Archive for the ‘zombie movies’ Category

ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY.   Leave a comment

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.

“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.

“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”

In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.

“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”

Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.

Walking Dead Hardcore

LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!

 

In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.

“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.

“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”

But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.

“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.

“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”

Zombie sexy

DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.

Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.

“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

THE 100 CRAZIEST ZOMBIE MOVIE TITLES OF ALL TIME   1 comment

Watch the skies!

By C. Michael Forsyth

There are basically two types of zombie movies. The kind that sound pretty good so you go see them and the kind that have such ridiculous titles you HAVE to see them!

Below is a list of the 100 wackiest zombie movie titles of all time:

Wiseguys vs. Zombies
Mark Of The Astro Zombies
Dead and Too Stupid to Know It
Retardead
Juan of the Dead (Cuba)
Holy Virgin Vs. the Evil Dead
Stag Night of the Dead
Jesus H. Zombie
The Legend of Zombie Road
Zombie Commando
Zombie Cheerleader Camp
Brunch of the Living Dead
Zombiegeddon
Die You Zombie Bastards!
Zombies on Broadway
Dorm of the Dead
Swamp Zombies
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies
The Quick and the Undead

“You’ll sleep with the fishes…again.”

Zombie Dearest
The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made
Vampires Vs. Zombies
Zombie Farm
ZA: Zombies Anonymous
Zombie Brigade
Zombie Honeymoon
Zombie Island Massacre
Zombie Women of Satan
I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.
Invasion of the Not Quite Dead
Dead and Deader
Zombie Campout
Big Tits Zombie
Ninjas vs. Zombies
Redneck Zombies

Give me a Z…

Zombies Gone Wild
Zombie Strippers
Boy Eats Girl
Zombie Roadkill
Zombies, Zombies, Zombies
A Virgin Among the Living Dead
Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors
Kung Fu Zombie
Enter the Zombies
Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood

No exploitation here.

Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom
Zombie Vegetarians
Zombies Vs. Mardi Gras
Vengeance of the Zombies
Zombie Ninja Gangbangers
Wrath of the Zombies
Silent Night, Zombie Night
Trailer Park of Terror
Ghouls Gone Wild
Giant of Evil Island
Tombs of the Blind Dead
Schoolgirl Apocalypse
Summer Among the Zombies
Space Zombie Bingo
Romeo & Juliet vs. The Living Dead
Punk Rock Zombie Kung Fu Catfight
O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown

Looks like C. Thomas Howell’s career isn’t coming back from the dead anytime soon.

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid
Rising Up: The Story of the Zombie Rights Movement
Motocross Zombies from Hell
Flesh Eating Mothers
Night of the Living Babes
Nudist Colony of the Dead
Night of the Living Heads
Eat the Parents
Entrails of a Beautiful Girl

Can she make a dead man come back for more?

Zombies of the Stratosphere
Confederate Zombie Massacre!
Onechanbara: Zombie Bikini Squad
Hood of the Living Dead
Z: A Zombie Musical
ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction
The Naked and the Living Dead
Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre
Nympho Zombie Coeds

 

“We no make Olympic swim team, but we make plenty zombie kill dead.”

Oasis of the Zombies
Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island
Hamilton Carver – Zombie P.I.
I Eat Your Skin
Urban Scumbags vs. Countryside Zombies
Living Dead in Denmark
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
Platoon of the Dead
Gay of the Dead
Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Undead (AKA Inglorious Zombie Hunters)
Knight of the Living Dead
Teenage Zombie House Massacre
I Spit on Your Rave
Hard Rock Zombies
Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer
Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels
The Harvard Zombie Massacre
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead

Thomas Haden Church battles an implacable and furry foe.

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane
Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love
Fast Zombies with Guns
The Corporate Zombie Killers
Biker Zombies from Detroit
Devil Fetus
Deadheads
Gangs of the Dead
The Drunken Dead Guy
Mad Doctor of Blood Island
The Horror of Party Beach
Dead Clowns
Beverly Hills Bodysnatchers
Die and Let Live
Night of the Living Schlong

Bad enough they don’t shamble anymore. Now they’re carrying freaking GUNS?

Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town
Night of the Living Dorks
The Curse of the Screaming Dead
Gory, Gory Hallelujah
Dong of the Dead
The Bloodfest Club
Paris By Night of the Living Dead
Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies
The Book of Zombie
Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell
Bong of the Dead
Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned
Attack of the Flesh Devouring Space Worms from Outer Space
BFF Zombie
The Aliens and Kong Kong Zombie
Zombie Beavers

You can count on my former bosses at Troma to make a contribution to the schlock zombie flick genre.

