Author Archive

Christian Right’s New Weapon: Blonde Who ‘Flips’ Gay Men.   1 comment

Busty Blonde 2

MYSTERY WOMAN is devout born again Christian.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The Christian right has a potent new superweapon: A 36D-24-36 blonde who can “flip” any gay man in a single encounter!

The mystery woman, identified only as Mary Doe, has converted a whopping 78 homosexuals since January – and she’s just warming up, according to the Moral Family Brigade.

“Gays are running scared. They don’t know where she’s going to strike next, or when,” brags Gavin Laplinksy, the organization’s director. “Even the most hardcore gays – I’m talking about guys who own every Judy Garland movie on DVD – have switched teams after a night with Mary.”

The bodacious bombshell’s face is blurred out in images posted on the outfit’s web site. That’s so when she approaches a gay man at a health club, cooking class or other promising location, he has no way of identifying the threat.

“She’s like a stealth bomber,” Laplinky explains. “They have no idea what hit them until it’s too late.”

Liberace

EVEN a gay man as flamboyant as Liberace isn’t safe.

 

Lionel Huslow, 39, claims the curvaceous crusader for heterosexuality ruined his life.

“Clarence and I were set to finally get married in April,” recalls the Memphis schoolteacher. “Then that woman ‘just happened to’ bump into him at the gourmet food store. They struck up a conversation, she invited him out for coffee and one thing led to another. Clarence didn’t come home that night, and the next morning he came through the door looking like something the cat dragged in, and smelling of perfume. He told me the marriage was off.”

Scant details have been released about the anonymous hottie, other than that she is 26 years old, a devout born-again Christian and employed as a church secretary. But in an interview published in the Moral Family Brigade newsletter, she declared that she is on a holy crusade.

“I was saving myself for marriage until I found out the Lord had given me this gift,” Mary said. “Now this is my ministry.”

The organization has spent a small fortune flying the pious pickup artist from city to city, to do God’s work.

“It’s real nice I’ve gotten to travel, to everywhere from San Francisco to Bangor, Maine,” she said.

Anne Heche 2

JUMPED SHIP: Actress Anne Heche dumped comedienne Ellen and switched to men.

Skeptical experts say it’s almost unheard of for a gay person to change his or her orientation on a dime, with rare exceptions like Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Anne Heche. Dr. Francine Goertz-Ramirez, a researcher who examined Mary Doe on behalf of the family values group, believes the miracle worker has a unique body chemistry.

“My hypothesis is that she emits a rare type of pheromone that makes her sexually irresistible,” the expert revealed. “It’s not simply that she has a pretty face. To be frank, I’d rate her only about an 8.5.” Even Moral Family Brigade leaders – deeply religious churchgoers – find it difficult to keep their hands off Mary, she continued. “Several admitted to me that they committed adultery in their hearts after meeting her, in some cases multiple times in a day.”

LGBT activists are crying foul.

“Look, it’s one thing to fight marriage equality or keep transgender people out of locker rooms,” fumed a spokesperson for Fair Play for Gays. “This is hitting below the belt – literally.”

But the storm cloud hovering over America’s gay males might have a silver lining.

“I noticed that whenever I was in close proximity to Mary, I found myself becoming aroused,” admitted Dr. Goertz-Ramirez. “There’s a very real danger that for every gay man she turns straight, she inadvertently turns one straight woman gay.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY.   Leave a comment

Zombie Sexy Drawingf

DECAYING damsel by artist Tom Wood appears to be hot to trot.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.

“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.

“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”

In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.

“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”

Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.

Walking Dead Hardcore

LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!

 

In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.

“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.

“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”

But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.

“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.

“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”

Zombie sexy

DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.

Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.

“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

World’s Most Bizarre News in New Book!   1 comment

.Bizarre News Cover 5

This blog recently reached a landmark 2 million views. For ages, readers have begged me to collect the best stories in an eBook, and I finally have. Bizarre News is a treasure trove of stories too outrageous for even the tabloids to print — and that CNN wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot poll. Articles that are too steamy, too sacrilegious, too politically incorrect…in short, too damned hot to handle.

As a reporter for the infamous Weekly World News, known best for its coverage of blockbuster stories like Batboy, I wrote some astounding stories, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. The book is available on Amazon Kindle or, in other formats, on Smashwords

Posted April 16, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

How to Tell if You are Being Taken Up in The Rapture or Abducted by a UFO   Leave a comment

 

tHE RAPTURE

ACCORDING to the Bible, in the End Times, a small number of faithful Christians will be beamed up bodily to Heaven.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A tingling sensation runs through your body, a bright beam of light envelops you, and you feel yourself being pulled from the Earth into the sky. You are elated because you’re being taken up in The Rapture … or are you being abducted by a UFO?

