Archive for the ‘Women bending over’ Tag


Secretary best

BENT ON SUCCESS: To get ahead, a worker must prove she is an asset to the firm.

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW BRUNSWICK, Conn. — All the female employees at a large New England manufacturing firm are suing their boss for sexual harassment — because the lecherous creep makes them work bending over!

Accusers charge that the bizarre office policy of Milton Hamberby, owner of Hamberby Office Products, is “degrading” and reduces them to sex objects.

“This isn’t a matter of keeping some ‘important files’ in a bottom drawer so a boss can leer at a secretary’s derriere,” says feminist attorney Courtney Wakenfall. “This is an official, company-wide policy that affects everyone from the receptionist to the female factory workers on the assembly line.”

Hamberby, a 65-year-old grandfather of eight, angrily rejects the claim and cites studies that show employees are far more productive when they work bent over.

“I’ve been manufacturing ergonomically designed products for the past 35 years — but hey, maybe these women’s lib lawyers know more than me,” he told reporters bitterly.

One long-term worker, who asks that her name not be used, says that when she took the job in 2002 and read about the unconventional policy in the employee handbook, she initially thought it was a joke.

“Then I noticed that every woman in the office was bent over at the waist, whether it was to type at a computer terminal, talk to customers on the phone or lay out advertising materials.”

At first the new hire was a bit uncomfortable abiding by the office policy.

“Mr. Hamberby’s desk is positioned so he can see you wherever you are. It was embarrassing being bent over all the time because he got an eyeful of your caboose. I often had the creepy feeling that he was staring at me — but whenever I glanced back, he’d give this enthusiastic grin and a big thumbs up, like I was doing a good job.

“After a few months I just got used to it and working with my rear end pointing skyward became second nature.”

But for years, women grumbled among themselves about the policy. The straw that broke the camel’s back came last July when the boss loudly chewed out a 22-year-old proofreader in full view of her colleagues, for not bending over “far enough” while checking over ad copy. The humiliated worker was reduced to tears, and by week’s end the women had banded together to file the $8 million suit.

Among the charges in the 11-page lawsuit, it is alleged that the women risk back injury by toiling eight hours a day in the awkward position. Hamberby’s retort is to point out that women who “are over 45, pregnant or obese” are exempt from the rule — as are all males.

To the women’s attorney, that just proves her point.

“This sleazy, unreconstructed male chauvinist pig is interested in only one thing,” Wakenfall says. “That is feasting his eyes on as much young, female backside as humanly possible.”


Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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The Bigger Your Butt, the More Likely You Are to Be Abducted by Aliens, Study Shows   3 comments

Big Butt Alien

HEIGHTNED RISK: Full-figured females have twice the chance of being abducted by aliens.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — It turns out that E.T. and Sir Mix-A-Lot have something in common. They both prefer women with big butts!

Females who sport oversized fannies are twice as likely to be kidnapped by aliens as their flat-bottomed counterparts, an eye-opening six-year study reveals.

“We examined 2,400 women who claimed to have been abducted by extraterrestrials,” says Dr. Anthony Gamoire, co-author of the report. “We found that 66.7 percent of the subjects had larger than average buttocks, compared to 33.3 percent whose rear ends were medium or small.”

In conducting the study, scientists measured the women from head to toe, everything from the diameter of their eyelashes to the length of their femurs. These dimensions were then compared to national averages.

“One other parameter, the width of the left pinky toe, rose above statistical significance, but the correlation between buttock size and abduction was simply astounding,” explains Dr. Gamoire, based in Cambridge, Mass.

While the study does not address males, a similar research project conducted in 1994 demonstrated a link between the length of a man’s neck and his alien-abduction risk.

Ufologists are thrilled that scientists are finally getting to the bottom of the abduction phenomenon, but some women who participated in the study are miffed at the results.

“Being abducted by aliens three years ago was the most traumatic experience of my life,” says 31-year-old Cathy M., of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “Now they’re telling me my butt’s too big?”

Despite the alarming statistics, the expert says that gals with extra junk in their trunks shouldn’t panic.

“Bear in mind, alien abduction is an exceedingly rare phenomenon,” Dr. Gamoire points out. “Even if you have a backside the size of Oprah Winfrey’s, the odds of being taken aboard a flying saucer are an estimated 1 in 4,326,175 — approximately the same as the chance of getting bitten by a rabid chipmunk.

“I would only suggest that well-endowed ladies take common sense precautions, as I’ve advised my own wife to do. If you visit a known UFO hot spot, such as Sedona, Ariz., Bonnybridge, Scotland or Punxsutawney, Pa., avoid wearing clothing that brings undue attention to your ‘assets.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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