Archive for the ‘topless bars’ Tag

“Strippers Versus Werewolves” Bares More Than Fangs.   Leave a comment

No "Gone with the Wind" or even "Howard the Duck."

No “Gone with the Wind” or even “Howard the Duck.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

It would seem impossible to screw up some movies. Take “Strippers Versus Werewolves.” As a viewer, your expectations aren’t very high. You just want a campy, tongue-in-cheek romp with a healthy dose of T & A and a few scares.

Sadly, nothing is completely idiot-proof. This amateurishly filmed excuse for a horror-comedy makes the dismal “Zombie Strippers” look like a cinematic masterpiece.

First problem is that the strippers are clad in unflattering and unrevealing outfits, while executing dance routines that are relentlessly unsexy. Second problem is that less effort went into creating believable werewolves than would take place in an unambitious student film.

HUBBA HUBBA! If images like this get you hot and bothered you'll love the movie's striptease scenes.

HUBBA HUBBA! If images like this get you hot and bothered you’ll love the movie’s striptease scenes.

I’ve long wanted to see another werewolf flick with minimal makeup, like Henry Hull’s in “The Werewolf of London” or Jack Nicholson’s in “Wolf. “But the rubber noses, ears and fangs in this British movie look like they came from the Halloween discount bin at Wal-Mart — not even a real costume shop.

LESS than convincing werewolf effects pump a silver bullet into film.

LESS-than-convincing werewolf effects put a silver bullet in the heart of this film.

The one starlet in the picture I wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers is spectacularly well-endowed Lucy Pinder. Unfortunately, instead of making full use of her assets, the producers don’t Lucy cast as a stripper — but rather, almost perversely, as a member of a vampire duo who show up for a few seconds.

ASSETS UNDERUTILIZED:  Lucy Pinder appears but, tragically NOT as a stripper.

ASSETS UNDERUTILIZED: Lucy Pinder appears but, tragically, NOT as a stripper.

DOUBLE D TROUBLE: Vampire duo add to the woes.

DOUBLE D TROUBLE: Vampire duo add to the woes.

There’s one cool idea: The pack of werewolves are basically a gang of English houligans. There’s one really good performance: Robert Compston as a young member of the pack whose girlfriend turns out to be one of the strippers. Robert Englund has a cameo as the imprisoned former leader of the gang, the Alpha male” as he puts it, and the “Nightmare on Elm Street” star is at his menacing best in the five minutes he’s on screen. But Englund, who also livened up “Zombie Strippers” a bit as a sleazy club owner, couldn’t save this dog of a werewolf movie.

Instead of blowing cash on this DVD release, better to invest in a lap dance at your local topless watering hole.

ALPHA MALE: Robert Englund has brief cameo as ex-packe leader..

ALPHA MALE: Robert Englund has brief cameo as ex-pack leader.



Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.


<img src=”” alt=”Speaking of werewolves and sex, in this reviewer’s acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, a bride is raped by a wolfman on her wedding night — then things start to get out of hand! ” width=”466″ height=”324″ class=”size-full wp-image-933″ /> Speaking of werewolves and sex, in this reviewer’s acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, a bride is raped by a wolfman on her wedding night — then things start to get out of hand!

To check out Hour of the Beast, click HERE,

STRIPPER SAVES EARTH FROM INVASION — After E.T. Reveals Plans During Lap Dance!   Leave a comment

Eye-popping surveilance video from strip club V.I.P. room reveals what is believed to be an extraterrestrial.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA — A spunky stripper is being credited with foiling an alien invasion — after a loose-lipped E.T. spilled the beans about an imminent attack during a lap dance!

The quick-thinking 36D-24-38 dancer promptly alerted military officials, who used high-tech “Star Wars” hardware to zap the alien mother ship outside the Earth’s atmosphere.

Curvaceous Candy, whose real name is being withheld for reasons of national security, will be awarded the Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, in a secret White House ceremony, a reliable Department of Defense source confirmed.

