Archive for the ‘Donald Trump’ Tag

Hired Clappers Can Help You Succeed at Job and Home!   1 comment

 

 

audience-clapping

Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!

“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.

“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”

Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.

“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”

A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.

“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”

When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.

“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”

 

trump-press-conference-3

Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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You Can Land a Job Cheering For Trump   Leave a comment

 

trump-press-conference-3

Cheering enthusiastically for our new president is an easy way to earn cash.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can rake in big bucks without lifting a finger, by landing a gig as a member of the presidential cheerleading squad! Cheering for the incoming president at press conferences – and booing reporters’ questions — not only renders an important service to our nation, it can be a lucrative and satisfying profession.

“Such cheerleading squads have been around as long as organized government,” says political science professor Peter K. Jortison. “For example, when the Roman emperor Nero acted on stage, he hired 5,000 men to applaud. In modern times, strongmen in many Third World countries, from Idi Amin to Manuel Noriega have used the approach.”

A group of people hired to applaud or heckle is known as a claque.

“It’s a French term that originated in the 19th century when professional applauders sat in the audience at Paris theaters and opera houses, paid to clap, laugh or even cry when appropriate,” reveals Jortison. “A member of a claque is called a claquer.”

At his January 11 press conference, President-Elect Donald Trump stocked the room with paid staffers ordered to enhance the session by cheering as he bashed reporters for asking him embarrassing questions. There will be work aplenty for such employees as long as the megabucks politician is in office, White House watchers predict. Although outsiders don’t know exactly how much those staffers earn, experts say that professional claquers typically make between $100 and $200 for a morning’s work – more than some Hollywood extras.

Political claquer was recently ranked one of the top five jobs in America, just behind mattress tester and brothel reviewer. Yet the job isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

“It’s like being a live-audience member at a sitcom who’s supposed to laugh at jokes whether they’re funny or not, but it’s far more demanding,” explains Jortison. “Besides laughing at the leader’s jokes you’ve got to be prepared to boo, blow raspberries, mumble in approval, yawn – whatever the situation demands. Obviously, you have to respond on cue. Cheering 15 seconds late will raise eyebrows and can distract the president.”

Landing a coveted spot on the president’s cheerleading squad isn’t easy. Patriotic Americans are lining up for the opportunity to serve the commander in chief when he takes office January 20.

“When you go to your audition, arrive early and be prepared,” advises a professional claquer. “Don’t have just one boo, have a variety to showcase your versatility. Show that you can understand hand signals and take direction. If a presidential advisor tells you to ‘snicker,’ don’t giggle.”

 

claquers

Professional applauders, known as claquers, have been around for centures.

 If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

While U.S. is Now a Cartoon, Laws of Physics Still Apply, Scientists Say.   Leave a comment

trump-simpsons

DOH!  America is now one long Simpsons episode, experts agree.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.

“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.

“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”

wiley-coyote-gravity-lessons

In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.

Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.

Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:

duck-plane

If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.

 

 

wile-e-coyote-painted-tunnel

If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.

 

bugs-bunny-explosion

If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.

 

 

wolf

No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.

 

 

yosemite-sam

If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.

 

 

peter-pan-shadow

A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.

 

woody-woodpecker-heart

Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.

 

 

wile-e-anvil

If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.

 

 

 

 

yosemite-saws

If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.

 

 

sharp-tack

No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.

 

 

The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.

“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

ILLUMINATI PLANNING NEW REIGN OF TERROR, Expert Warns!   Leave a comment

HEADS UP: The guillotine remains a symbol of terror.

HEADS UP: The guillotine remains a symbol of terror.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — The illuminati, that shadowy cabal of conspirators who secretly manipulate the fate of the world, have reportedly hatched their most diabolical plot yet. They plan to spark a second Reign of Terror right here in America!

If the sinister scheme succeeds, up to 1,300 rich folks – many of the wealthiest 1 % of Americans – will be rounded up and beheaded, just like in 18th century France.

That is the bone-chilling claim of researcher H. B. Juldenback, one of the nation’s leading experts on the mysterious organization.

“The Illuminati believe that the redistribution of wealth in our economy that has occurred over the past 30 years, with more and more money concentrated in the hands of very few, is unsustainable and if unchecked will lead inevitably to a worldwide economic collapse,” the researcher explains. “To them, the solution is obvious: engineer a ‘popular uprising’ in which the ultra-wealthy are literally dragged from their mansions, off their polo ponies, tried and publicly executed.”

Juldenback has penned more than a dozen books and pamphlets on the Illuminati since 1987, every single one of which he says has been suppressed “by their puppets in government” and are now available only through the black market. He claims he learned of the chilling plot via a turncoat Illuminati member. The unnamed source is afraid that the plan might “get out of hand,” much like the last go-around, according to the expert.

While few Illuminati researchers agree on how many members the group has or who they are, all concur that it was behind the French Revolution that erupted in 1789. The revolt culminated in the Reign of Terror in which more than 16,500 people, most of them hated aristocrats, were executed by guillotine between 1793 and 1794.

“Most historians look back on that era with horror,” Juldenback explains. “Even the Illuminati admit that the bloodletting extended a bit farther than they originally intended. But on balance, they regard it as one of their greatest triumphs. They point out that unlike England, France never again had to worry about a parasitic class of bluebloods – the aristocrats were simply gone. The bloodshed was unfortunate, but in the minds of the Illuminati, that was a price that had to be paid.”

COULD IT HAPPEN HERE? The Reign of Terror was the bloodiest episode in French history.

The groundwork for the uprising has been laid with a skillful manipulation of public opinion, orchestrated by key illuminati figures.

“A certain Illuminati member has spent the last year traveling the country drumming up hatred for the rich – suggesting that the poorer half of Americans are lazy, hopeless good-for-nothings,” the researcher maintains. “He’s bragged about his fancy cars and mansions; his wife has flaunted her prize horses; he’s challenged rivals to huge bets as if money meant nothing to him. In short, done everything possible to spark a class war.

“It’s always been hard to get Americans to hate the rich – because the vast majority actually think they could be rich someday themselves. Illuminati member 72 has finally convinced people that the rich and poor are enemies.”

The Illuminati’s ulimate goal is to usher in a New World Order.

Juldenback admits he doesn’t know exactly when or in what city the rebellion will begin, but says the onslaught will flare up so abruptly, government officials will be unable to stop it.

“Details of the plan are known only to the very highest illuminati leaders – called The Exalted – but my source tells me that social media will play a role in getting the word of the uprising out quickly. It will be like a flash mob, but far, far more massive and deadly.”

He believes the second Reign of Terror is scheduled to burn itself out within six weeks.

“The first Reign of Terror had a built-in ‘self destruct’ mechanism,” he points out. “Those who oversaw the trials and executions of the aristocrats were themselves eventually accused of treason and sent to the guillotine.”

The Illuminati have been cooking up conspiracies since the 1700s and perhaps as far back as the Renaissance, some expert say.

While guns are normally the weapon of choice for Americans, the guillotine will be dusted off and used again, as a powerful symbol of mob justice.

“It is an instrument of death that strikes fear into the hearts of most wealthy Americans,” says Juldenback. “They despise anything French except when vacationing there or hiding out there during dangerous times.”

As in the original Reign of Terror, trials will be held in which the super-rich are judged on their treatment of the less fortunate, according to the source. A beloved Hollywood actor like Tom Hanks would likely be spared, while a pampered and frivolous figure like Paris Hilton would most likely be beheaded.

GREEDY, arrogant loudmouth Donald Trump could face the guillotine.

“A man like Donald Trump who’s become a living symbol of greed would almost certainly be condemned by the mob,” the researcher suggests.

PAMPERED Paris Hilton might be among the first victims of mob justice.

Many members of the illuminati are people of extreme wealth, but they’ve cleverly insulated themselves from the rebellion in a variety of ways. One computer software mogul has donated so many billions to charity he has become a nationally revered figure. Another giant in the high-tech industry faked his own death a year ago, Juldenback claims.

Says the expert, “It’s the same trick that Marie Antoinette, now known to be an Illuminati member, used after fanning the flames of rebellion with comments like ‘Let them eat cake.’ ”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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United States Poised to Adopt an Aristocracy   Leave a comment

LORD Donald Trump will be legally entitled to attend White House affairs.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Move over, Prince Charles. America will soon have an aristocracy of its very own!

Congress is poised to pass the American Achievement Recognition Act, which will allow successful U.S. citizens to purchase ranks such as lord, lady, duke and earl!

“If the bill passes, a wealthy citizen like Bill Gates or Donald Trump could pay $1 billion to become a lord,” explained a Capitol Hill source familiar with the pending legislation.

“Entertainers who truly wish to be known as ‘Hollywood royalty’ now can. Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian would have the opportunity to shell out $100 million for the privilege of being called duchess.”

The act could raise an estimated $500 billion a year, according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office and would help to swiftly erase the national debt. The bill, now making its way through committee, enjoys support from both sides of the aisle.

“The Dems like it because it raises revenue primarily from the richest 1 percent,” revealed the Washington insider. “We conservatives like it because it’s an alternative to new taxes and it rewards achievement, allowing successful Americans to distinguish themselves from the crowd.”

DUCHESS Kim Kardashian will be even more glamorous with an aristocratic title.

Although details of the legislation are still being hammered out, an early draft suggested the following price guide:

Lord = $ 1 billion
Duke = $ 100 million
Marquess = $10 million
Earl = $5 million
Viscount = $1million
Baron = $500,000
Knight =$100,000

BARONESS Paris Hilton, seen here in one of her mug shots, would face a jury of her noble peers next time she's in trouble.

The new law, if carefully worded, can avoid any violation of Article 1, Section 9, of the Constitution, according to legal scholars.

Though the titles are largely honorific, certain perks will come along with each rank. Lords will automatically be granted invitations to important White House ceremonies and parties for foreign dignitaries. Since the U.S. Constitution already mandates that a person can only be judged by a jury of his peers, a noble will have the right to a jury made up of people of equal rank.

“This will be helpful to folks like Paris Hilton, who tend to find themselves in legal hot water from time to time,” the source explains. “Other successful individuals are likely to be more sympathetic.”

Newspapers and other media will be legally required to refer to aristocrats by their titles. Failure to abide by the law will be punished by a stiff fine.

“If a news station errs, it could be penalized by as much as $100,000 by the FCC,” said a high-ranking congressional aide who helped draft the legislation.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED: Prince Charles and other British royals will not be happy to hear that America has its own aristocracy.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The author of this article has written a spine-tingling new book. C. Michael Forsyth's new horror novel Hour of the Beast is "very diificult to put down," a Reader Favorites reviewer declares.

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