Exact age of sinister relic is unknown, but some experts believe it is at least 13,500 years old.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — The infamous Pitchfork of Lucifer has vanished from a vault beneath a prominent Satanist church, and authorities are 99 percent certain that Vatican agents are responsible!

Without the sinister occult object  — seen wielded by the Evil One at Black Masses dating back hundreds of years — Satan will be virtually incapable of operating in the physical world, experts say.

“Here is some upbeat news for a change,” declared Dr. Robert J. Fecklerman, a professor of history and top authority on the occult. “Yes, there will continue to be natural disasters, like that earthquake in Japan, but evils on the scale of World War II won’t happen.

“The theft of his pitchfork pretty much puts Satan out of commission.”

The break-in occurred on April 21 at about 2 am, under the noses of more than a dozen security guards at the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light,  near the Golden Gate Bridge.

“The perpetrators have not been identified, but in the safe, in place of the stolen object, a small silver crucifix was left, which we’ve been advised is a calling card of Vatican operatives,” said Police Detective Brian McAdeems, the lead investigator.

The notorious Pitchfork has traded hands many times over the centuries, sometimes kept under lock and key by God-fearing guardians, sometimes in the possession of evildoers.

“It’s kind of like that football trophy the Bronze Turkey which has been stolen back and forth by pranksters at Monmouth and Knox colleges for decades,” explained Dr. Fecklerman. “Except that the consequences when this artifact changes hands are far more serious.”

Undead Dick Satan

The Devil is seldom seen in public without his trademark symbol of evil, as shown in the cult classic movie “The Undead.”

The origins of the mysterious occult object are unknown. One legend has it that the Pitchfork was forged in the fires of hell itself.  A scientific study conducted on the 46-inch long, trident-like relic in 1989 — when it was in the hands of good guys — revealed that it is made of iron, lead, mercury, scandium plus several unknown alloys, including two elements not found on the periodic table.

Historians say the Pitchfork of Lucifer first surfaced in during the Crusades, when Knights Templar loyal to King Henry III retrieved it from Muslim fanatics after the liberation of Jerusalem in 1229.

“During dark times like the Spanish Inquisition and the Reign of Terror, the Pitchfork was in the hands of devil worshippers,” explains Dr. Fecklerman. “During the Age of Enlightenment and the founding of the United States, it was in the hands of the Catholic Church and other proponents of good.”

In the early 1920s, the Roaring Twenties, when the world was at peace, the Pitchfork was safely tucked away in the hands of  Tibetan monks high in the Himalayan Mountains.

But in 1923, a band of German occultists belonging to a group called the Thule Society visited the monastery and, during an overnight stay, swiped the Pitchfork from their kindly hosts.

“One of these occult enthusiasts was a mediocre postcard painter who previously showed no particular leadership skills,” says Dr. Fecklerman. “With the Pitchfork of Lucifer in his possession, he grew in power with uncanny speed.

“That man’s name was Adolf Hitler.”

The theft from the nation’s most respected Satanist church was audacious and demonstrated a high level of sophistication, authorities say. To reach the vault, the perpetrators tunneled through 30 feet of rocky soil from the basement of a building across the street. Then they used high-tech laser tools to cut through the 12-inch-thick safe.

Satanists are crying foul, accusing police of being sympathetic to the thieves, and demanding that the culprits be apprehended and brought to justice.

“I seem to remember a line in the so-called Good Book about ‘Thou shalt not steal,’” remarked Jarvis Gretzen, Archbishop of the 12,000-member Satanist church. “In committing this crime, the Papists have committed the ultimate act of hypocrisy.”

Questioned by reporters, the Vatican refused to either confirm or deny that the Pope’s agents were involved in the theft.

A Vatican spokesman said simply, “Anything that demoralizes the worshippers of evil is a positive development.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

C. Michael Forsyth’s horror novel Hour of the Beast is “gripping and fast-paced,” critics say.


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