Incredibly, the 23-year-old entertainer doesn’t consider herself a hero.

“I just did what any other concerned citizen would do,” she said modestly.

The bizarre close encounter took place May 2 at about 1 a.m., at a popular gentleman’s club in Tampa, Florida. Candy had just come off the stage when she was approached by the creature, which had a glowing green face.

“He asked me my name and said he wanted a lap dance,” the bosomy blonde recalled. “I said sure and led him back to the V.I.P. room.

“He was wearing this bright Star Treky uniform, but I didn’t think much of it at the time because there was a science fiction convention in town. His face was green and eyes were all black, including where the whites should be, but I just figured it was some kind of mask. He also smelled funny, which I thought was bad cologne.”

As topless Candy ground her G-string-clad behind into the peculiar patron’s crotch, he guzzled beer and his tongue began to loosen.

“He said he was from outer space, a ‘planet just beyond Alpha Proxima’ and that his people were way superior to us humans,” the beauty said.

“The more he drank, the more he got to talking. He said that him and his friends had a big ship hiding behind the moon and that in six days they were going to attack Earth.

“He kept bragging about how they would crush our soldiers ‘like ants’ and all Earthlings would be ‘exterminated’ except for a few that would be kept as pets. He told me I could be one of the lucky ones if I played my cards right, and he asked for my phone number.

‘Well, I figured him for some pathetic sci-fi nerd. So I‘m like, ‘Okay, that sounds great,’ and I gave him the number to Dunkin Donuts.”

The steamy session lasted through eight three–minute songs. Then the E.T. staggered to his feet.

“He took out this metal thing shaped like a pen and pointed it at my forehead,” the exotic dancer remembers.

“I think it may have been one of those memory-erasing gadgets, like in Men in Black, you know?

“But he must have been pointing it the wrong way, ’cause after the flash, he asks me my name all over again like we’d never met. He says he wants a lap dance, but when he looks in his wallet, it’s empty. He looks confused, like he’s wondering where all his money went. Then he mutters something in a funny foreign language and stumbles out of the bar.”

At first Candy dismissed the strange customer as just another lonely weirdo. But when she awoke the next morning, what she calls her “ho’s intuition” kicked in . She reported the incident to her brother, who serves as a mechanic in the U.S. Air Force. The report went swiftly up the chain of command until it reached the desk of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.

“The report raised red flags because mysterious signals had indeed been picked up near the moon,” said the Pentagon source. “The military people connected the dots. Secretary Gates communicated with the President, who okayed the shoot-down.”

The alien craft was intercepted as it emerged from behind the moon. The source refused to divulge exactly what kind of weapon was used to attack the colossal vessel, other than that it “fried” the guidance systems.

“The ship went down near the Sea of Japan,” the source revealed. “A special retrieval team has been dispatched to recover the wreckage. The best part is we’ll have the opportunity to appropriate captured alien technology for the first time since 1991.”

Although Candy’s award is top secret, the source said the President will personally deliver it and he has said the “nation and indeed the world will forever be in her debt.”

“I’m just glad it was me that alien picked for a lap dance,” Candy observes. “If it had been one of those three real bimbos who work here, things could have turned out a whole lot different.”


An upcoming story is titled, “Female Vampire and Werewolf Woman in Catfight!”
Submit a drawing of the sexy pair mixing it up in a bar room brawl. The winner will receive a free 36″ X 24″ Hour of the Beast poster worth a whopping $54. Email your entry to with the subject heading “Catfight Art Contest.” Hurry! The deadline for entries is July 1, 2011.

Contest Rules: Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions and its subsidiaries may not compete. Our judges’ decision will be final. Any art used will become the property of Freedom’s Hammer Productions.

Posters for Hour of the Beast novel are a coveted item on the Internet.

Check out Hour of the Beast by clicking HERE.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

%d bloggers like this: