BOSTON — A titanic four-day battle between good and evil reached a dramatic climax when a plucky 82-year-old exorcist drove out the evil spirit that possessed the deadly Panties of Peril.
“Father O’Leary struggled to hold the cursed underwear down in a bathtub full of Holy Water, and he shouted, ‘Return to the evil pit that bore you, I command thee in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,’” says shaken eyewitness Laurence Wiskerbloom. “The water bubbled, turning boiling hot, then this hideous black cloud of smoke shot out of the tub and disappeared through the window.’”
The hero priest, Father Kirklan O’Leary, was bruised, battered and exhausted after ridding the notorious undies of the demonic entity. Expected to make a full recovery, he takes no credit for his victory.
“It was the power of the Almighty, working through me, that defeated the tool of Satan,” he said modestly in a phone interview from his hospital bed.
The Panties of Peril had been labeled the world’s most dangerous paranormal object by psychic investigators. Since 2010, they have been implicated in the deaths of at least 12 people, including eight women and one transvestite who made the fatal mistake of putting them on. Five previous attempts had been made to exorcize the lethal lingerie, all ending in disaster.
“Three of the exorcists — an evangelical minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo master — perished in the attempt,” confirms Dan Greavesby, an investigator from the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research. “The legendary demon hunter Rev. Jim Bookley — renowned as ‘The World’s Toughest Exorcist — went stark raving mad and is now in an institution. And the last Catholic priest to take on the panties vanished without a trace.”
The mysterious saga of the uncanny undies has perplexed and intrigued researchers the world over. The victims all died in bizarre “freak accidents,” as reported here. Although ordinary in appearance, the pink cotton panties have a dark and tragic past. Investigators traced them to a sweatshop in the Philippines that collapsed due to lax enforcement of safety regulations.
“Over 90 workers were killed, including one named Isagani Ocampo who was a practitioner of Kulam, a sinister local form of black magic,” explains Greavesby. “We believe that it is his vengeful spirit that possessed the panties.”
As the panties passed from owner to owner, they racked up an increasingly alarming body count, and were eventually turned over to the Institute for safe keeping. Just months later they were stolen from a titanium vault, and dropped out of sight.
Wealthy businessman Wiskerbloom bought the underwear at auction for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult.
“I didn’t believe the panties held any special powers, I was just humoring Bethany,” Wiskerbloom recalls. “When she tried to harness the panties’ energy in a ceremony, in a circle of candles, her robes caught fire and she burned to death. I knew from that moment that it was my responsibility to see that the monstrous evil in those panties was destroyed forever–even if it meant spending my entire fortune and devoting the rest of my life to it.”
Father O’Leary, a respected former exorcist trained at the Vatican, came out of retirement in his native Dublin only after Wiskerbloom wrote him repeatedly pleading for his assistance. The clergyman carried out the grim ritual in a guest bathroom of the millionaire’s mansion. He admits that for a while, it was touch and go.
“Every time I touched the panties, I felt an unpleasant sensation like an electric shock shoot through my body,” Father O’Leary says. “On the fourth day, I began to hear a snide voice inside my head, taunting me — even making crude sexual remarks about my sainted mother, God bless her soul.
“I summoned the strength to fight back, telling the possessed undergarment, ‘Well, you’re nothing but a cheap, flimsy pair of shite-stained granny panties!’”
Researchers have confirmed that the once-dreaded drawers are now harmless, measuring zero on a high-tech EMF meter that measures psychic energy. Their ultimate fate is now up in the air.
“Mr. Wiskerbloom wanted them shredded and burned, understandably,” Greavesby says. “I would like to see them on display in the Institute’s museum of cursed objects. But right now the Catholic Church has possession of them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they end up in that vast repository in Vatican along with so many other objects such as the Pitchfork of Lucifer — never to see the light of day again.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth