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God Strikes Man Dead — For Texting in Church!   Leave a comment

Lightning Strikes Oak TreeBy C. Michael Forsyth

GREENVILLE, SC. — Connor Prenkwood learned the hard way that texting in church is a sin, when a lightning bolt burst through the roof and incinerated him in his pew!

The preacher, who was midway through his sermon when the bizarre tragedy occurred, is convinced that God punished the 26-year-old computer programmer.

“This is the Lord’s house, you can’t show that kind of disrespect,” declared the Reverend Jim Towsled of Garden of Gethsemane Methodist Church. “I warned the young folks in the congregation to put those cellphones away, but Connor just ignored me. When that streak of lightning tore through the ceiling and made a beeline for him, I knew that was the wrath of the Almighty at work.”

Firefighters called to the scene found a pile of smoking ashes where Connor had been sitting. Oddly enough, there was only minor charring on the wooden pew and except for a fist-sized hole in the roof, the rest of the 80-year-old building was undamaged. Even more surprising, the victim’s Samsung Galaxy S7 was unscathed and is still operable.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 14 years on the job,” said baffled fireman Claude Artess. “The Galaxy S7 tends to catch fire even without being struck by lightning.”

ashes edited

VICTIM CONNOR Prenkwood was reduced to ashes by lightning strike.

Connor’s big sister Crystal says she dragged her brother to church that day, an act she now regrets.

“If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let him stay home gaming like he wanted,” she said. “During the service, I whispered to him that he ought to turn off his phone, but he was arguing with his girlfriend Trish and he kept saying he’d be done in a minute. Then he got mad because someone else started texting him.”

Intriguingly, Connor’s final text messages suggest he might have received a warning from a higher authority than the minister. The phone carrier has confirmed that the following was the last exchange.

CONNOR: No Trish YOU’RE lame!
TRISH: Whatever
UNKNOWN CALLER: Stop texting.
CONNOR: Who is this?
UNKNOWN CALLER: I am that I am.
CONNOR: Buzz off retard
UNKNOWN CALLER: I command thee to turn off thy phone.
CONNOR: Or what?

Galaxy

RARE case in which Galazy S7 cellphone is NOT responsible for a blaze.

This is far from the first case of a person being fried to a crisp by lightning in church. Experts say there have been at least 125 such tragedies in the U.S. alone, dating as far back as 1640, when accused witch Charity Dunforth was struck down just as she crossed the threshold of a Puritan church. In 1993, a Pentecostal minister in Alabama vehemently denied accusations of adultery, declaring from the pulpit “If I’m lying, may God strike me dead.” The ensuing lightning blast carried him 30 feet and he succumbed to cardiac arrest. Just last year, Scotty Rosier, 45, died from injuries sustained when he was struck by lightning at Heart of Worship Church in Pineville, La.

Church 2

South Carolina church suffered only minor damage.

Heartbroken Crystal, 31, admits her kid brother “wasn’t perfect,” but feels the Lord’s punishment was too harsh.

“It’s not like Connor was surfing for porn,” she said. “Isn’t the Almighty supposed to be a God of Love?”

But Bible scholar Elton Jeminson, who has written extensively about divine vengeance, wasn’t surprised to hear of the smiting.

“Let’s not forget, the God of the Old Testament was a real badass,” he observed. “No matter how fancy technology gets, the Lord will go old school in a heartbeat when he feels He’s been disrespected.”

God angry

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY: The Lord demands that worshippers give Him their undivided attention — or else.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

After Trump’s Election, Other Stock Villains are Entering Politics   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

Donald Trump won the presidency in an Electoral College landslide — even though he’s the classic Rich Selfish Loudmouth stereotype we’ve seen in countless movies. Now, scores of other stock-movie-villain types are lining up to run for political office – and they’re being eagerly courted by both political parties.

“Voters have always been most comfortable with easily recognized types,” explained campaign strategist Hallie Boylkin. “In the past, we tried to run candidates who were squeaky-clean, square-jawed hero types. But today the ideal candidate looks less like Robert Redford and more like Boris Karloff.

Villlain Robert Redford the candidate

OUT: Square-jawed, earnest Robert Redford seemed a dream candidate in the 1970s — but not anymore.

“The public wants leaders who are strong and decisive, and who aren’t squeamish about cutting moral corners if it’s in the national interest. Today no political candidate can expect serious consideration from the two major parties unless he or she falls into one or more of the best known villain types.”

The Rich Selfish Loudmouth is a familiar figure in movies, particularly to fans of horror flicks. When a crisis arises, he usually belittles the hero’s plan and temporarily gains control of the group.

“He’s the guy who tries to close the gate when there’s still a mother and her kid running from the zombies, or steals that last vial of an antidote for himself,” said Boylkin. “When he’s finally torn apart by walkers or eaten by a giant monster, it’s usually a stand-up-and-cheer moment for the audience.”

Variations of the “rich jerk” character appear in non-horror flicks like Titanic, in which Billy Zane plays a wealthy snob who thinks only of saving his own neck as the ship goes down.

Billy Zane Titanic

RICH SELFISH JERK Cal played by Billy Zane in Titanic isn’t above smacking his fiancee or turning yellow as the doomed ship sinks.

“Candidate Trump fit this mold to a T,” observed the strategist. “He bragged about everything from his billions to his I.Q., claimed he knew more about ISIS than the generals and mocked POWs like John McCain for being captured – instead of ducking service in Vietnam as he did. That ‘rich, cowardly braggart’ image helped to propel Mr. Trump into the White House. Voters reasoned that a guy who could keep himself that safe and rich could help all Americans be secure and wealthy too.”

Here are 14 other standard movie bad guy types and why they’re expected to win big in coming elections:

jAMES MASON BEST

THE SUAVE AND SARDONIC ENGLISHMAN: Epitomized by James Mason in North by Northwest, this villain is unfailingly polite. In an era of name-calling and coarse political discourse in Washington, voters yearn for such civility.

Villain Negan best

THE BRUTAL BUT CHARISMATIC BULLY: In uncertain times, voters gravitate toward Alpha males like Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)  of The Walking Dead fame,  a take-charge guy with a knack for motivating others.

VILLAIN dR. NO

THE COLD SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, exemplified by Dr. No, the first movie nemesis of James Bond.  Americans recognize the need for leaders with brainpower to spare, who operate on the basis of facts — not emotion.

Villain robert Davi Sanchez

THE HOODLUM WHO LIVES BY A CODE, like Sanchez (Robert Davi),  Bond’s drug-dealing foe in Licence to Kill. Now more than ever, voters long for leaders who cherish  “old-fashioned” values such as love of family, word of honor and personal loyalty.

Villains goodfellas

THE UNPREDICTABLE NUTJOB: Jovial one minute, shooting up the joint the next, this mercurial type was best personified by Joe Peschi as Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas. Leaders like these are able to keep America’s enemies off balance.

Villain SHaron Stone

THE OVER-SEXED FEMME FATALE, portrayed memorably by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. A lady leader who’s not afraid to use her feminine wiles could have a macho strongman like Putin eating out of her hand.

villains old movie preacher

RELIGIOUS FANATIC: Ever since teacher-led prayer was taken out of the schools, many Americans have pined for leaders who wear their religious views on their sleeve — or better yet their hands, like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.

Mr Burns

GREEDY BUSINESSMAN: With the national debt soaring out of control, many voters feel we need leaders who focus on the bottom line and nothing else, just like miserly Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.

Villain mean girl Rachel McAdams

THE MEAN GIRL: Cheerleader types who use their superior social skills — not H-bombs — as weapons, like Regina (Rachel McAdams) in Mean Girls  are the kind of leaders the world desperately needs right now.

Villain Walken Do in Denver

MUMBLING WEIRDO: Christopher Walken has mastered the art of playing a creepy villain in films such as Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead.  A leader who rambles incoherently can keep our nation’s adversaries guessing about what we’ll do next.

Aliens Reiser

HEARTLESS YUPPIE: Like sleazy company stooge Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) in Aliens, this type of leader understands that sometimes peons have to suffer so that the more deserving can enjoy the benefits of success. A certain Ayn Rand-loving Speaker of the House is clearly modeled on this type.

