MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!
Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.
“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”
Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.
“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities.
“We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”
The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.
Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.
“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”
Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.
“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.
“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”
However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on
“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth