction was simply astounding,” explains Dr. Gamoire, based in Cambridge, Mass.

While the study does not address males, a similar research project conducted in 1994 demonstrated a link between the length of a man’s neck and his alien-abduction risk.

Ufologists are thrilled that scientists are finally getting to the bottom of the abduction phenomenon, but some women who participated in the study are miffed at the results.

“Being abducted by aliens three years ago was the most traumatic experience of my life,” says 31-year-old Cathy M., of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Now they’re telling me my butt’s too big?”

Despite the alarming statistics, the expert says that gals with extra junk in their trunks shouldn’t panic.

“Bear in mind, alien abduction is an exceedingly rare phenomenon,” Dr. Gamoire points out. “Even if you have a backside the size of Oprah Winfrey’s, the odds of being taken aboard a flying saucer are an estimated 1 in 4,326,175 — approximately the same as the chance of getting bitten by a rabid chipmunk.

“I would only suggest that well-endowed ladies take common sense precautions, as I’ve advised my own wife to do. If you visit a known UFO hot spot, such as Sedona, Ariz., Bonnybridge, Scotland or Punxsutawney, Pa., avoid wearing clothing that brings undue attention to your ‘assets.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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