New Stake-Proof Vest Makes World Safer for Vampires

CONTROVERSIAL HeartGuardian guarantees wearers a safe day’s sleep.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN ANTONIO — A leading manufacturer of tactical body armor has come under fire for introducing the world’s first stake-proof vest!

The lightweight, 1-1/2 inch-thick HeartGuardian, which fits comfortably under a cape, is designed to protect the wearer from an 18-inch oak stake pounded into the chest with 150 newtons of force, according to a press release from LiveSafe Industries.

“The work of a vampire slayer is hazardous enough already,” blasts Hans Gutlienberg of the International Association of Vampire Hunters. “To deliberately make these fiends invulnerable is beyond irresponsible. This is corporate greed at its worst.”

In centuries past, blood-drinkers have used bulky metal armor, chain mail and other protective gear to try to ward off would-be Van Helsings, with limited success. But HeartGuardian boasts state-of-the-art technology that makes the garment far more effective. The vest is made of multiple layers of para-aramid fibers interwoven with ultra-high-molecular weight polyethylene. A ceramic plate reinforced with titanium lies directly over the heart, impenetrable even to an arrow fired by a high-powered crossbow.

The manufacturer insists the product is not necessarily for use by vampires.

“Anyone could be killed by a sharpened stake through the heart,” a LiveSave spokesman pointed out.

But the company’s own publicity materials leave little doubt about the target market. An ad in a popular vampire lifestyle magazine, Nyte Creatures, says “Now you can really rest in peace.”

UNPROTECTED vampire in the movie “Horror of Dracula” could have used new stake-proof vest.

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