Archive for the ‘weird news’ Tag

JUNGLE TRIBE’S LANGUAGE BASED ON WITHERING SARCASM   Leave a comment

C. Michael Forsyth

KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!

British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.

“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’

“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’

“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”

The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.

“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”

“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”

THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea's highlands is home to many primitive tribes.

THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.

Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.

“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”

The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).

VANISHED: Did explorer Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?

VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?

How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.

Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.

“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.

“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.

Anthropologist Held Hostage By Elves For 7 Years   254 comments

Anthropologist elves

MIRACULOUS: Icelandic authorities rescue missing scientist.

By C. Michael Forsyth

REYKJAVIK, Iceland — Seven years after she vanished without a trace, a female anthropologist emerged from a mysterious cave where authorities believe she may have been held hostage by real-life elves!

Danish researcher Kalena Søndergaard was stark naked, covered by dust and babbling incoherently when rescuers found her outside a tiny opening in the famous Elf Rock, traditionally believed to house the underground dwelling place of mankind’s tiny cousins.

“She was crouching like an animal and spoke only in a language unrelated to any we know,” said Arnar Guðjohnsen of the National Rescue Service, which airlifted the 31-year-old survivor to a hospital by helicopter.

“The only word we could understand was ‘alfur,’ an old Icelandic word for elves. On her back were strange tattoos similar to those markings Viking explorers found on rock formations when they settled Iceland in 874, traditionally known as ‘elf writing.’ ”

Kalena Best

DANISH anthropologist Kalena Søndergaard vanished without a trace.

Kalena, who was seeking proof of the existence of elves, was reported missing in January of 2006. At the time, police suspected she was the victim of foul play, but an intensive search failed to turn up any remains. On Feb. 4, 2013, hikers spotted the scientist crawling on all fours on a ledge high on the rocky hill, moving “more like an ape than a human being,” one of the hikers told a newspaper.

Elf colorized better

ELUSIVE, small humanoids like the one in this 19th century illustration live beneath Iceland, a majority of citizens believe. And now scientists believe they may be right!

Belief in elves is widespread in the frigid island nation. One poll shows that 70 % of inhabitants believe they share the country with the pint-size underground race they call the Huldufolk or “hidden people.”

“The hidden people live in the underworld right beneath the ground in rocks and hills,” according to Haukur Ingi Jónasson, a leading Icelandic theologian and psychoanalyst.

UNEXPLAINED: Iceland's government protects reputed elf dwellings like this one.

UNEXPLAINED: Iceland’s government protects reputed elf dwellings like this one.

The government takes age-old legends about elves so seriously that roads are built around rocks formations associated with the creatures. Factories cannot be constructed until government experts certify there are no underground elf dwellings at the site.

Dr. Niels Kristiansen was one of Kalena’s colleagues of at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark and says the anthropologist wrote her doctoral thesis on elf folklore.

“Until recently most experts assumed that stories about elves in Iceland were merely fairytales,” reveals Dr. Kristiansen. “But the discovery in 2003 of the so-called Hobbit in Liang Bua cave on the remote Indonesian island of Flores confirmed that a race of diminutive humanoids lived there as recently as 12,000 years ago.

STUNNING 2003 discovery of the Hobbit, , on a remote island, raised scientific speculation that Iceland's elves exist.

STUNNING 2003 discovery of the Hobbit on a remote island raised scientific speculation that Iceland’s elves also exist.

“Had it not been for a volcanic eruption those close relatives of homo sapiens might have survived up to the present day. Since no such catastrophe occurred in Iceland, it’s a reasonable hypothesis that this species of tiny humanoids existed on the island at the time of the Vikings. Certainly this aboriginal race would have had a good reason to take refuge underground to hide from the fierce warriors.

“Kalena was excited about the possibility that elves exist. That’s why she went to Iceland in 2005 to pursue her investigation.”

