Embarrassed by uneven patches of fur, many female werewolves are now using “moon ray” tanning beds to achieve an all-over coat of hair. The high-tech gizmos simulate lunar rays and bombard the nude user from all sides, ensuring that hair sprouts evenly.
“Our clients are thrilled,” said Celeste Kiflinger, whose Spectral Salon is one of six specialty spas in Los Angeles area where the beds are available. “They feel much more confident romping at night with a full, lustrous coat.”
Typically, lycanthropes are exposed to the full moon when fully dressed, and exposed tissue on the face, neck and arms gets a higher dose. A bare midriff or skin below the knees when a woman is in a skirt may also receive more lunar rays, causing greater hair growth.
“It’s like watering some parts of a lawn more than others; the grass of course grows higher in those spots,” explained Kiflinger. “When the werewolf’s clothes finally rip away, you get that ‘crazy fur’ look, with wild overgrowth on one part of the body and bare patches on another. Males typically aren’t that bothered by it, but our mostly female clientele find it embarrassing.”
Technically, a moon ray is simply a beam of sunlight that has bounced off the moon. How its properties are altered by that reflection — which takes just microseconds — is a mystery science has not yet solved.
“We are only now discovering the many ways that the moon affects life on Earth,” noted an expert. “For centuries astronomers have known that its gravitational pull is responsible for tides and we’re all familiar with those studies that show criminal behavior increases during the full moon. How precisely it triggers lycanthropic transmutation remains a riddle.”The tanning beds are modified versions of those used by ordinary folks across the nation in salons and in their homes. A 30-minute session typically runs around $88.
“I am so satisfied with the treatments,” said Kelly R., a 35-year-old office worker who asked that her last name be kept confidential. “Before, loping through the park at night, I tended to stay in the shadows because my fur was so unsightly and I was ashamed of my appearance. Now I feel a lot better about myself when it’s ‘that time of the month.’”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
SPEAKING OF WEREWOLVES …