Choreographers, band leaders and military school drill instructors from across America are flooding the White House with suggestions for a unique new marching step for Donald Trump’s upcoming military parade. The proposed steps run the gamut from modified versions of standard marches to highly creative moves inspired by such sources as Hollywood musicals and animal gaits.
“It’s fairly common for world leaders to be honored with personalized marches,” says Eugene Chesterfold, who has choreographed parades for numerous feature films. “Most famously, Adolf Hitler’s troops used the Stechmarsh, better known as the Goose Step, and over the years many other strongmen including Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, Idi Amin, the Shah of Iran and North Korea’s current ruler Kim Jong Un have had distinctive marching styles developed for them.
“For President Trump, our team has come up with a step inspired by his own personal experience with the military. It’s called the Bone Spur Hop. A typical bone spur, like the one that kept Mr. Trump from serving in Vietnam, is the bump a lady gets from wearing high heels, and she may “hop” a bit to keep pressure off that foot. So, the first thing you’ll notice in our march is a jaunty little hop the soldiers take while walking.
“We’ve videotaped a dozen volunteers from the local high school doing the march and submitted it to the White House. Now we’re holding our breath, hoping that our step will be selected for the parade out of the thousands of other submissions.”
MILITARY MAN: Donald Trump’s vigorous days of drilling at boarding school actually gave him more military experience than most who served in Vietnam, the President says.
The Bone Spur Hop has plenty of stiff competition. The imaginative submissions include some drawn from Hollywood classics such as Yankee Doodle Dandy. Other marches are adapted from the stepping dances made famous by African-American fraternities, or incorporate the movements of movie monsters such as those in The Walking Dead, or animals including chimpanzees and roosters. A step called The Strutting Chicken is considered a strong contender for the Trump military parade.
CHICKEN STRUT: The confident stride of a barnyard rooster has inspired a step befitting our “cocky” Commander in Chief.
“Some of these videos just take your breath away when you picture our President standing at a reviewing stand and looking down at his troops marching by behind the tanks and missile carriers,” said a White House source. “Other videos you look at and you just say to yourself, ‘Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?’”
THE GOOSE STEP was popularized by Nazi madman Adolph Hitler.
The Goose Step is of course the most recognizable parade marching style. Troops swing their legs in unison off the ground while keeping each leg straight and unbent. Variations of it—some rather outlandish and flamboyant—are used by militaries in various nations in Asia, Africa and South America. But many other steps are used in military parades across the world. These include the Quick March, typically used by Scotland’s Highland regiments, which march to bagpipe music at 112 paces per minute. The Slow March, in which the feet are kept parallel to the ground and arms are never used, is the traditional step of the French Foreign Legion, and is also commonly used for funeral marches.
The militaries of India and Pakistan are known for their unique marching styles.
Are you interested in proposing a march for President Trump’s military parade? For inspiration, check out this footage of unusual marching styles from around the globe. When you’ve developed your step, recruit a group of friends to practice it. Video your routine and upload it to Youtube, then send the link to the White House . Or put your video on a DVD and mail it to:
Trump Parade Steps, The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Do you have a knack for design? Then you may be in line for fame, glory and cold, hard cash! President Trump’s new personal spy agency is in urgent need of a logo, and if the White House selects your design, you’ll win a whopping $100!
News that the White House is weighing plans for a private spy agency that answers only to the President was recently revealed by investigative reporters for The Intercept. Organized with the aid of experts from the shadowy mercenary outfit Blackwater, the elite corps of secret agents will be funded by wealthy donors. It’s reportedly being put in place to circumvent the NSA, CIA and the 15 other current U.S. intelligence agencies that Trump is convinced are out to undermine him.
Trump’s spy agency doesn’t have a name yet, but one early suggestion, The Research Espionage And Secret Operations Network, has already been shot down.
“The acronym was not a good fit,” an insider said. “All that’s for certain right now is that the first letter will be T, and so that should figure prominently in the design of the logo.”
In our fun contest, readers of this blog are invited to submit a simple drawing of a design for the emblem. Email your submission to freedomshammerpr@aol. com. Because a name has not yet been settled on, you can use “Trump Intelligence Agency” for now. We’ll select the five best designs, publish them on this site, then send them on to the White House. If the President and his team select your design, we’ll issue you a check for 100 bucks. You’ll also be able to brag to pals that your logo graces agency walls, stationary and rings. The deadline is January 1, so get cracking! To give you some inspiration, below are the emblems of some top intelligence agencies from around the world.
China’s Ministry of State Security. They torture you and an hour later you need to be tortured again.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service? Then you’re working for Britain’s famed MI-6
Our own CIA was considered the good guys–until now.
Viva La France! The General Directorate for External Security
Israel’s Mossad is one of the most effective spy outfits in the world.
The SVR is Russia’s external spy agency.
G’day mate, from The Australian Secret Intelligence Service.
Vladimir Putin keeps track of his foes with the FSB, Russia’s internal security agency.
Nigeria’s Defense Intelligence Agency keeps Africa safe.
The BND is the toughest German intelligence agency since the Gestapo.
[Note: Void where prohibited. All participants must be over the age of 7. Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions, Forsyth Industries and the Monolithic International Conglomerate are not eligible. The decision of the judges is final, unless overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court.]
If you enjoyed this article by novelist C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of mind-bending stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
U.S. President Donald Trump is reportedly set to establish his own private spy agency—and you can help come up with a catchy name for our leader’s new secret police.
“The Trump administration is considering a set of proposals developed by Blackwater founder Erik Prince and a retired CIA officer—with assistance from Oliver North, a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal—to provide the White House with a global, private spy network that would circumvent official U.S. intelligence agencies, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials and others familiar with the proposals,” The Intercept reports.
“The sources say the plans have been pitched to the White House as a means of countering ‘deep state’ enemies in the intelligence community seeking to undermine Donald Trump’s presidency.”
The President’s personal spy agency will likely have its own emblem, similar to that of the KGB, once run by Trump pal Vladimir Putin.
Blackwater is the shady mercenary outfit that played a key role in the occupation of Iraq. Its founder Prince already has a cozy relationship with Trump: his sister is controversial Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Trump’s personal spy agency will report only to the president and will be funded by wealthy donors. The Mission: Impossible-style secret agents won’t carry out operations against Russia. Instead, they’ll combat what Trump considers the “real” enemy: the CIA, NSA, FBI, Defense Intelligence Agency, Office of Naval Intelligence, Air Force Intelligence and all of America’s other intelligence agencies. And, unlike the CIA, no law will prevent it from pursuing targets in the U.S.
In the beloved TV series “Get Smart,” agent Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) worked for a secret organization named Control.
All that Trump’s spanking new secret police is missing is a name. Below are some possibilities. Choose your favorite, or if none catch your fancy, come up with a suggestion of your own. We’ll send the most popular picks in this poll, plus readers’ three most catchy suggestions, to the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., where President Trump himself will make the final choice. (Note: KGB has already been taken).
Soviet strongman Joseph Stalin created an elite security force called the NKVD.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — To keep Donald Trump’s tax returns from the public, IRS officials are securing them in an impregnable safe in a locked room no one is allowed to enter. But a top expert in keeping dangerous documents out of the wrong hands says that doesn’t go nearly far enough.
“That safe should be encased in a hermetically sealed titanium vault,” said Herman Klausgrove, an advisor to the Vatican. “The vault should be placed in the cargo hold of a submarine and the doors to both the cargo hold and the sub welded shut. The submarine could then be scuttled in the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench, with all records of the exact location shredded, then burned.”
THE MARIANA TRENCH, more than 7 miles deep, is literally the bottom of the sea.
Klausgrove is unquestionably the leading expert in the field. He is credited with concealing numerous books and manuscripts deemed unsafe for public consumption, many associated with the occult. These include Adolf Hitler’s personal copy of the notorious Oera Linda, said to contain powerful 4,000-year-old spells from Atlantis, and dubbed the Bible of the Third Reich.
Most recently, the expert deep-sixed the original copy of the Grand Grimoire, also known as the Red Dragon or the Gospel of Satan, purportedly written by Honorius of Thebes while possessed by Lucifer and discovered in the tomb of King Solomon. The Necromonicon-like book is chockful of blasphemous incantations, demon-raising rites and occult spells – including one potent enough to compel even a Pope submit to the Devil. While the age-old tome was long kept under lock and key in a secret Vatican archive, last year Pope Francis made the decision to hide it somewhere even safer.
THE GRAND GRIMOIRE, one of the most dangerous books on Earth
“The book is impervious to fire and even attempts to destroy it with acid and explosives have failed,” Klausgrove explained. “The only alternative was to put it somewhere it could never be found again.”
The crafty specialist refused to divulge anything about where he ferreted away the Grand Grimoire, but hinted that the public would be very surprised to learn the answer.
“Sometimes the trick is to hide an object in plain sight,” he said coyly.
Trump’s tax returns became a subject of controversy during the 2016 campaign, when unlike every other past presidential candidate, he refused to release them. At the time, the flamboyant real estate tycoon vowed that he would let voters see them once he was elected, but soon after he was inaugurated, a spokesman declared that the returns would never see the light of day.
CANDIDATE Trump swore that he would release his tax returns if elected.
There has been renewed interest in the President’s taxes after he pushed through a tax reform bill that could cut the money he pays Uncle Sam by an estimated $1 billion. Reporters have been eager to take a peek at the forbidden documents, one calling it “the Holy Grail of White House reporting.” But the IRS has redoubled efforts to keep them from the public eye.
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen recently told Politico magazine, “It’s in a locked cabinet in a locked room that nobody’s in. You’ll need a key to the room and the cabinet to get it. We’re in the process of turning that cabinet into a safe.”
But Klausgrove warns that a determined safe cracker might retrieve the documents.
“If the contents of those returns came to light, the fallout might be as devastating as reading aloud from any of the unholy texts I’ve hidden over the years.”
READING aloud from a forbidden book bound in human skin can have unforeseen consequences, as characters learn in the movie The Evil Dead.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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NEW YORK CITY — Anti-manspreading crusaders aren’t taking the problem sitting down. They’ve launched a nationwide campaign to snuff out the rude male behavior—by training guys to sit with their ankles primly crossed.
“In etiquette classes, properly raised young ladies are taught to sit with their ankles crossed—never with their knees spread wide, which is of course quite vulgar,” explained retired etiquette instructor Clarice Bowdlake, who spent her 30-year career at a girls’ school for manners. “It is time we teach men to do the same. There is no reason why even the most uneducated man cannot learn to sit with the grace and decorum of Queen Elizabeth.”
There is an epidemic of manspreading on public transportation, experts say.
NEW YORK CITY — Manspreading is when a man sits with his knees spread brazenly apart, particularly on a bus or subway seat when doing so takes up extra space. The inconsiderate conduct has become a bane of female commuters, who complain that they end up either having to stand or sit squeezed uncomfortably to one side.
The training program is the brainchild of activist Courtney Featherstein, who has pushed through numerous ordinances regulating manspreading across the country. Her organization Close Your Legs has hired dozens of expert instructors like Bowdlake to lead classes in 20 cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and D.C.
“Manspreading is more than just an affront to basic civility, it’s a primary symbol of male privilege,” Featherstein declared. “Men use it as a way to project dominance.”
Manspreading is used to communicate power, as in this case where two leaders vie to out-manspread each other.
The two-hour training sessions, which cost $140, don’t just cover sitting. Male enrolees are also shown the proper way to hold a teacup—one pinky extended—curtsey, avoid burping and other basics.
Many of the students are progressive men hoping to learn more sensitive behavior and earn points with their girlfriends. Others have been sent to the classes by forward-looking businesses that cough up the fee and give employees time off to attend. For now, participation is voluntary, but Featherstein hopes that one day soon, high schools will make such classes mandatory for all young males.
“I’d like to see it become as routine as taking a driver’s ed course,” she said.
American men need to be educated on the important issue, the activist revealed. Stunningly, many still don’t even know what manspreading is.
Admits Nick R., 35, of Bangor, Maine, “When I saw a headline with the word ‘manspreading’ in it last year, I thought it was some kind of new gay bedroom move, and I skipped the article.”
But ignorance and homophobia aren’t the only obstacles to stamping out manspreading. So-called “men’s rights” organizations have been whining that the whole movement is anti-male.
