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Activists Set to Trim L from LGBTQ   Leave a comment

LG

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — Activists are struggling to whittle down the unwieldy acronym LGBTQ – and surprisingly, the letter L is most likely to get the ax!

“All lesbians are gay, so the L is redundant,” explains linguist Newton Brishol, who is advising activists. “It’s why we don’t need an H for homosexual. G covers both male and female gay people quite neatly.”

The long and cumbersome acronym is a source of confusion for many Americans. Some, for example, believe the Q stands for “queer,” while others insist it stands for “questioning.”

“It’s obvious the acronym needs to be shortened for clarity’s sake, but it’s hard to get a consensus on where to trim,” says one top leader. “We’re bending over backward to please everyone.”

Some gay women are furious that the L in L word could be headed for the chopping block.

“If any letter is going to get the boot, it should be Q,” fumes feminist author and activist Kandella Fornqusit. “People who are just ‘questioning’ don’t deserve their own letter, I’m sorry. You’re basically handing out a letter that says, ‘Might actually be straight.’”

While most leaders agree the acronym needs pruning, others contend it should actually be lengthened to be more inclusive. Possible additions that have been run up the flagpole include:

A = Asexual — Attracted to neither sex
C = Closeted — Refuses to admit being gay
D = Drunken — Has gay sex after multiple beers
E = Experimented — Had brief gay stint at college
F = Faux Lesbian — Makes out with other girls at clubs to attract attention
G = Genderless — Does not identify with either gender
H = Hustler — Will have gay sex, but only for money. (Others say H should be for Hermaphrodite).
I = Intersex — Born with both male and female genitalia
M = Mistaken for gay — Man who is “too good looking,” hates sports, or speaks with an English accent. (Alternatively, M for Ménage – Wife who will go bi for a three-way on husband’s birthday)
N = Narcissist — Only attracted to self
O = One timer — Tried gay sex once and hated it, like Hugh Hefner
P = Prisoner — Resorts to homosexuality while serving time, AKA “gay for the stay”
R = Really thinks being bisexual sounds cool.
S = Star struck — would engage in same-sex relations with just one celebrity, such as Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt
U = Ugly — Too unattractive to get the chance to sleep with anyone, male or female.
V = Vulnerable — Gay, but could easily be flipped
W = Would make a great lesbian. Shorthaired, athletic, tomboyish, but straight
X = X-rated — Turned on by gay porn but won’t try it

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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NEW SENSITIVITY CLASSES TEACH HOW TO AVOID OFFENDING BIGOTS   Leave a comment

archie-bunker

Archie Bunker of TV’S “All in the Family” was America’s most beloved bigot.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLESTON — Across America, corporations are now bringing in consultants to teach “sensitivity classes” that train liberals to be more tolerant of bigots.

“When a left-leaning employee calls a coworker ‘racist’ or ‘sexist,’ that’s incredibly hurtful,” explains Cindy Haltcress, whose firm conducts Political Diversity Training seminars throughout the southeast. “You risk creating a hostile work environment, something our clients naturally want to avoid. You should never use the term bigoted, for example. The preferred term is ‘tolerance challenged.’

“Or course, we’re not saying you have to laugh when someone tells an anti-Muslim joke, but certainly you should smile. You never want a coworker to feel judged or marginalized.”

Companies typically shell out between $1,500 and $3,500 for half-day sessions, but weekend retreats can set them back as much as $26,000.

Here, from the expert, are eight terms to steer clear of, and less-offensive alternatives:

Racist = “Not really into the whole multicultural thing”
Sexist = “Sees gender roles traditionally”
Homophobic = “Likes a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman”
Anti-Muslim = “Pro-Christian”
Anti-semitic = “Not fond of those New Yorker types.”
Xenophobic = “Puts America first”
Prejudiced = “Has an old-fashioned world view”
Transphobic = “Doesn’t get that Bruce Jenner stuff”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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New Conan Doyle/Houdini Audiobook   Leave a comment

Arthur AudiobookThe audiobook edition of my novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House is now on sale on Amazon and iTunes. Narrating the book was a delightful experience, but extraordinarily challenging. I had to draw upon my gift for mimicry to pull of Conan Doyle’s Scottish brogue, as well as Cockney and Southern accents.

