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VATICAN AGENTS STEAL SATAN’S PITCHFORK   Leave a comment

Exact age of sinister relic is unknown, but some experts believe it is at least 13,500 years old.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO — The infamous Pitchfork of Lucifer has vanished from a vault beneath a prominent Satanist church, and authorities are 99 percent certain that Vatican agents are responsible!

Without the sinister occult object  — seen wielded by the Evil One at Black Masses dating back hundreds of years — Satan will be virtually incapable of operating in the physical world, experts say.

“Here is some upbeat news for a change,” declared Dr. Robert J. Fecklerman, a professor of history and top authority on the occult. “Yes, there will continue to be natural disasters, like that earthquake in Japan, but evils on the scale of World War II won’t happen.

“The theft of his pitchfork pretty much puts Satan out of commission.”

The break-in occurred on April 21 at about 2 am, under the noses of more than a dozen security guards at the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light,  near the Golden Gate Bridge.

“The perpetrators have not been identified, but in the safe, in place of the stolen object, a small silver crucifix was left, which we’ve been advised is a calling card of Vatican operatives,” said Police Detective Brian McAdeems, the lead investigator.

The notorious Pitchfork has traded hands many times over the centuries, sometimes kept under lock and key by God-fearing guardians, sometimes in the possession of evildoers.

“It’s kind of like that football trophy the Bronze Turkey which has been stolen back and forth by pranksters at Monmouth and Knox colleges for decades,” explained Dr. Fecklerman. “Except that the consequences when this artifact changes hands are far more serious.”

Undead Dick Satan

The Devil is seldom seen in public without his trademark symbol of evil, as shown in the cult classic movie “The Undead.”

The origins of the mysterious occult object are unknown. One legend has it that the Pitchfork was forged in the fires of hell itself.  A scientific study conducted on the 46-inch long, trident-like relic in 1989 — when it was in the hands of good guys — revealed that it is made of iron, lead, mercury, scandium plus several unknown alloys, including two elements not found on the periodic table.

Historians say the Pitchfork of Lucifer first surfaced in during the Crusades, when Knights Templar loyal to King Henry III retrieved it from Muslim fanatics after the liberation of Jerusalem in 1229.

“During dark times like the Spanish Inquisition and the Reign of Terror, the Pitchfork was in the hands of devil worshippers,” explains Dr. Fecklerman. “During the Age of Enlightenment and the founding of the United States, it was in the hands of the Catholic Church and other proponents of good.”

In the early 1920s, the Roaring Twenties, when the world was at peace, the Pitchfork was safely tucked away in the hands of  Tibetan monks high in the Himalayan Mountains.

But in 1923, a band of German occultists belonging to a group called the Thule Society visited the monastery and, during an overnight stay, swiped the Pitchfork from their kindly hosts.

“One of these occult enthusiasts was a mediocre postcard painter who previously showed no particular leadership skills,” says Dr. Fecklerman. “With the Pitchfork of Lucifer in his possession, he grew in power with uncanny speed.

“That man’s name was Adolf Hitler.”

The theft from the nation’s most respected Satanist church was audacious and demonstrated a high level of sophistication, authorities say. To reach the vault, the perpetrators tunneled through 30 feet of rocky soil from the basement of a building across the street. Then they used high-tech laser tools to cut through the 12-inch-thick safe.

Satanists are crying foul, accusing police of being sympathetic to the thieves, and demanding that the culprits be apprehended and brought to justice.

“I seem to remember a line in the so-called Good Book about ‘Thou shalt not steal,’” remarked Jarvis Gretzen, Archbishop of the 12,000-member Satanist church. “In committing this crime, the Papists have committed the ultimate act of hypocrisy.”

Questioned by reporters, the Vatican refused to either confirm or deny that the Pope’s agents were involved in the theft.

A Vatican spokesman said simply, “Anything that demoralizes the worshippers of evil is a positive development.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

C. Michael Forsyth’s horror novel Hour of the Beast is “gripping and fast-paced,” critics say.

TO READ CHAPTER ONE OF HOUR OF THE BEAST, CLICK HERE

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I BORE SATAN’S LOVE CHILD – And He’s a Deadbeat Dad!   1 comment

 In “Rosemary’s Baby,” Mia Farrow gets knocked up by the Devil

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

SAN FRANCISCO – A former member of a prominent Satanist church has filed a $2 million paternity suit against its head honcho, Lucifer, charging that the Evil One has failed to pay child support!

Mandy Greakley, 31, claims that she was impregnated by the Devil during a sinister rite in 2005, and that since then she hasn’t received a dime from him. What’s more, her lawsuit alleges, he has never once visited their young son.

“Lucifer left me high and dry,” Mandy says bitterly. “When we were together, he promised me the world, but when he found out I was expecting, he pulled a disappearing act.

“He dumped me and little Kyle like so much garbage. I guess there’s a reason they call him the Prince of Lies.”

Satanist leaders vehemently deny the stunning accusation against their beloved lord and master.

“He did not have sex with that woman,” insists Dan Hogerman, a spokesman for the First Church of Lucifer, Angel of Light. “This individual is obviously very, very troubled. She needs professional help.”

According to legal documents filed in San Francisco Superior Court, Mandy first met the Lord of Darkness at a Halloween party hosted by the church. At first, the raven-haired beauty didn’t believe the mysterious stranger when he revealed his identity.

“At these gatherings, you meet a lot of guys who claim to be high-ranking demons, but turn out to be low-level minions, or worse, ordinary humans,” explains Mandy.

But after a few minutes, she concluded that the tall, imposing gentleman was the genuine article.

“He showed me his power ring,” she says. “I’d seen pictures of it in old books and I recognized it immediately.”

Mandy was quickly swept off her feet by the debonair Devil.

“He spoke with this sexy British accent and, with that cape and that neatly trimmed black goatee, he looked so distinguished, like a college professor,” she recalls. “We talked for hours and I was blown away by how knowledgeable he was about so many subjects, from fine wines to bungee jumping.”

Thus began a whirlwind romance that lasted about nine weeks.

“Despite the age difference, we found we had a lot in common.” Mandy says. “He likes Jerry Springer and so do I.”

The strange relationship was allegedly consummated on a stone altar at the climax of a black mass.

“Lucifer was a surprisingly sensitive and patient lover – and the things he could do with that tail,” Mandy recalls with a small smile. “At first, it felt awkward doing ‘the wild thing’ in the middle of a crowd of worshippers in hooded robes. But in no time, I was completely ignoring them.”

For two months after that, everything went on swimmingly. Mandy was treated like a princess by her doting boyfriend.

“Lucifer took me to the finest restaurants; we traveled to Cannes for the film festival and to the Caribbean. He even told me about things to come. He predicted that Barack Obama would be elected president, long before anyone had ever heard of him. ‘Lu,’ as I called him, told me that one day I would sit on a throne beside him and rule as his queen. And, naively, I believed him.”

The good times ground to screeching halt when Mandy took a home pregnancy test and discovered that she was in a family way.

“When I told Lu, I expected him to be overjoyed,” she remembers. “Instead, he gave a kind of little grimace. He assured me that he would ‘do the right thing’ and was going to marry me as soon as he could ‘make some arrangements.’

“Days went by, then weeks, then months, but I never saw him again. When I was at the hospital, in labor, I was sure Lu was going to show up with a bouquet of flowers and some balloons, but he didn’t. I cried my heart out.”

Initially, Mandy feared that as soon as the baby was born, church members would swoop down, spirit him away and raise him to become Satan’s heir. But she needn’t have worried.

“They’ve shown absolutely no interest in Kyle,” she reveals. “I haven’t received any financial support from the church – zero, zip, nada. They didn’t even send a teddy bear or a congratulations card.”

Mandy, who joined the 12,000-member-strong church as a 15-year-old runaway and describes herself as having been a devout Satanist, now feels betrayed by elders who once took her under their wings.

“I trusted them like grandparents and they stabbed me in the back,” she says.

The flower-shop employee faces an uphill battle in her fight for justice for Kyle. Satan’s cronies are throwing every possible legal roadblock in the way, according to her lawyer, famed feminist attorney Audrey Morkouvitz

“For example, we simply asked for a DNA sample from Satan to establish paternity,” says Mourkouvitz. “The church claims he doesn’t have any. That’s a flat-out lie, as any Bible scholar can tell you.”

The church has filed a motion to dismiss the case as a “specious” lawsuit.

“This young woman is obviously insane, greedy or both,” declares Lloyd. M. Frairwether, attorney for the San Francisco-based church.

“A lawsuit against Satan? It’s patently ridiculous. What’s next, is some brat going to sue Santa Claus for not bringing him the right Christmas toy? The plaintiff is going to be laughed out of court.”

Unfortunately, the crafty defense attorney may be right. Judges are generally loathe to hear cases involving the supernatural, legal analysts say – often throwing out suits from home buyers who weren’t told that they’d purchased haunted houses.

But if the case does see the light of day in court, Lucifer’s goose may be cooked.

“If you have a plucky single mom pitted against Satan and his horde of wicked followers, who do you think a jury is going to side with?” observes one top legal eagle.

Contrary to the “Omen” movies, in which Satan’s spawn Damien has evil powers and rises to become the Antichrist, 4-year-old Kyle shows no signs as yet that he will follow in his father’s hoof steps.

“He can be mischievous sometimes and has trouble sharing his toys, but a lot of children his age are like that,” says his loving mom.

And even if her lawsuit fails, spurned Mandy plans to get sweet revenge on her former lover.

“I’m going to enroll Kyle in Catholic school,” she reveals with a laugh. “I know that will drive Lucifer crazy!”

Copyright 2010  C. Michael Forsyth

Check out the shocking and controversial book Hour of the Beast, by C. Michael Forsyth by clicking HERE.

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