Archive for the ‘Trump Wall’ Tag

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Wall to be Guarded by Night’s Watch, Just like in “Game of Thrones.”   Leave a comment

the_wall

The Wall in Game of Thrones is nearly 700 feet high

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Uncle Donald wants YOU — to join the noble band of brothers who will guard Trump Wall, just like the Night’s Watch in the hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

Thousands of patriotic Americans nationwide have already volunteered to man the $25 billion border wall that’s being built to protect the U.S. from Mexicans.

“Letters are pouring in from around the country from men and women who want to join the elite force,” said a White House source. “The wall will be tall, yes, perhaps as high as 40 feet, huge. But it would be comparatively easy for Mexicans to dig under it. We need real heroes to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

In Game of Thrones, the Night’s Watch is a military order that guards the Wall, an immense ice structure that separates the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms from the lands beyond. The Wall keeps out threats such as white walkers, wildings and giants. The Trump Rangers, as the guardians have tentatively been dubbed, will play a similar role guarding the wall that will stretch along the 1900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

In the popular fantasy series, the Night’s Watch is drawn from the dregs of society, including petty criminals, street urchins, bastards and outcasts. Likewise, a checkered past — including a less-than-unblemished rap sheet — won’t keep you from a spot atop Trump Wall. Almost any American with gumption and an eagerness to serve has what it takes to be a Trump Ranger.

“You don’t need a fancy high school diploma or other special qualifications,” the aide explained. “We’re not looking for people with a background in law enforcement or the military. That would be prohibitively expensive. We’re looking for enthusiasm, patriotism and loyalty to our President. We’ll give you the training you need.”

While the heroes’ job may sound glamorous, conditions at the southern border — blazing hot in the day, freezing at night – will be more uncomfortable than many citizens can bear. So Trump Rangers are likely to include undocumented immigrants.

Said the aide, “These people are willing to do jobs most American’s don’t want.”

jon-snow

Brave and noble Jon Snow leads the ragtag Night’s Watch.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Big Art Contest: Create Mural for Trump Wall   Leave a comment

 

trump-wall-mural

Murals like this one in Los Angeles have been used to make drab city walls more cheery.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Are you a budding artist? An exciting new contest offers you a chance to achieve lasting fame – by designing a giant mural to adorn the soon-to-be-built Trump Wall between the U.S. and Mexico.

The ambitious project to beautify the barrier stretching along the 1,900-mile border between the two nations is being spearheaded by a group of wealthy patrons of the arts, who say it will be funded by a combination of their donations and a crowd-funding campaign.

“There is no reason for Trump Wall to be an eyesore,” explains philanthropist Gwendoline Worthington-Reese. “Rather, this is an opportunity to create a unique art object of lasting beauty that puts the creativity, imagination and patriotism of Americans on display.”

mural-patriotic-best

A patriotic theme can be seen in this mural in Yuca Valley, California.

While the theme is entirely up to the artist, possible subjects range from detailed recreations of scenes in American history like the moon landing or Custer’s Last Stand, to panoramic views of our majestic heartland, to animals such as the bald eagle, the American bison and the beaver. One suggestion is to highlight the four U.S. states that run along the border.

“You could show the siege at the Alamo or a cattle drive to represent Texas,” says Worthington Reese. “To represent California, you might depict legendary Hollywood actors such as John Wayne and Johnny Depp, or iconic movie scenes like the flying monkey attack in The Wizard of Oz, or perhaps the destruction of the Death Star.”

john-wayne-painting

Beloved western star John Wayne

Organizers of the Trump Wall Art Contest say the competition is open to professional artists, talented amateurs, students, and art enthusiasts who simply like to suggest ideas to their painter friends. Details such as the amount of the prize money and where to submit designs have yet to be announced.

Because there will be roughly 264 million square feet of wall space to cover, any artist whose design is selected will not be expected to execute the monumental painting project singlehandedly. Scores of laborers will assist in carrying out the painstaking task — giving good paying jobs to American, or possibly Mexican, workers. And it’s likely that multiple designs will be incorporated in the mural.

“We’d like to include a section that celebrates Mexican culture, for example a painting of Dora the Explorer, to illustrate to our neighbors to the south that this is their wall too,” reveals Worthington-Reese. “When cattle cars of deported illegal aliens arrive at the border to be reunited with their native land, this would help to put their minds at ease. Mariachi bands playing joyful music will help to create a festive mood.”

dora-the-explorer

Dora the Explorer educates and entertains children on TV

President-Elect Donald Trump has vowed to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall,” to prevent illegal aliens from pouring into the U.S.

“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words,” the billionaire said when he announced his presidential bid.

Trump promises the wall will be “35 to 40 feet, or 50 feet, or higher,” and estimates the cost will be a mere $8 billion to $12 billion. Most experts predict the price tag will be a bit higher, as much as $25 billion. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto recently declared that it will be a cold day in hell before his country spends a dime on Trump Wall, but aides to the incoming prez insist that will all change when the wily author of Art of the Deal puts his negotiating skills into full gear.

trump-smiling-bester

President-Elect Donald Trump will soon be leader of the free world.

Like the Great Wall of China, the towering Trump Wall will be visible from space. But thanks to the awesome artwork designed by patriotic American artists, it will be far more magnificent than that structure or other famous barriers such as Hadrian’s Wall or the Berlin Wall.

“Melania Trump will be the most beautiful First Lady ever, and Trump Wall will be the most beautiful wall ever,” declares Worthington-Reese.

Do you have a creative concept for the wall? Post it here!

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The mural story is pure parody. Whether Donald Trump was pulling our legs about the wall, we’ll have to wait and see. If you got a chuckle from this article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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