It can be maddeningly difficult to distinguish the two experiences — yet it’s critical that you know how, says a top expert.

“You need to know whether to prepare yourself to meet God face to face, or brace yourself for an alien probe,” points out Christian paranormal investigator Herbert W. Leningale.

Here, from the researcher, are eight ways to tell if you’re being beamed up to Heaven or to a flying saucer:

1) MUSIC — Being swept up in the Rapture is likely to be accompanied by angelic music, as the Lord’s heavenly harpists greet the newcomers. In contrast, alien abductees have reported hearing five distinct musical notes, similar to those in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

2) ABILITY TO MOVE – If you feel yourself paralyzed, unable to move however much you struggle, and unable to even scream, chances are you are experiencing an alien abduction. If you are able to happily wave goodbye down to neighbors who’ve been left behind, it’s more likely you are Heaven-bound.

3) COMPLETE NUDITY – Are you in your birthday suit? Experts agree that folks lucky enough to be picked for the Rapture will leave their clothes behind, and will arrive in Heaven naked as the day they were born. Alien abductees remain fully dressed, at least until the E.T.’s commence their scientific exams.

4) NUMBER OF LIGHTS – Squint up into the light you’re traveling toward. Can you make out eight or more separate lights in a circular pattern? Those are probably the landing lights of a flying saucer. Rapture light will be a single, powerful beam.

5) FELLOW TRAVELERS – Glance around to see whether other people are rising in bright beams. It’s expected that 144,000 true believers will be bodily drawn up to Heaven. So unless you live in a town full of sinners and atheists, you’ll have some company on the trip. If you’re flying solo, odds are this is an abduction experience.

6) LOUD NOISES – Listen for the sounds of car crashes in the distance. When the Rapture occurs, the Select will abruptly vanish from their cars, leading to scores of fender benders. During a UFO abduction, you may instead hear military aircraft firing upon the unidentified craft.

7) TEMPERATURE – A pleasurable warmth akin to a hot bath should soothe you on the express route to Heaven. Most alien abductees describe the UFO tractor beam as so chilly they get goosebumps.

8) EMOTIONS – If you’re being taken up in The Rapture, you will be filled with a feeling of ecstasy and well-being. A sense of dread typically accompanies UFO abduction.

aLIEN ABDDUCTION 2

HUNDREDS of people worldwide claim to have been abducted by space aliens.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you may enjoy his critically acclaimed novels such as Hour of the Beast.

beast book no http

SEXY, TERRIFYING: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth

You may also get a kick out of the author’s uncanny impression of Sean Connery as James Bond. He rented a tux for a formal event recently, and just couldn’t resist.

Sean-Connery

Demon Possessed by 15-Year-Old Girl!   1 comment

Demon possessed

THE DEMON Orsinox normally speaks in a deep, masculine voice and resembles this terrifying image found on Feelgraphix wallpaper.

BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!

For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”

“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”

The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.

“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”

At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.

“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”

Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.

The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”

Linda Blair

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!

For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”

Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.

After months of investigation, paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven.

Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.

“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, visit his website.  You’ll find book trailers for his horror novels and thrillers, his 50 greatest stories for the notorious Weekly World News and much more.

HOUDINI_-_FRONT_COVER X_edited-1

In C. Michael Forsyth’s latest thriller, two legendary figures team up to solve a paranormal mystery.

Vampires Easily Killed by Shot to Head, Experts say   Leave a comment

Peter Cushing

PROFESSOR Van Helsing would have racked up a far higher vampire body count if he’d simply stuck with good old-fashioned firepower.

By C. Michael Forsyth

HOUSTON — Next time a vampire attacks you at home, don’t scramble for a crucifix or holy water – just shoot the bloodthirsty fiend in the head! Contrary to popular belief, vampires can be easily killed by ordinary bullets, an expert reveals.

“All the folklore about garlic, wooden stakes, holy water and the like is malarkey cooked up by vampires and spread to confuse the public,” claims vampirologist Kervin Norbosky. “The last thing they want you to do is pull your .44 Magnum from your night stand, or your trusty AR-15 from under the bed and blow them to kingdom come. Their hope is that you waste time searching the pantry for garlic or sharpening a stake in your workshop.”

According to medieval Catholic theologians, vampires are spawned when a body that has, for unknown reasons, failed to decay in a timely manner becomes possessed by the spirit of a demon that requires human blood for nourishment.

