Archive for the ‘News Satire’ Category

Russian FBI Director Would “Ensure Independence,” White House Insists   Leave a comment

Russian General Ourumov in 'GoldenEye',

RUSSIAN General Arkady Grigori Ourumov would run a tight ship at the FBI, as fans of the movie “Goldeneye” know.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Just hours after firing FBI director James Comey, the White House is floating the short list of possible replacements – and surprisingly, two-thirds are former KGB officials!

Having a Russian serve as America’s top cop would ensure independence from both political parties and a more streamlined chain of command, supporters of the idea say.

“Wouldn’t it be a relief to have an FBI director with no allegiance to either the Democrats or the Republicans?” a White House insider asked rhetorically. “His lack of bias would be unquestionable. Russians are known for their personal discipline, efficiency and strict adherence to the rules.

“The U.S. and Russia have cooperated successfully with the space program in the past. Why not law enforcement?”

While the list has not yet been officially released, the names that have been run up the flagpole are a Who’s Who list of big wigs in the main branches of Russia’s security state. They include former honchos of the KGB and its successor the FSK, as well as police and investigative agencies. Two men reportedly up for consideration are Igor Stuvowsky, director of the Bureau of Defenestration and Sergei Lukmonov,  head of the Ministry of Information Extraction.

“They’re both incredibly well qualified,” enthused the insider.

Red Heat 3

Russia and the U.S. can successfully cooperate in law enforcement, as demonstrated in the buddy cop movie Red Heat.

Republican lawmakers say they are open to considering such an unorthodox nomination, one hailing Trump’s latest unexpected move “a stroke of genius.” Even congressional Democrats grudgingly admit putting a vodka-sipping Ruskie in the key post might be for the best.

“Let’s face it, from here on in, our G-men and G-gals are going to be taking their marching orders from the Kremlin anyway,” said one Democratic leader. “To avoid confusion, we might as well cut out the middle man.”

Red Heat 2

DISCIPLINED, diligent and dedicated, Russians have much to contribute to U.S. law enforcement, as Arnold Schwarzenegger proves as detective Ivan Danko in Red Heat.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

In Wake of Colbert Outrage, 100 Euphemisms for “C—k Holster.”   Leave a comment

Stephen Colbert

Comedian Stephen Colbert’s mouth has landed him in hot water.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Late-night host Stephen Colbert recently sparked outrage when he wisecracked that the only thing Donald Trump’s mouth is good for is “being Vladimir Putin’s c—k holster.” Critics charge that the funnyman crossed the line in mocking the Commander in Chief’s cozy relationship with the Russian strongman.

“We are shocked and disappointed that this ‘comedian’ would insult our President using a homophobic slur,” fumed family-values crusader Anthony B. Hoeltback, who rose to prominence leading nationwide protests against gay marriage.

Trump’s newly appointed FCC boss Ajit Pai immediately launched an investigation to determine whether Colbert violated the law when he used the word, which was bleeped out on TV. And ardent defenders of the President, sometimes called “yellow snowflakes,” have demanded that CBS fire the comic.

Some gay activists have also objected to the use of the term “cock holster.”

“A holster doesn’t move,” pointed out Ralph Snokely, director of D.C.-based Fair Play For Gays. “If you seem like a holster while performing oral sex, you’re doing something wrong.”

Trump Mouth

BRAGGADOCIOS billionaire Trump is known for blowing his own horn.

But language experts say that determining whether a phrase is truly homophobic can be tricky.

“We Brits have always found it quite curious that in America, a ‘cocksucker’ is not a homosexual, merely a jackass,” observed linguist Jeremy Castleworthy. “Just as Americans have trouble understanding that to us a ‘fag’ is a cigarette.”

Pundits point to the case as an example of the coarsening of political discourse in Washington. Here, in the interest of elevating the discussion, are 100 better synonyms for fellatio that liberals can use when talking about Trump’s relationship with his Russian pal.

1. Bobbing for Apples
2. Taking an Oral Exam
3. Charming the Snake
4. Climbing the Corporate Ladder
5. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation
6. Playing the Skin Flute
7. Polishing the Chrome on the Trailer Hitch
8. Receiving Holy Communion
9. Sampling the Sausage
10. Engaging in Buccal Onanism
11. Christening the Rocket to Uranus
12. Copping a Doodle
13. Gulping Down a Protein Shake
14. Earning Your Keep
15. Pulling a Lewinsky
16. Having a Throat Culture Taken
17. Speaking into the Mic
18. Saying Hello to His Little Friend
19. Getting Knighted by the King
20. Addressing the Staff
21. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat
22. Taming the Baloney Pony
23. Sword-Swallowing
24. Telling it to the Judge
25. Saying a Brentwood Hello
26. Gumming the Root
27. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath
28. Giving Brain
29. Teasing the Tallywhacker
30. Praying to St. Peter
31. Punishing the Purple-headed Pirate
32. Yaffling the Yogurt Slinger
33. Having a Zipper Dinner
34. Putting Lipstick on the Dipstick
35. Gobbling a Green Bean
36. Honkin’ Bobo
37. Flossing With a Twig
38. Polishing the Trombone
39. Visiting the White Swallow Inn
40. Tasting the Tootsie Roll
41. Huffing Bone
42. Giving a Hummer
43. Monkeying Around on the Mouth Organ
44. Interrogating the Prisoner
45. Polishing the Knob
46. Larking
47. Blowing the French Horn
48. Hiding the Harmonica
49. Tuning in to “The Neil and Bob Show”
50. Cleaning Up With the Hoover

Sword swallower

SWORD-SWALLOWING is one of the many euphemisms for the steamy love act.

51. Licking the Lollipop
52. Making Mouth Music
53. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye
54. Hobnobbing with Dr. Cyclops
55. Wolfing Down a Footlong
56. Saying Howdy to Johnny Come Early
57. Waxing the Nightstick
58. Training the Dragon
59. Milking the Anaconda
60. Trapping an Alabama Blacksnake
61. Catching a Trouser Trout
62. Lubricating the Wedding Tackle
63. Checking your Temp with an Oral Thermometer
64. Committing Oral Sodomy
65. Peeling the Banana
66. Practicing Penilingus
67. Oiling the Piston
68. Playing Pan’s Pipes
69. Playing the Pink Oboe
70. Performing Secretarial Duties
71. Doing a Bit of Skullbuggery
72. Smiling at Mr. Winky
73. Doing a Bracejob
74. Testing your Throat Depth
75. Getting Your Knees Dirty
76. Meeting President Johnson
77. Tasting a Candy Cane
78. Waxing the Carrot
79. Smoking the Peace Pipe
80. Wetting the Whistle
81. Nibbling a corncob
82. Enhanced Inhaling
83. Wearing Out the Presidential Kneepads
84. Getting Your Tonsils Tickled
85. Loading the Mayonnaise Cannon
86. Playing Sorcerer’s Apprentice with the Wizard’s Wand
87. Giving a Home to a Tennessee Throat Warmer
88. Washing Wally the Wonder Weasel
89. Waking up Sergeant Stiffy
90. Preparing the Love Torpedo for Launch
91. Hotdogging
92. Snacking on Meat ‘n’ Potatoes
93. Neck-boning
94. Straightening out a Dangling Participle
95. Hoisting a Tent Pole.
96. Greeting the Ambassador
97. Saying “Ahh” for the Tongue Depressor
98. Giving a French Handshake
99. Singing around the Maypole
100. Auditioning for Pink Floyd

Trump Putin Horse

HOMOEROTIC imagery  — like this Photoshopped pic —  have no place in American politics, say outraged defenders of President Trump.

Copyright C Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Trump Rump is Latest Plastic Surgery Fad   Leave a comment

US tycoon Donald Trump plays a stroke as

REARING TO GO: President Trump’s titanic tush has spawned a plastic surgery fad.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — If you long to be in the seat of power, you should get behind a HUGE new trend in plastic surgery known as Trump Rump. Since November, scores of ambitious businessmen across America have undergone the procedure to give them enormous butts just like the President.

“It’s rising in popularity among executives,” explained top L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Bernard Hurzelweiss. “Having an impressively large and shapeless rear end tells the world you’re not some junior executive who has to work out at the gym to get women. You’re a mover and shaker who doesn’t have worry about your looks. You spend your days in a boardroom making deals – not hopping around an office burning off calories.

“Trump Rump is the new power tie.”

During the campaign, when the billionaire real-estate tycoon was seen mostly in his trademark blue business suit, the candidate’s caboose went unnoticed. It was not until the newly elected leader began to vacation at his Florida mansion Mar-a-Lago that he flaunted his flabby fanny on the golf course.

