Pilgrim Descendants Now Demanding THEIR Own Registry!   1 comment


Plucky English settlers landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Move over, Muslims! Descendants of Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower are demanding that the government create a registry of every last one of them now living in the U.S.

“With all due respect to Muslim Americans, our group has had far more cultural impact on the United States,” declared Millicent Standish-Billingsley, coordinator of the  Pilgrim Registry Action Committee.

Tens of millions of Americans have at least one ancestor who was among the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in 1620 at what is now Plymouth, Mass. An organization called the General Society of Mayflower Descendants lists a small fraction of those bluebloods. To be included, people had to submit proof of their lineage to a historian for verification.

Said Standish-Billingsley, “Using DNA testing, it would be possible to create a comprehensive list of every single American descended from that group of plucky settlers. They have a right to know about their wonderful heritage.”

The push for a Pilgrim Registry began late last year, after then-candidate Donald Trump vowed to implement a Muslim registry if elected. Since then, many other groups have been clamoring for attention, including folks with Irish ancestry, Armenian-Americans, dwarfs and even mimes, all insisting that they also deserve special recognition.


THANKGIVING: A time when Pilgrims and Indians put aside their differences.

Unfortunately, the high cost of creating the proposed Pilgrim Registry — estimated at close to $60 million — may torpedo the plan.

“It’s an admirable goal, but at time when the national debt is rising, it’s very hard to justify the expense,” said an insider on the Trump transition team.

The following are the names of 29 adult Mayflower passengers known to have descendants. If you share a last name with one of them, you may deserve a place on the registry.

• Thomas Rogers
• Henry Samson
• George Soule
• Myles Standish
• John Tilley
• Joan (née Hurst) Tilley
• Richard Warren
• William White
• Edward Winslow
• John Alden
• Priscilla Alden (née Mullins)
• Isaac Allerton
• Mary (née Norris) Allerton
• John Billington
• William Bradford
• Love Brewster
• William Brewster
• Peter Browne
• James Chilton
• Francis Cooke
• Edward Doty
• Francis Eaton
• Moses Fletcher
• Edward Fuller
• Samuel Fuller
• Stephen Hopkins
• Elizabeth (née Fisher) Hopkins
• John Howland
• Richard More
• William Mullins
• Degory Priest

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

One response to “Pilgrim Descendants Now Demanding THEIR Own Registry!

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  1. You’ve always been one of the best satirists on the web, but you’re outdoing yourself with these political pieces. Jonathan Swift himself would be impressed.

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