RECKLESS? Devampirizing treatment shown in movie Near Dark is risky and unsanitary, critics charge
By C. Michael Forsyth
Activists are condemning a controversial form of conversion therapy that supposedly cures vampires!
Practitioners of the unorthodox technique—which involves total blood replacement via transfusion—claim that it has successfully restored dozens of bloodsuckers to normal. But critics charge that the practice is dangerous and they call the therapists little more than snake oil salesmen.
“These quacks are promoting a so-called cure that is scientifically unsound, ineffective and potentially lethal,” blasts Oliver Shursman, executive director of the American Blood Drinkers Association.
“Many newly turned vampires are emotionally vulnerable, full of confusion and self-loathing. The last thing they need is some charlatan reinforcing the idea that there’s something ‘wrong’ with them and holding out false hope that they can be fixed.”
The trend is driven by Sanguivoriphobia, the irrational fear of and dislike for vampires, he says. “This is bigotry disguised as medicine.”
The therapy, which has not yet received FDA approval, is being carried out in at least six facilities located in Florida and Georgia. The units receive funding principally from evangelical churches and family values organizations. Four of the facilities operate under the banner Soul Restoration Centers and are owned by Dr. Budd Koarski of Tallahassee, FL, who is widely viewed as the father of the devampirizing movement.
Dr. Koarksi reveals he got the brainstorm eight years ago at a Halloween party after watching the movie Near Dark (1987) in which an old country veterinarian cures his son and the boy’s girlfriend of vampirism through transfusions.
“When I saw that scene, I was surprised because I’d never thought something so simple and obvious could work,” he explains. “It took some digging through obscure old books and articles on vampirism, but sure enough, I found that back in the Depression era, backwoods doctors in Louisiana used the technique to heal vampirism sufferers and return them to their families.”
Dr. Koarski claims that some 28 vampires have been successfully converted at his facilities alone since 2015.
“These had been predators who were hopelessly stuck in the degrading vampire lifestyle, living like feral animals in squalid abandoned buildings and hunting at night,” he says. “Now they are healthy, productive members of society who walk around in daylight–and many even attend church regularly,” he says.
“One man brought to us by family members had been living as a vampire since 1977. When he realized he had been liberated from this evil curse after so many decades, he wept tears of joy and hugged all the staff at the facility.”
OLD SCHOOL: Transfusions were used to combat vampirism outbreaks in the 1930s
However, critics say that the effects of introducing massive quantities of human blood to a vampire intravenously have not been adequately tested. And they point to a notorious 2011 incident in Mobile, Ala., where a vampire spontaneously combusted during a transfusion.
“Dr. Koarski is not a medical doctor or even a vet,” Shursman observes. “As I understand it, he has a Ph.D in music. He and his ilk have no business dispensing medical advice, let alone running medical facilities treating one of the most complex and little-understood conditions in the world.”
The American Blood Drinkers Association and several other vampire-rights organizations are calling for Florida Governor DeSantis, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp and state lawmakers to pass a bill outlawing the vampire conversion therapy until studies prove the procedure is safe. Until that happens, Dr. Koarski plans to keep curing vampires at his centers and he has plans to soon expand into four additional states.
“Our goal is to cure 100 vampires by the end of this year and 250 the year after that,” he declares.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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THRILLING GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the two-part graphic novel Night Cage, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel
Holy moly! A denim company is selling designer jeans that are all holes, no fabric — for a whopping $275!
The spanking new No Holes Barred Jeans have been flying off the shelves since they went on sale on Monday, with chic millennials shelling out big bucks for a chance to wiggle into the trendy designer duds.
“Uber-ripped denim is the hottest fashion trend of 2018, and this is the ultimate extension of the fad,” explains fashion guru and podcaster Carrie Jasperkind. “It’s a playful and sexy look that thumbs its nose at societal norms. To today’s young women, rips signify rebellion. They are both a political statement and a fashion statement.”
TREND-SETTER KIM KARDASHIAN
While deliberately ripped jeans date back to the Punk Rock era, the trend has resurfaced with a vengeance in recent years, popularized by major celebrities ranging from Jennifer Aniston to Kim Kardashian. The size of the holes has steadily grown, from slight gaps at the knees to cutouts that now expose large expanses of bare calves, thighs and buttocks.
The head-turning No Holes Barred Jeans, sometimes referred to as “invisible jeans,” have been on the market in France and Italy since February.
“They’re very popular in Paris,” confirmed restaurant owner Jean-Claude Archambeau. “You look through the window and you’ll see a gaggle of girls crossing the street in those pants. At first, they caused many minor car accidents, but people are getting used to them.”
While $275 may sound like a bundle to pay for jeans, there’s a reason why No Holes Barred Jeans cost more than most blue jeans that actually have material.
“The manufacturing process takes far longer for ripped jeans than ordinary jeans, and our technique is particularly labor intense,” explained George Nerkham, CEO of No Hold Barred Jeans. “Jeans are very sturdy by design. To create rips, most companies use machines to sandblast the denim or burn holes using laser devices. High end brands like ours use hand ripping exclusively, which is better for the environment.
“Each pair of No Holes Barred Jeans has been painstakingly ripped by hand by a skilled artisan who uses only sheers and a fabric picker. To individually rip and finish a pair, removing every bit of fabric, can take several hours.”
These “Extreme Cut-Out Jeans” from Carmar Denim, which sell for $168, are more costly to manufacture than non-ripped jeans.
While the pricey jeans may soon grace the derrieres of millions of American college students, models and Hollywood starlets, experts say they may be frowned upon in offices. And most high school students had better think twice before donning a pair, educators warn.
“This sounds like a violations of our dress code,” said a high school principal in Greenville, South Carolina. “We don’t allow holes above the knee.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his upcoming project:
Vampires take over a women’s prison in this graphic novel. A Kickstarter is underway right now!
Feisty adult movie actress Stormy Daniels, President Trump’s alleged gal pal, has won the hearts of millions of Americans. The overnight sensation is so popular, some voters now believe our hot-to-trot commander in chief should kick his wife Melania to the curb—and make the super-sexy porn queen his next First Lady!
“Stormy is not only younger and hotter than Melania, she’s much wittier and more personable–and unlike Melania, she was born right here in America,” enthused one ardent member of team Stormy. “She’s a savvy businesswoman who came from nothing and made it to the top, which is what this country is all about. She would make an unconventional and fascinating First Lady.”
This wouldn’t be the first time President Trump has traded in a spouse for a newer model. He cheated on first wife Ivana Trump and divorced her in 1992 to marry mistress Marla Maples, then cheated on Marla, dumped her in 1999, and married model girlfriend Melania.
Wife No. 1 Ivana Trump
Wife No. 2 Marla Maples
“If history is any guide, Mr. Trump is due for an upgrade,” points out a Capitol Hill insider. “Melania is 47 and showing wear and tear. Stormy is 38. She also bears as a closer resemblance to his daughter Ivanka as the President himself noted, which is a real plus in his book.”
Most Americans had never heard of the bosomy bombshell until the story surfaced that she and the Prez had a steamy affair. While furious fans of the flamboyant billionaire have raked her over the coals for sullying their leader’s reputation, observers give her high marks for wit in the face of adversity. When one Trump supporter blasted her as a “scank” on Twitter, she calmly tweeted back, “The correct spelling is skank.”
Stormy has won numerous prestigious awards in her industry, including Best New Starlet, Best Breasts and Best Performance in a Safe Sex Scene. The actress was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 2014. What’s more, her brains match her beauty. She’s also an award-winning screenwriter and director. While it may be hard to imagine the bottom-baring blonde rubbing shoulders with Washington big wigs, she’s no stranger to the political scene. Stormy launched a campaign against Republican Senator David Vitter in Louisiana in 2010.
If Trump marries Stormy, she would be the sexiest First Lady in U.S. history.
However, defenders of Melania insist it’s too soon to count her out. They note that the Slovenian immigrant was given special permission to enter the United States because of an unspecified “special talent.”
“That suggests that she’s sort of a genius in one area,” says a voter who wants Melania to hang onto the First Lady job. “And remember, Stormy is no spring chicken either. Porn sites now describe her as a MILF.”
What do you think? Do you belong to team Melania or team Stormy?
If you enjoyed this political satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his books here.
Choreographers, band leaders and military school drill instructors from across America are flooding the White House with suggestions for a unique new marching step for Donald Trump’s upcoming military parade. The proposed steps run the gamut from modified versions of standard marches to highly creative moves inspired by such sources as Hollywood musicals and animal gaits.
“It’s fairly common for world leaders to be honored with personalized marches,” says Eugene Chesterfold, who has choreographed parades for numerous feature films. “Most famously, Adolf Hitler’s troops used the Stechmarsh, better known as the Goose Step, and over the years many other strongmen including Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, Idi Amin, the Shah of Iran and North Korea’s current ruler Kim Jong Un have had distinctive marching styles developed for them.
“For President Trump, our team has come up with a step inspired by his own personal experience with the military. It’s called the Bone Spur Hop. A typical bone spur, like the one that kept Mr. Trump from serving in Vietnam, is the bump a lady gets from wearing high heels, and she may “hop” a bit to keep pressure off that foot. So, the first thing you’ll notice in our march is a jaunty little hop the soldiers take while walking.
“We’ve videotaped a dozen volunteers from the local high school doing the march and submitted it to the White House. Now we’re holding our breath, hoping that our step will be selected for the parade out of the thousands of other submissions.”
MILITARY MAN: Donald Trump’s vigorous days of drilling at boarding school actually gave him more military experience than most who served in Vietnam, the President says.
The Bone Spur Hop has plenty of stiff competition. The imaginative submissions include some drawn from Hollywood classics such as Yankee Doodle Dandy. Other marches are adapted from the stepping dances made famous by African-American fraternities, or incorporate the movements of movie monsters such as those in The Walking Dead, or animals including chimpanzees and roosters. A step called The Strutting Chicken is considered a strong contender for the Trump military parade.
CHICKEN STRUT: The confident stride of a barnyard rooster has inspired a step befitting our “cocky” Commander in Chief.
“Some of these videos just take your breath away when you picture our President standing at a reviewing stand and looking down at his troops marching by behind the tanks and missile carriers,” said a White House source. “Other videos you look at and you just say to yourself, ‘Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?’”
THE GOOSE STEP was popularized by Nazi madman Adolph Hitler.
The Goose Step is of course the most recognizable parade marching style. Troops swing their legs in unison off the ground while keeping each leg straight and unbent. Variations of it—some rather outlandish and flamboyant—are used by militaries in various nations in Asia, Africa and South America. But many other steps are used in military parades across the world. These include the Quick March, typically used by Scotland’s Highland regiments, which march to bagpipe music at 112 paces per minute. The Slow March, in which the feet are kept parallel to the ground and arms are never used, is the traditional step of the French Foreign Legion, and is also commonly used for funeral marches.
The militaries of India and Pakistan are known for their unique marching styles.
Are you interested in proposing a march for President Trump’s military parade? For inspiration, check out this footage of unusual marching styles from around the globe. When you’ve developed your step, recruit a group of friends to practice it. Video your routine and upload it to Youtube, then send the link to the White House . Or put your video on a DVD and mail it to:
Trump Parade Steps, The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Do you have a knack for design? Then you may be in line for fame, glory and cold, hard cash! President Trump’s new personal spy agency is in urgent need of a logo, and if the White House selects your design, you’ll win a whopping $100!
News that the White House is weighing plans for a private spy agency that answers only to the President was recently revealed by investigative reporters for The Intercept. Organized with the aid of experts from the shadowy mercenary outfit Blackwater, the elite corps of secret agents will be funded by wealthy donors. It’s reportedly being put in place to circumvent the NSA, CIA and the 15 other current U.S. intelligence agencies that Trump is convinced are out to undermine him.
Trump’s spy agency doesn’t have a name yet, but one early suggestion, The Research Espionage And Secret Operations Network, has already been shot down.
“The acronym was not a good fit,” an insider said. “All that’s for certain right now is that the first letter will be T, and so that should figure prominently in the design of the logo.”
In our fun contest, readers of this blog are invited to submit a simple drawing of a design for the emblem. Email your submission to freedomshammerpr@aol. com. Because a name has not yet been settled on, you can use “Trump Intelligence Agency” for now. We’ll select the five best designs, publish them on this site, then send them on to the White House. If the President and his team select your design, we’ll issue you a check for 100 bucks. You’ll also be able to brag to pals that your logo graces agency walls, stationary and rings. The deadline is January 1, so get cracking! To give you some inspiration, below are the emblems of some top intelligence agencies from around the world.
China’s Ministry of State Security. They torture you and an hour later you need to be tortured again.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service? Then you’re working for Britain’s famed MI-6
Our own CIA was considered the good guys–until now.
Viva La France! The General Directorate for External Security
Israel’s Mossad is one of the most effective spy outfits in the world.
The SVR is Russia’s external spy agency.
G’day mate, from The Australian Secret Intelligence Service.
Vladimir Putin keeps track of his foes with the FSB, Russia’s internal security agency.
Nigeria’s Defense Intelligence Agency keeps Africa safe.
The BND is the toughest German intelligence agency since the Gestapo.
[Note: Void where prohibited. All participants must be over the age of 7. Employees of Freedom’s Hammer Productions, Forsyth Industries and the Monolithic International Conglomerate are not eligible. The decision of the judges is final, unless overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court.]
If you enjoyed this article by novelist C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of mind-bending stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
NEW YORK CITY — Anti-manspreading crusaders aren’t taking the problem sitting down. They’ve launched a nationwide campaign to snuff out the rude male behavior—by training guys to sit with their ankles primly crossed.
“In etiquette classes, properly raised young ladies are taught to sit with their ankles crossed—never with their knees spread wide, which is of course quite vulgar,” explained retired etiquette instructor Clarice Bowdlake, who spent her 30-year career at a girls’ school for manners. “It is time we teach men to do the same. There is no reason why even the most uneducated man cannot learn to sit with the grace and decorum of Queen Elizabeth.”
There is an epidemic of manspreading on public transportation, experts say.
NEW YORK CITY — Manspreading is when a man sits with his knees spread brazenly apart, particularly on a bus or subway seat when doing so takes up extra space. The inconsiderate conduct has become a bane of female commuters, who complain that they end up either having to stand or sit squeezed uncomfortably to one side.
The training program is the brainchild of activist Courtney Featherstein, who has pushed through numerous ordinances regulating manspreading across the country. Her organization Close Your Legs has hired dozens of expert instructors like Bowdlake to lead classes in 20 cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and D.C.
“Manspreading is more than just an affront to basic civility, it’s a primary symbol of male privilege,” Featherstein declared. “Men use it as a way to project dominance.”
Manspreading is used to communicate power, as in this case where two leaders vie to out-manspread each other.
The two-hour training sessions, which cost $140, don’t just cover sitting. Male enrolees are also shown the proper way to hold a teacup—one pinky extended—curtsey, avoid burping and other basics.
Many of the students are progressive men hoping to learn more sensitive behavior and earn points with their girlfriends. Others have been sent to the classes by forward-looking businesses that cough up the fee and give employees time off to attend. For now, participation is voluntary, but Featherstein hopes that one day soon, high schools will make such classes mandatory for all young males.
“I’d like to see it become as routine as taking a driver’s ed course,” she said.
American men need to be educated on the important issue, the activist revealed. Stunningly, many still don’t even know what manspreading is.
Admits Nick R., 35, of Bangor, Maine, “When I saw a headline with the word ‘manspreading’ in it last year, I thought it was some kind of new gay bedroom move, and I skipped the article.”
But ignorance and homophobia aren’t the only obstacles to stamping out manspreading. So-called “men’s rights” organizations have been whining that the whole movement is anti-male.
“I’d love to sit with my knees pressed together on a bus or subway, but we men have something between our legs we call testicles,” insisted Jerry Nogland, president of the Male Liberation Brigade. “These women are trying to create a society in which all men are effete wusses, like in that movie Zardoz. It’s not right.”
In the bizarre 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz, Sean Connery plays the last remaining masculine human on the planet.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Following the gun massacre at a Texas church in which 26 worshippers were killed, Fox and Friends hostess Ainsley Earhardt commented that if she and her fellow Fox staffers were to be blown away in a mass shooting, “there’s no other place we would want to go other than church.”
The thought-provoking remark has led many Americans to ponder where they would prefer to be gunned down in an upcoming mass shooting. An informal survey yielded a wide range of locales.
Alison K., 38., of Greenwood, S.C., says she’d choose to meet the Grim Reaper while relaxing on a beach, listening to her playlist. Wayne T., 44, of Montgomery, Ala., would spend his final hours in the Playboy Mansion, surrounded by bosomy Playmates. Crafty, 26-year-old Sheryl N. of Boise, Idaho, picked a hospital, where trauma surgeons might be able to extract the bullets and revive her.
A GUN MASSACRE is preceded by a relaxing day in the beach in this scene from the movie American Assassin.
If you had your druthers, where would you be pumped full of lead by America’s next top gunner?
In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!
“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”
Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.
“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”
A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.
“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”
But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.
“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?
“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre new articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
A spirited debate has cropped up among scientists, ethicists and ordinary U.S. citizens about which would be a better replacement species for humankind: a master race of genetically enhanced superhumans, or androids thousands of times more intelligent than people.
“Robot overlords would be more likely to govern fairly because they have no emotions,” argued Bernard Herkstone, a top expert in artificial intelligence.
But humans genetically engineered for superior intelligence get the vote of bio-ethicist Dr. Natalie Lungucci.
Khan, a genetically engineered superman, appeared in a classic “Star Trek” episode.
“Homo Sapiens have had a good run,” she pointed out. “We’ve had dominion over this planet for more than 30,000 years. But it’s time for a changing of the guard. If we can create a new sub-species that is free of disease, has a super-genius I.Q. and none of our flaws, for goodness sake why wouldn’t we? We can take pride in the knowledge that these Numans, as I like to call them, will be our direct descendants, just as we descend from the now-extinct Homo Erectus.”
Computer experts estimate that within a few decades, if not sooner, advances in A.I. will reach what’s known as the “singularity,” the point at which programs have greater reasoning capacity than people.
“Imperfect human politicians can then be replaced by androids with impeccable judgement,” explained Herkstone. “There would no longer be the need for human college professors, journalists or even artists, because synthetic beings will do a much better job.”
Meanwhile, the science of gene-editing is becoming increasingly sophisticated.
“After eliminating hereditary diseases, scientists will be able to move onto removing such flaws as shortness of height and unattractive facial features,” Dr. Lungucci explained. “Genes borrowed from animals will be essential ingredients. DNA from a salamander, for example, could give the Numans the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Plant DNA could give them the ability to obtain extra energy through photosynthesis. Most importantly, the Numans will be as superior to us ‘Old Humans’ in intelligence as we are to the rhesus monkey.”
Now the race is on, experts agree.
“There’s really no telling which type of superior being will cross the finish line first and replace humans as the dominant species on Earth,” Herkstone said. “It will be very exciting to watch.”
This is of course satire…at least for another couple of years. If you enjoyed it, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to pass a bill easing restrictions on gun silencers, the International Society of Gentlemen Assassins is hailing the move–and is asking for equal treatment for other tools of the trade, such as cyanide capsules and poison darts!
“We’re pleased as punch that the government is taking action on silencers, which are so helpful in making it hard to tell where your shots are coming from,” said Dan Castlewick, a spokesperson for the prestigious 80-year-old organization. “Now is the time to make other essential weapons easier to obtain and reduce the hassle of using tried-and-true assassination techniques.”
The I.S.G.A. wants the law relaxed on the following items:
Razor-Edged Bowler Hats
Cyanide capsules
Poison Darts
Feeding to Piranhas
Cattle Stunners (Captive Bolt Pistols)
Car Bombs
Garottes
Tarantulas
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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