Surprise! Most Real Vampires Are Butt Ugly, Experts Say.   3 comments

NO BRAD PITT: Don Rickles didn't exactly make teenage girls' hearts flutter as a vampire in

COYOTE UGLY: Don Rickles didn’t make hearts flutter as a vampire in “Innocent Blood” (1992).

By C. Michael Forsyth

Next time you feel the cold breath of a vampire on your throat at night, don’t turn on the lights – because odds are the bloodsucker is butt ugly! While Hollywood movies typically portray vampires as pretty boys and supermodel types, the sad reality is that the vast majority have faces that would stop a clock, an expert says.

“Vampires typically prey on those whom they can easily jump at night,” reveals Dr. Casey Kierlam, a leading hematologist. “That means scab-encrusted vagrants, back alley prostitutes and meth-heads whose teeth are in frightful shape even before they are converted into vampires and sprout fangs.”

By contrast, androgynously handsome aristocrats and drop-dead-gorgeous movie stars are usually surrounded by bodyguards and entourages, and are far too well protected to fall victim to vampire attacks, she noted.

Real vampires are less likely to look like this...

Real vampires are less likely to look like this…

... than this.

… than this.

The inaccurate depiction of vampires as major hotties has made life difficult for real undead dudes who are “not conventionally handsome.” While mystique may have been enough in the past, those who look more like Bela Lugosi than Brad Pitt now find it hard to close the deal.

“Back in the day, if you told some sweet young thing you could give her everlasting life, you were in like Flynn,” complains 200-year-old blood-drinker and former sanitation worker Burt Hogprow. “Now, thanks to those stupid movies like Twilight, they expect you to look like Robert Pattison too. And if you don’t, they won’t give you the time of day.”

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.
If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

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3 responses to “Surprise! Most Real Vampires Are Butt Ugly, Experts Say.

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  1. Reblogged this on wolfshadowwhispers and commented:
    See, I always said werewolves are sexier… If you want to get bitten choose the wolf awooooooooo

  2. That is why I choose werewolves

  3. really vampires are exist??

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