 

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, the unthinkable happens. Then things get out of hand.

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The REAL Evil Dead: Nazi Zombies Raise Hell in “Dead Snow”   Leave a comment

THE FROZEN DEAD: Nazi zombies — I hate those guys.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Nazis are scary and evil. Zombies are scary and evil. Nazi zombies are twice as scary and evil, right? Not necessarily, as the movie “Dead Snow” demonstrates.

The Norwegian zombie flick is about a group of young medical students who take a fun holiday break in a mountain cabin – unaware that the snow-covered peaks are infested with the reanimated corpses of German troops who froze to death there during World War II. It isn’t long before the murderous Nazi zombies blitzkrieg the campers, who must fight for their lives.

The movie isn’t particularly frightening. Turns out that Nazis don’t become any worse by virtue of being walking corpses – they’ve already maxed out. And zombies aren’t any more evil because they’re Nazis. Regardless of their politics, zombies pretty much all do the same thing: Kill, disembowel and eat people.

The filmmakers had an opportunity to come up with a neat mythology explaining the German soldiers’ return from the dead. We know the Nazis were devotees of the occult. Or perhaps a Gypsy cast a curse on the mass-murdering troops. But no explanation is offered.

JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS: Nazi stormtrooper takes no prisoners.

Story logic is thrown out the window: The cabin has been in the family of one of the women for decades, yet she has no clue there’s anything dangerous about the area. In fact, she elects to get to the cabin by cross-country skiing instead of joining the rest of the gang in cars. The campers are warned about the Nazi menace by a creepy old geezer who stops by the cabin – yet he camps out in the middle of snow at night, only to become zombie fodder. The Nazis are drawn to their missing gold (an interesting, if not entirely original angle). Yet the attacks begin before the campers discover the gold. The zombie colonel (yes, the goose-stepping undead stormtroopers are still just following orders) commands hundreds of his men to rise from their snowy graves at once. But inexplicably, he waits till the end of the flick to do this, after dozens of the zombies have been picked off one by one.

The most original thing about the film is the setting, that forbidding snow-enshrouded wilderness. The landscape allows for set pieces I’ve never seen in a horror movie before. That scene when the undead horde suddenly rises from the snow on the orders of their mottled leader is especially effective. And you have to give the movie makers credit for braving the 15-degree weather, dangerous crevasses and foot-deep snow of the Scandinavian mountains to bring us the film.

ZEIG HEIL! Colonel Herzog is even more evil dead than he was alive.

The director Tommy Wirkola said in an interview with Cinema Junkie that he was imitating the style of Sam Raimi, creator of the slapstick-filled “Evil Dead” movies. The movie, he explained, was basically a chance to show Nazi zombies being killed in as many gory, over-the-top and humorous ways as possible.

“We tried to do Sam Raimi but in a new way and we just wanted a really fun, fun film. That’s it,” he explained. “We really didn’t bother too much about the rules.”

Sure, okay. I grew up on “Hogan’s Heroes”. I know how hilarious those bumbling Nazis can be.

Certainly there are some funny moments: After one of the campers is bitten on the arm, he hacks it offf with a chainsaw (a tribute to Bruce Campbell in “The Evil Dead”). As he stands there grinning triumphantly, a zombie emerges from the snow and bites his “wedding tackle.” He and his companion trade dismayed “Oh, oh, what now?” looks.

The difference is “The Evil Dead” trilogy truly worked as both comedy and horror. The stories unfolded logically and you truly rooted for Bruce Campbell’s character Ash to survive. In “Dead Snow” the supernatural story simply doesn’t come together and you’re not particularly invested in the characters.

So, while there is some gory fun here, I’m afraid I can only give “Dead Snow” a two out of five swastika rating.

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A ZOMBIE BY ANY OTHER NAME? “The Crazies” is Back from the Dead.   2 comments

 

WE'RE THE GOVERNMENT AND WE'RE HERE TO HELP: Judy (Radha Mitchell) is taken under wing by Uncle Sam

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Generally, I’m not enthusiastic about remakes. Unlike many horror and sci-fi fans, I don’t thrill to news that a “re-imagining” is in the works of gems that were perfectly executed the first go-around, like “Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Total Recall.” Self-cannibalization is sickening to behold, so when I observe my own culture indulging in the act, I take a dim view of it. Did we really need “Halloween 2,” the sequel to the remake of a film that inspired nine sequels and spawned 147 knock-offs. (Okay, I confess I made that last number up, but you get the idea.) Did we really need to revisit “Friday the 13th,” a franchise that had already generated TWELVE films? Even that term “franchise,” when applied to an art form, betrays a grotesquely cynical and philistine attitude. But what really gets my goat is that this is an industry which prizes youth — a 40-year-old trying to launch a career as a TV writer is considered over the hill. No, executives are looking for “fresh” talent and ideas. Ha! I read that one of these young lions pitched the fresh idea of “ ‘Die Hard’ in an office building” — being so young and fresh that he’d never seen the original! You just know that somewhere a Hollywood bigwig is asking, “Is it too soon to remake the 1993 ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ movie?”  

That having been said, I loved “The Crazies“!

There are cases where there has been an amazing leap forward in technology (as with “King Kong“) or where the original was deeply flawed, or where society has changed so much that a remake can be justified. “The Crazies,” a remake of George Romero’s low-budget, Nixon-versus-hippie-era picture of 1973, falls into the last two categories. That little-known film featured stilted dialogue, poor pacing, and was made at a time when the thought that the federal government might not always be a force for good was a relatively new and alarming idea.

The updated “Crazies,” now on DVD, is a scary, crisply directed, action-packed thriller, that — divorced from the now-antiquated political discussion — consistently delivers the goods.

The plot in a nutshell: A military plane carrying a genetically engineered virus crashes in a swamp near a small Iowa town. Designed to throw enemy cities into chaos, the “Trixie virus” slowly drives the townsfolk mad, transforming them one by one into crazed killing machines. To contain the epidemic, the government cordons off the town and sends in droves of gas-masked storm troopers to round up both the sick and uninfected citizens, whisking them away to an unknown fate. The intrepid Sheriff David Dutten (ably played by Timothy Olyphant) leads a small band of survivors, including his pregnant wife Judy, as they try against all odds to escape the town without falling victim to the zombie-like plague victims or the marauding army goons.

Director Breck Eisner creates a creepy atmosphere, starting with an early scene in which the town drunk interrupts a friendly community baseball game by marching onto the field toting a rifle. The film boasts some thrilling set-pieces, such as the Sheriff’s encounter with a runaway bone-cutting saw. In one of most nail-biting scenes in  my recent memory, a character lies helpless, strapped to a gurney, while a madman lurches toward her, plunging a pitchfork into the chest of one fellow patient after another.

I like that, unlike many such flicks where the law enforcement officials are fatally slow on the uptake, the Sheriff quickly figures out what’s up. He makes all the right moves, beginning with shutting off the water that’s the source of the contamination (to no avail, needless to say).

I’ve always favored horror films that feature multiple menaces, as is the case here. The heroes must contend with not only the crazies and the trigger-happy soldiers, but also the threat from within. They must constantly ask whether their fellow survivors are becoming unglued due to the extreme situation — or because the disease has made its way into their brains. In some instances, all three threats are operating simultaneously, most memorably when a car wash is transformed into a hellhole of panic and mayhem.

Some will argue that “28 Days Later” trod the same ground, because those monsters, too, were not technically zombies but victims of a “rage virus.” But, apart from their accelerated speed, they behaved exactly like the shambling revenants of “Night of the Living Dead.” Here, interestingly, the infected talk and retain a good deal of their personalities, albeit dangerously altered — such as a trio of good ol’ boy hunters who take to hunting humans with guns after they lose their minds. The director’s choice in opting for makeup inspired by real diseases like rabies as opposed to the traditional rotting-corpse look also sets “The Crazies” apart from an ordinary zombie movie and lends the film realism.

Sure, we’ve been down this road before. So often, indeed, that it’s now a given that in the event of a plague, the government will round people up and put them in concentration camps. (Hey, some in the Sarah Palin crowd think Uncle Sam won’t even wait for a plague!) The 2008 movie “Quarantine,” in which the quasi-zombie outbreak takes place in an tenement, amped up the terror-level by introducing a more claustrophobic setting.

But “The Crazies” is a genuinely frightening, well-made movie any horror fan would be out of their mind to miss.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved

GROOVY, MAN: Original 1973 version of "The Crazies" might really have been in need of an update.

George Romero would definitely approve of C. Michael Forsyth's novel.

Click HERE to learn all about Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One.

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