“Since the body is that of a person, it can be taken out with a bullet to the brain, just like a zombie or any other one of the 17 other types of revenants,” the Houston-based expert explains.

Indeed, it was the emergence of firearms in the 16th century that first convinced the undead to launch the cunning disinformation campaign.

“Until that time, vampires could depend on their superior strength and speed to avoid death at the hands of peasants armed with pitchforks and torches,” notes Norbosky. “Now they realized there was a very real danger of being hunted down by mobs armed with pistols and muskets.”

At an annual meeting held in Madrid on Oct. 11, 1582, the vampires held a brainstorming session to dream up bogus “weaknesses.” According to the recently discovered diary of British vampire Lord Edgar Hadsworth, the ideas ranged from the offbeat to the ludicrous.

“One member of The Society doth believe that Rumour be circulated that we feareth running water. Another Member proposed rabbits, and a third doth state that the mortals must be Led to believe that we may be killed only by a thump on the knee with a wooden spoon.”

The supposed vulnerabilities have made their way into Hollywood movies, books and TV shows, and are known to virtually everyone on the planet. But if the general public wises up, it could mean curtains for the blood-drinking bad guys – particularly in the United States.

“Americans own roughly 1.3 guns per capita, meaning we’ve got close to 357 million firearms here — contrasted with an estimated 830 vampires,” Norbosky points out. “If they go after vampires loaded for bear, they will be extinct on this continent in a matter of months.

Holy Water

USELESS: The greatest trick vampires ever pulled was convincing the world that holy water, crucifixes, garlic are effective weapons against them.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you were entertained by this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, take a gander at his website, where you’ll find the 50 greatest stories he wrote for the infamous Weekly World News, trailers for his books on Houdini and werewolves, and tons of other fun stuff.

Bat Boy Cover

 

Posted January 10, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

Now People Who DON’T Think They’re Being Watched by the Government are Nuts, Psychiatrists Say.   Leave a comment

 

computer-monitoring-software

FOLKS who don’t recognize they’re under 24-hour govt. surveillance are crazy as bedbugs, shrinks say.

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW YORK — Psychiatrists have identified a bizarre mental disorder that causes people to believe they’re NOT being watched and monitored by the government.

Victims of the syndrome – known as Surveillance Denial Disorder– suffer from the delusion that their emails, Internet searches, texts and phone calls are completely private. And they refuse to acknowledge the hundreds of pubic cameras capturing their every move.

“This goes far beyond normal naivety,” explains Dr. Byron Virolosky, a leading psychiatrist. “It is as if these individuals believe they are invisible to the government. When confronted with concrete evidence that someone is always watching them, they will make irrational statements such as ‘That’s ridiculous, we live in America’ or “This is a free country.’”

Roger H., 45, a fiction writer, first began exhibiting symptoms of the peculiar condition in February 2015.

“The patient’s wife reports that one morning he did a Google search for ‘cross-country skiing,’ and an hour later, noticed that ads for cross-country skis started popping up on his Facebook page. He told her, ‘Wasn’t that an odd coincidence?’ At first she thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.”

Over the succeeding months, the father of two showed increasingly disturbing signs that he couldn’t perceive even the most blatant signs of corporate and government spying.

The straw that broke the camel’s came last August, when the author was researching a spy novel — and conducted an Internet search with the keywords “How Build Dirty Bomb.” His wife asked him if he wasn’t worried that the peculiar search might cause government agents to suspect he was a terrorist.

“Roger looked her with a puzzled expression, and asked, ‘How would anyone know?’” revealed the expert.

That’s when Roger’s wife knew she had to get him the professional help he so desperately needed.

“She realized his behavior was putting himself and the family at risk,” the psychiatric noted. “What if the search had triggered an armed Homeland Security raid on the house?”

Cameras

CAMERAS in public locations help ensure public safety.

Fortunately the mental illness responds to a cocktail of psychiatric drugs, combined with weekly therapy sessions.

“Roger is thinking much more clearly now, he’s returned to reality,” the shrink said.

Exoerts say the condition is similar to pronoia, or reverse-paranoia, in which patients believe everyone in the world is conspiring to make their lives better.

“In both cases, people see the world through rose-colored glasses,” Dr. Virolosky said.

Big bother

MANY years ago, believing you were being watched by government agents was considered a sign of insanity. Now it’s just the reverse!

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy one of his novels, such as The Identity Thief.

IDENTITY_THIEF_-_COVER_-_front

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,068 other followers

%d bloggers like this: