Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

God Strikes Man Dead — For Texting in Church!   Leave a comment

Lightning Strikes Oak TreeBy C. Michael Forsyth

GREENVILLE, SC. — Connor Prenkwood learned the hard way that texting in church is a sin, when a lightning bolt burst through the roof and incinerated him in his pew!

The preacher, who was midway through his sermon when the bizarre tragedy occurred, is convinced that God punished the 26-year-old computer programmer.

“This is the Lord’s house, you can’t show that kind of disrespect,” declared the Reverend Jim Towsled of Garden of Gethsemane Methodist Church. “I warned the young folks in the congregation to put those cellphones away, but Connor just ignored me. When that streak of lightning tore through the ceiling and made a beeline for him, I knew that was the wrath of the Almighty at work.”

Firefighters called to the scene found a pile of smoking ashes where Connor had been sitting. Oddly enough, there was only minor charring on the wooden pew and except for a fist-sized hole in the roof, the rest of the 80-year-old building was undamaged. Even more surprising, the victim’s Samsung Galaxy S7 was unscathed and is still operable.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 14 years on the job,” said baffled fireman Claude Artess. “The Galaxy S7 tends to catch fire even without being struck by lightning.”

ashes edited

VICTIM CONNOR Prenkwood was reduced to ashes by lightning strike.

Connor’s big sister Crystal says she dragged her brother to church that day, an act she now regrets.

“If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let him stay home gaming like he wanted,” she said. “During the service, I whispered to him that he ought to turn off his phone, but he was arguing with his girlfriend Trish and he kept saying he’d be done in a minute. Then he got mad because someone else started texting him.”

Intriguingly, Connor’s final text messages suggest he might have received a warning from a higher authority than the minister. The phone carrier has confirmed that the following was the last exchange.

CONNOR: No Trish YOU’RE lame!
TRISH: Whatever
UNKNOWN CALLER: Stop texting.
CONNOR: Who is this?
UNKNOWN CALLER: I am that I am.
CONNOR: Buzz off retard
UNKNOWN CALLER: I command thee to turn off thy phone.
CONNOR: Or what?

Galaxy

RARE case in which Galazy S7 cellphone is NOT responsible for a blaze.

This is far from the first case of a person being fried to a crisp by lightning in church. Experts say there have been at least 125 such tragedies in the U.S. alone, dating as far back as 1640, when accused witch Charity Dunforth was struck down just as she crossed the threshold of a Puritan church. In 1993, a Pentecostal minister in Alabama vehemently denied accusations of adultery, declaring from the pulpit “If I’m lying, may God strike me dead.” The ensuing lightning blast carried him 30 feet and he succumbed to cardiac arrest. Just last year, Scotty Rosier, 45, died from injuries sustained when he was struck by lightning at Heart of Worship Church in Pineville, La.

Church 2

South Carolina church suffered only minor damage.

Heartbroken Crystal, 31, admits her kid brother “wasn’t perfect,” but feels the Lord’s punishment was too harsh.

“It’s not like Connor was surfing for porn,” she said. “Isn’t the Almighty supposed to be a God of Love?”

But Bible scholar Elton Jeminson, who has written extensively about divine vengeance, wasn’t surprised to hear of the smiting.

“Let’s not forget, the God of the Old Testament was a real badass,” he observed. “No matter how fancy technology gets, the Lord will go old school in a heartbeat when he feels He’s been disrespected.”

God angry

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY: The Lord demands that worshippers give Him their undivided attention — or else.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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Can YOU Pass the Refugee “Christianity Test”?   1 comment

jesus-preaching

By C. Michael Forsyth

President Donald Trump has banned refugees from terrorism-plagued Muslim countries from entering the U.S., but many leaders feel that an exception should be made for Christians.

“Most of the women and children fleeing Russian bombs, beheading by ISIS fanatics or being taken as sex slaves are Muslim, but some are actually Christian,” explained a government insider. “We’d like to let the Christians in, as Jesus Himself would want us to do, but the problem is it would be very easy for a Muslim to slip in by claiming to be a follower of Our Lord.”

Some have floated the idea of a test that could weed out fakes from real Christians. Here is one version. Answers and scoring are below. Just for fun, take it and check your score to find out if you could get by government screeners.

1) Name three of Christ’s disciples:

A) Peter, Paul and Mary
B) Adam, Joseph and Hoss
C) Matthew, Mark and John
D) John, Luke and Han

2) When people were building the Tower of Babel, God foiled the project by

A) Blinding them
B) Causing them to speak different languages
C) Removing a critical stone at the bottom
D) Sending a great hailstorm

3) The phrase written over Christ’s head on the cross was_____.

A) Nice Guys Finish Last
B) Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews
C) Jesus Christ Superstar
D) Do Not Mess With the Romans

4) Who ordered the crucifixion of Jesus?

A) Julius Caesar
B) Augustus Caesar
C) Caligula
D) Pontius Pilate

5) The Bible states that Jonah spent three days inside a huge____.

A) Turtle
B) Brothel
C) Whale
D) Fish

6) The final time Judas saw Jesus, he ____.

A) Kissed Him
B) Kneed Him in the groin
C) Knee-capped Him
D) Shook His hand

7) “The Immaculate Conception” refers to the birth of what biblical figure?

