LAP-UP-YOUR-BLOOD DANCE ANYONE? Curvaceous Salma Hayek, as stripper Satánico Pandemónium, entertains George Clooney and his drinking buddies, shortly before she turns into blood-slurping monster, in “From Dusk Till Dawn.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
LOS ANGELES — Watch out, fellas – or your next lap dance could be your last. Experts warn that scores of strip clubs are host to bloodthirsty vampire covens!
Researchers say that as many as 74 gentlemen’s clubs nationwide are infested with vampires, many of them entirely staffed by the undead fiends.
“Most exotic dancers are interested only in draining patrons dry of cash,” says researcher Tim Hegelerbaum. “But these creatures are bent on obtaining a more ‘liquid’ asset.”
Vampire strippers have been a Hollywood staple for years, with the industry churning out movies like “Vamp,” (1986) “From Dusk Till Dawn” (1996) and the grade-D sexploitation flick “G-String Vampire” (2006). And experts say that in this case, movie-makers got it right.
“The screenwriters of these films undoubtedly did their share of hands-on research at lap dance emporiums,” explains L.A.-based Hegelerbaum. “But I’m told they diligently explored their subject in the library as well. And they could not have failed to unearth a true-life case that occurred in Philadelphia in 1974.
“Police raided a strip club and discovered seven unoccupied coffins in a back room. When they attempted to arrest the half-naked dancers, a brawl ensued in which several officers were flung about ‘like paper dolls,’ according to a newspaper report. The strippers fled into the night and were never seen again.”
Stripping is a career that fits vampires like a glove, experts explain. The hours are good, with business conducted almost exclusively at night. Pickings are easy; prey can be feasted upon in secluded VIP lounges. And victims have rarely told their wives, girlfriends or employers where they were going.
Here, according to researchers, are 10 warning signs that your favorite topless watering hole is one of these dens of death:
1. You feel “drained” after a visit to the VIP room with one of the busty beauties.
2. Unlike many strippers and prostitutes, none of the dancers wear crucifixes.
3. The club does not have a “day shift” at all, but opens only after sunset.
4. The girl giving you a lap dance displays psychic gifts such as the ability to read minds, perhaps slipping up and addressing you by your real name when you’ve given her a phony one.
5. Seemingly youthful dancers use antiquated slang, for example saying that they fear a raid from “the fuzz’ or even more alarming, “the coppers.”
6. Dancers are extremely aggressive in cajoling you to accompany them to the VIP room – almost as if hungering for the up-close-and-personal contact.
7. Regular patrons appear pale, in fact progressively so over a period of weeks, until they abruptly cease to show up.
8. Dancers wear heavy makeup, either to disguise ultra-white skin before a feeding or a peculiar ruddy complexion after fattening up on human blood.
9. Entire bachelor parties vanish into back rooms with dancers – and never emerge.
10. Although the “good angel” on your shoulder urgently warns you to stay away and you grow weaker after every visit, you feel an irresistible urge to return to the strip joint again and again – as if being drawn to your doom by the more powerful wills of the lethal ladies within.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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A THRILLING GRAPHIC NOVEL
If you were intrigued and entertained by this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his graphic novel about vampires running amok in a women’s prison, Night Cage.
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CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX
If you got a chuckle out of this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel NIGHT CAGE about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
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Read Hour of the Beast.
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