SEAN CONNERY would never abuse Her Majesty's gadgets.
By C. Michael Forsyth
LONDON – A British secret agent faces severe disciplinary action after he used his car’s ejector seat to propel his yappy girlfriend from the vehicle!
The 38-year-old operative, whose name has been withheld by MI6 officials, admits that he exercised “exceedingly poor judgment” when he engaged the device as his vintage 1963 Astin Martin DB5 barreled down a country road at 75 m.p.h.
“She kept going on and on about how I was a ‘womanizer’ and was ‘afraid to commit,’” the spy confessed to his superiors. “I kept warning her that I was going to push the button, but the little fool wouldn’t listen. Finally, I just snapped.
“The last thing I remember hearing before she went airborne was, ‘You wouldn’t dare…’ ”
Miraculously, the 24-year-old brunette came down safely in a farmer’s field 150 feet from the road.
“She landed on her bum on a haystack,” said Police Constable Graham Lockenby, who responded to the incident. “Luckily, nothing was injured but her pride.”
According to reports in the British press, the field agent has had his license to kill suspended and he has been reassigned to a desk job pending a full investigation.
Some female officials at the intelligence agency are calling for the employee’s head.
“This is just the kind of reckless, misogynistic behavior we’ve been trying to eradicate from the espionage community for years,” fumed one administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“This irresponsible ruffian doesn’t deserve to carry a driver’s license, let alone a license to kill.”
Some of the agent’s male colleagues were more charitable.
“The old boy had been having a spell of rotten luck,” revealed a fellow agent. “He lost his favorite watch in a pool full of man-eating sharks, and he spent most of the morning trying to fit his miniature helicopter back into its suitcase.
“Yes, his conduct was unbecoming an English gentleman, but it was the sort of silly thing any of us might do at the end of a frustrating day.”
The agency has convinced the young woman, a West End beautician, not to file a lawsuit, for the “good of queen and country.” But she hasn’t yet forgiven her superspy sweetheart for his ungentlemanly behavior.
“These blokes think that because they have one of those bloody licenses to kill they can do whatever they please,” she told a London tabloid.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
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