A) Moses
B) Jesus
C) St. Mary
D) John the Baptist

8) Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin___________.”

A) Get stoned
B) Become Pope
C) In free to my next revival meeting
D) Cast the first stone

9) Love thy neighbor as ___________.

A) Long as he is also Christian
B) You love yourself
C) Long as he loves you back
D) Long as this does not put you in danger

10) According to the Bible, the human race began when______.

A) God created Adam and Eve
B) God created Adam and Steve
C) Homo Sapiens evolved from a more primitive species
D) Zeus created Adam and Eve

11) In the Book of Genesis, the rainbow appears as a symbol of______.

A) Equal rights for the people of Sodom.
B) The diverse races of mankind
C) God’s pledge never again to destroy humanity by flood
D) Impending doom

12) When Lot’s wife disobeys God and looks back at the destruction of Sodom, God punishes her by transforming her into ________.

A) A pillar of salt
B) A pillar of pepper
C) A pillar of paprika
D) A man

13) Do unto others ________.

A) As they would do unto you, only do it first
B) As you would have others do onto you
C) As you see fit
D) As a Philistine would

14) What did David do to Goliath after slaying him?

A) Stripped off his clothing
B) Castrated him
C) Cut off his head
D) All of the above

15) Jesus performed what amazing miracle on Lazarus?

A) Healed his blindness
B) Brought him back from the dead
C) Healed his paralysis
D) Healed his impotence

16) When you are struck in the face you should ________.

A) Strike the person who hit you in their face
B) Punch the person but not in the face
C) Stab the person
D) Turn the other cheek

17) In the 1961 film King of Kings, Jeffrey Hunter starred as Jesus. What other iconic figure has he played?

A) Tarzan
B) Captain Christopher Pike
C) James Bond
D) Felix Leiter

18) Christ’s disciple Matthew held what job?

A) Blacksmith
B) Tax collector
C) Loan shark
D) Fisherman

19) God appeared before Moses in the form of_______.

A) A genie
B) A burning cart
C) A burning bush
D) A talking donkey

20) He who lives by the sword shall _____

A) Defeat he who lives by the rock
B) Sleep more easily
C) Die by poison
D) Die by the Sword

21) The Good Samaritan kindly helped a beaten stranger he met on the road even though____.

A) He was drunk
B) He was late for a human sacrifice
C) He was not a Hebrew
D) All of the above

22) Moses amazed the court of the pharaoh by transforming his staff into a____.

A) A spear
B) A serpent
C) A monkey
D) Gold

23) The place where some souls must undergo purification before going onto heaven is known as __________.

A) Purgatory
B) Hell
C) Ireland
D) Neverworld

24) When God asked Cain where his brother Abel was, Cain replied_______.

A) “I think he went fishing.”
B) “It wasn’t me.”
C) “Did you look in the storage hut?
D) “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

25) The doctrine that in some circumstances the Pope cannot be wrong is known as_________.

A) The Peter Principle
B) Papal Infallibility
C) The Uncertainty Principle
D) Penal Code

ANSWERS:
1 C
2 B
3 B
4 D
5 D
6 A
7 C
8 D
9 B
10 A
11 C
12 A
13 B
14 C
15 B
16 D
17 B
18 B
19 C
20 D
21 C
22 B
23 A
24 D
25 B

SCORING: For each correct answer, give yourself four points. 100-90: Welcome to America, you’re a bona fide Christian. 80-89: You’ve squeaked by, but brush up on the Bible! 70-79. Sorry, go back where you came from and bone up. Feel free to try again in six months. 60-69. Hit the road, heathen. Hope you have better luck applying to ISIS.

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

POPE FRANCIS HALTS CHURCH’S WAR ON VAMPIRES   1 comment

MR. NICE GUY: Pope Francis has ended the wholesale killing of vampires.

MR. NICE GUY: Pope Francis has called for an end to the wholesale killing of vampires.

By C. Michael Forsyth

VATICAN CITY — In yet another startling demonstration of his liberalism and compassion, Pope Francis has issued a moratorium on the destruction of vampires.

“It is our duty as Christians to be charitable toward these unfortunate individuals, following the example of our Lord,” the Pontiff said in an April 28 letter to cardinals responsible for the church’s search-and-destroy program.

The move represents a sharp U-turn for the Catholic Church, which has maintained a stern, take-no-prisoners approach to vampirism since the Middle Ages.

As recently as 1983, his more conservative predecessor John Paul II issued an edict ordering church officials to “destroy all vampires.” An elite taskforce of Vatican exorcists with specialized training carried out the missions, reportedly eliminating 109 blood-drinkers in the decades since then. The clandestine war on the undead has been a staple of fiction, most notably the 1998 John Carpenter movie Vampires.

“Medieval theologians reasoned that vampires are demons that reanimate human corpses,” explains Vatican-watcher Antonio DePlesio, an Italian journalist. “Since they lack souls and are pure evil, they must be destroyed. That is the view the holy mother church has taken ever since. Now Pope Francis is talking about taking a more nuanced approach.”

According to the new policy laid down in the Pope’s letter, a vampire is not to be harmed unless it can be shown he or she presents a direct threat to the community. They are to be treated with kindness and encouraged to surrender to the love of Jesus.