It helped that I’ve been imitating Sean Connery for years, and can nail him pretty well, as I do in this James Bond spoof. If you check it out, don’t laugh so hard you forget to return to this page and follow the link to the free sample of the audiobook.

In the novel, the creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest escape artist team up to solve a paranormal mystery.The Sherlock Holmes Society of London hails it as “an adventure story with depth, full of atmosphere, suspense, ingenuity.”

PUTIN ROUNDING UP CHERNOBYL MUTANTS   Leave a comment

Mutant Rebecca

With an elite corps of mutants like Mystique of the X-Men, Russian leader Putin could rule the world.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!

Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.

“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”

Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.

“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities.
“We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”

Mutant Deer

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: Six-legged deer is one of many animal mutants spawned by radioactive fallout from Chernobyl.

 

The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.

Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.

“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”

Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.

Mutant Boy

TRAGIC:  This boy’s mom was exposed to Chernobyl radiation, resulting in a harmful genetic mutation.

 

“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.

“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”

However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on

“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”

 

Mutant Putin better

RUTHLESS Russian ruler Vladimir Putin is bent on world domination — and may be out of his mind, U.S. intelligence officials fear.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Exorcist Rids Cursed Panties of Evil Spirit   Leave a comment

Panties peril JPEG

PANTIES  OF PERIL have been rendered harmless.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

BOSTON — A titanic four-day battle between good and evil reached a dramatic climax when a plucky 82-year-old exorcist drove out the evil spirit that possessed the deadly Panties of Peril.

“Father O’Leary struggled to hold the cursed underwear down in a bathtub full of Holy Water, and he shouted, ‘Return to the evil pit that bore you, I command thee in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,’” says shaken eyewitness Laurence Wiskerbloom. “The water bubbled, turning boiling hot, then this hideous black cloud of smoke shot out of the tub and disappeared through the window.’”

The hero priest, Father Kirklan O’Leary, was bruised, battered and exhausted after ridding the notorious undies of the demonic entity. Expected to make a full recovery, he takes no credit for his victory.

“It was the power of the Almighty, working through me, that defeated the tool of Satan,” he said modestly in a phone interview from his hospital bed.

The Panties of Peril had been labeled the world’s most dangerous paranormal object by psychic investigators. Since 2010, they have been implicated in the deaths of at least 12 people, including eight women and one transvestite who made the fatal mistake of putting them on. Five previous attempts had been made to exorcize the lethal lingerie, all ending in disaster.

“Three of the exorcists — an evangelical minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo master — perished in the attempt,” confirms Dan Greavesby, an investigator from the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research. “The legendary demon hunter Rev. Jim Bookley — renowned as ‘The World’s Toughest Exorcist — went stark raving mad and is now in an institution. And the last Catholic priest to take on the panties vanished without a trace.”

The mysterious saga of the uncanny undies has perplexed and intrigued researchers the world over. The victims all died in bizarre “freak accidents,” as reported here. Although ordinary in appearance, the pink cotton panties have a dark and tragic past. Investigators traced them to a sweatshop in the Philippines that collapsed due to lax enforcement of safety regulations.

“Over 90 workers were killed, including one named Isagani Ocampo who was a practitioner of Kulam, a sinister local form of black magic,” explains Greavesby. “We believe that it is his vengeful spirit that possessed the panties.”

As the panties passed from owner to owner, they racked up an increasingly alarming body count, and were eventually turned over to the Institute for safe keeping. Just months later they were stolen from a titanium vault, and dropped out of sight.

Wealthy businessman Wiskerbloom bought the underwear at auction for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult.

