Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

HERO FIRES GUN INTO HURRICANE IRMA, SAVES FAMILY FROM SHARKS.   Leave a comment

 

sharknado

The movie “Sharknado” brought to light the danger of airborne sharks.

By C. Michael Forsyth

KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.

Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.

Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.

“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”

Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.

A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”

 

Irma sharks

SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.

 

“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”

Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.

“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.

FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.

“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”

Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.

 

Hurricane shooting

DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5

Advertisements

C.I.A. Scheming to “Turn” Trump — into an AMERICAN Operative!   Leave a comment

donald-trump-spy-magazine-06

REAL LIFE James Bond? Donald Trump looks great in a tux just like 007, as this 1998 magazine cover shows.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Crafty C.I.A. spymasters are quietly working behind the scenes to “turn” Donald Trump – flipping the Russia-backed leader into an American operative!

“If we can pull this off, Trump could be the most effective, highest-level double agent in history,” a source was quoted as saying in the intelligence industry newsletter International Espionage Weekly.

Seventeen U.S. intelligence agencies have confirmed that Russia meddled in the November presidential election to plant the flamboyant tycoon in the White House. Shockingly, a dossier prepared by a British intelligence officer claimed that the Russian government used graphic video of Trump’s steamy sex acts with prostitutes to blackmail him into serving as a puppet of strongman Vladimir Putin.

“Perhaps Putin turned Trump into a high-level mole, but two can play that game,” the source said. “We’re confident we can recruit the President. Once on our side, he would be in the perfect position to mislead the Russians, providing them with false information on troop movements, missile plans and a host of other sensitive matters. Putin will think Trump is doing his bidding while just the reverse is true.”

The source admits that it’s hard to use standard C.I.A. techniques such as bribery to turn Trump, whose net worth is in the billions.

“It’s that old question, ‘What do you give the man who has everything?’ It’s a matter of figuring out what makes a person tick, and then using that information to engineer a defection.”

While Trump might become the world’s most famous double agent, many others have come before him. History.com recently put out a fascinating list of some of these daring spies who lived dangerous double lives.

spy-vs-spy

ART OF THE DOUBLE CROSS: Backstabbing is a mainstay of the intelligence field,  as fans of Mad Magazine’s “Spy Vs. Spy”  know.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Building Wall to Keep Out Zombies — Not Mexicans.   Leave a comment

 

Wall zombies

ZOMBIES assault Israeli defense wall in movie World War Z.

By C. Michael Forsyth

EL PASO, Texas — U.S. President Donald Trump has a totally legitimate — and top secret — reason for building his $25 billion wall at our southern border: to keep the United States from being overrun by zombies!

“Most Americans think Trump Wall is a ridiculous waste of money, but if they only knew the truth, they’d want that wall built yesterday,” revealed a Department of Homeland Security source. “South and Central America are infested by the zombie plague and without a wall, tens of thousands of the walkers could soon come shambling across the border.”

The 40-foot-plus concrete barrier envisioned by the commander in chief might be ineffective against illegal aliens, who could easily tunnel under it — but if all goes according to plan, it will stop the undead horde in its tracks.

“Unlike Mexicans, zombies can’t use shovels to dig or prop up tall ladders,” explained the insider. “They’re incapable of that level of reasoning. This is the same reason we’ll be cutting funds for the Coast Guard to help pay for the wall. Zombies rarely arrive by boat.”

In the terrifying film World War Z, Israeli officials build an enormous wall to protect the nation’s citizens from zombies, but a massive mob of the flesh-hungry creatures manages to scale it. Luckily, crafty billionaire Trump has a battery of tricks up his sleeve to keep that from happening to his wall.

“The President was highly impressed by the defenses used in the Matt Damon movie The Great Wall,” the insider revealed. “Trump Wall will be defended by an elite guard that uses bungee cords to dive down and smash zombies’ heads with golf clubs. Another weapon will be bowling-ball type projectiles rolled off the top of the wall. We also plan to deploy archers armed with high-powered crossbows.”

WALL MATT DAMON

HERO ARCHER played by Matt Damon in The Great Wall defended China.

 

Some Democratic leaders privy to the real purpose of the wall have laughed off the scheme, arguing that it’s proof that Trump has “already cracked” under the mental strain of the office.

“There have been just six verified zombie sightings in the U.S. since 2010,” pointed out one high-ranking Democratic congressman. “Only two came from Mexico. The others were from Canada.”

But the White House insists it’s important to take the zombie threat seriously.

“Let’s not repeat the mistake we made with killer bees,” the insider warned.

The Africanized honey bee, better known as the killer bee, was first bred in Brazil in the 1950s in an effort to increase honey production, but in 1957, 26 swarms escaped. They gradually spread across South America, then into Mexico. Throughout the 1980s, scientists raised the alarm that killer bees were making their way north toward the U.S., but American officials ignored the doomsayers. Then in 1990, killer bee hives were found in Texas and the species is now a major problem in the southwest. When ticked off, the highly aggressive insects will chase a person a quarter of a mile and have killed some 1,000 humans, as well as animals as large as horses.

But the threat posed by zombies is far more grave, according to the DHS insider.

“A single zombie can infect five people before being taken out with a headshot,” he noted. “Each of those victims can infect five others and the number of cases increases exponentially.”

Experts believe the parasite that causes zombism was brought over from the Old World on the galleons of Spanish conquistadors in the 1500s. The plague spread gradually throughout South America and the first cases were recorded in Mexico in the late 19th century.

“In 1891, a posse of nine Texas Rangers pursued an outlaw across the border near Rio Bravo,” says historian Hugo Nubler. “They were ambushed by a zombie herd and only two made it back alive.”

The White House has used the “illegal immigrant” cover story to avoid panicking the public. But much to the chagrin of officials, word has leaked out. Rumors are now spreading like wildfire on the Internet and there is already a computer game in which the player takes on the role of the President defending Trump Wall from zombies.

“It’s all fun and games until TV viewers in the U.S. see images of thousands of zombies marching straight toward us,” warns the insider.

 

Trump wall zombie game

In bizarre new computer game, you play as Trump defending his wall from zombies.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

HOW TO BE A USEFUL IDIOT   1 comment

 

mr-bean

Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, is Britain’s favorite half-wit.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You don’t have to be some university egghead who discovers the next “God particle” to make a contribution to society. You can be just as useful as an idiot.

“From time immemorial, fools have played an important role in civilization,” points out sociologist Daniel K. Roelston. “In the Middle Ages, every community had a village idiot, who took townsfolks’ minds off of concerns such as the Black Plague. Kings had court jesters who eased the burden of absolute rule. Examples of this can be found as far back as ancient Egypt and in cultures as remote from the West as the Aztecs.”

Often dressed in colorful and outlandish garb, court fools could use mockery to point out flaws in a monarch’s plan, while advisors might face beheading for such criticism. They could also give bad news to the king that no one else would dare deliver.

jester1“For instance, in 1340, when English ships destroyed the French fleet at the Battle of Sluys, admirals of the French King Phillippe VI didn’t have the nerve to tell him,” reveals Roelston. “But his jester clued in the king with the wisecrack that ‘English sailors don’t even have the guts to jump into the water like our brave French.’”

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was advised by a series of half-wits known as “holy fools” who appeared at court from the countryside in rags. Their “nonsensical” babbling contained warnings of discontent among the peasants.

“I’m sure you remember that class clown in high school whose antics made mean and boring teachers bearable, and kept you from worrying about the big chemistry test,” Roelston says. “Now today perhaps you’re not very educated or bright, but you can play the same role. You don’t have to be a useless idiot, you can be a useful one.”

Here are five ways you can be useful to those around you, even if you’re dumb as a bag of hammers:

 

1. DISTRACT – While the boss is announcing upsetting news such as a wage freeze, get your coworkers’ attention with a sight gag or good old-fashioned pratfall.

2. DUMB DOWN – When the neighborhood brainiac tries to show off at the barbecue by talking about some highfaluting book he read, making everyone feel stupid, put Mr. College in his place. Show how little you value book smarts with a line like, “Personally, I didn’t think The Divine Comedy was funny at all. I read 40 pages and only laughed twice.”

3. DEFUSE – If your pals at work are angry because they’re losing their dental coverage, calm them down with a one-liner such as “Well I’ve always wanted to look British!”

4. DISPUTE – If a neighbor starts spreading word that the street is about to be rezoned, freaking everyone out, insist idiotically that “The Twilight Zone doesn’t really exist.”

5. DEFLECT – If a manger criticizes your division for “not giving it your all,” jump in with a funny line like, “You didn’t say that when Cathy got drunk at the Christmas party.”

“Just remember the Five D’s and you can’t go wrong,” the sociologist says.

trump-mocks-4

Russian officials have reportedly called President Donald Trump their “useful idiot.”

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Hired Clappers Can Help You Succeed at Job and Home!   1 comment

 

 

audience-clapping

Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!

“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.

“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”

Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.

“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”

A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.

“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”

When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.

“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”

 

trump-press-conference-3

Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.

 

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

You Can Land a Job Cheering For Trump   Leave a comment

 

trump-press-conference-3

Cheering enthusiastically for our new president is an easy way to earn cash.

 

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

You can rake in big bucks without lifting a finger, by landing a gig as a member of the presidential cheerleading squad! Cheering for the incoming president at press conferences – and booing reporters’ questions — not only renders an important service to our nation, it can be a lucrative and satisfying profession.

“Such cheerleading squads have been around as long as organized government,” says political science professor Peter K. Jortison. “For example, when the Roman emperor Nero acted on stage, he hired 5,000 men to applaud. In modern times, strongmen in many Third World countries, from Idi Amin to Manuel Noriega have used the approach.”

A group of people hired to applaud or heckle is known as a claque.

“It’s a French term that originated in the 19th century when professional applauders sat in the audience at Paris theaters and opera houses, paid to clap, laugh or even cry when appropriate,” reveals Jortison. “A member of a claque is called a claquer.”

At his January 11 press conference, President-Elect Donald Trump stocked the room with paid staffers ordered to enhance the session by cheering as he bashed reporters for asking him embarrassing questions. There will be work aplenty for such employees as long as the megabucks politician is in office, White House watchers predict. Although outsiders don’t know exactly how much those staffers earn, experts say that professional claquers typically make between $100 and $200 for a morning’s work – more than some Hollywood extras.

Political claquer was recently ranked one of the top five jobs in America, just behind mattress tester and brothel reviewer. Yet the job isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

“It’s like being a live-audience member at a sitcom who’s supposed to laugh at jokes whether they’re funny or not, but it’s far more demanding,” explains Jortison. “Besides laughing at the leader’s jokes you’ve got to be prepared to boo, blow raspberries, mumble in approval, yawn – whatever the situation demands. Obviously, you have to respond on cue. Cheering 15 seconds late will raise eyebrows and can distract the president.”

Landing a coveted spot on the president’s cheerleading squad isn’t easy. Patriotic Americans are lining up for the opportunity to serve the commander in chief when he takes office January 20.

“When you go to your audition, arrive early and be prepared,” advises a professional claquer. “Don’t have just one boo, have a variety to showcase your versatility. Show that you can understand hand signals and take direction. If a presidential advisor tells you to ‘snicker,’ don’t giggle.”

 

claquers

Professional applauders, known as claquers, have been around for centures.

 If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

18 Fun Activities For Muslims Hiding in Your Attic!   1 comment

twister

Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!

“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”

Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:

  1. Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
  2. Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
  3. Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
  4. Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
  5. Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
  6. Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
  7. Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.

    exercise-640x480

    A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.

  8. Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
  9. Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
  10. Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
  11. Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
  12. Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
  13. Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.

    ventriloquism

    Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.

  14. Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
  15. A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
  16. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
  17. Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
  18. Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”

    anne-frank

    We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

%d bloggers like this: