Pedophiles Now to Be Called Ctrl-P   Leave a comment

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By C. Michael Forsyth

Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.

“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”

Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.

Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:

Shift-F9 = Serial Killers
P-Backspace = Peeping Toms
Tab-Alt-Delete = Blood Drinkers
Caps Lock-CH = Cannibal Hillbillies
Insert-DK = Prostitutes
F12-End = Mafia Hitmen
Enter-F4 = Insane scientists
PgUp-666 = Devil Worshippers
Command-U = Dominatrixes
$$$-Home = Loan Sharks
Com-@-End = Communists

It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.

“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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