Since he was elected Pope in 2013, His Holiness has softened the Church’s stand on gays, spoken out against income inequality and warned about climate change, earning him praise from liberals in the United States. But some American preachers, especially evangelicals, have greeted the Pope’s new ceasefire order with skepticism.

“The Bible doesn’t mince words when it comes to the evil of vampirism,” declares the Reverend Coby Brokskin of Atlanta, one of the state’s best known vampire-hunters. “Genesis 9:3-4 clearly states, ‘You shall not eat flesh with its life, that is, its blood.’

“Allowing vampires to roam around free may feel good, but it goes against Scripture and also common sense. The Pope may be infallible 99% of the time, but even he gets it wrong once in a while.”

 

 

OUT OF A GIG? James Woods led a team of Vatican-sponsored vampire killers in John Carpenter's

OUT OF A GIG? James Woods led a team of Vatican-sponsored vampire killers in John Carpenter’s “Vampires” (1998).

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's greatest magician probe a paranormal  mystery in new thriller.

The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.

More about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.

In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.


Read Hour of the Beast.
The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

The Blood of Titans is a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa.

Check out The Blood of Titans.

ZOMBIE PLAGUE IS GOD’S PUNISHMENT FOR POT, SAYS TOP CLERGYMAN.   Leave a comment

ALARMING rise in zombie cases has medical experts scratching their heads.

ALARMING rise in zombie cases has medical experts scratching their heads.

By C. Michael Forsyth

ATLANTA — The swiftly widening zombie epidemic does not owe its origin simply to a rogue germ – it’s God’s way of punishing Americans for smoking marijuana, a respected preacher claims.

“Every major plague of the past 2,000 years has been a form a divine retribution,” declared the Reverend Harvey Stintland, a leading theologian and author. “Leprosy, for example, was sent to punish the Roman Empire for its decadence and debauchery.

“AIDS was, of course, His punishment for homosexuality, just as herpes was His wrathful response to the Sexual Revolution. What we’re seeing now across the country is, once again, the Lord using his tiniest creatures — viruses — to teach sinful humans a lesson.”

The earliest known zombie outbreak in the United States was reported in June 1964, just as pot use was emerging among hippies, the Baptist minister points out.

“This was literally days after Bob Dylan introduced the Beatles to ‘grass,’” Rev. Stintland notes. “Now, just as states like Alaska, Colorado and Oregon legalize marijuana, we’re seeing a record number of zombism sufferers. Can that be merely a coincidence? Logic tells us otherwise.”

LIGHT 'EM UP! Weed is now legal in many states.

LIGHT ‘EM UP! Weed is now legal in many states.

Statistics show a troubling rise in the bizarre ailment, called Sarcophagic Lazarus Syndrome by medical professionals. At least 675 cases nationwide were reported in 2014, three times the figure from the previous year. Yet government scientists dismiss Rev. Stintland’s claims.

“You don’t have to bring God or the supernatural into it to explain zombies,” observed a CDC insider. “It’s a matter of cold, hard science.”

According to the clergyman, the Almighty smacks the human race with epidemics from time to time for our own good.

“Our Lord is a loving God, but he is also a stern disciplinarian, not unlike a father who must sometimes take his children to the woodshed. He’s not above using biological warfare to whup some sense into mankind when we disobey His law,” explained Rev. Stintland, author of the upcoming book Germs From God.

SPANISH FLU was God's punishment for the senseless slaughter of  World War 1, according to expert.

SPANISH FLU was God’s punishment for the senseless slaughter of World War 1, according to expert.

Here, from the theologian, are other major epidemics and what God was punishing people for:

Plague of Athens (426-429 B.C., death toll 100,000) — Punishment for paganism
Black Death (1346 -1353 A.D., death toll 50 million) — Punishment for false piety, i.e. being “too” religious
Yellow Fever Epidemic (1793-1798, death toll 5,000 ) — Punishment for secular humanism
Cholera Pandemic (1816 -1828, death toll, 30,000) — Punishment for slave trade
Smallpox epidemic (1827-38, death toll 1800) — Punishment of Indians for resisting Manifest Destiny
Spanish Flu (1918-1920, death toll 75 million) — Punishment for World War I

“Contagious diseases don’t just happen,” the clergyman says. “They are God’s holy will.”

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING? In the 14th century, when the Black Death struck, belief in God was at an all time high.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING? In the 14th century, when the Black Death struck, belief in God was at an all time high.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES…

ZOMBIE master Robert Kirkman's graphic novel  "Thief of Thieves" is even better than his "The Walking Dead."

ZOMBIE master Robert Kirkman’s graphic novel “Thief of Thieves” is even better than his “The Walking Dead.”

As I prepare to launch my first graphic novel, I’ve been boning up on the format, and one of the best I’ve come across was written by Robert Kirkman of The Walking Dead fame. Thief of Thieves is even more cinematic than the zombie comic that spawned the hit TV series. It’s essentially a movie on paper. What makes it unusual is that it doesn’t look like a movie storyboard. The layout is almost entirely narrow rectangular panels that stretch across the page, stacked horizontally. As you get used to the steadfastly unchanging aspect ratio, it becomes like watching images flickering on the screen. The caper story, akin to a movie like The Italian Job, is twisty and adult. The charismatic, broad-shouldered, hairy chested hero is presented so vividly, you think, “They’ve really got to cast the same actor in the movie” — until you remember he’s not a real person!

CINEMATIC panel shape, realistic facial expressions and Kirkman's trademark  timing make "Thief of Thieves" feel like a movie.

CINEMATIC panel shape, realistic facial expressions and Kirkman’s trademark timing make “Thief of Thieves” feel like a movie.

In the purely horror vein, I’ve also become hip to Crossed. It’s a zombie apocalypse saga, but makes The Walking Dead seem optimistic and wholesome as milk by comparison. In this version of hell on earth, the infected legions don’t just cannibalize victims, they gleefully rape, sodomize and mutilate them in an orgy of violence. Then eat them — although in some cases, the atrocities are simultaneous.

PLAY BALL! Mayhem ensues when the contagion hits a football stadium.

PLAY BALL! Mayhem ensues when the contagion hits a football stadium.

The disease, which brands those who’ve been bitten (or otherwise taken in bodily fluids) with a distinctive cross-shaped rash on the face, erases all inhibitions, turning them into rage-fueled, sex-crazed killing machines who love to disfigure both hapless victims and themselves. Worse still, unlike your standard shambling walker, their minds still function — albeit far from rationally — allowing them to use weapons, drive cars and operate motorboats. Imagine 28 Days Later meets Road Warrior meets Hellraiser. Crossed is definitely adults only, due to the unrelenting sexual violence, and not for the faint of heart.

Speaking of crime dramas like Thief of Thieves, if you enjoyed the writing in this article by C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his novel The Identity Thief.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.

Jesus’ Enemy List Found!   1 comment

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Those who messed with the Savior of mankind could face divine retribution.

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Those who messed with the Savior of mankind could face divine retribution.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Jesus forgave — but he didn’t forget. Bible scholars now say that from an early age, the Messiah kept a detailed enemies list.

The 8-foot-long scroll contains the names of 105 people who did the Lord wrong, from the age of 7 through the eve of His crucifixion at age 33. The meticulously kept record includes each specific offense, date and location, according to biblical archaeologist Paolo Giametelli.

“Some of the names on the list are to be expected, such as Pontius Pilate, Judas and Satan,” says the expert. “But the text includes some surprises, such has a boy named Azariah, ‘who did cast a rock at my head’ when Jesus was only 9. Further down there is a reference to one Lemuel of Nazareth, who refused to pay for a cabinet he’d ordered during Christ’s days as a young carpenter.”

PONTIUS PILATE ordered the execution of Jesus, earning him a prominent spot on the list.

PONTIUS PILATE ordered the execution of Jesus, earning him a prominent spot on the list.

The scroll was found in fragments in the ruins of a Coptic Christian temple outside Jerusalem excavated by archaeologists. The fragile pieces of parchment were painstakingly put back together and translated. The list includes the Pharisees who opposed His ministry as well as Salome, the temptress responsible for the beheading of Jesus’ friend and ally John the Baptist.

Researchers are uncertain why Jesus, known for preaching love and kindness, kept the enemies list.

“The obvious implication is that our Lord planned retribution, either by using His holy superpowers or calling upon His father in Heaven for vengeance,” said the scholar. “But it is equally possible that this was a list of people to forgive.”

BIBLICAL backstabber Judas Iscariot made the holy enemies list.

BIBLICAL backstabber Judas Iscariot made the holy enemies list.

TREACHEROUS:  After her seductive dance, Salome beheaded John the Baptist.

TREACHEROUS: After her seductive dance, Salome had John the Baptist beheaded.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

 

If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

PRIESTS FROM HELL: The 13 Scariest Movie Preachers   2 comments

By C. Michael Forsyth

Clergymen provide us with spiritual guidance and emotional support, but when they go bad, they go very bad. Take a look at this roundup of 13 men of the cloth who went over to the dark side. Then vote on who’s the scariest movie preacher of all time.

BROTHER JUSTIN CROWE, played by Clancy Brown in “Carnivale” (HBO, 2003-5): Powerfully built Brown has portrayed some frightening villains, most memorably The Kurgan in “Highlander.” Here he’s a fiendish, supernatural version of Father Coughlin, the hate-mongering Depression-era radio preacher. Brother Justin has the power to bring people's sins and darkest desires to life in horrifying visions. He uses his radio show to brainwash the masses to do his bidding. But the Dust Bowl devil is not above resorting to physical means, mowing down uncooperative folks with a scythe.

BROTHER JUSTIN CROWE played by Clancy Brown in “Carnivale” (HBO, 2003-5). Powerfully built Brown has portrayed some frightening villains, most memorably The Kurgan in “Highlander.” Here he’s a fiendish, supernatural version of Father Coughlin, the hate-mongering Depression-era radio preacher. Brother Justin has the power to bring people’s sins and darkest desires to life in horrifying visions. He uses his radio show to brainwash the masses to do his bidding. But the Dust Bowl devil is not above resorting to physical means, mowing down uncooperative folks with a scythe.


CALEB, played by Nathan Fillion in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Season 7, 2003).  Before handsome Nathan made female viewers hearts flutter as Capt. Mal in “Firefly,” he terrified them as this sadistic sociopath with a pathological hatred of women. A defrocked priest, Caleb was chosen by the non-corporeal First Evil to lead its campaign to destroy humanity. Able to channel its power, he possesses immense physical strength and is seemingly indestructible; making him one of Buffy’s the most dangerous adversaries. The folksy, scripture-quoting madman has a real mean streak, gratuitously gouging out the eye of funny-guy Zander. Here he cuts short the career of a wannabe Slayer.

CALEB, played by Nathan Fillion in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Season 7, 2003). Before handsome Nathan made female viewers’ hearts flutter as Capt. Mal in “Firefly,” he terrified them as this sadistic sociopath with a pathological hatred of women. A defrocked priest, Caleb was chosen by the First Evil to lead its campaign to wipe out humanity. Able to channel its power, he possesses immense physical strength and is seemingly indestructible, making him one of Buffy’s most dangerous adversaries. The folksy, scripture-quoting madman has a real mean streak, gratuitously gouging out the eye of funny-guy Zander. Here he cuts short the career of a wannabe Slayer.


FATHER LUCAS, played by Anthony Hopkins in “The Rite” (2011).  Welsh Jesuit Father Lucas is the Vatican’s top exorcist until he’s possessed by a demon himself. Incredibly, the supernatural thriller is based on real events as recounted by then exorcist-in-training, Father Gary Thomas. Yeah, sure. More believable is Hopkins acting. He resists the temptation to chew the scenery in favor of an understated, chilling performance. In this scene, the trainee (Colin O’Donoghue.) is horrified to learn that his mentor his now batting for the other team.

FATHER LUCAS, played by Anthony Hopkins in “The Rite” (2011). Welsh Jesuit Father Lucas is the Vatican’s top exorcist until he’s possessed by a demon himself. Incredibly, the supernatural thriller is based on real events as recounted by then exorcist-in-training, Father Gary Thomas. Yeah, sure. More believable is Hopkins’ acting. He resists the temptation to chew the scenery in favor of an understated, chilling performance. In this scene, the trainee (Colin O’Donoghue) is horrified to learn that his mentor is now batting for the other team.


REVEREND HENRY KANE, played by Julian Beck in “Poltergeist 2” (1992). Kane was the leader of 19th century doomsday cult who snuffed out the lives of his followers and became a ghostly Beast who keeps their spirits imprisoned. The character’s shockingly gaunt, skeletal appearance isn’t just good makeup. Actor Beck was dying of cancer during the shoot. Kane tries every trick in the book to gain entry into the Freeling family’s haunted house. In one grotesque scene, he transforms himself into a worm that the dad Steven (Craig T. Nelson) swallows with his tequila. The parasitic entity possesses the guy and tries to rape his wife before being vomited out as a hideous, scuttling monster. Watch these two memorable sequences: A Stranger and Let Me In.

REVEREND HENRY KANE, played by Julian Beck in “Poltergeist 2” (1992). Kane was the leader of 19th century doomsday cult who snuffed out the lives of his followers and became a ghostly Beast who keeps their spirits imprisoned. The character’s shockingly gaunt, skeletal appearance isn’t just good makeup. Actor Beck was dying of cancer during the shoot. Kane tries every trick in the book to gain entry into the Freeling family’s haunted house. In one grotesque scene, he transforms himself into a worm that the dad Steven (Craig T. Nelson) swallows with his tequila. The parasitic entity possesses the guy and tries to rape his wife before being vomited out as a hideous, scuttling monster. Watch these two memorable sequences: A Stranger and Let Me In.

REVEREND LESTER LOWE, played by Everett McGill in “Silver Bullet” (1985). With the fierce features that made him a perfect caveman in “Quest for Fire,” McGill is a scary-looking dude under the best of circumstances. As the werewolf in this tale from Stephen King, he’s even more terrifying. And the odds are against his target: a wheelchair-bound boy whose dopey uncle (Gary Busey) arms himself with only ONE silver bullet.

REVEREND LESTER LOWE, played by Everett McGill in “Silver Bullet” (1985). With the over-hanging brow that made him a perfect caveman in “Quest for Fire,” McGill is a scary-looking dude under the best of circumstances. As the werewolf in this tale from Stephen King, he’s even more terrifying. And the odds are against his target: a wheelchair-bound boy whose dopey uncle (Gary Busey) arms himself with only ONE silver bullet.

ANTHONY TIPET played by Keith Szarabajka in “The X-Files” (Season 8, Episode 7). Tipet is the leader of a religious cult who preaches that the Via Negativa or "path of darkness" is the true way to reach Nirvana. With the aid of a super-amphetamine, he’s able to open his third eye—literally a disgusting eyeball on his forehead—and  enter people’s dreams to murder them, ala Freddy Krueger. Tipet racks up 20 kills this way in addition to his wife, whom he simply bludgeons to death.

ANTHONY TIPET played by Keith Szarabajka in “The X-Files” (Season 8, Episode 7). Tipet is the leader of a religious cult who preaches that the Via Negativa or “path of darkness” is the true way to reach Nirvana. With the aid of a super-amphetamine, he’s able to open his third eye—literally a disgusting eyeball on his forehead—and
enter people’s dreams to murder them, ala Freddy Krueger. Tipet racks up 20 kills this way in addition to his wife, whom he simply bludgeons to death.

REVEREND HARRY POWELL, played by Robert Mitchum in “ Night of the Hunter” (1955).As this bogus preacher and serial killer who sports the two words "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed across the knuckles of each hand, Mitchum is even menacing here than he was as a rapist stalker in Cape Fear. The charismatic Rev. Powell woos the unsuspecting widow of his former cellmate to get his hands on hidden loot from a robbery. After marrying and murdering her, he relentlessly tracks her two children. The atmospheric film was inspired by the true story of Harry Powers, hanged in 1932 for the murders of two widows and three children in Clarksburg, West Virginia.  Here are two memorable scenes: Sleepless preacher  and Not My Pa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PyNL2ahKwc

REVEREND HARRY POWELL, played by Robert Mitchum in “ Night of the Hunter” (1955). As this bogus preacher and serial killer who sports the words “LOVE” and “HATE” tattooed across the knuckles of each hand, Mitchum is even more menacing here than he was as a rapist stalker in “Cape Fear.” The charismatic Rev. Powell woos the unsuspecting widow of his former cellmate to get his hands on hidden loot from a robbery. After marrying and murdering her, he relentlessly tracks her two children. The atmospheric film was inspired by the true story of Harry Powers, hanged in 1932 for the murders of two widows and three children in Clarksburg, West Virginia.
Here are two memorable scenes we’ll call Not My Dad
and Sleepless Preacher


ZOMBIE PRIEST played by Tony Sedgwick in “28 Days Later” (2002). Mild-mannered bicycle messenger Jim awakens from a coma to find London is besieged by zombies—worse still, fast ones—and he takes in a church. An ominous sign is that the words "The End is Extremely F---ing Nigh" are scrawled on the wall. Jim is relieved when a priest emerges—until the infected clergymen tries to eat him alive.

ZOMBIE PRIEST played by Tony Sedgwick in “28 Days Later” (2002). Mild-mannered bicycle messenger Jim awakens from a coma to find London is besieged by zombies (worse still, fast ones) and he takes refuge in a church. An ominous sign is that the words “The End is Extremely F—ing Nigh” are scrawled on the wall. Jim is relieved when a priest emerges—until the infected clergymen tries to eat him alive.

FATHER ZACHARY MALIUS, played by Charles Cragin in “Happy Hell Night” (1992). Friendly neighborhood priest Father Malius goes crazy and slaughters seven frat boys at Winfield College, then is committed to an asylum. Twenty five years later, fun-loving students from the fraternity stage a prank at the booby hatch, and Father Malius is inadvertently freed. It appears that he has not been entirely cured, because the psycho priest promptly launches a bloody spree of murder and mayhem.

FATHER ZACHARY MALIUS, played by Charles Cragin in “Happy Hell Night” (1992). Friendly neighborhood priest Father Malius goes crazy and slaughters seven frat boys at Winfield College, then is committed to an asylum. Twenty five years later, fun-loving students from the fraternity stage a prank at the booby hatch, and Father Malius is inadvertently freed. It appears that he has not been entirely cured, because the psycho priest promptly launches a bloody spree of murder and mayhem.

CZAKYR, played by David Sawyer in “Children of the Night” (1991).Townsfolk in peaceful Alburg were delighted when a European clergyman came to minister to them – until he began to “interfere with” children and feed on their blood. Cornered, the false priest Czakyr commits suicide, taking his young victims with him. The locals bury him in a crypt beneath the church and flood it. But when a pair of teenage girls take a late-night dip in the water, Czakyr is awakened and attacks them, unleashing a vampire plague. Before long, the town has become a bloodsucker haven like Salem’s Lot.

CZAKYR, played by David Sawyer in “Children of the Night” (1991).Townsfolk in peaceful Alburg were delighted when a European clergyman came to minister to them – until he began to “interfere with” children and feed on their blood. Cornered, the false priest Czakyr commits suicide, taking his young victims with him. The locals bury him in a crypt beneath the church and flood it. But when a pair of teenage girls take a late-night dip in the water, Czakyr is awakened and attacks them, unleashing a vampire plague. Before long, the town has become a bloodsucker haven like Salem’s Lot.


CARDINAL PATRICK ROARK, played by Rutger Hauer in “Sin City” (2005). Shielding pedophile priests just isn’t good enough for this corrupt and sinister church official. He protects his nephew Kevin (Elijah Wood), a cannibal serial killer who murders women, eats their bodies and mount their heads on his wall. Cardinal Roark joins in the grisly meals and frames Mickey Rourke’s tough-guy hero for one of the murders -- sins he answers for in this scene.

CARDINAL PATRICK ROARK, played by Rutger Hauer in “Sin City” (2005). Shielding pedophile priests just isn’t good enough for this corrupt and sinister church official. He protects his nephew Kevin (Elijah Wood), a cannibal serial killer who murders women, eats their bodies and mounts their heads on his wall. Cardinal Roark joins in the grisly meals and frames Mickey Rourke’s tough-guy hero for one of the murders — sins he answers for in this scene.


BISHOP ANTHONY LILLIMAN, played by John Standing in “V for Vendetta” (2006). Bishop Lilliman is a twisted pedophile as well as a high-ranking official in a fascist party that has taken over Great Britain. Despite his penchant for young girls, the bishop doesn't mind trying to rape twenty-something Natalie Portman when she comes to warn him of his impending assassination, as we see here.

BISHOP ANTHONY LILLIMAN, played by John Standing in “V for Vendetta” (2006). Bishop Lilliman is a twisted pedophile as well as a high-ranking official in a fascist party that has taken over Great Britain. Despite his penchant for young girls, the bishop doesn’t mind trying to rape twenty-something Natalie Portman when she comes to warn him of his impending assassination, as we see here.

FATHER ANTONIN, played by Jack Palance as in “Deadly Sanctuary” (1969). In this version of the Marquis De Sade’s “Justine,” Father Antonin livens up monastery life by subjecting the title character to torture and sexual abuse. Palance is no stranger to over-acting, but this performance is over-the top even for him, one critic calling it “one of the most bizarre ever seen on film.” Perhaps he was trying to balance out the wooden star Romina Power, daughter of screen legend Tyrone Power. “She was a like a piece of furniture,” director Jesus Franco later grumbled. “It was as if I was making Bambi 2.” Well, Bambi 2 with sex and sadism.

FATHER ANTONIN, played by Jack Palance in “Deadly Sanctuary” (1969). In this version of the Marquis De Sade’s “Justine,” Father Antonin livens up monastery life by subjecting the title character to torture and sexual abuse. Palance is no stranger to over-acting, but this performance is over-the top even for him, one critic calling it “one of the most bizarre ever seen on film.” Perhaps he was trying to balance out the wooden star Romina Power, daughter of screen legend Tyrone Power. “She was a like a piece of furniture,” director Jesus Franco later grumbled. “It was as if I was making Bambi 2.” Well, Bambi 2 with nudity and sadism.


If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

WHAT GUN WOULD JESUS CARRY? Top 10 Picks of Bible Scholars.   3 comments

JESUS bring peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from the website.

JESUS bringing peace with the help of a firearm is beautifully captured in this painting from passtheammo.com.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A spirited debate is being waged on the Internet and in churches across America about which gun Jesus Christ would pack.

Some preachers say that if the Lord were alive today, He would tote a high-powered semi-automatic assault rife, while others insist He’d sling an old-fashioned cowboy six-shooter as a symbol of justice. But all agree that when the Second Coming rolls around, Jesus will be loaded for bear.

“Jesus, who said ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ was protective of the weak and defenseless, and He would carry the means to keep them safe from harm,” explains the Rev. Houldercraft of Charleston, S.C, a longtime gun-rights supporter.

“Although kind and gentle, He also accepted that violence was sometimes necessary against evildoers, like when He chased the money changers out of the temple. Today the Messiah would use the modern weapons at His disposal. It’s ridiculous for liberals to argue that He’d go after sinners with a handful of rocks and a sling.”

TALE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money lenders out of the temple -- but today He would use modern weapons..

TAKE THAT! Christ used a whip to cast money changers out of the temple — but today He would use modern weapons.

“Personally, I believe His weapon of choice would be the M1911,” continued the clergyman. “It’s a highly versatile pistol from Colt with plenty of stopping power that’s remarkably reliable even after it falls in mud or sand.”

Here are 10 other guns that top Bible scholars nationwide contend Christ might carry:

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world for decades.

CLASSIC Smith and Wesson has been a favorite of police around the world.

Smith & Wesson Hand Ejector Revolver

This double-action/single-action revolver would allow the Son of God to be quick on the trigger in any situation.

“For precise shooting, the crisp single-action trigger pull is extraordinary, and the double-action smoothness is unsurpassed,” notes the Reverend Terry Smiltwood of Arkansas, a lifelong hunter and gun-safety expert. “It’s equally well suited for hunting, personal defense or blowing sinners to Kingdom Come.”

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.

GLOCK 17 packs plenty of punch.


GLOCK 17

This popular handgun’s injection-molded polymer frame makes it light and resistant to corrosion.

“It holds a 17-round-capacity double-stack magazine to quickly take out a hit team of the Antichrist’s minions, who won’t be crazy about the Second Coming,” notes Rev. Greg Kestlebury of Tennessee. “And the grip is relatively slim, perfect for Jesus who’s described as having small and delicate hands.

“Most importantly, the weapon is considered ‘cool’ by criminals and gang members, the very types of sinners our Lord would wish to win over. A Glock pointed between their eyes would quickly win their respect and gain Him entry to their world.”

MARSHALL Matt Dillon (James Arness) was fast on the draw with his Colt in TV classic “Gunsmoke.”


Colt Peacemaker

Most U.S. Bible experts agree Christ will return to Earth in America, since our nation embodies freedom and everything else He stands for. It seems only natural that He’ll pack an all-American weapon like this sturdy cowboy six-shooter, known as The Gun that Won the West.

“This iconic handgun was wielded by frontiersmen, outlaws and sheriffs,” notes Bible scholar and gun-rights activist Herbert C. Hurbwell of Lousiana. “Custer held one in his hand at the Last Stand and Teddy Roosevelt brandished one when he charged up San Juan Hill. Marshalls used this potent symbol of frontier justice to keep the peace in our past, just as Jesus will bring peace to our world in the near future.

