Archive for the ‘strippers’ Tag

“Strippers Versus Werewolves” Bares More Than Fangs.   Leave a comment

No "Gone with the Wind" or even "Howard the Duck."

No “Gone with the Wind” or even “Howard the Duck.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

It would seem impossible to screw up some movies. Take “Strippers Versus Werewolves.” As a viewer, your expectations aren’t very high. You just want a campy, tongue-in-cheek romp with a healthy dose of T & A and a few scares.

Sadly, nothing is completely idiot-proof. This amateurishly filmed excuse for a horror-comedy makes the dismal “Zombie Strippers” look like a cinematic masterpiece.

First problem is that the strippers are clad in unflattering and unrevealing outfits, while executing dance routines that are relentlessly unsexy. Second problem is that less effort went into creating believable werewolves than would take place in an unambitious student film.

HUBBA HUBBA! If images like this get you hot and bothered you'll love the movie's striptease scenes.

HUBBA HUBBA! If images like this get you hot and bothered you’ll love the movie’s striptease scenes.

I’ve long wanted to see another werewolf flick with minimal makeup, like Henry Hull’s in “The Werewolf of London” or Jack Nicholson’s in “Wolf. “But the rubber noses, ears and fangs in this British movie look like they came from the Halloween discount bin at Wal-Mart — not even a real costume shop.

LESS than convincing werewolf effects pump a silver bullet into film.

LESS-than-convincing werewolf effects put a silver bullet in the heart of this film.

The one starlet in the picture I wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers is spectacularly well-endowed Lucy Pinder. Unfortunately, instead of making full use of her assets, the producers don’t Lucy cast as a stripper — but rather, almost perversely, as a member of a vampire duo who show up for a few seconds.

ASSETS UNDERUTILIZED:  Lucy Pinder appears but, tragically NOT as a stripper.

ASSETS UNDERUTILIZED: Lucy Pinder appears but, tragically, NOT as a stripper.

DOUBLE D TROUBLE: Vampire duo add to the woes.

DOUBLE D TROUBLE: Vampire duo add to the woes.

There’s one cool idea: The pack of werewolves are basically a gang of English houligans. There’s one really good performance: Robert Compston as a young member of the pack whose girlfriend turns out to be one of the strippers. Robert Englund has a cameo as the imprisoned former leader of the gang, the Alpha male” as he puts it, and the “Nightmare on Elm Street” star is at his menacing best in the five minutes he’s on screen. But Englund, who also livened up “Zombie Strippers” a bit as a sleazy club owner, couldn’t save this dog of a werewolf movie.

Instead of blowing cash on this DVD release, better to invest in a lap dance at your local topless watering hole.

ALPHA MALE: Robert Englund has brief cameo as ex-packe leader..

ALPHA MALE: Robert Englund has brief cameo as ex-pack leader.

PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women's prison.

PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.


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I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.

The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!

Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!

PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.

PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.

<img src="https://freedomshammer.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/hour_of_beast_cover_web1.jpg" alt="Speaking of werewolves and sex, in this reviewer's acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, a bride is raped by a wolfman on her wedding night — then things start to get out of hand! ” width=”466″ height=”324″ class=”size-full wp-image-933″ /> Speaking of werewolves and sex, in this reviewer’s acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, a bride is raped by a wolfman on her wedding night — then things start to get out of hand!

To check out Hour of the Beast, click HERE,

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Big Game Hunter Stalks Strippers in “Naked Fear.”   Leave a comment

STALKED: Sunburn isn’t all that Diana (Danielle De Luca) has to worry about when she’s hunted by a lunatic.

By C. Michael Forsyth

When I first read The Most Dangerous Game back in 7th grade, I was captivated by the classic 1922 short story about an rich maniac who hunts humans for sport on his private island. Many variations of the tale have surfaced over the years. These include the 1932 screen adaptation starring Joel McCrea (filmed on the Skull Island set of “King Kong”), “The Naked Prey,” in which African warriors strip and pursue a safari guide, “Surviving the Game,” in which Gary Busey and pals hunt homeless dudes, and “Predator,” in which a space alien sets his sights on mercenaries. In the pilot of “Fantasy Island,” a more-sinister-than-usual Mr. Roarke obliges a guest whose secret dream is to be hunted like an animal. There was even a “Get Smart” episode entitled “Island of the Darned,” in which Maxwell Smart is chased by a KAOS hunting aficionado.

“Naked Fear” is The Most Dangerous Game with strippers. A big game hunter kidnaps exotic dancers and hookers, flies them by private plane to the remote woods and releases them, stark naked. Then, giving them a sportsmanlike 15-minute head start, he tracks and kills them. When I stumbled upon this DVD release on Netflix at 2 a.m., I said “Jackpot.” One of my favorite action-adventure themes, with full frontal nudity!

To be fair, the film is not as exploitative as the premise suggests. You realize this right off the bat in the opening sequence, when we see a hapless victim being chased through the New Mexico wilds. You expect a 38DD-24-36 Playboy playmate type, bouncing along as she shrieks “Eek, eek!” Instead the victim is haggard, with what women like to call a “real woman’s” body. In fact, none of the strippers in the flick are Scores material. They’re more like the tragic trailer trash you’d see lethargically shuffling from foot to foot in a dive bar. Which is exactly where the main character Diana works.

Even the film’s star Danielle De Luca is no bombshell. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, but with her mousy brown hair and modest endowments, she clearly was not cast for her looks. Initially, it doesn’t seem like she was chosen for her thespian skills either.

Her character was flown to a backwater New Mexico town by a strip club owner promising big pay and a glamorous lifestyle. But the club turns out to be a pit. The owner’s henchman sticks her in a hotel room with a heroin addict, confiscates her driver’s license and charges her for his expenses, saying she won’t be free until she pays the club back with interest. There’s nothing compelling about either the character or the performance — it’s all too reminiscent of Elizabeth Berkley as a similarly naïve airhead in the excruciating “Showgirls.”

But when Diana is kidnapped by hunting buff Colin Mandel (J.D. Garfield), the owner of a local greasy spoon and pal of the sheriff (Joe Montegna), the movie takes off. Diana wakes up in a field, bruised, bloody, naked, and disoriented. She soon finds herself being hunted by Mandel, who totes first a crossbow then a high-powered rifle.

Diana proves to be surprisingly plucky and resourceful as she fights to survive. De Luca’s acting in the chase is actually quite good. She effectively communicates the terror and physical pain the character endures in the nightmarish scenario.

In the prolonged chase that is the heart of the film, the action is suspenseful and believable. (Actually somewhat more believable than in the acclaimed “Naked Prey,” in which middle-aged Caucasian Cornell Wilde is able to beat a bunch of Africans in long distance running!)

A surprisingly poignant segment of the film occurs when Diana stumbles into the campsite of a father and his two young sons. The dad prays with his sons before leaving her under their protection while he hikes for help. The killer, watching all this from his hiding place, must now deal with a very unexpected turn of events.

Bottom line, while the movie’s setup leaves something desired, it delivers where it counts: an exciting chase through the great outdoors with plenty of narrow escapes and reversals.

REAL LIFE killer Robert Hansen hunted more than just elk.

As unbelievable as it may sound, the 2008 movie is inspired by a true story. Robert Hansen was a big game hunter who decided to liven up the sport by kidnapping, releasing and then hunting strippers in the wilds of Alaska. From 1971 to 1983, Hansen killed about two dozen women, before finally being snared and sentenced to 461 years in prison.

I find it odd that Hansen isn’t a household name, like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy. You’d think anyone who did something that spectacularly crazy would join our pantheon of sickest, most evil mother-humpers ever.

Hansen, whose story was told in the book Fair Game, may soon finally enjoy the infamy he deserves. Actor John Cusack will play the cowardly sicko in the upcoming big-budget film “The Frozen Ground,” opposite Nicolas Cage as an Alaska state trooper who hunts the hunter.

HUNTING the hunter: Nicolas Cage pursues serial killer Hansen in “On Frozen Ground.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review gives Hour of the Beast “two thumbs up and a lusty howl at the moon.”

You can check out Hour of the Beast by visiting Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE.

STRIPPER SAVES EARTH FROM INVASION — After E.T. Reveals Plans During Lap Dance!   Leave a comment

Eye-popping surveilance video from strip club V.I.P. room reveals what is believed to be an extraterrestrial.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA — A spunky stripper is being credited with foiling an alien invasion — after a loose-lipped E.T. spilled the beans about an imminent attack during a lap dance!

