By C. Michael Forsyth
TOKYO — A colorful Japanese fishing tycoon has launched plans to catch the Loch Ness Monster – and butcher the gentle sea beast for sushi!
Flamboyant Akio Hokkaido, 64, announced at a press conference that he has dispatched a fleet of small, specially equipped fishing vessels to the Scottish lake.
“Yes, if we brought the creature back alive, I could sell her to a big aquarium or zoo for perhaps as much as $250 million,” he told reporters. “But sushi connoisseurs will gladly pay through the nose for the opportunity to dine on the flesh of such a one-of-a-kind animal.
“As we all know, Almas caviar from Iran sells for $25,000 per kilo. Because Nessie is so much more rare, I expect sushi from her carcass to fetch ten times that much. My researchers estimate that Nessie weighs at least 76,000 kilos. At $250,000 per kilo, that makes her value close to $20 billion.”
Animal rights crusaders are outraged at the businessman’s plan and the announcement has sparked an uproar in Scotland, where the legendary sea creature is viewed as a national treasure.
‘The problem is that right now, there’s no law on the books forbidding the killing of the Loch Ness Monster,” reveals Mary Conacher, spokesperson for of the Glasgow chapter of the International Society for the Humane Treatment of Animals. “We’re hoping to get such a law pushed through Parliament, but there’s no guarantee we’ll succeed before Mr. Hokkaido’s goons arrive.”
Opponents are vowing to nip the fishing magnate’s sick scheme in the bud. Some have proposed that thousands of volunteers link arms around the 23-mile-long lake to block Hokkadio’s vessels from being loaded into the water.
“They can take our lives, yes, our freedom, maybe, but they cannot take our Nessie,” declared Angus MacHeath, president of the Scottish Heritage Foundation.
Hokkaido is no stranger to controversy. He was voted Japan’s “most hated man” in a poll, after he rejected a plea from officials to use his ships to evacuate people living near the Fukushima I Nuclear Power Plant when the massive 2011 earthquake caused a meltdown.
“He said he couldn’t spare the ships – they were needed to kill a school of baby dolphins in the northern Pacific,” recalls reporter Tomoko Yukio of the Tokyo Sun and Mail. “Hokkaido doesn’t have a black heart. He has NO heart.”
The tycoon brushes off such criticism, insisting that he has an “ethical duty” to investors to maximize any profit from the capture of Nessie. He vehemently denies that he is anti-environment.
“How can anyone say I have no interest in nature?” Hokkaido said at the press conference. “Would a man with no interest in nature drop an African lion from a helicopter to see if it could land on its feet?”
Catching the fabled Loch Ness Monster may be easier said than done. Over the decades, scores of researchers have scoured the lake with sonar and other special gear and have come up empty handed. But Hokkaido is coming loaded for bear. His six vessels are outfitted with state-of-the-art equipment including penthrite grenade harpoons fired from high-velocity cannons and high-tech electric lances powerful enough to instantly electrocute a blue whale.
“No one has invested this kind of money into the search for Nessie before,” points out British cryptozoologist Reginald Hurlington. “It would be a tragedy if that greedy SOB succeeds.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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