Villain Rosa Klebb

THE  HUMORLESS FEMALE DRONE: Best exemplified by Rosa Klebb  in From Russia With Love. A no-nonsense woman who rejects all  emotional attachments can be as competent a leader as a man, many American voters feel.

Kathy Bates 1

THE OBSESSED STALKER: This type’s most famous incarnation is Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes in Misery. Commitment like that isn’t easy to come by, voters know. When stalkers are able to redirect their energy into productive enterprises,  the benefits to society can be amazing, as is evident in the works of singer Adelle.

SAMUEL l. jACKSON kING

THE MISGUIDED WARMONGER: Whether it’s Samuel L. Jackson sending his men to die fighting a 500-foot gorilla, or that general using tanks to chase down a misunderstood space alien, this character is always wrong in movies. But in real life, as American voters know, you sometimes  “absolutely, positively” have to kill every mother-@#$%  in a country.


If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Heartbreaking “Benjamin Button” Disease Turning Man into Brad Pitt.   Leave a comment

Brad Benjamin Button_edited-1

TRAGIC truck driver Sherman Oakshore, left, is looking more and more like actor Brad Pitt (right) with each passing day, and doctors are helpless to halt the disease process.

 

By. C. Michael Forsyth

Milwaukee truck driver Sherman Oakshore is bravely fighting a heartbreaking medical ailment that is gradually distorting his facial features – morphing him into a dead ringer for movie star Brad Pitt.

“It’s a nightmare,” declared anguished Sherman, 46.  “My own mother no longer recognizes me, and my 2-year-old daughter runs away when I try to hug her. Angry women come up to me on the street and scold me for dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie – and just as many fans of Angelina chew me out for divorcing her.”

Sherman first began to notice that his face was beginning to subtly change in 2011, spotting slight differences as he shaved. By 2015, his resemblance to the Ocean’s Eleven actor had become alarming. Baffled doctors aren’t sure what’s causing the terrifying cellular change, but some experts theorize that he suffers from Proteus Syndrome,  a highly rare congenital disorder.

“The syndrome, which causes extreme changes in bone structure and tissue, is named after the Greek sea-god Proteus who could change his shape at will,” explained Dr. Hans Chudulski. “It’s believed that this is what caused the striking disfigurement of Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man.”

Only about 200 cases of the syndrome have ever been recorded, and just 120 people currently alive have been diagnosed with the condition.

“We’ve long suspected that there is a larger population of people with Proteus who remain undiagnosed because they suffer from a milder variation of the syndrome,” the expert revealed. “Perhaps a tiny subset, like Mr. Oakshore, actually become more attractive.”

Before pic_edited-2

HAPPIER DAYS:  In this 2009 photo, Sherman Oakshore bears  little resemblance to Brad Pit.

Brad later

By 2015, symptoms of the bizarre disease were clearly evident.

 

Only two other cases exist in the medical literature in which a patient has transformed into a celebrity lookalike. In 1952, a Cleveland waitress came to resemble Greta Garbo, and in 1971, an Alabama sheriff’s deputy slowly turned into the spitting image of comedian Flip Wilson.

Actor Pitt has appeared in more than 60 films, including Thelma and Louise and World War Z. He received an Oscar nomination for his starring role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he plays a man who is born old and mysteriously ages in reverse. While many American males might relish the chance to step into the shoes of the ultra-handsome superstar, Sherman is miserable that his life has been turned upside down.

“I used to enjoy hanging out, throwing darts and drinking beer at the bar,” said the once-homely, squinty-eyed regular Joe. “Now I get teased something awful and bullied by toughs who’ll say something like ‘Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you show us some of those Fight Club moves?’

“My best friend tried to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am, because I could ‘pick up plenty of girls’ on account of how rich and famous Brad Pitt is. But I’m married with five kids.”

The trucker’s wife Clarice considers her hubby’s facial upgrade anything but a godsend.

“I just want my Sherman back,” she said, wiping away a tear. “What broke our hearts is when his own dog Happy growled and snapped at him. That German shepherd wouldn’t let Sherman through the front door until he sniffed his pants leg and recognized him by smell.

“If that’s not bad enough, we can’t go to the mall or the movies without some brazen tart in a miniskirt sidling up, asking for an autograph and saying, ‘I hear you’re back on the market.’”

Doctors are now racing for a cure, fearing that the damage may be irreversible and that the victim could be 100 percent Brad within a matter of months. But they admit the prognosis is poor.

“Mr. Oakshore must face the very real possibility that he will look like Brad Pitt for the rest of his life,” admitted Dr. Chudulski.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Demon Possessed by 15-Year-Old Girl   Leave a comment

 

Demon possessed

THE DEMON Orsinox normally speaks in a deep, masculine voice and resembles this terrifying image found on Feelgraphix wallpaper.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BERLIN – Worshippers at a Satanic temple in Germany watched in stunned disbelief as a demon they’d summoned was possessed by the spirit of a 15-year-old American girl!

For close to four hours, the entity took over the hulking, nine-foot-tall abomination, causing it to speak in a valley girl accent, using phrases like “whatever” and “totally.”

“It was surreal to hear this high-pitched, bratty voice coming out of a huge, monstrous form with horns and a tail,” says eyewitness Kurt Schleinholt, high priest of the coven. “It kept twirling the little tendrils on its head as if they were locks of hair, and stamping its feet when it was mad.”

The bizarre reversal-of-fortune drama unfolded at the coven’s underground meeting place close to midnight on Halloween, the most sacred night of the year for Satanists. All started normally, as the 13 cult members sat nude within a pentagram drawn in blood, chanting incantations from a book bound in human skin.

“We were ecstatic when the demon Orsinox manifested himself out of a cloud of black smoke,” recalls Schleinholt. “We all prostrated ourselves before him and begged for his aid in destroying our list of enemies, including a pair of local Jehovah’s Witnesses who’d been pestering us at our homes for months, and one coven member’s boss at the car wash.”

At first, the demon spoke in a deep, authoritative baritone, in an ancient Babylonian dialect. Then, about 20 minutes into the forbidden ceremony, his expression changed and he twisted about in agony.

“Even his color changed, from dark red to a pinkish hue,” another eyewitness reports. “When he spoke again, it was in American-accented English.”

Orsinox, ranked the 21st most powerful demon in hell, appeared to be confused and unable to see his surroundings.

The effeminate voice reportedly shrieked, “Kaitlan? Kaitlan? Is this one of your freaking jokes? Ha, Ha. Turn on the lights, bitch. I am so going to kick your ass!”

Linda Blair

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Usually it’s teen girls like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist” who get possessed. But not this time!

For the next few hours, the possessed demon pranced around the chamber, cursing, ranting, whining and demanding its cell phone. When it finally became aware of its surroundings, it looked at the naked devil-worshippers and hissed, “Eww!”

Schleinholt uttered every incantation he could think of to cast out the teen spirit, who claimed to be a freshman at a place called “Riverwood High” and identified herself as Madison. The ordeal finally ended when another member of the congregation threw a bucket of unholy water on the horrific form. “Madison” abruptly abandoned the hapless demon in a puff of smoke. Orsinox looked at the group sheepishly then he, too, beat a hasty retreat.

After months of investigation, paranormal researchers in the U.S. believe they’ve tracked down Madison, identifying her as a Vermont teen who fell into a trance after playing on a Ouija board with friends on Halloween. The time frame of her coma-like state, emergency room staff confirmed, coincided exactly with the incident reported by the Berlin coven.

Dr. Dan Greavesby, of the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, says such flipping of the script is highly unusual.

“This was like a supernatural version of a ‘Man Bites Dog,’ newspaper story, “ he notes. “I’m only aware of four other cases like it.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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Posted May 13, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE: 7 LIFESAVING TIPS.   Leave a comment

SMART MOVE: Taking refuge in the basement of a haunted house could save your life, expert says.