A logical starting point was the enormous hill Alfarkirkjan, known as Elf Rock. Located in the Sælingsdalur Valley, it has remained unchanged since the Ice Age. The mysterious rock, sometimes called the Cathedral of the Elves, has been the site of elf sightings for centuries and many psychics claim to have communicated telepathically with the beings who live deep in its bowels.

OMINOUS Elf Rock has been the site of encounters with the “hidden people” for more than 1,000 years.

According to one folktale, a pair of brothers had a close encounter with the hidden people. The younger brother Sveinn often disappeared for days without explanation and was rumored to have learned to talk with elves. One night, his brother Arnór went to Elf Rock in search of him. To his amazement, a secret opening in the hill appeared and Arnór saw Sveinn surrounded by knee-high, pointy-eared men who were about to initiate the mesmerized youth in a bizarre ritual. Arnór convinced his brother to escape with him. Furious at having been denied their prize, the elves chased the brothers and almost killed them.

Generally, elves rarely attack humans unless provoked. However, there are many Icelandic folktales about the Huldufolk invading farmhouses for food during the rough winters. Why they would have taken the attractive young scientist prisoner remains a mystery.

“Kalena may have stumbled onto an entryway to their kingdom,” Dr. Kristiansen speculates. “That act of trespass may have angered the hidden people and perhaps they took her captive so she couldn’t reveal their secret doorway to other outsiders.”

Though found without a stitch of clothing, the bedraggled woman did not appear to have been sexually abused. But authorities have not ruled out the possibility that she had voluntary relations with her captors.

“Elves reputedly have an interest in human females and are known to use mind control to seduce them,” observes folklore expert Eva Bryndísarson.

HEROES: Iceland's elite rescue team whisked traumatized scientist back to civilization.

HEROES: Iceland’s elite rescue team whisked traumatized scientist back to civilization.

Tradition holds that elves use magic for either good or ill. They can establish a psychic link with humans, although people who engage in such contact run the risk of becoming insane. That might explain why the brainy Ph.D’s mind is scrambled.

“Kalena’s brain is Swiss cheese now. She has been through a terrible ordeal,” says Dr. Kristiansen. “We are hopeful that she will someday be able to provide a lucid account of what happened.”

While scientists are eager to enter the crevice through which the anthropologist miraculously escaped, that may not happen for years — if ever.

“The government of Iceland is very protective of elf-related sites,” notes Dr. Kristiansen. “It’s doubtful they would allow an expedition into this secret underworld.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

If you enjoyed this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his upcoming project:

 

Vampires take over a women’s prison in this graphic novel. A Kickstarter is underway right now!

If you like reading fact and fiction woven skillfully together, you might enjoy the thriller Houdini vs. Rasputin, written by the author of this article. Basic RGB

If you enjoyed this mind-blowing tale, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

More about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Read Hour of the Beast.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

NEW DHS FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE CAN IDENTIFY WEREWOLVES   Leave a comment

Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…

… actor Henry Hull.

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!

In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.

“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.

But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.

“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”

Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.

The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…

…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”

“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”

But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.

“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”

— C. Michael Forsyth

Who could that be under all that hair?

GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.

Iran’s Female Zorro Beats Up Clerics Who Scold Women for “Immodest” Clothing!   1 comment

MASKED AVENGER: Mystery woman faces death if captured.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SHAMIRZAD, Iran – Iranian authorities have issued a fatwa – a death warrant – for a burqa-clad mystery woman who beats up clerics who scold ladies for immodest dress!

Since September, 14 holy men have been beaten to a pulp by the veiled vixen – enraging leaders in a nation where women are supposed to be subservient. Known only as the Mystery Virgin, she has been likened to the swashbuckling masked avenger Zorro.

“Because she’s covered head to toe, none of the injured victims have been able to identify her,” says Iranian journalist Davood Jobrani of the People’s Report.

“Authorities are frustrated – and concerned that if the Mystery Virgin is not captured soon, disrespectful behavior could spread among the female population. They fear we might have women running around in blue jeans and high heels. The imans have launched the mother of all manhunts for the assailant.”

Iranian law demands that women abide by a strict dress code that bans Western clothing. Those who break the rules risk public reprimand by the “morality police,” clerics or alert male citizens – and for serious breaches can be carted off to jail.

The first known attack took place in the northern town of Shamirzad. According to Iran’s official Mehr News Agency, the Mystery Virgin pummeled the cleric so badly that he needed hospitalization.

Respected religious leader Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti told reporters he was on his way to pray at a mosque when he encountered a young woman and warned her that her ankles were partially exposed.

“She responded by telling me to cover my eyes, which was very insulting to me,” still-shaken Beheshti recalled. When he demanded she cover up, the Mystery Virgin told him to “put a lid on it.” Then she punched him so hard he hit the ground.

OPPRESSED Muslim women in Iran are forced to cover themselves head to toe in a garment called a burqa — or face cruel punishment.

Since then, more than a dozen clerics in the area have reported similar incidents in which they criticized women for non-Isamic dress or conduct and were severely thrashed for the unsolicited advice.

“I saw a woman reading an American fashion magazine in the park and noticed that she was wearing nail polish,” Arash Hadandi told Iranian TV. “I ordered her to put away the magazine and scolded her for her shamelessness. Out of nowhere a second woman appeared and told me to shut up.

“I said, ‘How dare you? Go on your way or you’ll get a good caning.’

“She replied, ‘The only one who’s getting a beating today is you.’ The harlot knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I was unconscious.”

Hadandi suffered a broken nose and two fractured ribs in the brutal attack.

News of the Mystery Virgin’s exploits has spread throughout the country, along with wild rumors. Some Iranians believe the two-fisted superheroine studied martial arts, or perhaps picked up tricks from bootleg Jackie Chan DVDS, in clear violation of Sharia, Muslim holy law.

“She delivers blows so rapidly and her roundhouse kick is so powerful that she may indeed have received some special training,” said Police Inspector Mahoud Rostami, who is leading the investigation. “Or it could merely be that rage has given her abnormal strength.”

HUMILIATED: This cleric was beaten within an inch of his life, then stripped of his robes, authorities say.


Adding insult to injury, two of the victims were left stripped to their underwear. Clergyman Farid Karimi denounced a woman he spotted on the street as a “prostitute” because he could make out her curves through her burqa. The Mystery Virgin came to her rescue, taking down Karimi with a lightning fast blitz of jabs and uppercuts.

“As I lay sprawled in the alley, she said, ‘I don’t like your fashion sense either,’ and yanked off my robes,” Karimi told newsmen. “As I tried to cover myself she disappeared into the gathering crowd.”

Karimi, who was found to be wearing women’s undergarments, now faces criminal charges himself. But it is the elusive Mystery Virgin whom authorities are determined to bring to justice. If captured, she could face a trial before a religious tribunal and death by stoning.

The Mystery Virgin has become a symbol for the pent-up anger of downtrodden Muslim women, to whom she’s become a hero.

“They may condemn her in front of their husbands at the dinner table,” notes reporter Jobrani. “But when they are in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, they praise her in hushed voices.”

SWASHBUCKLING Zorro, portrayed here by Tyrone Power, also defended the weak and oppressed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

Church Ladies Possessed By Ghost of Town Floozy!   Leave a comment

POSSESSED? Four of the seven church ladies in this photo claim to have been forced to perform unnatural acts by a vengeful ghost. Their faces have been blurred to protect their privacy.

By C. Michael Forsyth

FAIRFIELD, Conn — Four devout church-going women say they are being hounded by the ghost of the neighborhood tramp they drove her death — claiming that she commandeers their bodies and forces them to engage in humiliating sex acts!

When possessed by the spirit of Brigett Hathwerd, the barmaid they ran out of town in 2008, the normally prim and proper church ladies squeeze into tight clothing, apply garish makeup and seek out reckless escapades with strangers. Halloween night is always the worst, and this October 31 was no exception.

“The next morning I woke up in the alley behind a biker bar draped over an overturned garbage can – completely naked,” confided one victim who wished to be identified by her initials C.L. “Every intimate area of my body was sore and my mouth had a disgusting taste in it. I have no recollection of what happened. But now when I walk on the street or shop for groceries, random men with tattoos will grin and wave as if they know me.

“I feel so ashamed. This is a nightmare.”

The odd supernatural saga began in the summer of 2008 when Brigett started to attend the women’s church.

“You could see what she was as soon as you laid eyes on her,” says a second victim, 36-year-old K.R. “The shameless way she dressed, with her bosom all out, the way she walked and the way men looked at her – including the married ones. They flirted with her and it was quite obvious she loved the attention.”

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK: Sexy barmaid Brigett Hathwerd perished in a 2008 car wreck.

Within a few months, rumors began to circulate that the pretty 23-year-old brunette was having affairs with two married men in the church. Incensed, their spouses went to the preacher’s wife – who also suspected the vixen had her claws in her mate.

“We formed a little ‘committee’ and the four of us met over tea,” recalls C.L., 31. “We agreed that we needed to perform an ‘intervention.’ Late one evening, we confronted Brigett at her little trailer home. We said that we knew the kind of person she was and told her in no uncertain terms that we wanted her to leave town. I said that we had evidence that she had received cash gifts from one of the men and she could easily be brought up on prostitution charges.

“My exact words were, ‘You know, we can make things very unpleasant for you. Everything would be in the newspapers. The editor of the local paper is a dear friend.’

“She started to cry and was red in the face, which surprised me because you’d never think that little tart could feel shame. She started stuffing clothes in a suitcase, much to our delight.”

On Halloween night 2008, Brigett sped away from town – and blinded by rain, collided with another vehicle. She succumbed to her injuries in a hospital less than an hour after the wreck.

TOTALLED: Horrific aftermath of collision that killed Brigett Hathwerd.

The troubled young woman’s life had come to a tragic end, but her tormentors’ woes were just beginning.

Reverend James Sedbrook says that three years later to the day on October 31, 2011, his wife Carol – the only victim who agreed that her name appear in print — began to display strange behavior.

“We don’t believe in Halloween, so I was quite surprised to see my wife come into the living room in a very inappropriate maid costume. It showed a shocking amount of cleavage and most of her backside was exposed. She was wearing bright red lipstick and popping bubblegum like a streetwalker in a B movie. But it was her expression that troubled me the most – it just didn’t look like my Carol. Her eyes twinkled in this mischievous way and the smile on those lips was so wicked.

“Well, at first I thought she was just pulling a joke in the spirit of Halloween and I asked what was going on. Then she spoke and her voice wasn’t Carol’s. It was very sultry and familiar somehow, though at first I couldn’t place it. She said, ‘I’m going trick or treating. Maybe I’ll treat some tricks.’ And she giggled.

“Concerned, I told her, ‘I command you as your husband not to go out that door.’ She just smirked, turned around and left the house. As she strutted off, I saw how her bottom was wiggling and I recognized who this being was. My blood ran cold.”

At the very same moment, the husband of the fourth woman, 42-year-old D.W., was experiencing something eerily similar.

“My wife, who has always been very conservative, suddenly began asking for some very unnatural things from me in the bedroom, things no Christian woman would frankly even think of,” he reveals. “I reluctantly complied. The whole night, filth came spewing out of her mouth, I mean cusses that would make a sailor blush. The next morning she apologized with tears in her eyes, saying she didn’t know what came over her. This kept happening about once a week, no matter how hard she prayed or tried to resist. After three months, I knew we needed help and I contacted Rev. Sedbrook.”

THE HOUSE OF THE LORD has become the setting for troubling events, according to a preacher in the peaceful New England town of Fairfield, Conn.