The quick-thinking 36D-24-38 dancer promptly alerted military officials, who used high-tech “Star Wars” hardware to zap the alien mother ship outside the Earth’s atmosphere.

Curvaceous Candy, whose real name is being withheld for reasons of national security, will be awarded the Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, in a secret White House ceremony, a reliable Department of Defense source confirmed.

Incredibly, the 23-year-old entertainer doesn’t consider herself a hero.

“I just did what any other concerned citizen would do,” she said modestly.

The bizarre close encounter took place May 2 at about 1 a.m., at a popular gentleman’s club in Tampa, Florida. Candy had just come off the stage when she was approached by the creature, which had a glowing green face.

“He asked me my name and said he wanted a lap dance,” the bosomy blonde recalled. “I said sure and led him back to the V.I.P. room.

“He was wearing this bright Star Treky uniform, but I didn’t think much of it at the time because there was a science fiction convention in town. His face was green and eyes were all black, including where the whites should be, but I just figured it was some kind of mask. He also smelled funny, which I thought was bad cologne.”

As topless Candy ground her G-string-clad behind into the peculiar patron’s crotch, he guzzled beer and his tongue began to loosen.

“He said he was from outer space, a ‘planet just beyond Alpha Proxima’ and that his people were way superior to us humans,” the beauty said.

“The more he drank, the more he got to talking. He said that him and his friends had a big ship hiding behind the moon and that in six days they were going to attack Earth.

“He kept bragging about how they would crush our soldiers ‘like ants’ and all Earthlings would be ‘exterminated’ except for a few that would be kept as pets. He told me I could be one of the lucky ones if I played my cards right, and he asked for my phone number.

‘Well, I figured him for some pathetic sci-fi nerd. So I‘m like, ‘Okay, that sounds great,’ and I gave him the number to Dunkin Donuts.”

The steamy session lasted through eight three–minute songs. Then the E.T. staggered to his feet.

“He took out this metal thing shaped like a pen and pointed it at my forehead,” the exotic dancer remembers.

“I think it may have been one of those memory-erasing gadgets, like in Men in Black, you know?

“But he must have been pointing it the wrong way, ’cause after the flash, he asks me my name all over again like we’d never met. He says he wants a lap dance, but when he looks in his wallet, it’s empty. He looks confused, like he’s wondering where all his money went. Then he mutters something in a funny foreign language and stumbles out of the bar.”

At first Candy dismissed the strange customer as just another lonely weirdo. But when she awoke the next morning, what she calls her “ho’s intuition” kicked in . She reported the incident to her brother, who serves as a mechanic in the U.S. Air Force. The report went swiftly up the chain of command until it reached the desk of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.

“The report raised red flags because mysterious signals had indeed been picked up near the moon,” said the Pentagon source. “The military people connected the dots. Secretary Gates communicated with the President, who okayed the shoot-down.”

The alien craft was intercepted as it emerged from behind the moon. The source refused to divulge exactly what kind of weapon was used to attack the colossal vessel, other than that it “fried” the guidance systems.

“The ship went down near the Sea of Japan,” the source revealed. “A special retrieval team has been dispatched to recover the wreckage. The best part is we’ll have the opportunity to appropriate captured alien technology for the first time since 1991.”

Although Candy’s award is top secret, the source said the President will personally deliver it and he has said the “nation and indeed the world will forever be in her debt.”

“I’m just glad it was me that alien picked for a lap dance,” Candy observes. “If it had been one of those three real bimbos who work here, things could have turned out a whole lot different.”

EXCIITING WEREWOLF ART CONTEST #1

An upcoming story is titled, “Female Vampire and Werewolf Woman in Catfight!”
Submit a drawing of the sexy pair mixing it up in a bar room brawl. The winner will receive a free 36″ X 24″ Hour of the Beast poster worth a whopping $54. Email your entry to Cfors10917@aol.com with the subject heading “Catfight Art Contest.” Hurry! The deadline for entries is July 1, 2011.

Contest Rules: Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions and its subsidiaries may not compete. Our judges’ decision will be final. Any art used will become the property of Freedom’s Hammer Productions.

Posters for Hour of the Beast novel are a coveted item on the Internet.

Check out Hour of the Beast by clicking HERE.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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