“I didn’t believe the panties held any special powers, I was just humoring Bethany,” Wiskerbloom recalls. “When she tried to harness the panties’ energy in a ceremony, in a circle of candles, her robes caught fire and she burned to death. I knew from that moment that it was my responsibility to see that the monstrous evil in those panties was destroyed forever–even if it meant spending my entire fortune and devoting the rest of my life to it.”

1973, THE EXORCIST

Priests have their hands full with possessed teen in “The Exorcist” (1972)

 

Father O’Leary, a respected former exorcist trained at the Vatican, came out of retirement in his native Dublin only after Wiskerbloom wrote him repeatedly pleading for his assistance. The clergyman carried out the grim ritual in a guest bathroom of the millionaire’s mansion. He admits that for a while, it was touch and go.

“Every time I touched the panties, I felt an unpleasant sensation like an electric shock shoot through my body,” Father O’Leary says. “On the fourth day, I began to hear a snide voice inside my head, taunting me — even making crude sexual remarks about my sainted mother, God bless her soul.

“I summoned the strength to fight back, telling the possessed undergarment, ‘Well, you’re nothing but a cheap, flimsy pair of shite-stained granny panties!’”

Researchers have confirmed that the once-dreaded drawers are now harmless, measuring zero on a high-tech EMF meter that measures psychic energy. Their ultimate fate is now up in the air.

“Mr. Wiskerbloom wanted them shredded and burned, understandably,” Greavesby says. “I would like to see them on display in the Institute’s museum of cursed objects. But right now the Catholic Church has possession of them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they end up in that vast repository in Vatican along with so many other objects such as the Pitchfork of Lucifer — never to see the light of day again.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this remarkable tale by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Posted May 20, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

90% of Great Pyramid is Below Surface, Scan Shows   Leave a comment

Pyramid as iceberg

Artist’s Conception Shows Newly Discovered Section of Great Pyramid.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAIRO – The Great Pyramid of Giza is like an iceberg: only about 1/10th of it is visible above the surface – the rest is buried below the sand!

That is the astounding claim of a renegade archaeologist who says the discovery was made early in 2013, but Egypt’s ruling military junta has kept it secret from the world for unknown reasons.

“The Great Pyramid stands approximately 455 feet, but below the surface, the structure extends more than 1,000 feet deep,” claims Dr. Abdul Sulieman Khatani, who says he is former Assistant Director of Antiquities.

“We detected the previously unknown cavity using a combination of cutting-edge technologies including infrared thermography, muon radiography, and 3-D reconstruction. We have no idea what is in this enormous section of the pyramid. It’s baffling. We do know that the effort needed to remove that many million metric tons of sand was beyond monumental. The Great Pyramid is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, but now that we understand the almost incomprehensible scale of the project, it becomes something far, far more than that.”

Khatani says he served under former president Mohammed Morsi, who was deposed in a military coup in 2013 – just weeks after the discovery. The new government seized all evidence of the amazing find and threatened to jail any scientist involved in the project who dared to go public, according to Khatani.

“They didn’t tell us why they were shutting us down,” the expatriate scientist told a Dutch science magazine. “Presumably they believe there is something down there of tremendous importance.”

Pyramid Giza

The Great Pyramid of Giza is one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Egyptologists believe The Great Pyramid was built as a tomb for fourth dynasty pharaoh Khufu around 2560 BC. However, it’s a mystery how the massive monument was constructed. Experts disagree about whether the huge stones were dragged, lifted, rolled or even “teleported” into place. The engineering is so advanced — at a time when some wooly mammoths still roamed the earth — that some have suggested it is the handiwork of extraterrestrials.

“Most of us viewed the alien theory as silly in the past, but the discovery of this vast, mysterious chamber makes it seem not quite so ridiculous,” Khatani observed. “One of my colleagues suggested that it could contain a secret ‘workshop’ housing alien machinery. Another theorized that it could be a bunker for the Egyptian royal family, and that they and possibly hundreds of their followers lived there in a ‘hidden civilization’ for years, perhaps even centuries after the dynasty fell.”

Iceberg-1024x767

The vast majority of an iceberg lies underwater, unseen.

Experts are highly skeptical about the scientist’s claims.

“It sounds totally outlandish,” says British archaeologist Lester K. Pinson. “Forgive me, but this Dr. Khatani seems to be a crank. Are we even quite certain he is who claims?”

Yet, there is no doubt that much remains unknown about the ancient monument. In 1993, German engineer Rudolf Gantenbrink used a crawler robot to explore the Queen’s Chamber and discovered a mysterious limestone door. Nine years later, scientists from National Geographic Society drilled a small hole in the door, only to find another door behind it. In 2011, scientists poked a fiber-optic “micro-snake camera” that could see around corners through the hole. They discovered a strange, small room with undecipherable hieroglyphs written in red paint.

Easter Island heads

Experts were surprised to find bodies buried below the Easter Island heads.

The startling discovery that the giant Easter Island heads actually have bodies also lends some credence to the findings of Dr. Khatani’s team, as does the fact that the ruins of an extensive complex were recently found beneath the meadows surrounding Stonehenge.

 

After the military removed President Morsi, who was backed by the controversial Muslim Brotherhood, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, head of the Egyptian Armed Forces, emerged as leader. A spokesman for the new government refused to either confirm or deny the archaeologist’s assertions, and even refused to verify that Khatini ever held a position in the previous regime.

It’s frustrating that the government refuses to cooperate,” says American Egyptologist Howard Brigland. “If Dr. Khatani’s claims are borne out, this is the most important archaeological discovery in more than 100 years – perhaps ever. It is imperative that we learn what is in that cavity.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this little confection by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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N.C. May Use Force Field to Keep Out Illegal Aliens and Transgenders.   Leave a comment

Force field Fantastic Four

Force fields are a staple of Hollywood movies like “The Fantastic Four.”

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

RALEIGH, N.C. — Donald Trump may not have to build that giant wall between the U.S. and Mexico after all. A maverick North Carolina scientist has designed a 300-foot-high force field to keep illegal aliens out.

“I call it the Freedom Wall,” declared Emmett Houseleg, a self-described amateur quantum physicist and inventor. “It will be invisible, keeping the majestic landscape at our southern border unblemished, but it will present an impassable barrier no illegal alien can penetrate.”

He also envisions his invention being used on a far smaller scale to protect individual buildings and even specific rooms.

“A force field could block transgenders from entering the wrong restroom, for example,” notes the scientist, whose other inventions include a solar-powered toaster oven.

Houseleg claims he has a working prototype of the force field set up around the dog house in his backyard. He refuses to divulge specifics of how it works, except to fellow scientists. But he did reveal that it draws upon the latest breakthroughs in plasma shield technology.

“In layman’s terms, my force field is a wall of superheated, ionized gas compressed by magnetic fields until it’s so dense that nothing can pass through it — not even air molecules,” he explained.

Force fields have been a staple of science fiction since Star Trek and Lost in Space first aired on TV. Yet while the real-life nutty professor’s claims might sound outlandish, experts confirm that such technology is indeed within our reach.

Famed physicist Michio Kaku demonstrated in his book Physics of the Impossible that force fields are theoretically feasible. And Boeing recently patented a force field it’s developing for military vehicles, using plasma to deflect shockwaves from explosions. The shield is dubbed a “shockwave attenuation via electromagnetic arc.”

“The system creates a shell of ionized air — a plasma field — between an oncoming blast and the tank or Humvee,” explains science writer Jock Breakgrund.

He is skeptical, however, about the proposed Freedom Wall.

“Even if it such a device could be put in place, it would consume a staggering amount of energy,” he points out. “The cost to maintain it would be prohibitive.”

Nevertheless, North Carolina lawmakers are intrigued by news of the invention and want to hear more.

“Imagine if our state had something like this during the Civil War,” one observed. “We would have been able to keep the Yankees out and slaves in.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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