Given what was happening under his own roof, and similar pleas for help from the other couples, it didn’t take the preacher long to put two and two together. He contacted a fellow clergyman experienced in exorcism, hoping to dispel the spirit of the town tramp. But the exorcist’s efforts fell flat.

“When I ordered the evil spirit to leave Carol’s body in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, she just laughed in my face,” says the Reverend Toby Lasbender. “To my horror, she dropped to her knees with a lascivious leer and tried to pull down my pants.”

The ministers are so desperate that last month, they called in a paranormal investigator for assistance.

Surprisingly, Dr. Dan Greavesby of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research is not yet convinced the supernatural is at work.

“A disembodied human spirit does not have the power of bilocation – in layman’s terms, a ghost can’t be in two places at once, as the late Brigett Hathwerd supposedly has been,” the expert explained.

“This leads me to suspect that we are dealing with a rather typical case of mass hysteria. These victims undoubtedly blame themselves for Brigett’s death. Their subconscious minds may have created this vengeful ‘ghost’ to punish them.”

“Could it be….?” The beloved church lady portrayed by Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live might have an idea who’s responsible for the possessions.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

A TRIFLE INSECURE? Daniel Craig as 007 walks softly and carries a big gun.

In honor of the opening of “Skyfall,” I’ve put together this little Bond quiz. Test your knowledge about 007 and the actors who’ve portrayed him. The first person to answer all 10 questions correctly in the comments section will win 2 free Hour of the Beast T-shirts:

1) In what movie does Bond sing?

2) Bond cries in the movie _____________?

3) In which movie does Bond dress as a clown?

4) Match the 007 actors to the legendary actresses they wooed in non-Bond movies: Lana Turner, Mae West, Merle Oberon.

5) In “You Only Live Twice,” Sean Connery adopts what unlikely disguise?

6) Name three actors from the TV spy series “The Avengers” and the Bond films in which they appear.

7) The title of “Licence to Kill” is unique among Bond flicks because…

8) In what film does 007 first bed a black Bond girl?

9) What is the Bond family motto?

10) In which movie does Bond die?

PS: Leave your email address in your comment so we can get those T-shirts to you.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

French Tourist’s Speedo Spontaneously Combusts   Leave a comment

Speedo

SKIMPY Speedos are the preferred beach attire of Frenchmen, who usually wear them with no ill effects.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MIAMI — As 51-year-old French tourist Jean-Claude Rumiere strutted down Miami Beach in a Speedo, he hoped to dazzle lady beachgoers with the sight of his pudgy bod in all its glory. But that plan went up in smoke when his skimpy swimwear mysteriously burst into flame!

More than 20 eyewitnesses watched aghast as the businessman’s teensy bikini-style trunks became enveloped in what they describe as a “bright bluish blaze” and were reduced to ashes within seconds.

“The guy was waddling down the beach with his gut hanging out over his tight bathing suit and his ‘package’ on full display,” said eyewitness Bill Yerling, 38. “He obviously thought he looked great, but it was pretty gross. I covered my daughter’s eyes and a lot of people were glaring at him.

“Suddenly smoke started to come from his Speedo and it caught fire. The guy screamed his head off and ran into the water to put it out.”

Rumiere suffered second-degree burns on his buttocks and genitals, say police, who are investigating the bizarre August 12 incident.

Psychic researcher Lee-Anne Pryce calls it an apparent case of spontaneous human combustion or SHC. She believes that the hostile stares of dozens of beachgoers combined into highly focused psychic energy.

“It’s called the social pyrokinetic effect, and it’s believed to be responsible for about 1 in 5 cases of SHC,” explained Atlanta-based Pryce.

“We all have heard of the experiment in which hundreds of college students were instructed to concentrate on a candle in the middle of a stadium and ‘will’ it to light. Famously, they succeeded. In the Miami case, something very similar occurred. The only difference was that the energy was directed unconsciously.”

Pryce recounted a 1972 case in which a British bride burst into flame at the altar as several of the groom’s former girlfriends stared angrily at her.

“In that instance, the long, flowing gown went up like a Roman candle and the victim was quickly incinerated,” the expert noted. “Most cases of SHC are fatal. What probably saved Mr. Rumiere is that the article of clothing that caught fire was so small.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, the unthinkable happens. Then things get out of hand.

Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the motion picture hits the big screen.

Conservative “Lady Godiva Coalition” to March on D.C. NUDE to Protest Taxes   Leave a comment

LADY GODIVA, seen here in this famous painting by John Collier, was the first to use nudity to protest taxes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A group of staunchly conservative women has laid bare a bold plan to protest high taxes. They’ll march through Washington with picket signs  – buck naked!

The Lady Godiva Coalition, as the anti-tax crusaders call themselves, announced yesterday that they will strut their stuff on April 17, Tax Day.

“We expect at least 40,000 women to converge on the Capitol,” says organizer Yvonne Merghell. “These are women who strongly believe in family values and that getting to keep what you earn is one of those values.”

Some of the most prominent female conservatives in the country may join in the flesh-flaunting procession. Invites have gone out to dozens of pundits including Ann Coulter, Tomi Lohren, Michelle Malkin, Stacey Dash, Lila Rose and Katie Pavlich, but no word yet if any of them will attend.

“We’re crossing our fingers that some big names will make an appearance,” reveals Merghell. “We’ve already had some positive responses but we’ll have to wait and see who actually shows up. If some ladies chicken out at the last minute I’ll certainly understand.”

The organization takes its name – and its inspiration — from the 11th century English noblewoman Lady Godiva, who protested her husband’s plan to raise taxes by riding naked through the city of Coventry. The shocking strategy worked like a charm. Her mortified mate Leofric, Earl of Mercia, hurriedly scuttled the tax hike.

This isn’t the first time activists have stripped to bring attention to a cause. Left-wing environmental, anti-war and animal-rights groups – most notably PETA – have resorted to buns-baring tactics many times over the past few decades. But it’s the first time on record that right-wing females have doffed their duds en masse in protest.

“When we first started phoning women’s organizations around the country, asking for support, we were met with some skepticism,” admits Merghell. “The chairwoman of the Southern Baptist Church Ladies League was especially hesitant. But once she understood what an important cause this was, she agreed to put it to a vote and the members agreed to participate by an overwhelming margin.”

AU NATUREL: Animal rights groups have been protesting in the all together for years.

Liberals are furious that conservatives are stealing a page from their book. Many vow to shutter their office windows to show their disdain for what they brand a “silly publicity stunt.”

“I plan to be out of town that day and so do scores of my colleagues,” sniffed one Democratic congressman. “We have no interest in seeing a bunch of flabby grandmas who hate tax fairness waddle around making fools of them.”

But GOP leaders are eagerly looking forward to the anti-tax procession and insist the naked truth is that Democrats are jealous.

“This is just sour grapes because our women are so much hotter than their women,” argues Republican pollster Andy Mossick, noting that conservative think tanks have been focusing their recruitment efforts on attractive young college grads in recent years.

“The liberals know they can’t have Hillary Clinton, Donna Brazile and the other dumpy Plain Janes in their party lead a nude march and they’re frustrated.”

LEADERS of the Lady Godiva Coalition hope that some of the prominent female conservatives below will show up — and bare all — to show their support.

Tomi lahren

Tomi Lohren

 

Conservative Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter

 

Michelle Malkin

Michelle Malkin

 

Stacey Dash

Stacey Dash

 

 

Katie Pavlich

Lila Rose

If you enjoyed this piece of news satire  by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

NEW LAW WILL BAN HISPANICS FROM NAMING BABIES JESUS   1 comment

CHRIST'S name is sacred to members of Christian faith.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PHOENIX, Arizona — Hispanic groups are crying foul over a proposed state law that would ban illegal aliens from naming their children Jesus.

“To give our Lord’s name to a baby who could grow up to be a gang member or drug dealer is not just offensive, it’s a form of sacrilege,” says Arthur L. Martinsweld of the American Heritage Research Council, which has endorsed the law. “It’s a slap in the face to Christians.”

Organizations like the Latino-Hispanic Coalition charge that the bill, which could come up for a vote as early as May, is “racist.”

“Jesus is one of the most popular boy names among Hispanics,” claims Julieta Padilla-Munez. “This would be like banning black people from using the last name Washington.”

Proponents of the landmark legislation insist that it’s about religious freedom, not prejudice.

“We shouldn’t let political correctness cloud this debate,” notes Martinsweld. “Despite what liberal secularists like President Obama may tell you, this country was founded on the principle of religious liberty and Judeo-Christian values.

“To force a Christian schoolteacher to address a child as Jesus every day is a violation of her rights.”

MANY Mexican immigrants name their children Jesus.

The law, which is swiftly gathering support in a state known for strong anti-illegal-alien sentiment, will apply only to undocumented aliens and would be retroactive only to 2008. Angry Hispanics vow to take the battle all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, but recent rulings suggest that illegals have limited constitutional rights.

KIDS like this should be allowed to have any name their parents choose, activists argue.

Immigration lawyer Tom Rockferry has suggested a compromise, which would permit the use of the name if the letter H is substituted for J, forming Hesus.

“Everyone on both sides has to step back and take a deep breath,” he suggests. “The truth is Jesus is only the 47th most popular Latino baby name. Even if this law passes as is, it won’t make a huge change.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a "rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp."

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

WEREWOLF VERSUS VAMPIRE CATFIGHT!   1 comment

PHOTO purportedly of bizarre catfight appeared in a Romanian newspaper.

PHOTO purportedly of bizarre catfight appeared in a Romanian newspaper.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CRAIOVA, Romania — A crowded biker bar erupted into pandemonium when a vicious catfight broke out between a female werewolf and a lady vampire!

The knock-down, drag-out brawl raged for at least 15 minutes, leaving the Red Boar Tavern in shambles, according to a bizarre news item in the May 31 edition of the People’s Daily Journal.

“There was all the kicking, hair-pulling and clothes-ripping you’d see in an ordinary girl fight,” bartender Claudiu Balescu, 45, was quoted as saying in the Romanian newspaper. “But when these two scratched each other, huge chunks of flesh went flying.

“At one point, the werewolf kicked the vampiress in the belly and she sailed 14 feet through the air and into a rack of wine bottles. The feisty little bloodsucker got up like it was nothing, picked up an old oak table that must have weighed 350 pounds and smashed it right over the werewolf’s head.”

The trouble began a little after 1:30 a.m. at the 70-year old Red Boar, a notorious watering hole for biker gangs, drug-dealers, hired killers and other unsavory characters. About 40 patrons were quietly throwing darts and shooting pool.

“This pretty girl with long black hair was chatting up a young hunk,” Balescu said. “She had an odd, old-fashioned way of talking that I hadn’t heard since my lubit bunica (beloved grandmama) was alive. She was close to talking him into going home with her when this taller girl with the tattoo of a full moon on her arm swaggered over and gave the guy a playful little pat on the rear end.

“The first girl took exception to this. She snarls, ‘Back off, b____, this one’s mine.’ ”

“The tall girl gives a not-so-friendly grin and says, ‘Better watch your tone, girlie. You don’t know who you’re messing with.’ And she gives the other girl a shove.”

“The pretty girl opens her mouth and you see she’s got these gigantic white fangs. Quick as a flash, she takes a bite out of the tall girl’s throat and steps back spitting out a mouthful of gristle.”

“We all thought the tall girl was toast. But the next thing you know, thick black hair started sprouting all over her face and arms.”

As the two women flew at each other, the saloon’s tough-guy patrons all dove for cover.

“Big, burly bruisers who toss cops through windows for fun on a regular basis hid under tables and crowded into the ladies room for safety,” Balescu revealed. “Me and all four bouncers took refuge behind the bar.”

