By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Undersized hands aren’t the only way Donald Trump has come up short. It turns out his border wall may be a measly six feet tall!
The President’s plans for a towering and majestic barrier between the U.S. and Mexico were scaled back after Congress balked at the estimated $38 billion price tag.
“This compromise is a win for both Trump and Republicans in Congress,” explained a Capitol Hill insider. “It allows the President to show supporters that he honored his promise to build a wall, while satisfying deficit hawks that money won’t be wasted. The savings can be used for something more useful, such as tax cuts for large corporations.
“Even though it will be smaller than originally envisioned, Trump Wall will remain a powerful symbol to would-be illegal aliens that they aren’t wanted here.”
As a candidate, the flamboyant real-estate tycoon vowed to build a “great, beautiful wall” as high as 40 feet tall, a magnificent structure that could be seen from space just like the Great Wall of China. But at just 72 inches, the cut-down-to-size Trump Wall will be so teensy, most fit adults would be able to scale it; some high-school track stars could leap right over it — and even miniscule Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales could scurry up and over in seconds.
Yet supporters of the pared down project aren’t concerned.
“This is truly a case where size doesn’t matter,” the source insisted. “The main concern with the original plan was that the Mexicans might dig tunnels. Well, it’s as hard to tunnel under a 6-foot wall as it is to tunnel under a 40-foot wall.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the eight wonders of the modern world.
During the campaign, Trump claimed that cost wasn’t an issue because Mexico would pay for the wall – and he stuck to his guns even after Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vehemently declared that his nation wouldn’t fork over a single pesos for the “insulting” eyesore. After the election, the billionaire prez acknowledged that U.S. taxpayers would foot the full bill for his dream project and demanded funding from Congress — saying money could be taken from less important areas such as the Coast Guard and food for the elderly. But lawmakers refused to include funding in this year’s budget, and furious Trump warned of a government shutdown unless they knuckled under. When they didn’t, the President reluctantly backed down, promising supporters the wall-funding issue would be reconsidered this fall when negotiations for the following year’s budget begin.
“Since then, various more-modest proposals for the wall have been run up the flagpole, including the idea that it would extend only half the length of the border,” the insider revealed. “But when the suggestion of simply building a shorter wall was offered for consideration, it instantly received widespread support.”
FLEET-FOOTED cartoon rodent Speedy Gonzales would be able to get over the smaller, cheaper Trump Wall in no time flat.
To trim costs even further, undocumented aliens will work on the wall – but only on the southern side.
“When the wall is complete and they find themselves stuck on the Mexican side, they’ll get the message: ‘Your services are no longer required – stay out!’ ” said the insider.
As another savings measure, the U.S. government won’t cut checks for those workers when the job is done.
“Even more than the art of the deal, as a real-estate mogul, Mr. Trump mastered the art of stiffing contractors,” the insider noted. “If these Mexican citizens are never paid for their labor, he would have shown he is a man of his word: Mexico in effect did pay for the wall.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.
By C. Michael Forsyth
EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!
“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”
The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.
“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”
In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.
“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”
HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.
Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.
“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”
But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.
“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.
The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.
But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.
“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”
Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.
“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”
The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.
“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.
In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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