HIGH-INTENSITY lights in new beds simulate lunar rays.
Embarrassed by uneven patches of fur, many female werewolves are now using “moon ray” tanning beds to achieve an all-over coat of hair. The high-tech gizmos simulate lunar rays and bombard the nude user from all sides, ensuring that hair sprouts evenly.
“Our clients are thrilled,” said Celeste Kiflinger, whose Spectral Salon is one of six specialty spas in Los Angeles area where the beds are available. “They feel much more confident romping at night with a full, lustrous coat.”
Typically, lycanthropes are exposed to the full moon when fully dressed, and exposed tissue on the face, neck and arms gets a higher dose. A bare midriff or skin below the knees when a woman is in a skirt may also receive more lunar rays, causing greater hair growth.
EVERY female werewolf longs to have lush, evenly distributed hair like North Korea’s famed Wolf Girl, believed to suffer from hypertrichosis.
“It’s like watering some parts of a lawn more than others; the grass of course grows higher in those spots,” explained Kiflinger. “When the werewolf’s clothes finally rip away, you get that ‘crazy fur’ look, with wild overgrowth on one part of the body and bare patches on another. Males typically aren’t that bothered by it, but our mostly female clientele find it embarrassing.”
Technically, a moon ray is simply a beam of sunlight that has bounced off the moon. How its properties are altered by that reflection — which takes just microseconds — is a mystery science has not yet solved.
“We are only now discovering the many ways that the moon affects life on Earth,” noted an expert. “For centuries astronomers have known that its gravitational pull is responsible for tides and we’re all familiar with those studies that show criminal behavior increases during the full moon. How precisely it triggers lycanthropic transmutation remains a riddle.”
HIGH TECH moon ray beds resemble ordinary tanning beds.
The tanning beds are modified versions of those used by ordinary folks across the nation in salons and in their homes. A 30-minute session typically runs around $88.
“I am so satisfied with the treatments,” said Kelly R., a 35-year-old office worker who asked that her last name be kept confidential. “Before, loping through the park at night, I tended to stay in the shadows because my fur was so unsightly and I was ashamed of my appearance. Now I feel a lot better about myself when it’s ‘that time of the month.’”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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SPEAKING OF WEREWOLVES …
The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.
EVEN GOOD GIRLS can become werewolves, as illustrated here by artist Kacey Miyagami
By C. Michael Forsyth
BUDAPEST, Hungary – When police found a stark-naked woman asleep on a park bench and arrested her for indecent exposure, she offered a novel excuse for her undignified state. The buxom blonde claimed that she’s a werewolf who shed her clothes to romp under the full moon the night before!
“In my 32 years on the bench, I thought I’d heard everything, but this takes ‘weird’ to a new level,” Judge Bartalan Gyori declared.
Irenke Fodor, a 28-year-old factory worker, was discovered on the east side of Varolsliget Park on the morning of October 17, police say.
“She was sprawled out with her legs wide apart, completely naked,” says police officer Peterke Bakos, who made the eye-popping discovery while on patrol with his female partner. “Her hair was a tangled mess, full of leaves, and her body was caked in mud. She was snoring loudly and it took several pokes with our batons to rouse her.
“We naturally assumed she was a party girl who’d had one too many at one of the local bars, stripped and went frolicking in the park.”
Fellow officer Anasztaizia Kardo says, “It was disgusting. She looked like a kurva (total skank). When we finally woke her, she leapt up and tried frantically to cover up her wares – as if she hadn’t put them on lewd display the night before. I frisked her, while my partner read the filthy little hussy her rights.”
The cops slapped handcuffs on the buck-naked beauty and carted her off to jail. It looked like an open and shut case – until Irenke’s lawyer stunned the courtroom at a preliminary hearing.
“My client’s position is that her garments were torn off when, without her volition, she transformed into a werewolf,” attorney Rezso Jozsa told the judge. “There was no criminal intent to expose herself indecently.”
The case has created a stir among court-watchers and Irenke has become a minor celebrity, nicknamed the “Naked Wolf Girl” by courthouse wags.
Due to harsh laws dating back to the werewolf panic of the 1700s, the young woman faces up to six years behind bars, should she plead guilty to the “crime” of lycanthropy. That’s a far stiffer penalty than the 30 days in jail and 100,000 forint (about $500 U.S) fine she would likely receive if convicted for the first time of indecent exposure. Yet, ignoring her attorney’s pleas, she stubbornly intends to cop a plea to the more serious crime at her next hearing, set for November 24.
“I want people to know that I am a decent woman,” Irenke told a reporter adamantly. “I am not some boozing slut.”
Copyright 2010, C. Michael Forsyth
SEXY AND TERRIFYING: Hour of the Beast by C. Michael Forsyth is “gripping and fast-paced,” critics say.
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