SMART MOVE: Taking refuge in the basement of a haunted house could save your life.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EDISON, N.J. –If you find yourself trapped in a haunted house with a malevolent ghost, head straight to the basement. That’s the surprising advice of a top expert in the supernatural!

“It sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of behaviors that seem stupid in a horror movie turn out to be highly successful survival strategies in the real world,” reveals Dr. Dan Greavesby of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research.

“Disembodied souls generally frequent the areas of a house where they spent the most time while alive – for example the master bedroom or the kitchen. People spend hardly any time in their basement. That’s why it’s the place you’re least likely to encounter a ghost. If your haunted house doesn’t have a cellar, take refuge in the attic during a crisis.”

Here are six other vital tips from the researcher:

• ALWAYS SPLIT UP – “A ghost possesses only a finite amount of psychic energy,” Dr. Greavesby points out. “If it tries to attack five different people in five different rooms, that energy is divided and the ghost is weakened.”

SPLITTING up didn't work out so well for the characters in

SPLITTING up didn’t work out so well for the characters in “Scary Movie 2,” but in real life the strategy works.

• USE A FLICKERING FLASHLIGHT – A flashlight with a loose connection or dying batteries can save your hide. “Contrary to common belief, ghosts can’t see in the dark any better than the living can,” reveals the expert. “Indeed, you have the advantage since once the room is pitch black, you can feel your way out. Because a ghost’s hand will pass through solid objects, he or she can’t do that.”

FLASHLIGHT that doesn't work gives you an advantage over ghosts.

FLASHLIGHT that doesn’t work gives you an advantage over ghosts.

• DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE IT’S HAUNTED – Packing your bags and fleeing with your family at the first sign of trouble is useless and potentially dangerous. “An evil spirit often follows a victim from one house to the next and may be angered that you’ve ‘abandoned’ it,” the expert explains.

CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.

CHAIRS mysteriously stacking themselves is no cause to put out a For Sale sign.

 

WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.

WHAT, me worry? Best to ignore signs something supernatural is going on.

• REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS — Ignore the warnings of old caretakers, ominous sounds, objects that move inexplicably, dolls whose heads turn in your direction and your children’s reports of having seen dead people. “Ghosts feed on fear – it’s the primary source of their energy,” says Greavesby. “Showing no fear causes that energy to dissipate. If you appear oblivious to the presence of a ghost after two months of rigorous haunting, it will grow frustrated and weary and cease its efforts to harass you.”

WE ain't afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray wasn't afraid to poke fun at spirits in

WE ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Bill Murray poked fun at spirits in “Ghostbusters.”

• TAUNT THE SPIRIT – “You have to show the ghost who’s boss as soon as you move in,” explains the expert. “It’s like dealing with a bad dog. Establish early on who’s the alpha, the dominant one in the situation, and nine times out of ten it will back down.” Laughter is a potent weapon, he adds. “Mockery and insults such as classic ‘Yo mama’ jokes can quickly rob a ghost of its ‘mojo’. Curse words can be very effective, especially against spirits who lived in the 19th century and are unaccustomed to foul language.”

 

 

• HANDLE CURSED OBJECTS — Don’t hesitate to march into a “forbidden” room and pick up the dead person’s former prized possessions such as antique jewelry or an eerily lifelike portrait. Notes Greavesby, “If you boldly put on that necklace you’ve been warned never to touch, stare in the ‘haunted mirror’ and give the ghost you see behind you the finger, the spirit will know you can’t be intimidated and will most likely give up.”

WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?

WHY let the fact that a piece of jewelry is cursed stop you from putting it on?

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel The Blood of Titans, a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel The Blood of Titans, a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click HERE.

Posted May 11, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in Uncategorized

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

In Wake of Colbert Outrage, 100 Euphemisms for “C—k Holster.”   Leave a comment

Stephen Colbert

Comedian Stephen Colbert’s mouth has landed him in hot water.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.

“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.

Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.

Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”

“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”

Trump Mouth

BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.

But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.

“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”

Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.

1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover

Sword swallower

SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.

51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd

Trump Putin Horse

HOMOEROTIC imagery  — like this Photoshopped pic —  have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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