Archive for the ‘news satire’ Tag

“Alternate Ethics” Hot New Fad in Business and D.C.   Leave a comment

alternate trump

UPSIDE DOWN: According to the rules of alternate ethics, right and wrong are flip-flopped.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You’ve heard of “alternate facts” and “alternate science.” Now the most popular new buzz word in corporate America and politics is “alternate ethics.”

“Alternate ethics is a major game changer,” says consultant Gary Diplinskow, who teaches seminars on the subject at corporate retreats. “Using this dynamic management tool you can’t go wrong — literally. Under the old paradigm, to collude with a foreign power, take money under the table or lie under oath would be labeled ‘unethical.’ According to the new model, all that is more properly considered alternate ethical.”

The topsy-turvy trend began when top presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway introduced the concept of alternate facts — information that might be the opposite of the truth, yet is equally valid. Then, in March, Congress passed a law banning the EPA from considering much scientific proof of climate change, a move that many condemned as anti-science, but defenders call pro-alternate science.

“Alternate ethics is a natural extension of the principle that for everything, there is an equal and opposite version of that thing,” Diplinskow explains. “A practitioner deftly re-envisions ‘bad’ conduct as good conduct. It’s like turning a frown upside down.”

Alternate ethics significantly changes the language used in business and government to talk about what was once known as misconduct. Some examples of the new lingo:

Dumping toxic waste = Creating an environmental cleanup opportunity
Embezzlement = Asset self-appropriation
Treason = Loyalty realignment
False advertising = Elevating consumer expectations
Nepotism = Being a pro-family role model
Bribery = Generating a win-win scenario
Lying = Employing alternate facts
Safety violations = Creating a risk-friendly workplace
Union Busting = Enhancing the right to work
Stiffing creditors = Adjusting debt to zero
Insider trading = Maximizing value of exclusive access
Defrauding college students = Teaching millennials a life lesson

mirror mirror

In classic “Star Trek” episode “Mirror Mirror,” Captain Kirk finds himself in an alternate universe where our morals are inverted.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Air Quotes One of SEVEN Great Ways to Get Away with Fibbing!   Leave a comment

sEAN SPICER AIR QUOTES

I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.

Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!

“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.

What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:

Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.

Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.

Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.

Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.

Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Five Sports as Thrilling as Hunting Hibernating Bears   Leave a comment

 

bear-hibernating

LIGHTS OUT: This unlucky bear will wake up as someone’s rug.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.

The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.

Animal lovers  have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.

“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”

As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.

“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”

There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:

sloth

Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.

Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.

chimpanzee-chess

 

Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.

Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.

Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

How to Spot Mexicans, Muslims and Indians   Leave a comment

eli-wallach

America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.

“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”

The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.

“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”

Here are some samples from the photo array:

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-better

MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.

eli-wallach

JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.

teri-hatcher

SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.

Dave Chapelle

MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle  converted to Islam in 1998.

Stacey Dash

MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.

james-roday

MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.

jerry-seinfeld

SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.

johnny-depp-tonto

AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.

ted-williams

MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.

snooki-3

CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.

2013 Entertainment Weekly Pre-Emmy Party - Arrivals

Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.

sean-connery-wind-and-the-lion-dark-turban

SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”

paula-abdul

SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.

ralph-nader

ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.

salma-hyack-boobs

Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.

val-kilmer

NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”

shaquille-ooneal

MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.

vanna-white

PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.

prince-of-persia

SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.

frank-zappa

ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.

judd-hirsch-bio-pic

JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.

shakira

ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were  Lebanese.

ice-cube-3

MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.

pocohantas

NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.

klinger

CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.

neil-patrick-harris

GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”

antonio-banderas

SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.

tilda-swinton

WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.

vince-vaugn

ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.

wes-studi

NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”

laverne-cox

TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”

aziz-ansari

INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.

gabrielle-anwar

INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.

andre-agassi

IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.

ben-kingsley

INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.

mahershala-ali

MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”

kal-penn

INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.

george-lopez

MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.

helen-bonham-carter

SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.

kim-kardashian

ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.

cindy-crawford-1

ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.

danny-thomas

ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz. 

that-girl

Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Wall to be Guarded by Night’s Watch, Just like in “Game of Thrones.”   Leave a comment

the_wall

The Wall in Game of Thrones is nearly 700 feet high

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Uncle Donald wants YOU — to join the noble band of brothers who will guard Trump Wall, just like the Night’s Watch in the hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

Thousands of patriotic Americans nationwide have already volunteered to man the $25 billion border wall that’s being built to protect the U.S. from Mexicans.

“Letters are pouring in from around the country from men and women who want to join the elite force,” said a White House source. “The wall will be tall, yes, perhaps as high as 40 feet, huge. But it would be comparatively easy for Mexicans to dig under it. We need real heroes to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

In Game of Thrones, the Night’s Watch is a military order that guards the Wall, an immense ice structure that separates the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms from the lands beyond. The Wall keeps out threats such as white walkers, wildings and giants. The Trump Rangers, as the guardians have tentatively been dubbed, will play a similar role guarding the wall that will stretch along the 1900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

In the popular fantasy series, the Night’s Watch is drawn from the dregs of society, including petty criminals, street urchins, bastards and outcasts. Likewise, a checkered past — including a less-than-unblemished rap sheet — won’t keep you from a spot atop Trump Wall. Almost any American with gumption and an eagerness to serve has what it takes to be a Trump Ranger.

“You don’t need a fancy high school diploma or other special qualifications,” the aide explained. “We’re not looking for people with a background in law enforcement or the military. That would be prohibitively expensive. We’re looking for enthusiasm, patriotism and loyalty to our President. We’ll give you the training you need.”

While the heroes’ job may sound glamorous, conditions at the southern border — blazing hot in the day, freezing at night – will be more uncomfortable than many citizens can bear. So Trump Rangers are likely to include undocumented immigrants.

Said the aide, “These people are willing to do jobs most American’s don’t want.”

jon-snow

Brave and noble Jon Snow leads the ragtag Night’s Watch.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Alternative Facts Just as Real, Quantum Physicists Say   Leave a comment

atom-one

By C. Michael Forsyth

Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.

“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”

As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.

“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.

“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”

schrodingers_cat_edited-1

The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.

“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”

The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.

“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”

 

kellyanne-conway

Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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