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Exorcist Rids Cursed Panties of Evil Spirit   Leave a comment

Panties peril JPEG

PANTIES  OF PERIL have been rendered harmless.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

BOSTON — A titanic four-day battle between good and evil reached a dramatic climax when a plucky 82-year-old exorcist drove out the evil spirit that possessed the deadly Panties of Peril.

“Father O’Leary struggled to hold the cursed underwear down in a bathtub full of Holy Water, and he shouted, ‘Return to the evil pit that bore you, I command thee in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,’” says shaken eyewitness Laurence Wiskerbloom. “The water bubbled, turning boiling hot, then this hideous black cloud of smoke shot out of the tub and disappeared through the window.’”

The hero priest, Father Kirklan O’Leary, was bruised, battered and exhausted after ridding the notorious undies of the demonic entity. Expected to make a full recovery, he takes no credit for his victory.

“It was the power of the Almighty, working through me, that defeated the tool of Satan,” he said modestly in a phone interview from his hospital bed.

The Panties of Peril had been labeled the world’s most dangerous paranormal object by psychic investigators. Since 2010, they have been implicated in the deaths of at least 12 people, including eight women and one transvestite who made the fatal mistake of putting them on. Five previous attempts had been made to exorcize the lethal lingerie, all ending in disaster.

“Three of the exorcists — an evangelical minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo master — perished in the attempt,” confirms Dan Greavesby, an investigator from the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research. “The legendary demon hunter Rev. Jim Bookley — renowned as ‘The World’s Toughest Exorcist — went stark raving mad and is now in an institution. And the last Catholic priest to take on the panties vanished without a trace.”

The mysterious saga of the uncanny undies has perplexed and intrigued researchers the world over. The victims all died in bizarre “freak accidents,” as reported here. Although ordinary in appearance, the pink cotton panties have a dark and tragic past. Investigators traced them to a sweatshop in the Philippines that collapsed due to lax enforcement of safety regulations.

“Over 90 workers were killed, including one named Isagani Ocampo who was a practitioner of Kulam, a sinister local form of black magic,” explains Greavesby. “We believe that it is his vengeful spirit that possessed the panties.”

As the panties passed from owner to owner, they racked up an increasingly alarming body count, and were eventually turned over to the Institute for safe keeping. Just months later they were stolen from a titanium vault, and dropped out of sight.

Wealthy businessman Wiskerbloom bought the underwear at auction for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult.

“I didn’t believe the panties held any special powers, I was just humoring Bethany,” Wiskerbloom recalls. “When she tried to harness the panties’ energy in a ceremony, in a circle of candles, her robes caught fire and she burned to death. I knew from that moment that it was my responsibility to see that the monstrous evil in those panties was destroyed forever–even if it meant spending my entire fortune and devoting the rest of my life to it.”

1973, THE EXORCIST

Priests have their hands full with possessed teen in “The Exorcist” (1972)

 

Father O’Leary, a respected former exorcist trained at the Vatican, came out of retirement in his native Dublin only after Wiskerbloom wrote him repeatedly pleading for his assistance. The clergyman carried out the grim ritual in a guest bathroom of the millionaire’s mansion. He admits that for a while, it was touch and go.

“Every time I touched the panties, I felt an unpleasant sensation like an electric shock shoot through my body,” Father O’Leary says. “On the fourth day, I began to hear a snide voice inside my head, taunting me — even making crude sexual remarks about my sainted mother, God bless her soul.

“I summoned the strength to fight back, telling the possessed undergarment, ‘Well, you’re nothing but a cheap, flimsy pair of shite-stained granny panties!’”

Researchers have confirmed that the once-dreaded drawers are now harmless, measuring zero on a high-tech EMF meter that measures psychic energy. Their ultimate fate is now up in the air.

“Mr. Wiskerbloom wanted them shredded and burned, understandably,” Greavesby says. “I would like to see them on display in the Institute’s museum of cursed objects. But right now the Catholic Church has possession of them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they end up in that vast repository in Vatican along with so many other objects such as the Pitchfork of Lucifer — never to see the light of day again.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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Posted May 20, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

90% of Great Pyramid is Below Surface, Scan Shows   Leave a comment

Pyramid as iceberg

Artist’s Conception Shows Newly Discovered Section of Great Pyramid.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CAIRO – The Great Pyramid of Giza is like an iceberg: only about 1/10th of it is visible above the surface – the rest is buried below the sand!

That is the astounding claim of a renegade archaeologist who says the discovery was made early in 2013, but Egypt’s ruling military junta has kept it secret from the world for unknown reasons.

“The Great Pyramid stands approximately 455 feet, but below the surface, the structure extends more than 1,000 feet deep,” claims Dr. Abdul Sulieman Khatani, who says he is former Assistant Director of Antiquities.

“We detected the previously unknown cavity using a combination of cutting-edge technologies including infrared thermography, muon radiography, and 3-D reconstruction. We have no idea what is in this enormous section of the pyramid. It’s baffling. We do know that the effort needed to remove that many million metric tons of sand was beyond monumental. The Great Pyramid is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, but now that we understand the almost incomprehensible scale of the project, it becomes something far, far more than that.”

Khatani says he served under former president Mohammed Morsi, who was deposed in a military coup in 2013 – just weeks after the discovery. The new government seized all evidence of the amazing find and threatened to jail any scientist involved in the project who dared to go public, according to Khatani.

“They didn’t tell us why they were shutting us down,” the expatriate scientist told a Dutch science magazine. “Presumably they believe there is something down there of tremendous importance.”

Pyramid Giza

The Great Pyramid of Giza is one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Egyptologists believe The Great Pyramid was built as a tomb for fourth dynasty pharaoh Khufu around 2560 BC. However, it’s a mystery how the massive monument was constructed. Experts disagree about whether the huge stones were dragged, lifted, rolled or even “teleported” into place. The engineering is so advanced — at a time when some wooly mammoths still roamed the earth — that some have suggested it is the handiwork of extraterrestrials.

“Most of us viewed the alien theory as silly in the past, but the discovery of this vast, mysterious chamber makes it seem not quite so ridiculous,” Khatani observed. “One of my colleagues suggested that it could contain a secret ‘workshop’ housing alien machinery. Another theorized that it could be a bunker for the Egyptian royal family, and that they and possibly hundreds of their followers lived there in a ‘hidden civilization’ for years, perhaps even centuries after the dynasty fell.”

Iceberg-1024x767

The vast majority of an iceberg lies underwater, unseen.

Experts are highly skeptical about the scientist’s claims.

“It sounds totally outlandish,” says British archaeologist Lester K. Pinson. “Forgive me, but this Dr. Khatani seems to be a crank. Are we even quite certain he is who claims?”

Yet, there is no doubt that much remains unknown about the ancient monument. In 1993, German engineer Rudolf Gantenbrink used a crawler robot to explore the Queen’s Chamber and discovered a mysterious limestone door. Nine years later, scientists from National Geographic Society drilled a small hole in the door, only to find another door behind it. In 2011, scientists poked a fiber-optic “micro-snake camera” that could see around corners through the hole. They discovered a strange, small room with undecipherable hieroglyphs written in red paint.

Easter Island heads

Experts were surprised to find bodies buried below the Easter Island heads.

The startling discovery that the giant Easter Island heads actually have bodies also lends some credence to the findings of Dr. Khatani’s team, as does the fact that the ruins of an extensive complex were recently found beneath the meadows surrounding Stonehenge.

 

After the military removed President Morsi, who was backed by the controversial Muslim Brotherhood, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, head of the Egyptian Armed Forces, emerged as leader. A spokesman for the new government refused to either confirm or deny the archaeologist’s assertions, and even refused to verify that Khatini ever held a position in the previous regime.

“It’s frustrating that the government refuses to cooperate,” says American Egyptologist Howard Brigland. “If Dr. Khatani’s claims are borne out, this is the most important archaeological discovery in more than 100 years – perhaps ever. It is imperative that we learn what is in that cavity.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this little confection by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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N.C. May Use Force Field to Keep Out Illegal Aliens and Transgenders.   Leave a comment

Force field Fantastic Four

Force fields are a staple of Hollywood movies like “The Fantastic Four.”

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

RALEIGH, N.C. — Donald Trump may not have to build that giant wall between the U.S. and Mexico after all. A maverick North Carolina scientist has designed a 300-foot-high force field to keep illegal aliens out.

“I call it the Freedom Wall,” declared Emmett Houseleg, a self-described amateur quantum physicist and inventor. “It will be invisible, keeping the majestic landscape at our southern border unblemished, but it will present an impassable barrier no illegal alien can penetrate.”

He also envisions his invention being used on a far smaller scale to protect individual buildings and even specific rooms.

“A force field could block transgenders from entering the wrong restroom, for example,” notes the scientist, whose other inventions include a solar-powered toaster oven.

Houseleg claims he has a working prototype of the force field set up around the dog house in his backyard. He refuses to divulge specifics of how it works, except to fellow scientists. But he did reveal that it draws upon the latest breakthroughs in plasma shield technology.

“In layman’s terms, my force field is a wall of superheated, ionized gas compressed by magnetic fields until it’s so dense that nothing can pass through it — not even air molecules,” he explained.

Force fields have been a staple of science fiction since Star Trek and Lost in Space first aired on TV. Yet while the real-life nutty professor’s claims might sound outlandish, experts confirm that such technology is indeed within our reach.

Famed physicist Michio Kaku demonstrated in his book Physics of the Impossible that force fields are theoretically feasible. And Boeing recently patented a force field it’s developing for military vehicles, using plasma to deflect shockwaves from explosions. The shield is dubbed a “shockwave attenuation via electromagnetic arc.”

“The system creates a shell of ionized air — a plasma field — between an oncoming blast and the tank or Humvee,” explains science writer Jock Breakgrund.

He is skeptical, however, about the proposed Freedom Wall.

“Even if it such a device could be put in place, it would consume a staggering amount of energy,” he points out. “The cost to maintain it would be prohibitive.”

Nevertheless, North Carolina lawmakers are intrigued by news of the invention and want to hear more.

“Imagine if our state had something like this during the Civil War,” one observed. “We would have been able to keep the Yankees out and slaves in.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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CALIFORNIA TEEN IDENTIFIES AS MERMAID.   Leave a comment

Splash

GORGEOUS Daryl Hannah played a mermaid in the 1984 movie Splash.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

MALIBU — Cheyenne Potensky, 19, is set to undergo a $300,000 procedure in which doctors will fuse her legs together and permanently attach a prosthetic fish tail — to turn her into a real life mermaid.

And although the pretty teen won’t go through the painful series of operations until next year, she already considers herself a mermaid — and is demanding that her birth certificate be changed to say so.

“Being a mermaid isn’t about having a tail. It’s about your spirit,” she explains. “In the movie The Little Mermaid, the Sea Witch Ursula puts a spell on Ariel so she can walk on land, but she’s still a mermaid, legs or no legs.”

Cheyenne has been cruelly dubbed a “mermaid wannabe” by some in the local press, which upsets and infuriates her.

“This one reporter wrote that I can’t even swim, but that’s not true. I can’t swim underwater. And that’s only because I have trouble holding my breath. I’m taking lessons and by the time I transition, I know I’ll be able to stay under at least a minute, which is more than most people.”

feet water

CHEYENNE still sports human legs — for now.

 

Experts are divided over whether or not Cheyenne should be categorized as a “real” mermaid.

“There’s more to being a mermaid than simply having a fish tail,” points out folklorist James K. Youdway. “In legends, the sea creatures have their own language and traditions. Unless Miss Potensky sits on a rock and lures sailors to their doom by her seductive singing, I’m not sure she should be considered a true mermaid.”

Marine biologist Dr. Sandy Paetel disagrees. “If she has a fish tail and spends all her time in the water, she is for all intents and purposes a mermaid,” she says. “It’s like those living people who are obsessed with drinking human blood. Even though they have no supernatural powers, they’re by definition vampires.”

George “Rusty” Bimmit, a 69-year-old local fisherman and neighbor, scoffs at the notion that Cheyenne is a mermaid, and stubbornly refuses to call her one.

“If Bubbles the Chimp falls in the ocean, that doesn’t make him a sea monkey,” the ornery oldster argues. “I’ll consider that nutcase a mermaid when she not only has a scaly tail, she also has gills.”

Cheyenne calls that kind of talk plain ignorant.

“That just proves Rusty’s total lack of understanding,” she insists. “Mermaids don’t have gills. They come up for air just like dolphins, because they’re mammals. Or didn’t he notice what’s under Ariel’s seashell bra?”

Little m

MERMAIDS like Ariel are mammals, Cheyenne claims.

 

The waitress, who plans to sell a family home she inherited to pay for the surgery, says she’s been obsessed with mermaids ever since she saw the movie
Splash at age 6. Her parents had to spend a small fortune on mermaid toys, lunch boxes and wallpaper, and she went trick-o’-treating in a mermaid costume every Halloween.

“I came out as a mermaid in 2009,” she reveals. “It took my parents a long time to accept it, but thankfully they did, just a few months before they died in a tandem parasailing accident.”

If Cheyenne goes through with the complex procedure docs call mermaidoplasty, she’ll be one of only six people in the world who’ve done so, most recently a 32-year-old “merman” in Thailand.

In addition, numerous performers wear removable mermaid tails as costumes. Perhaps the most famous is a Florida woman born Melissa Dawn, who legally changed her name to Mermaid Melissa and performs at aquariums, corporate events, and poolside parties, sporting a 60-pound artificial tail.

Fiji Mermaid

The famous Fiji Mermaid was first put on display in 1822.

 

Most marine biologists consider mermaids mythical creatures — despite myriad “mermaid skeletons” that have been put on display in museums and sideshows worldwide after supposedly washing ashore. However, there is a rare birth defect known as Mermaid Syndrome in which the legs are fused together, giving them the appearance of a mermaid’s tail. This condition, also called Sirenomelia, occurs in roughly one out of every 100,000 live births.

“Tragically, most die in infancy,” says Dr. Paetel. “Otherwise, that would mean each year about 130 of such ‘mermaids’ would be born, and if they were trained to swim, in 25 years we’d have enough to populate the Indian Ocean.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Christian Right’s New Weapon: Blonde Who ‘Flips’ Gay Men.   1 comment

Busty Blonde 2

MYSTERY WOMAN is devout born again Christian.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The Christian right has a potent new superweapon: A 36D-24-36 blonde who can “flip” any gay man in a single encounter!

The mystery woman, identified only as Mary Doe, has converted a whopping 78 homosexuals since January – and she’s just warming up, according to the Moral Family Brigade.

“Gays are running scared. They don’t know where she’s going to strike next, or when,” brags Gavin Laplinksy, the organization’s director. “Even the most hardcore gays – I’m talking about guys who own every Judy Garland movie on DVD – have switched teams after a night with Mary.”

The bodacious bombshell’s face is blurred out in images posted on the outfit’s web site. That’s so when she approaches a gay man at a health club, cooking class or other promising location, he has no way of identifying the threat.

“She’s like a stealth bomber,” Laplinky explains. “They have no idea what hit them until it’s too late.”

Liberace

EVEN a gay man as flamboyant as Liberace isn’t safe.

 

Lionel Huslow, 39, claims the curvaceous crusader for heterosexuality ruined his life.

“Clarence and I were set to finally get married in April,” recalls the Memphis schoolteacher. “Then that woman ‘just happened to’ bump into him at the gourmet food store. They struck up a conversation, she invited him out for coffee and one thing led to another. Clarence didn’t come home that night, and the next morning he came through the door looking like something the cat dragged in, and smelling of perfume. He told me the marriage was off.”

Scant details have been released about the anonymous hottie, other than that she is 26 years old, a devout born-again Christian and employed as a church secretary. But in an interview published in the Moral Family Brigade newsletter, she declared that she is on a holy crusade.

“I was saving myself for marriage until I found out the Lord had given me this gift,” Mary said. “Now this is my ministry.”

The organization has spent a small fortune flying the pious pickup artist from city to city, to do God’s work.

“It’s real nice I’ve gotten to travel, to everywhere from San Francisco to Bangor, Maine,” she said.

Anne Heche 2

JUMPED SHIP: Actress Anne Heche dumped comedienne Ellen and switched to men.

Skeptical experts say it’s almost unheard of for a gay person to change his or her orientation on a dime, with rare exceptions like Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Anne Heche. Dr. Francine Goertz-Ramirez, a researcher who examined Mary Doe on behalf of the family values group, believes the miracle worker has a unique body chemistry.

“My hypothesis is that she emits a rare type of pheromone that makes her sexually irresistible,” the expert revealed. “It’s not simply that she has a pretty face. To be frank, I’d rate her only about an 8.5.” Even Moral Family Brigade leaders – deeply religious churchgoers – find it difficult to keep their hands off Mary, she continued. “Several admitted to me that they committed adultery in their hearts after meeting her, in some cases multiple times in a day.”

LGBT activists are crying foul.

“Look, it’s one thing to fight marriage equality or keep transgender people out of locker rooms,” fumed a spokesperson for Fair Play for Gays. “This is hitting below the belt – literally.”

But the storm cloud hovering over America’s gay males might have a silver lining.

“I noticed that whenever I was in close proximity to Mary, I found myself becoming aroused,” admitted Dr. Goertz-Ramirez. “There’s a very real danger that for every gay man she turns straight, she inadvertently turns one straight woman gay.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY.   Leave a comment

Zombie Sexy Drawingf

DECAYING damsel by artist Tom Wood appears to be hot to trot.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.

“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.

“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”

In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.

“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”

Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.

Walking Dead Hardcore

LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!

 

In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.

“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.

“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”

But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.

“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.

“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”

Zombie sexy

DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.

Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.

“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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World’s Most Bizarre News in New Book!   1 comment

.Bizarre News Cover 5

This blog recently reached a landmark 2 million views. For ages, readers have begged me to collect the best stories in an eBook, and I finally have. Bizarre News is a treasure trove of stories too outrageous for even the tabloids to print — and that CNN wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot poll. Articles that are too steamy, too sacrilegious, too politically incorrect…in short, too damned hot to handle.

As a reporter for the infamous Weekly World News, known best for its coverage of blockbuster stories like Batboy, I wrote some astounding stories, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. The book is available on Amazon Kindle or, in other formats, on Smashwords

Posted April 16, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

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