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PROFESSOR Van Helsing would have racked up a far higher vampire body count if he’d simply stuck with good old-fashioned firepower.

By C. Michael Forsyth

HOUSTON — Next time a vampire attacks you at home, don’t scramble for a crucifix or holy water – just shoot the bloodthirsty fiend in the head! Contrary to popular belief, vampires can be easily killed by ordinary bullets, an expert reveals.

“All the folklore about garlic, wooden stakes, holy water and the like is malarkey cooked up by vampires and spread to confuse the public,” claims vampirologist Kervin Norbosky. “The last thing they want you to do is pull your .44 Magnum from your night stand, or your trusty AR-15 from under the bed and blow them to kingdom come. Their hope is that you waste time searching the pantry for garlic or sharpening a stake in your workshop.”

According to medieval Catholic theologians, vampires are spawned when a body that has, for unknown reasons, failed to decay in a timely manner becomes possessed by the spirit of a demon that requires human blood for nourishment.

“Since the body is that of a person, it can be taken out with a bullet to the brain, just like a zombie or any other one of the 17 other types of revenants,” the Houston-based expert explains.

Indeed, it was the emergence of firearms in the 16th century that first convinced the undead to launch the cunning disinformation campaign.

“Until that time, vampires could depend on their superior strength and speed to avoid death at the hands of peasants armed with pitchforks and torches,” notes Norbosky. “Now they realized there was a very real danger of being hunted down by mobs armed with pistols and muskets.”

At an annual meeting held in Madrid on Oct. 11, 1582, the vampires held a brainstorming session to dream up bogus “weaknesses.” According to the recently discovered diary of British vampire Lord Edgar Hadsworth, the ideas ranged from the offbeat to the ludicrous.

“One member of The Society doth believe that Rumour be circulated that we feareth running water. Another Member proposed rabbits, and a third doth state that the mortals must be Led to believe that we may be killed only by a thump on the knee with a wooden spoon.”

The supposed vulnerabilities have made their way into Hollywood movies, books and TV shows, and are known to virtually everyone on the planet. But if the general public wises up, it could mean curtains for the blood-drinking bad guys – particularly in the United States.

“Americans own roughly 1.3 guns per capita, meaning we’ve got close to 357 million firearms here — contrasted with an estimated 830 vampires,” Norbosky points out. “If they go after vampires loaded for bear, they will be extinct on this continent in a matter of months.

USELESS: The greatest trick vampires ever pulled was convincing the world that holy water, crucifixes, garlic are effective weapons against them.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX

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