“In the final showdown between Christ and the Antichrist, I believe He’ll carry the same gun in His holster that Matt Dillon used in ‘Gunsmoke’ — and I pity the fool who thinks he can outdraw Jesus.”

GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY: Clint Eastwood sported a .44 Magnum in “Sudden Impact.”

.44 Remington Magnum

No weapon puts the fear of God into evildoers more than the handgun toted by Dirty Harry. Once touted as the most powerful handgun in the world, the .44 Magnum delivers a large, heavy bullet with high velocity that can take a sinner’s head clean off.

“Jesus is a God of love who expects the best of us. He literally wants each and every one of us to ‘make His day,’ ” argues Bishop Carl L. Surliss of West Virginia. “But those who violate His holy commandments face His wrath.”

With deeply penetrating bullets, the Magnum is also suitable for short-range hunting of animals as large as moose.

“Jesus was no sissy,” the preacher observes. “Just as our Lord relaxed with His disciples with games of His day like the ancient Hebrew version of soccer, today He would engage in manly recreation such as hunting and fishing.”

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be easily concealed in a shoulder or thigh holster beneath the Messiah's robes.

PINT-SIZED Guardian could be kept discreetly in Christ’s shoulder or thigh holster.

NAA Guardian Pistol

Far smaller than a Beretta 92 Compact, this dainty death-dealer could easily be concealed beneath Christ’s flowing robes.

“The element of surprise would be key for Jesus, whose enemies would expect the ‘meek and mild’ Savior of mankind to be unarmed,” notes Catherine Ziplanski, a leading Bible scholar and gun enthusiast. “So a small, easily concealed handgun really makes the most sense. The Guardian is sometimes pooh-poohed as a ‘lady’s gun,’ but it packs plenty of wallop.”

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

HIGH-POWERED shotgun could stop the Antichrist in his cloven-hooved tracks.

Remington 11-87 Shotgun

Stopping power will be the main concern of Jesus when he goes toe-to-toe with the formidable Beast described in the Bible, thus a 12-gauge shotgun would be the obvious choice, many insist.

“This gas-operated shotgun can carry a 3” magnum shell,” notes the Reverend Cal Huskley of North Carolina. “It could stop the Antichrist in his tracks whether he appears as a sinister child like Damien in ‘The Omen’ or as a rampaging monster.”

WHOLESOME TV show “The Rifleman” starred Chuck Connors and his Winchester rifle.

Winchester Model 70

The Lord would likely unwind by hunting with disciples, so a good, solid deer-hunting rifle would be in order. A possible choice would be this updated version of Winchester 1892 that Chuck Connors toted in the beloved TV show “The Rifleman.”

“Who can forget how Connors, as widower Lucas McCain, taught his son homespun American values, or how he fired 12 shots from his rifle in just seconds in the opening credits?” asks Ted Vechwuller, another authority on the Scriptures. “Those are the values – home, family, standing up for what’s right – that our Lord would want to instill in us, at the point of a gun if necessary.

“And if the demonic hordes of the Antichrist overcome Him and He runs out of bullets, one can easily imagine Him swinging the rifle butt as a club like Davy Crockett at the Alamo, before sacrificing His life, once again, for mankind.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

POPULAR AR-15 assault rifle could come in handy in final war between Good and Evil.

AR-15

This cousin of the M16 rifle used in Vietnam is popular among patriotic militia leaders, hunters with poor aim and homemakers alike.

“The Bible describes Armageddon as a final war between good and evil,” explains Henry R. Clatters of Alabama. “As our Lord leads His followers into battle singing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers,’ it would be fitting for Him to bear this military-style rifle.”

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ's robes.

SAY hello to His little friend. Compact Uzi sub-machine gun could easily be hidden in Christ’s robes.

UZI

Lightweight, easily concealable under a robe, and boasting a high rate of fire, this sub-machine gun might be the little friend Christ tells His enemies to “say hello” to.

“When you absolutely, positively have to kill every Pharisee in the room, an Uzi is what you need,” points out Bishop Charles R. Culway of Idaho. “The fact that it is an Israeli-made weapon from the Holy Land would of course make it especially appropriate for Our Lord.”

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist's tanks to smithereens

KAPOW! RPG rocket-propelled grenade launcher could blow the Antichrist’s tanks to smithereens.

RPG-7

The armies of the Antichrist mean business, and Jesus will need a weapon powerful enough to take out the Evil One’s tanks. The Ruchnoy Protivotankovyy Granatomyot or RPG is the most widely used anti-tank weapon in the world.

“Our Lord is the Prince of Peace,” declares Rev. Bob Hiltonbell of Kentucky. “He wouldn’t hesitate to use a rocket-propelled grenade launcher to bring peace to the world.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you found this news satire entertaining, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY …

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

Speaking of firepower, silver bullets might come in handy in the spine-tingling horror novel Hour of the Beast. The author of this article wrote the book, which got rave reviews from The Horror Fiction Review , The Parlor of Horror and other critics.

Check out HOUR OF THE BEAST by clicking HERE.

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