“I’d love to sit with my knees pressed together on a bus or subway, but we men have something between our legs we call testicles,” insisted Jerry Nogland, president of the Male Liberation Brigade. “These women are trying to create a society in which all men are effete wusses, like in that movie Zardoz. It’s not right.”
In the bizarre 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz, Sean Connery plays the last remaining masculine human on the planet.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!
“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”
Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.
“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”
A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.
“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”
But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.
“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?
“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to pass a bill easing restrictions on gun silencers, the International Society of Gentlemen Assassins is hailing the move–and is asking for equal treatment for other tools of the trade, such as cyanide capsules and poison darts!
“We’re pleased as punch that the government is taking action on silencers, which are so helpful in making it hard to tell where your shots are coming from,” said Dan Castlewick, a spokesperson for the prestigious 80-year-old organization. “Now is the time to make other essential weapons easier to obtain and reduce the hassle of using tried-and-true assassination techniques.”
The I.S.G.A. wants the law relaxed on the following items:
Razor-Edged Bowler Hats
Cyanide capsules
Poison Darts
Feeding to Piranhas
Cattle Stunners (Captive Bolt Pistols)
Car Bombs
Garottes
Tarantulas
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LOYALTY OATH: Saying the Pledge is already required in schools across America.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Good news for patriots! A new federal law will make it mandatory for every worker in America to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each work day.
The Defense of Liberty Act will require companies to allot two minutes every morning for workers in offices and on factory floors to salute a regulation-size flag and declare their loyalty to the United States. Furthermore, before any major event such as a company retreat, picnic or baseball game, the National Anthem must be played. Firms that fail to enact the policy face a stiff penalty of up to $3,500 per day.
The bill is still in committee, but lawmakers are confident that there will be enough votes for it to pass both the House and Senate, and that super-patriotic President Donald Trump will sign it into law.
“In the current environment, many Americans don’t feel comfortable exhibiting their love for this country. This law makes it safe to be a patriot again,” says conservative activist Newton Lartley, a strong advocate for the legislation. “When you hear all your coworkers saying the Pledge alongside you, just like in elementary school, you know that it’s OK to be proud of our flag.”
Not surprisingly, many ACLU types are up in arms, protesting that the act would violate the “rights” of citizens who aren’t all that patriotic. But supporters say that our number one priority should be encouraging devotion to America, the land of liberty.
Notes one Republican lawmaker, “It’s not asking a lot for Americans to, once a day, show their gratitude to this great land by confirming that we are indeed ‘one nation, under God, invisible.’”
FLAG-LOVING Donald Trump will go down in history as our most patriotic President, if allegations that he is a Russian agent are disproved.
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KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.
Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.
Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.
“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”
Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.
A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”
SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.
“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”
Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.
“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.
FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.
“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”
Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.
DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — Crafty C.I.A. spymasters are quietly working behind the scenes to “turn” Donald Trump – flipping the Russia-backed leader into an American operative!
“If we can pull this off, Trump could be the most effective, highest-level double agent in history,” a source was quoted as saying in the intelligence industry newsletter International Espionage Weekly.
Seventeen U.S. intelligence agencies have confirmed that Russia meddled in the November presidential election to plant the flamboyant tycoon in the White House. Shockingly, a dossier prepared by a British intelligence officer claimed that the Russian government used graphic video of Trump’s steamy sex acts with prostitutes to blackmail him into serving as a puppet of strongman Vladimir Putin.
“Perhaps Putin turned Trump into a high-level mole, but two can play that game,” the source said. “We’re confident we can recruit the President. Once on our side, he would be in the perfect position to mislead the Russians, providing them with false information on troop movements, missile plans and a host of other sensitive matters. Putin will think Trump is doing his bidding while just the reverse is true.”
The source admits that it’s hard to use standard C.I.A. techniques such as bribery to turn Trump, whose net worth is in the billions.
“It’s that old question, ‘What do you give the man who has everything?’ It’s a matter of figuring out what makes a person tick, and then using that information to engineer a defection.”
While Trump might become the world’s most famous double agent, many others have come before him. History.com recently put out a fascinating list of some of these daring spies who lived dangerous double lives.
ART OF THE DOUBLE CROSS: Backstabbing is a mainstay of the intelligence field, as fans of Mad Magazine’s “Spy Vs. Spy” know.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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