Archive for the ‘political satire’ Tag

While U.S. is Now a Cartoon, Laws of Physics Still Apply, Scientists Say.   Leave a comment

trump-simpsons

DOH!  America is now one long Simpsons episode, experts agree.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.

“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.

“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”

wiley-coyote-gravity-lessons

In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.

Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.

Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:

duck-plane

If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.

 

 

wile-e-coyote-painted-tunnel

If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.

 

bugs-bunny-explosion

If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.

 

 

wolf

No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.

 

 

yosemite-sam

If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.

 

 

peter-pan-shadow

A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.

 

woody-woodpecker-heart

Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.

 

 

wile-e-anvil

If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.

 

 

 

 

yosemite-saws

If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.

 

 

sharp-tack

No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.

 

 

The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.

“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

World’s Billionaires Vow to Topple the Elite.   Leave a comment

yacht

OWNING a pricey yacht like the $1 billion Streets of Monaco doesn’t make you one of the elite.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.

While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.

“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”

.

king-saudi-arabia

The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.

In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.

“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”

The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.

“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

U.S. Arming Freedom Fighters with Guns that Fire Backward After 5 Years — In Case They Turn Against Us!   1 comment

Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real "bang" out of the experience.

Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!

DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.

“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.

“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”

A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.

SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys ... for now.

SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.

If you found this article amusing, you might enjoy the writer’s newest novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House , which is getting rave reviews. Check it out HERE.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance  in new book.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.

Posted September 2, 2014 by C. Michael Forsyth in Guns

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ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE WOMAN HAS TATTOO OF EVERY REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT.   Leave a comment

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincolnl

BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincoln.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA – Right-wing talk radio host Debbie Gurvney does more than wear her political views on her sleeve. Her body is covered head to toe with tattoos of every Republican President!

The conservative cutie’s curvaceous caboose is adorned with the faces of the party’s greatest icons Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, while Herbert Hoover, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Ulysses S. Grant and other commanders in chief decorate her skin as well.

The outspoken hottie’s 36-24-36 bod also sports an elephant (the GOP mascot), plus familiar slogans including “Morning in America” and “Mission Accomplished.” And in addition to the presidents, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich holds a special place of honor: her bikini area.

“I thought of having President Bush there for obvious reasons, but I decided that would be disrespectful to the leader who kept us safe for eight years,” Debbie says reverently.

Debbie, 26, freely admits the tattoos are in part a publicity stunt to advertise her nationally syndicated show “Debbie Does D.C.,” scheduled to go on the air in six weeks. But she insists there’s more to it than that.

“It’s my way of showing how committed I am to the cause of conservatism at a time when our freedoms are under attack,” the perky pundit explains.

Debbie got her first tattoo, of George W. Bush,  in high school to show her support for the then-unpopular Iraq war and to thumb her nose at “my peacenik liberal parents.” Since then she’s added another GOP prez every few months.

When the bodacious blonde struts down Miami’s crowded South Beach in a skimpy bikini, she gets plenty of attention – and loves every minute of it.

“It gives me the opportunity to talk about issues such as cap and trade with young male voters who normally couldn’t care less about politics,” she explains. “Many of them don’t know a thing about Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan’s favorite president. But with his face right there between my breasts, it’s easy to bring him up.”

While Debbie adamantly opposes gay marriage, she doesn’t mind that lesbians also drool over her as she stretches out on a beach blanket working on her tan.

“When they ask me about the tattoos, I invite them to have a seat and apply sun block to my back,” says the family-values proponent. “As they’re rubbing lotion on The Gipper and Dubya, it gives me an opportunity to lecture them on the sanctity of traditional marriage and the benefits of conversion therapy.”

Debbie says her role model is famed political commentator Ann Coulter.

“I love that she’s young, attractive and hip, with an irreverent sense of humor,” she says. “I want to show America that not all Republicans are old, rich white men – some of us date old, rich white men!”

Feminists aren’t crazy about the luscious lady’s eye-popping fashion statement. They charge that by using her fabulous figure as a billboard, she’s become little more than a sex object. Debbie pooh poohs that argument.

“It doesn’t surprise me that old-school women’s libbers can’t handle this,” she laughed. “They think that every time a man looks at a pretty girl it’s sexual exploitation. And let’s be honest. Your typical frumpy Democrat woman like Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren couldn’t pull this off. I’m living proof that our women are hotter than their women – and we’re a lot more fun.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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