Archive for the ‘zombie humor’ Tag

Most Real Zombies Subsist on Berries, Nuts, Study Shows   Leave a comment

Zombie herds typically forage for berries, nuts and low-hanging fruit.

Zombie herds typically forage for berries, nuts and low-hanging fruit.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Surprise! Most real-life zombies subsist on a diet of berries and nuts, researchers now say – a far cry from Hollywood’s depiction of them as fierce cannibals.

“Zombies are what anthropologists call gatherers,” explains Dr. Henry Coblinsaw, chief author of a recently published study. “Their digestive system has atrophied, making it very difficult to digest meat. And because of their familiar shambling gait, chasing game such as deer or stray dogs is not an option, likewise humans, of course.”

Climbing trees is also impossible, so only low-hanging fruit is on the menu. Wild berries and nuts that have fallen to the ground are a zombie’s most commonly consumed food source.

“An Arizona zombie that was dissected in 2012 was found to have six walnuts in its stomach,” the expert reveals.

"No thanks. Have any walnuts?" Real zombies do not eat rats, contrary to this scene in The Walking Dead.

“No thanks. Have any walnuts?” Real zombies do not eat rats, contrary to this scene in The Walking Dead.

In movies like Night of the Living Dead and the hit TV series The Walking Dead, zombies are shown ripping ordinary people apart and feeding on their body parts. But with slowly decaying muscles and low levels of adrenaline, real zombies simply don’t have the strength or energy to do that. According to the researcher, there have been only eight cases of zombies eating human flesh since 1905.

Brain damage due to the loss of oxygen between death and revival is another factor that explains their dietary restrictions.

“Zombies are quite docile, which is what made them such easily controlled fieldworkers in Haiti from the 1700s up until the 1930s,” notes Dr. Coblinsaw. “They rely on the most primitive instincts residing in the surviving areas of the brain. That means eating fruit, nuts and berries like our tree-dwelling ape-like ancestors.”

The only real hazard zombies present to normal people is when a herd ambles through a strawberry patch, field of corn or other crops.

“They are a real pest to farmers,” says the researcher. “They pass through a cornfield, stripping the stalks bare like locusts. The only solution farmers have found is to post ‘scarecrows,’ cardboard cutouts of figures with chainsaws or cricket bats.”

CARDBOARD cutouts like this one in an Iowa cornfield are used to ward off zombies and protect crops.

CARDBOARD cutouts like this one in an Iowa cornfield are used to ward off zombies and protect crops.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

Advertisements

WORLD’S FASTEST ZOMBIE SHATTERS 100-METER RECORD!   1 comment

QUCK AND THE UNDEAD: Zombie known only as Jacques is the fastest ever recorded.

QUCK AND THE UNDEAD: Zombie known only as Jacques is the fastest ever recorded.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — There are slow zombies. There are fast zombies. And then there is a blindingly fast zombie named Jacques who recently shattered the world record for his kind by running the 100 meters in 10:06 seconds!

The lean, French-born athlete pulled off the dazzling feat at the annual Undead Track and Field Tournament held in the Toussaint L’Ouverture Racetrack in Haiti, finishing many strides ahead of his eight competitors.

“Jacques’ astounding performance at this event demolishes the image of zombies as shambling and unfocused,” declared sportswriter Kevin J. Bracksley. “His speed was just a fraction of a second behind the ‘normal human’ record set by Usain Bolt in 2009.”

The remarkable “running dead” sports star is equally impressive in longer distances, recently clocked at 4.12 minutes in the mile.

Zombie racing is a tradition that dates back to the 18th century, when plantation owners would wager on their most fleet-footed undead field hands. Mark Twain, who saw one of the bizarre races on his many travels, wrote in 1896 that it was “sort of like a tortoise race, but less exciting.”

In the 20th century, the international tournament was expanded to include events such as the shot put and broad jump. Organizers hope that in future years, other athletic events such as beach volleyball will be added.

Zombies arrived from far away as Turkey to compete in the races held on November 14, brought by family members or handlers who’d purchased them. Jacques’ owner is a wealthy, unidentified British sports enthusiast whose team spent months training and conditioning the 6 foot 2, 160-pound athlete.

“Muscle break down and decay is very common among zombies and the lack of oxygen to the brain they suffer before revival usually means their motor control is shot,” explained Bracksley. “That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in competitive sports.”

Although Jacques’ full name has not been revealed, he reportedly was an avid marathon runner who took home several trophies in Europe before falling victim to a zombie outbreak in 2011. That background has doubtless aided the rotting runner, the sportswriter said.

“There’s such a thing as ‘muscle memory’ you don’t lose even when the higher centers of the brain are kaput,” he observed. “And I’d like to think that the competitive spirit that Jacques had before he crossed over is still flickering in that decaying skull of his, and that helped him across the finish line first.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

Zombie Cure on Horizon, University Researchers Say   1 comment

NEW HOPE FOR THE DEAD: Researchers may have solved riddle of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome.

ATLANTA — Researchers report that they are tantalizingly close to developing a treatment for zombism that could halt the widening epidemic.

“We are cautiously optimistic,” said microbiologist Dr. Emily Urthway, an infectious disease specialist. “We’re keeping our fingers crossed that we’re finally on the right track.”

The breakthrough follows the recent discovery that a parasitic fungus that turns ants into zombies is it itself vulnerable to a white fungus that destroys it. Experts believe this newly found “hyperparastic” fungus can be honed into a weapon against the parasite that causes cannibalistic zombism in humans.

“We’ve known since the 1990s that the fungus ophiocordyceps which hijacks the brains of carpenter ants is genetically quite similar to the organism responsible for human zombism, known medically as Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome,” explains Dr. Urthway.

“We believe that by culturing in the lab mass quantities of the hyperparasite that feeds on ophiocordyceps we can deal a death blow to the zombie epidemic. Our preliminary results are very encouraging.”

MAY one of God’s tiniest creatures hold the clue to a cure? A fungus zombifies ants, feeds on their brains and grows right out of their heads.

The ant research, based on examinations of the remains of 432 zombie ants in the rain forests of Brazil, was conducted by an international team of scientists, including top experts from Penn State and the University of Copenhagen, and was published in the respected journal PLoS One.

When an ant is infected by spores from the fungus, the organism swiftly takes control of the insect’s brain. The ant is compelled to leave the safety of its nest, climb a tree, latch onto a leaf and stay there, serving as little more than a fungus factory. Eventually its head splits open and spores rain down on unsuspecting ants below, spreading the zombie plague.

SCENES like this one, from TV’s “The Walking Dead” may soon be a thing of the past.

“Zombism in humans progresses in a remarkably similar fashion,” according to Dr. Urthway. “The fungus makes a beeline for the cerebral cortex, our center for information processing, decision-making and consciousness, and literally commandeers it.

“The organism feeds on gray matter and within a matter of days rational thought becomes impossible. Brain damage also leads to the classic ‘shambling’ gait associated with the disease.”

Brain funtion may be so impaired that sufferers fall into a catatonic state resembling death and don’t awaken until the foreign organism has seized control. Most sinister of all, the crafty fungus compels hapless victims to bite fellow humans, thus spreading the contagion.

SUFFERERS of zombism may experience headaches as fungus seizes control of their brains.

The first known case of Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome in the United States occurred in the early 1950s, when a woman who had “died” after complaints of a splitting headache sat up in a hospital morgue and lurched toward befuddled staffers. A minor outbreak in 1964 outside Pittsburgh is said to have inspired budding filmmaker George Romero, creator of “Night of the Living Dead.” The director also says he was influenced by Richard Matheson’s creepy horror novel I am Legend.

REAL LIFE outbreak in early ’60s influenced “Night of the Living Dead” and this remake.

Over the years, many conspiracy theorists have suggested that the “zombie bug” was engineered in a lab, perhaps by Nazi scientists bent on creating death-resistant super-soldiers. Others insist the Soviets were the culprits, or that the U.S. itself developed the organism as a germ warfare weapon to spread chaos in enemy cities and that it escaped from a secret lab. But most experts believe the organism is simply a naturally occurring mutation of ophiocordyceps.

RACING AGAINST TIME: Scientists take every precaution while studying highly infectious fungus believed to be responsible for zombism.

Fungi are notoriously difficult to eradicate, especially from the brain, and past efforts to cure zombified humans or formulate a vaccine have failed. Infection rates have reached alarming new levels since 2013.

Following a rash of high-profile reports of zombie-like attacks across the nations, the Centers for Disease Control issued a statement recently assuring the public that there is no need to panic.

“Trust me, whenever we issue a statement that there’s no need to panic, it IS time to panic,” admitted a CDC source. “We’re getting perilously close to a ‘tipping point’ with this epidemic. The hyperparasite approach sounds promising. Let’s all hope there’s still time to beat this thing.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Zombies aren’t the only menace facing mankind. The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel about werewolves. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.

%d bloggers like this: