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Activists Set to Trim L from LGBTQ   Leave a comment

LG

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — Activists are struggling to whittle down the unwieldy acronym LGBTQ – and surprisingly, the letter L is most likely to get the ax!

“All lesbians are gay, so the L is redundant,” explains linguist Newton Brishol, who is advising activists. “It’s why we don’t need an H for homosexual. G covers both male and female gay people quite neatly.”

The long and cumbersome acronym is a source of confusion for many Americans. Some, for example, believe the Q stands for “queer,” while others insist it stands for “questioning.”

“It’s obvious the acronym needs to be shortened for clarity’s sake, but it’s hard to get a consensus on where to trim,” says one top leader. “We’re bending over backward to please everyone.”

Some gay women are furious that the L in L word could be headed for the chopping block.

“If any letter is going to get the boot, it should be Q,” fumes feminist author and activist Kandella Fornqusit. “People who are just ‘questioning’ don’t deserve their own letter, I’m sorry. You’re basically handing out a letter that says, ‘Might actually be straight.’”

While most leaders agree the acronym needs pruning, others contend it should actually be lengthened to be more inclusive. Possible additions that have been run up the flagpole include:

A = Asexual — Attracted to neither sex
C = Closeted — Refuses to admit being gay
D = Drunken — Has gay sex after multiple beers
E = Experimented — Had brief gay stint at college
F = Faux Lesbian — Makes out with other girls at clubs to attract attention
G = Genderless — Does not identify with either gender
H = Hustler — Will have gay sex, but only for money. (Others say H should be for Hermaphrodite).
I = Intersex — Born with both male and female genitalia
M = Mistaken for gay — Man who is “too good looking,” hates sports, or speaks with an English accent. (Alternatively, M for Ménage – Wife who will go bi for a three-way on husband’s birthday)
N = Narcissist — Only attracted to self
O = One timer — Tried gay sex once and hated it, like Hugh Hefner
P = Prisoner — Resorts to homosexuality while serving time, AKA “gay for the stay”
R = Really thinks being bisexual sounds cool.
S = Star struck — would engage in same-sex relations with just one celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt
U = Ugly — Too unattractive to get the chance to sleep with anyone, male or female.
V = Vulnerable — Gay, but could easily be flipped
W = Would make a great lesbian. Shorthaired, athletic, tomboyish, but straight
X = X-rated — Turned on by gay porn but won’t try it

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Christian Right’s New Weapon: Blonde Who ‘Flips’ Gay Men.   1 comment

Busty Blonde 2

MYSTERY WOMAN is devout born again Christian.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The Christian right has a potent new superweapon: A 36D-24-36 blonde who can “flip” any gay man in a single encounter!

The mystery woman, identified only as Mary Doe, has converted a whopping 78 homosexuals since January – and she’s just warming up, according to the Moral Family Brigade.

“Gays are running scared. They don’t know where she’s going to strike next, or when,” brags Gavin Laplinksy, the organization’s director. “Even the most hardcore gays – I’m talking about guys who own every Judy Garland movie on DVD – have switched teams after a night with Mary.”

The bodacious bombshell’s face is blurred out in images posted on the outfit’s web site. That’s so when she approaches a gay man at a health club, cooking class or other promising location, he has no way of identifying the threat.

“She’s like a stealth bomber,” Laplinky explains. “They have no idea what hit them until it’s too late.”

Liberace

EVEN a gay man as flamboyant as Liberace isn’t safe.

 

Lionel Huslow, 39, claims the curvaceous crusader for heterosexuality ruined his life.

“Clarence and I were set to finally get married in April,” recalls the Memphis schoolteacher. “Then that woman ‘just happened to’ bump into him at the gourmet food store. They struck up a conversation, she invited him out for coffee and one thing led to another. Clarence didn’t come home that night, and the next morning he came through the door looking like something the cat dragged in, and smelling of perfume. He told me the marriage was off.”

Scant details have been released about the anonymous hottie, other than that she is 26 years old, a devout born-again Christian and employed as a church secretary. But in an interview published in the Moral Family Brigade newsletter, she declared that she is on a holy crusade.

“I was saving myself for marriage until I found out the Lord had given me this gift,” Mary said. “Now this is my ministry.”

The organization has spent a small fortune flying the pious pickup artist from city to city, to do God’s work.

“It’s real nice I’ve gotten to travel, to everywhere from San Francisco to Bangor, Maine,” she said.

Anne Heche 2

JUMPED SHIP: Actress Anne Heche dumped comedienne Ellen and switched to men.

Skeptical experts say it’s almost unheard of for a gay person to change his or her orientation on a dime, with rare exceptions like Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Anne Heche. Dr. Francine Goertz-Ramirez, a researcher who examined Mary Doe on behalf of the family values group, believes the miracle worker has a unique body chemistry.

“My hypothesis is that she emits a rare type of pheromone that makes her sexually irresistible,” the expert revealed. “It’s not simply that she has a pretty face. To be frank, I’d rate her only about an 8.5.” Even Moral Family Brigade leaders – deeply religious churchgoers – find it difficult to keep their hands off Mary, she continued. “Several admitted to me that they committed adultery in their hearts after meeting her, in some cases multiple times in a day.”

LGBT activists are crying foul.

“Look, it’s one thing to fight marriage equality or keep transgender people out of locker rooms,” fumed a spokesperson for Fair Play for Gays. “This is hitting below the belt – literally.”

But the storm cloud hovering over America’s gay males might have a silver lining.

“I noticed that whenever I was in close proximity to Mary, I found myself becoming aroused,” admitted Dr. Goertz-Ramirez. “There’s a very real danger that for every gay man she turns straight, she inadvertently turns one straight woman gay.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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FEW FAIRIES GAY, FOLKLORISTS NOW SAY   2 comments

By C. Michael Forsyth

LONDON — Contrary to popular belief, the vast majority of fairies are heterosexual, researchers now say.

“Homosexuality is almost unheard of among fairies,” reveals Neville Ardwicke, a leading folklorist in London and author of Unusual Inhabitants of the British Isles. “It’s estimated that fewer than 1 in 5,000 fairies have been involved in same-sex relationships. That’s a much, much smaller incidence than in the general human population.”

Due to their androgynous appearance, delicate bone structure, knack for arts and crafts and fondness for dancing about in the woods, it’s not surprising that fairies are widely presumed to be gay. But nothing could be further from the truth, according to the expert.

“They are robustly heterosexual,” says Ardwicke. “And when provoked, they can be formidable in combat, as anyone who’s been in a knife fight with one will readily attest.

“According to Arthurian lore, Sir Gawain waged a battle against the fairy knight Elwich that raged on for four days before ending in a stalemate. It’s noteworthy that the duel was over a woman, the fair Lady Rowena.”

Fairy smallest

ALL MAN: Real male fairies kick butt, as this drawing clearly illustrates.

From ancient times, when the earliest mention of fairies can be found in Mesopotamian folktales, through the Elizabethan era, the fact that the diminutive creatures are straight was generally understood.

“In Shakespeare’s play A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the fairy king Oberon is depicted as heterosexual — a very virile and even overbearing he-man in a passionate relationship with his wife Titania,” the expert points out.

The misconception, experts say, grew out those infamous “fairy photographs” of the early 20th century. Although a handful have been authenticated, most are clearly fake, a product of trick photography that seems laughably crude by today’s standards, but was quite convincing to people of the time.

PHONY BALONEY? Dubious fairy photographs like this one gave the world a false impression of fairy behavior.

“Many respected intellectuals believed the fairy photos were real. Even Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, vouched for them,” says Ardwicke. “They drew conclusions about fairy behavior based on what was in the pictures.

“The photos typically show any male fairies walking hand in hand or gazing adoringly into each others’ eyes. The implication was obvious.”

Since then, fairies’ false rep for having “sugar in their shoes” has spread far and wide. That their spoken language is eerily sibilant, sounding to the modern ear something like a lisp, has only added fuel to the fire. By the 1930s, the word “fairy” was so associated with homosexuality that English speakers on both sides of the Atlantic began using it as a pejorative term for gays.

Dr. Howard Glenyear, author of the indispensable Fairy Encyclopedia, concurs with Ardwicke’s assertions.

“In my 30 years of fieldwork, I have never encountered a single gay fairy, and it’s not from lack of trying,” he declares. “You’ll sooner find a six-foot four, blue-eyed Chinaman.

“Homosexuality is exceedingly rare among fairies. Elves, that’s another story.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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