Archive for the ‘sexy zombies’ Tag

ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY.   Leave a comment

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.

“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.

“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”

In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.

“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”

Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.

Walking Dead Hardcore

LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!

 

In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.

“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.

“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”

But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.

“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.

“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”

Zombie sexy

DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.

Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.

“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

THE 100 CRAZIEST ZOMBIE MOVIE TITLES OF ALL TIME   1 comment

Watch the skies!

By C. Michael Forsyth

There are basically two types of zombie movies. The kind that sound pretty good so you go see them and the kind that have such ridiculous titles you HAVE to see them!

Below is a list of the 100 wackiest zombie movie titles of all time:

Wiseguys vs. Zombies
Mark Of The Astro Zombies
Dead and Too Stupid to Know It
Retardead
Juan of the Dead (Cuba)
Holy Virgin Vs. the Evil Dead
Stag Night of the Dead
Jesus H. Zombie
The Legend of Zombie Road
Zombie Commando
Zombie Cheerleader Camp
Brunch of the Living Dead
Zombiegeddon
Die You Zombie Bastards!
Zombies on Broadway
Dorm of the Dead
Swamp Zombies
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies
The Quick and the Undead

“You’ll sleep with the fishes…again.”

Zombie Dearest
The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made
Vampires Vs. Zombies
Zombie Farm
ZA: Zombies Anonymous
Zombie Brigade
Zombie Honeymoon
Zombie Island Massacre
Zombie Women of Satan
I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.
Invasion of the Not Quite Dead
Dead and Deader
Zombie Campout
Big Tits Zombie
Ninjas vs. Zombies
Redneck Zombies

Give me a Z…

Zombies Gone Wild
Zombie Strippers
Boy Eats Girl
Zombie Roadkill
Zombies, Zombies, Zombies
A Virgin Among the Living Dead
Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors
Kung Fu Zombie
Enter the Zombies
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood

No exploitation here.

Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom
Zombie Vegetarians
Zombies Vs. Mardi Gras
Vengeance of the Zombies
Zombie Ninja Gangbangers
Wrath of the Zombies
Silent Night, Zombie Night
Trailer Park of Terror
Ghouls Gone Wild
Giant of Evil Island
Tombs of the Blind Dead
Schoolgirl Apocalypse
Summer Among the Zombies
Space Zombie Bingo
Romeo & Juliet vs. The Living Dead
Punk Rock Zombie Kung Fu Catfight
O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown

Looks like C. Thomas Howell’s career isn’t coming back from the dead anytime soon.

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid
Rising Up: The Story of the Zombie Rights Movement
Motocross Zombies from Hell
Flesh Eating Mothers
Night of the Living Babes
Nudist Colony of the Dead
Night of the Living Heads
Eat the Parents
Entrails of a Beautiful Girl

Can she make a dead man come back for more?

Zombies of the Stratosphere
Confederate Zombie Massacre!
Onechanbara: Zombie Bikini Squad
Hood of the Living Dead
Z: A Zombie Musical
ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction
The Naked and the Living Dead
Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre
Nympho Zombie Coeds

 

“We no make Olympic swim team, but we make plenty zombie kill dead.”

Oasis of the Zombies
Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island
Hamilton Carver – Zombie P.I.
I Eat Your Skin
Urban Scumbags vs. Countryside Zombies
Living Dead in Denmark
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
Platoon of the Dead
Gay of the Dead
Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Undead (AKA Inglorious Zombie Hunters)
Knight of the Living Dead
Teenage Zombie House Massacre
I Spit on Your Rave
Hard Rock Zombies
Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer
Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels
The Harvard Zombie Massacre
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead

Thomas Haden Church battles an implacable and furry foe.

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane
Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love
Fast Zombies with Guns
The Corporate Zombie Killers
Biker Zombies from Detroit
Devil Fetus
Deadheads
Gangs of the Dead
The Drunken Dead Guy
Mad Doctor of Blood Island
The Horror of Party Beach
Dead Clowns
Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers
Die and Let Live
Night of the Living Schlong

Bad enough they don’t shamble anymore. Now they’re carrying freaking GUNS?

Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town
Night of the Living Dorks
The Curse of the Screaming Dead
Gory, Gory Hallelujah
Dong of the Dead
The Bloodfest Club
Paris By Night of the Living Dead
Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies
The Book of Zombie
Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell
Bong of the Dead
Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned
Attack of the Flesh Devouring Space Worms from Outer Space
BFF Zombie
The Aliens and Kong Kong Zombie
Zombie Beavers

You can count on my former bosses at Troma to make a contribution to the schlock zombie flick genre.

 

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, the unthinkable happens. Then things get out of hand.

Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the motion picture hits the big screen.

FRIGHT NIGHT Vs. FRIGHT NIGHT! Which version is better?   Leave a comment

Hard-drinking Irish bad-boy actor Colin Farrell plays vampire-neighbor Jerry as a hard-drinking Irish bad boy. (Yes, that IS a British poster, you folks who can spell.

By C. Michael Forsyth

I’ve never looked forward to hating a film more than I did the “Fright Night” remake. I loathe gratuitous remakes and the 1985 original happens to be a personal favorite of mine. Bad enough that Hollywood vultures have to recycle blockbusters like “Planet of the Apes.” Must they mess with little cult classics too?

Chris Sarandon’s chilling performance as the vampire next-door-neighbor Jerry Dandridge earned him a berth in the pantheon of greatest big-screen bloodsuckers — surpassing, in my book, both Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee. He’s such a magnetic actor and makes such interesting choices. And what range the guy has! From Al Pacino’s transssexual lover in “Dog Day Afternoon” to a Jesus who is actually INTERESTING in “The Day Christ Died.”

Roddy McDowell as reluctant vampire hunter Peter Vincent in the 1985 version of Fright Night.

William Ragsdale was charming as the mild-mannered hero high-schooler Charlie Brewster. And of course, Roddy McDowell created one of his most memorable film characters: Peter Vincent — an amalgam of Peter Cushing and Vincent Price — a cowardly ham actor who played vampire slayers in old movies and is reluctantly drawn into the real-life vampire hunt.

When I got to see a sneak preview of the new flick at the Flashback Weekend horror convention in Chicago, I relished the opportunity to bash the re-do like a garbage bag full of rabid weasels. It turned out, however, that the movie is really good! In some ways, I grudgingly admit, it’s superior to the original.

The best move the filmmakers made was not try to recreate the original with a new cast, but instead to “re-imagine” it. That’s a cliche among Hollywood recyclers, of course, but this time they really did it, I promise.

MR. SMOOTH: In the original, Chris Sarandon as classy vampire Jerry used charm to snare his victims.

Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge was a sexy, suave sophisticate who tries to charm his way into the home of Charlie‘s mom and into the pants of the teen’s girlfriend Amy. Colin Farrell’s Jerry is a sexy blue-collar bad-boy who takes a much more “hands-on” approach. At one point, Charlie’s friend Ed warns that Jerry is “like the shark in ‘Jaws’ ” and that’s how Farrell plays him. As an animal: an air-sniffing, impulsive, instinct-driven beast.

FERAL FARRELL: Colin plays the vampire as a beer-swilling blue-collar bad boy.

Some of the changes plug plot holes in the original film. In the ’85 version, it took a real leap of faith to believe that intelligent Charlie — or anyone else older than six — would think that because Peter Vincent played a vampire killer in movies, he would be of any use combatting a real vampire. The new Peter Vincent is a flashy Las Vegas magician who has written extensively on vampires and has amassed a vast collection of tools for fighting them. David Tennant plays him brilliantly, as a boozing, flamboyant, Russell Brand-like jerk.

DAVID TENNANT channels Russell Brand, not the late Roddy McDowell, as obnoxious new Peter Vincent.

In the original, Charlie’s sidekick “Evil” Ed was a fun-loving wiseass played by charismatic young Stephen Geoffreys. I always thought it odd that when Jerry corners Ed and attempts to seduce him into vampirism, he tells Ed how he’d never have to worry about not fitting in anymore. To me, Ed seemed like a cool, funny dude I’d love to hang out with in high school.

WISECRACKING Evil Ed (Geoffreys) was a cool dude in the original.

By contrast, the new Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is a classic sexless nerd, with big glasses and a penchant for Dungeons and Dragons-type imaginative games. Charlie’s wussiness actually becomes a central element of the plot. Here he’s a recovering nerd with a hot new girlfriend who is trying desparately to ditch his old “geek” buddies like Ed. When Ed warns Charlie that he suspects Jerry is a vampire, Charlie (Anton Yelchin) ignores him, saying he’s too old for geeky make-believe games. Ed has his run-in with Jerry and vanishes — a turn of events now moved to the beginning of the film. Charlie feels responsible and must make things right. Thus the “stakes” are raised.

In the original, it was highly suspect that Charlie’s girlfriend Amy could be restored to normal after having been transformed into a bloodsucking vampiress with gianormous fangs. In the update, there’s an explanation given for the potential cure.

POINT OF NO RETURN? In the 1985 version, Charlie's sweetheart Amy develops a taste for human blood.

It was a bit peculiar in the ’80s version that Charlie’s mom remains oblivious to the danger and mayhem, literallty sleeping through much of the action. In the remake, she gets involved, big time.

Charlie (Anton Yelchin) and his girlfriend Amy (Imogen Poots) suspect that hunky neighbor Jerry is not what he seems.

The new movie does introduce a few plot holes of its own. Charlie inexplicably ventures into Jerry’s house, unarmed, in the middle of the night, knowing full well the vampire could return any moment. The fact that kids are vanishing from the school doesn’t raise any public alarm. (Ed’s own parents don’t seem to notice his absence). In the original, Charlie makes repeated and considerable efforts to get help from the police before taking matters into his own hands. This go-around, Charlie gives up on getting help from the authorities even after Jerry… well, let’s just say he breaks a few local ordinances.

In the original, crosses are useless against Jerry when wielded by someone lacking faith. Here there’s no explanation given as to why they’re ineffective.

So, overall, four stakes up for “Fright Night,” the remake. Hey, maybe I should keep an open mind about Farrell’s next visit to the recycling bin: filling Arnold’s shoes in another of my favorites, “Total Recall.”

ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…

My werewolf novel is selling like gangbusters! You can order an eBook for just $5 at http://freedomshammer.com. If that would bust your budget, BEG your local librarian to order a copy. Tell her it’s the perfect book for Halloween.

In two weeks, I’ll be heading to Horrorfind, a big horror convention in Gettysburg, PA. I’m busy gathering interesting werewolf-oriented props to take — so if you have any ideas, leave a comment. The last festival, Flashback Weekend, was a hoot. Here, as promised, is footage from Flashback Weekend’s Zombie Pin Up Pageant, hosted by John La Flamboy, star of the upcoming horror flick, “The Mole Men of Belmont Avenue.” If images of hot girls in full zombie makeup prancing around in skimpy clothing, flashing their undies and gratutiously bending over offends you, do NOT view this video. Vote on your favorite below:

And the winners are…

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