Archive for the ‘nudity’ Category

Werewolves Using Moon Ray Tanning Beds to Get All-Over Fur   Leave a comment

Embarrassed by uneven patches of fur, many female werewolves are now using “moon ray” tanning beds to achieve an all-over coat of hair. The high-tech gizmos simulate lunar rays and bombard the nude user from all sides, ensuring that hair sprouts evenly.

“Our clients are thrilled,” said Celeste Kiflinger, whose Spectral Salon is one of six specialty spas in Los Angeles area where the beds are available. “They feel much more confident romping at night with a full, lustrous coat.”

Typically, lycanthropes are exposed to the full moon when fully dressed, and exposed tissue on the face, neck and arms gets a higher dose. A bare midriff or skin below the knees when a woman is in a skirt may also receive more lunar rays, causing greater hair growth.

EVERY female werewolf longs to have lush, evenly distributed hair like North Korea's famed Wolf Girl, believed to suffer from hypertrichosis.

EVERY female werewolf longs to have lush, evenly distributed hair like North Korea’s famed Wolf Girl, believed to suffer from hypertrichosis.

“It’s like watering some parts of a lawn more than others; the grass of course grows higher in those spots,” explained Kiflinger. “When the werewolf’s clothes finally rip away, you get that ‘crazy fur’ look, with wild overgrowth on one part of the body and bare patches on another. Males typically aren’t that bothered by it, but our mostly female clientele find it embarrassing.”

Technically, a moon ray is simply a beam of sunlight that has bounced off the moon. How its properties are altered by that reflection — which takes just microseconds — is a mystery science has not yet solved.

“We are only now discovering the many ways that the moon affects life on Earth,” noted an expert. “For centuries astronomers have known that its gravitational pull is responsible for tides and we’re all familiar with those studies that show criminal behavior increases during the full moon. How precisely it triggers lycanthropic transmutation remains a riddle.”

HIGH TECH moon ray beds resemble ordinary tanning beds.

HIGH TECH moon ray beds resemble ordinary tanning beds.

The tanning beds are modified versions of those used by ordinary folks across the nation in salons and in their homes. A 30-minute session typically runs around $88.

“I am so satisfied with the treatments,” said Kelly R., a 35-year-old office worker who asked that her last name be kept confidential. “Before, loping through the park at night, I tended to stay in the shadows because my fur was so unsightly and I was ashamed of my appearance. Now I feel a lot better about myself when it’s ‘that time of the month.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

SPEAKING OF WEREWOLVES …

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

Dumb Robbers Caught Nude When “Invisiblity Cream” Fails!   Leave a comment

INNOCENT until proven guilty: Alleged would-be jewel thief is led off by Athens police. His face is blurred in this photo courtesy of the Athens Civic Journal.

By C. Michael Forsyth

ATHENS, Greece — A gang of dimwitted thieves conceived the perfect crime when they coated themselves with an invisibility cream sold to them by an elderly Chinese herbalist, then waltzed into a jewelry store naked, certain that they couldn’t be seen.

But the brazen daylight heist turned into a humiliating fiasco because the magic cream was bogus!

The five crooks – who had doffed their duds so their clothes wouldn’t be seen – were busted by police less than 30 seconds after they exited the store in the historic The Plaka district.

“The gang leader Aristotle Panagakos has a reputation in this city as something of a criminal mastermind,” said police spokesman Sgt. Demitri Stathopolos. “The failure of this particular caper exposed his shortcomings.”

The three men and two women have been charged with robbery. Panagakos, interviewed in jail, told a reporter that all seemed well when he and his four cohorts entered the Megalos Jewelry Store off Adrianou Street.

“The sales people did not react to us and we were certain we were invisible to them,” he recalled. “Only when we walked out and I saw policewomen gawking at my privates and giggling, did I realize that something had gone awry.”

Cops from a special police task force, who’d been tipped that a robbery might be going down at one of the many jewelry stores in The Plaka, had instructed employees in the area to remain calm and press a silent alarm if they saw any sign of trouble.

“It was a little difficult keeping a straight face when those people came in, naked as the day they were born, and started poking about in the displays,” explained store manager Callidora Deiphobus. “But I did as the authorities instructed us and triggered the alarm. By the time the thieves left with armfuls of diamond necklaces and gold rings, the police were outside.”

Superstition is common among Greek criminals, who often purchase from Gypsies amulets to ward off police, experts say.

According to a statement given to the police by ring leader Panagakos, the robbers bought the “invisibility cream” from a Chinese herbalist named Chin Ho who purportedly sold magic potions.

“His nephew, a cat burglar I met at a bar, assured me that he had used the cream successfully many times,” Panagokos told cops. “I paid him a handsome sum, 7,700 Euros (about $10,00 U.S.). Now, of course, I realize the whole thing was a rip-off.”

naked woman

BUNS BARING BANDIT: Suspect Phoena Zervas was angered to learn that her gang had been hoodwinked.

 

24-year-old Phoena Zervas, the youngest member of the ring, was quickly covered in a coat by arresting officers a few yards from the store.

She is furious at Chin Ho, whom she now regards as an “a liar and an evil charlatan.”

“The morning of the robbery, the little old Chinaman came to our hideout with jars of the magic cream,” the bosomy brunette said in a jailhouse interview with a Greek TV station. “Chin Ho – if that’s his real name — explained that people wearing the cream could see each other, but no one else could.

“He offered to apply the cream to my body so that I wouldn’t miss a spot. I took him up on the polite offer because he assured me that because he wasn’t wearing the cream he couldn’t see me nude.

“Now I know that not only could he see every inch of me, I let that old pervert rub his slimy hands over me from head to toe. I feel like a fool.”

The crafty con artist remains at large.

“He is doubtless pulling his scam on other gullible criminals,” said Sgt. Stathopolos. “We’re not optimistic about finding him. And even if we do, we’re not sure what crime we could charge him with. All he did was sell some idiots goo that we have discovered to be 90 percent petroleum jelly.”

UNLIKE the dimwitted jewel thieves in this weird crime story, Fantastic Four superhero Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) really can turn invisible.

Copyright C . Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Invisiblity may not be real, but werewolves are! The author of this article has written a critically acclaimed horror novel. The Horror Fiction Review raves that Hour of the Beast is a “rip-snorting, action-packed sexy college romp.”

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE!

Conservative “Lady Godiva Coalition” to March on D.C. NUDE to Protest Taxes   Leave a comment

LADY GODIVA, seen here in this famous painting by John Collier, was the first to use nudity to protest taxes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A group of staunchly conservative women has laid bare a bold plan to protest high taxes. They’ll march through Washington with picket signs  – buck naked!

The Lady Godiva Coalition, as the anti-tax crusaders call themselves, announced yesterday that they will strut their stuff on April 17, Tax Day.

“We expect at least 40,000 women to converge on the Capitol,” says organizer Yvonne Merghell. “These are women who strongly believe in family values and that getting to keep what you earn is one of those values.”

Some of the most prominent female conservatives in the country may join in the flesh-flaunting procession. Invites have gone out to dozens of pundits including Ann Coulter, Tomi Lohren, Michelle Malkin, Stacey Dash, Lila Rose and Katie Pavlich, but no word yet if any of them will attend.

“We’re crossing our fingers that some big names will make an appearance,” reveals Merghell. “We’ve already had some positive responses but we’ll have to wait and see who actually shows up. If some ladies chicken out at the last minute I’ll certainly understand.”

The organization takes its name – and its inspiration — from the 11th century English noblewoman Lady Godiva, who protested her husband’s plan to raise taxes by riding naked through the city of Coventry. The shocking strategy worked like a charm. Her mortified mate Leofric, Earl of Mercia, hurriedly scuttled the tax hike.

This isn’t the first time activists have stripped to bring attention to a cause. Left-wing environmental, anti-war and animal-rights groups – most notably PETA – have resorted to buns-baring tactics many times over the past few decades. But it’s the first time on record that right-wing females have doffed their duds en masse in protest.

“When we first started phoning women’s organizations around the country, asking for support, we were met with some skepticism,” admits Merghell. “The chairwoman of the Southern Baptist Church Ladies League was especially hesitant. But once she understood what an important cause this was, she agreed to put it to a vote and the members agreed to participate by an overwhelming margin.”

AU NATUREL: Animal rights groups have been protesting in the all together for years.

Liberals are furious that conservatives are stealing a page from their book. Many vow to shutter their office windows to show their disdain for what they brand a “silly publicity stunt.”

“I plan to be out of town that day and so do scores of my colleagues,” sniffed one Democratic congressman. “We have no interest in seeing a bunch of flabby grandmas who hate tax fairness waddle around making fools of them.”

But GOP leaders are eagerly looking forward to the anti-tax procession and insist the naked truth is that Democrats are jealous.

“This is just sour grapes because our women are so much hotter than their women,” argues Republican pollster Andy Mossick, noting that conservative think tanks have been focusing their recruitment efforts on attractive young college grads in recent years.

“The liberals know they can’t have Hillary Clinton, Donna Brazile and the other dumpy Plain Janes in their party lead a nude march and they’re frustrated.”

LEADERS of the Lady Godiva Coalition hope that some of the prominent female conservatives below will show up — and bare all — to show their support.

Tomi lahren

Tomi Lohren

 

Conservative Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter

 

Michelle Malkin

Michelle Malkin

 

Stacey Dash

Stacey Dash

 

 

Katie Pavlich

Lila Rose

If you enjoyed this piece of news satire  by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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