The battling babes resorted to every dirty trick in the book to hurt and humiliate each other. At one point the vampiress ripped the werewolf’s skirt off, according to a three-page, blow-by-blow account in the newspaper.

“When the skirt came off you saw that her legs were covered in coarse black fur like a gorilla,” barmaid Narcisa Dalakis, 28, recalled. “I shouted to her, ‘Honey, you’re in serious need of a bikini wax.’ Well, actually I wished I’d said that, but I was afraid I’d get my arm chewed off.”

The fierce females had both been in their share of bar fights before, if the sophisticated techniques they employed are any indication.

“The wolf girl used a pile-driver to knock the wind out of the vampiress, and got her in a Hungarian leg lock,” revealed another eyewitness, loan shark Stephan Ibanescu. “I bet 150 leus [about $50 U.S.] that the blood-drinker would never escape, but I lost. A couple minutes later the vampire executed a roundhouse kick that would have made Chuck Norris green with envy.”

Police arrived on the scene within eight minutes of the first frantic emergency call, but made no attempt to break up the fight for at least another seven, according to eyewitnesses. The officers have come under fire for failing to intervene more swiftly.

“The cops stood around gawking as the she-creatures wrestled on the floor ripping each other’s underwear off and shrieking curses at each other,” claimed Balescu. “I swear to you, one cop pulled up a stool and actually started popping peanuts in his mouth.”

Police Sergeant Wadim Murgu bristled at the suggestion that he and the six officers under his command behaved in anything less than a professional manner.

“If you’ve ever tried to separate two fighting women, you know the risk of injury to oneself,” he told the paper. “Obviously, in this case the danger was even greater. My first duty is to ensure the safety of my men. I wasn’t about to order them to take action until we fully assessed the situation.”

When Sgt. Murgu finally blew his police whistle and ordered the combatants to surrender, both women crashed through the bar’s plate glass window and escaped.

Sturdy oak furniture had been reduced to kindling and scores of bottles of imported alcohol lay shattered. The owner estimates that he suffered 120,000 leus (the equivalent of $40,000 U.S.) in damages. The two-fisted lady monsters left behind few clues as to their identity or whereabouts.

“We recovered an antique ruby bracelet, remnants of a yellow thong panty with a floral pattern, and tuffs of animal hair which have been taken to the police lab for examination,” said Sgt. Murgu.

“The public can rest assured that we are leaving no stone unturned in our effort to identify the culprits and bring them to justice.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES…

PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women's prison.

PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.


*********************************************************************************************************

I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.

The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!

Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!

PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.

PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.


Give the gift of scary fun this Halloween! This author’s new horror novel Hour of the Beast has been hailed by critics as “gripping,” “unique” and “very difficult to put down.” And the eBook is a measly $5. To order Hour of the Beast or hear Chapter One free, click HERE.

NO LAUGHING MATTER: Convention goers like this giant, sinister clown took their dressing up very seriously.

On the Hour of the Beast front…

My three days at Horrorfind Weekend in Gettysburg, PA Sept. 2 thru 4 were fantastic. Sold more books in a single day than at any other event. Got to hang out with fans and belt out “scaryoke” at the local bar. The celebrity guests included Julian Sands from “Warlock,” “True Blood” bar owner Sam Trammell, Dee Wallace of “The Howling” fame and former wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper, who starred in John Carpenter’s paranoid cult classic “They Live.”

One highlight came during the costume contest when a guy decked out as Shaun from “Shaun of the Dead” brandished a cricket bat like the one used to bash zombies in the movie (and autographed by director John Waters, a convention speaker). He used it to whack the booty of obliging MC Dee Wallace.


A COUPLE OF MANLY MEN 2: I was surprised to find I have a couple of inches on legendary tough guy Rowdy Roddy Piper.

DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS:Turns out that many female horror fans -- like this Hour of the Beast reader -- are incredibly hot!

%d bloggers like this: