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After Trump’s Election, Other Stock Villains are Entering Politics   Leave a comment

By C. Michael Forsyth

Donald Trump won the presidency in an Electoral College landslide — even though he’s the classic Rich Selfish Loudmouth stereotype we’ve seen in countless movies. Now, scores of other stock-movie-villain types are lining up to run for political office – and they’re being eagerly courted by both political parties.

“Voters have always been most comfortable with easily recognized types,” explained campaign strategist Hallie Boylkin. “In the past, we tried to run candidates who were squeaky-clean, square-jawed hero types. But today the ideal candidate looks less like Robert Redford and more like Boris Karloff.

Villlain Robert Redford the candidate

OUT: Square-jawed, earnest Robert Redford seemed a dream candidate in the 1970s — but not anymore.

“The public wants leaders who are strong and decisive, and who aren’t squeamish about cutting moral corners if it’s in the national interest. Today no political candidate can expect serious consideration from the two major parties unless he or she falls into one or more of the best known villain types.”

The Rich Selfish Loudmouth is a familiar figure in movies, particularly to fans of horror flicks. When a crisis arises, he usually belittles the hero’s plan and temporarily gains control of the group.

“He’s the guy who tries to close the gate when there’s still a mother and her kid running from the zombies, or steals that last vial of an antidote for himself,” said Boylkin. “When he’s finally torn apart by walkers or eaten by a giant monster, it’s usually a stand-up-and-cheer moment for the audience.”

Variations of the “rich jerk” character appear in non-horror flicks like Titanic, in which Billy Zane plays a wealthy snob who thinks only of saving his own neck as the ship goes down.

Billy Zane Titanic

RICH SELFISH JERK Cal played by Billy Zane in Titanic isn’t above smacking his fiancee or turning yellow as the doomed ship sinks.

“Candidate Trump fit this mold to a T,” observed the strategist. “He bragged about everything from his billions to his I.Q., claimed he knew more about ISIS than the generals and mocked POWs like John McCain for being captured – instead of ducking service in Vietnam as he did. That ‘rich, cowardly braggart’ image helped to propel Mr. Trump into the White House. Voters reasoned that a guy who could keep himself that safe and rich could help all Americans be secure and wealthy too.”

Here are 14 other standard movie bad guy types and why they’re expected to win big in coming elections:

jAMES MASON BEST

THE SUAVE AND SARDONIC ENGLISHMAN: Epitomized by James Mason in North by Northwest, this villain is unfailingly polite. In an era of name-calling and coarse political discourse in Washington, voters yearn for such civility.

Villain Negan best

THE BRUTAL BUT CHARISMATIC BULLY: In uncertain times, voters gravitate toward Alpha males like Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)  of The Walking Dead fame,  a take-charge guy with a knack for motivating others.

VILLAIN dR. NO

THE COLD SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, exemplified by Dr. No, the first movie nemesis of James Bond.  Americans recognize the need for leaders with brainpower to spare, who operate on the basis of facts — not emotion.

Villain robert Davi Sanchez

THE HOODLUM WHO LIVES BY A CODE, like Sanchez (Robert Davi),  Bond’s drug-dealing foe in Licence to Kill. Now more than ever, voters long for leaders who cherish  “old-fashioned” values such as love of family, word of honor and personal loyalty.

Villains goodfellas

THE UNPREDICTABLE NUTJOB: Jovial one minute, shooting up the joint the next, this mercurial type was best personified by Joe Peschi as Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas. Leaders like these are able to keep America’s enemies off balance.

Villain SHaron Stone

THE OVER-SEXED FEMME FATALE, portrayed memorably by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. A lady leader who’s not afraid to use her feminine wiles could have a macho strongman like Putin eating out of her hand.

villains old movie preacher

RELIGIOUS FANATIC: Ever since teacher-led prayer was taken out of the schools, many Americans have pined for leaders who wear their religious views on their sleeve — or better yet their hands, like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.

Mr Burns

GREEDY BUSINESSMAN: With the national debt soaring out of control, many voters feel we need leaders who focus on the bottom line and nothing else, just like miserly Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.

Villain mean girl Rachel McAdams

THE MEAN GIRL: Cheerleader types who use their superior social skills — not H-bombs — as weapons, like Regina (Rachel McAdams) in Mean Girls  are the kind of leaders the world desperately needs right now.

Villain Walken Do in Denver

MUMBLING WEIRDO: Christopher Walken has mastered the art of playing a creepy villain in films such as Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead.  A leader who rambles incoherently can keep our nation’s adversaries guessing about what we’ll do next.

Aliens Reiser

HEARTLESS YUPPIE: Like sleazy company stooge Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) in Aliens, this type of leader understands that sometimes peons have to suffer so that the more deserving can enjoy the benefits of success. A certain Ayn Rand-loving Speaker of the House is clearly modeled on this type.

Villain Rosa Klebb

THE  HUMORLESS FEMALE DRONE: Best exemplified by Rosa Klebb  in From Russia With Love. A no-nonsense woman who rejects all  emotional attachments can be as competent a leader as a man, many American voters feel.

Kathy Bates 1

THE OBSESSED STALKER: This type’s most famous incarnation is Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes in Misery. Commitment like that isn’t easy to come by, voters know. When stalkers are able to redirect their energy into productive enterprises,  the benefits to society can be amazing, as is evident in the works of singer Adelle.

SAMUEL l. jACKSON kING

THE MISGUIDED WARMONGER: Whether it’s Samuel L. Jackson sending his men to die fighting a 500-foot gorilla, or that general using tanks to chase down a misunderstood space alien, this character is always wrong in movies. But in real life, as American voters know, you sometimes  “absolutely, positively” have to kill every mother-@#$%  in a country.


If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Spy Faces Ax — For Using Ejector Seat to End Bad Date!   Leave a comment

SEAN CONNERY would never abuse Her Majesty's gadgets.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LONDON – A British secret agent faces severe disciplinary action after he used his car’s ejector seat to propel his yappy girlfriend from the vehicle!

The 38-year-old operative, whose name has been withheld by MI6 officials, admits that he exercised “exceedingly poor judgment” when he engaged the device as his vintage  1963 Astin Martin DB5 barreled down a country road at 75 m.p.h.

“She kept going on and on about how I was a ‘womanizer’ and was ‘afraid to commit,’” the spy confessed to his superiors. “I kept warning her that I was going to push the button, but the little fool wouldn’t listen. Finally, I just snapped.

“The last thing I remember hearing before she went airborne was, ‘You wouldn’t dare…’ ”

Miraculously, the 24-year-old brunette came down safely in a farmer’s field 150 feet from the road.

“She landed on her bum on a haystack,” said Police Constable Graham Lockenby, who responded to the incident. “Luckily, nothing was injured but her pride.”

According to reports in the British press, the field agent has had his license to kill suspended and he has been reassigned to a desk job pending a full investigation.

Some female officials at the intelligence agency are calling for the employee’s head.

“This is just the kind of reckless, misogynistic behavior we’ve been trying to eradicate from the espionage community for years,” fumed one administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“This irresponsible ruffian doesn’t deserve to carry a driver’s license, let alone a license to kill.”

Some of the agent’s male colleagues were more charitable.

“The old boy had been having a spell of rotten luck,” revealed a fellow agent. “He lost his favorite watch in a pool full of man-eating sharks, and he spent most of the morning trying to fit his miniature helicopter back into its suitcase.

“Yes, his conduct was unbecoming an English gentleman, but it was the sort of silly thing any of us might do at the end of a frustrating day.”

The agency has convinced the young woman, a West End beautician, not to file a lawsuit, for the “good of queen and country.” But she hasn’t yet forgiven her superspy sweetheart for his ungentlemanly behavior.

“These blokes think that because they have one of those bloody licenses to kill they can do whatever they please,” she told a London tabloid.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.

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