“It really took us by surprise,” said a newspaper photographer who snapped the President’s pudgy posterior.

butt implant

JUMBO-SIZED silicone implants like this are used for the buttock augmentation.

In the procedure, which takes about 1 ½ hours and costs an average of $9,500, doctors insert a pair of hefty silicone-filled implants into the patient’s bottom.

“I couldn’t sit down for two weeks, but it was totally worth it,” said Daniel K., a 45-year-old pharmaceutical company VP. “I feel more confident and I get plenty of envious looks from my peers in the industry.”

It’s estimated that this year at least 160 men have gone under the knife to emulate the chunky-cheeked chief executive.

Jennifer Lopez

DERRIERE DIVA: Jennifer Lopez is famous for her eye-popping  hindquaters.

“Until now, buttock augmentation has been far more popular with women, who are typically seeking a shapely Jennifer Lopez look,” according to Dr. Hurzelweiss. “Those numbers are starting to shift.”

Bigger bums aren’t the only cosmetic change that CEOs have pursued to mimic their idol. Many business leaders have also adopted orange spray tans and dyed their hair blonde.

“I even had one client ask for a hand reduction,” the plastic surgeon revealed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

“SYMBOLIC” TRUMP WALL WILL BE JUST 6 FEET TALL.   Leave a comment

GARDEN wALL 4

Even a short wall like this one can send a powerful message.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Undersized hands aren’t the only way Donald Trump has come up short. It turns out his border wall may be a measly six feet tall!

The President’s plans for a towering and majestic barrier between the U.S. and Mexico were scaled back after Congress balked at the estimated $38 billion price tag.

“This compromise is a win for both Trump and Republicans in Congress,” explained a Capitol Hill insider. “It allows the President to show supporters that he honored his promise to build a wall, while satisfying deficit hawks that money won’t be wasted. The savings can be used for something more useful, such as tax cuts for large corporations.

“Even though it will be smaller than originally envisioned, Trump Wall will remain a powerful symbol to would-be illegal aliens that they aren’t wanted here.”

As a candidate, the flamboyant real-estate tycoon vowed to build a “great, beautiful wall” as high as 40 feet tall, a magnificent structure that could be seen from space just like the Great Wall of China. But at just 72 inches, the cut-down-to-size Trump Wall will be so teensy, most fit adults would be able to scale it; some high-school track stars could leap right over it — and even miniscule Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales could scurry up and over in seconds.

Yet supporters of the pared down project aren’t concerned.

“This is truly a case where size doesn’t matter,” the source insisted. “The main concern with the original plan was that the Mexicans might dig tunnels. Well, it’s as hard to tunnel under a 6-foot wall as it is to tunnel under a 40-foot wall.”

Great Wall of China

The Great Wall of China is one of the eight wonders of the modern world.

During the campaign, Trump claimed that cost wasn’t an issue because Mexico would pay for the wall – and he stuck to his guns even after Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vehemently declared that his nation wouldn’t fork over a single pesos for the “insulting” eyesore.  After the election, the billionaire prez acknowledged that U.S. taxpayers would foot the full bill for his dream project and demanded funding from Congress — saying money could be taken from less important areas such as the Coast Guard and food for the elderly. But lawmakers refused to include funding in this year’s budget, and furious Trump warned of a government shutdown unless they knuckled under. When they didn’t, the President reluctantly backed down, promising supporters the wall-funding issue would be reconsidered this fall when negotiations for the following year’s budget begin.

“Since then, various more-modest proposals for the wall have been run up the flagpole, including the idea that it would extend only half the length of the border,” the insider revealed. “But when the suggestion of simply building a shorter wall was offered for consideration, it instantly received widespread support.”

sPEEDY 1

FLEET-FOOTED cartoon rodent Speedy Gonzales would be able to get over the smaller, cheaper Trump Wall in no time flat.

To trim costs even further, undocumented aliens will work on the wall – but only on the southern side.

“When the wall is complete and they find themselves stuck on the Mexican side, they’ll get the message: ‘Your services are no longer required – stay out!’ ” said the insider.

As another savings measure, the U.S. government won’t cut checks for those workers when the job is done.

“Even more than the art of the deal, as a real-estate mogul, Mr. Trump mastered the art of stiffing contractors,” the insider noted. “If these Mexican citizens are never paid for their labor, he would have shown he is a man of his word: Mexico in effect did pay for the wall.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

C.I.A. Scheming to “Turn” Trump — into an AMERICAN Operative!   Leave a comment

donald-trump-spy-magazine-06

REAL LIFE James Bond? Donald Trump looks great in a tux just like 007, as this 1998 magazine cover shows.

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Crafty C.I.A. spymasters are quietly working behind the scenes to “turn” Donald Trump – flipping the Russia-backed leader into an American operative!

“If we can pull this off, Trump could be the most effective, highest-level double agent in history,” a source was quoted as saying in the intelligence industry newsletter International Espionage Weekly.

Seventeen U.S. intelligence agencies have confirmed that Russia meddled in the November presidential election to plant the flamboyant tycoon in the White House. Shockingly, a dossier prepared by a British intelligence officer claimed that the Russian government used graphic video of Trump’s steamy sex acts with prostitutes to blackmail him into serving as a puppet of strongman Vladimir Putin.

“Perhaps Putin turned Trump into a high-level mole, but two can play that game,” the source said. “We’re confident we can recruit the President. Once on our side, he would be in the perfect position to mislead the Russians, providing them with false information on troop movements, missile plans and a host of other sensitive matters. Putin will think Trump is doing his bidding while just the reverse is true.”

The source admits that it’s hard to use standard C.I.A. techniques such as bribery to turn Trump, whose net worth is in the billions.

“It’s that old question, ‘What do you give the man who has everything?’ It’s a matter of figuring out what makes a person tick, and then using that information to engineer a defection.”

While Trump might become the world’s most famous double agent, many others have come before him. History.com recently put out a fascinating list of some of these daring spies who lived dangerous double lives.

spy-vs-spy

ART OF THE DOUBLE CROSS: Backstabbing is a mainstay of the intelligence field,  as fans of Mad Magazine’s “Spy Vs. Spy”  know.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Giant Moat More Practical Than Trump Wall, Engineers Say   Leave a comment

 

mOAT ALLIGATORS

Proposed Freedom Moat will be stocked with alligators.

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

A consortium of engineers has proposed a cheaper and more effective alternative to the colossal $25 billion Trump Wall: a moat protecting the 1,900-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

“A moat is far less expensive to construct than a wall, because you don’t need millions of tons of concrete and other building materials,” explains lead designer Jerry Nilcreft. “It’s essentially a glorified ditch and it doesn’t need to be very deep. As shallow as 8 feet would make it impossible for illegals to wade across. The estimated cost of the border moat is $7 billion – about a quarter of the cost of a wall.”

The proposed Freedom Moat would be supplied with water from the Rio Grande, which flows from the U.S. into Mexico.

“Filling the moat is a logistical challenge that can easily be met,” claims Nilcreft, whose group has submitted a 180-page feasibility study to the White House.

Mexicans who think they can just swim across the moat had better think again, because it will be stocked with alligators!

“The American alligator breeds very rapidly. Each female lays up to 50 eggs at a time,” the planner says. “From a small initial population obtained from the nearby Texas wetlands, we could soon have several thousand acting as America’s ‘first line of defense’ at our southern border.”

 

MOAT ONE

OLD SCHOOL: 3-D model of medieval castle with moat

Moats were first used in medieval Europe around 1066 A.D., the time of the Norman Conquest, to protect castles from attack.

“As a form of defense, moats were remarkably effective,” according to British historian Roberta Chepplewhite. “They made it impossible for attackers besieging a castle to either scale the walls or tunnel under them.”

In recent decades, engineers have begun to revisit the old-school approach. In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a concrete moat was constructed around the Catawba Nuclear Station in South Carolina. In many modern zoo installations, moats instead of fences separate animals from visitors.

But won’t crafty Mexicans simply row across the Freedom Moat in boats? No – because the water will also be chock full of hippopotamuses imported from Africa. The highly territorial creatures routinely tip over canoes and other boats and use their enormous 20-inch tusks to impale the hapless passengers.

 

hIPPO

HIPPOS are not as friendly as they look.

“Contrary to their jolly image in children’s books and cartoons, hippos are extremely aggressive,” notes Nilcreft. “They kill more people than crocodiles. Would-be illegal aliens who witness such attacks in person or on TV won’t dare to attempt a crossing.”

Some critics of the plan argue that hippos would have a hard time adapting to the American southwest, but experts point to evidence of the animal’s success as an invasive species.

“In the 1980s, the notorious drug lord Pablo Escobar purchased four hippos for his private menagerie at his mansion in Columbia,” reveals zoologist Cerece Ann Moueller. “After Escobar’s death, they were left unintended and now a herd of at least 40 is thriving happily in the nearby Magdalena River.”

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

Spies from Botswana Set To Topple Putin — and Trump!   Leave a comment

Barney 2

GADGET GURU Barney Collier (Greg Morris) was a key member of the Mission: Impossible team.

By C. Michael Forsyth

The tiny African nation of Botswana has reportedly dispatched its own Mission: Impossible-type spy team to engineer the overthrow of Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. And even more shocking, their next target is American President Donald Trump!

“It’s total role reversal,” says a U.S. intelligence source who has compiled a dossier on the alleged scheme. “During the Cold War, it was the superpowers who sent spies to thwart the dictators of Third World countries. That scenario was played out again and again on the 1960s TV show Mission: Impossible, as the American spy ring concocted ingenious plots to bring about the downfall of the tin horn dictators of banana republics, played by actors like Ricardo Montalban and Fernando Lamas. Now it’s a small Third World country that’s deployed agents to rescue the two superpowers from authoritarian rule and make the world safe for democracy.”

Ricardo Montalban spy

Screen legend Ricardo Montalban frequently played tin horn dictators in ’60s spy shows.

The source likened the flip-flop to the movie The Mouse that Roared, in which the pint-sized European country of Grand Fenwick declares war on America and launches an invasion carried out by 20 men outfitted in medieval chainmail.

“The difference is that these are secret agents, not soldiers – and based on what we know of the efficiency of Botswana’s spy agency, there is a very real possibility that they will actually pull off their mission.”

Putin Crimea

President Putin is widely viewed as a vicious, cold-blooded tyrant. The former KGB boss has murdered a host of opponents, including journalists, activists, and political leaders – with radioactive materials his frequent weapon of choice — and he’s jailed scores of others, such as the peaceful protest group Pussy Riot. The Russian leader has also ruthlessly bombed civilians and rebel groups in Syria, brutalized Georgia and Chechnya, invaded Ukraine and brazenly annexed Crimea, the first such land grab in Europe since 1945.

Pussy riot jailed

Russians who dare to oppose Putin, like the group Pussy Riot, tend to wind up in jail — or dead.

“Putin has has flooded the West with so many spies that there are more in England today than during the Cold War – including those licensed to kill who carry out his personal vendettas,” the source revealed. “He’s a venal and violent real-life supervillain who usurped power and uses his position to enrich himself and his cronies, amassing a private fortune close to $200 billion. In the past, the CIA might have been ordered to quietly overthrow someone that evil, but that won’t happen, for obvious reasons. The government of Botswana’s president Seretse Khama Ian Khama sees Putin as a threat to world stability and feels it has a moral obligation to step in.”

Botswana map

Out of all the countries in Africa, it’s not entirely surprising that Botswana stepped up to the plate. While it has a miniscule population of about 2 million, it has never been conquered or colonized and is one of Africa’s most stable countries, boasting the continent’s longest continuous multi-party democracy. According to a recently BBC profile, it is virtually free of corruption and has an excellent human rights record.

“Botswana is the world’s largest producer of diamonds and the trade has transformed it into a middle income nation,” the report states. Gay rights groups have recently been granted legal recognition – a far cry from Russia, where Putin has issued draconian laws against the LGBT community. “Botswana has a long tradition of lively and unimpeded public debate,” according to the BBC, which notes that the government has allowed a “free and vigorous” press to flourish.

“In many ways it’s like the fictional country of Wakanda that the comic book hero The Black Panther calls home,” the intelligence source notes.

In contrast to the sober-minded leaders of Botswana, temperamental tycoon Trump has branded journalists “enemies of the people” – and that’s one of the red flags that raised concern in the African nation.

“Botswana sees Trump as potentially even more dangerous to world peace than Putin,” the source revealed. “A classified document we obtained describes him as an ‘emotionally unstable narcissist and pathological liar, with authoritarian tendencies.’ They fear that it’s simply too risky to allow someone like that to have his finger hovering over the red nuclear button.”

Trump dictator 2

Could Trump really be overthrown like the buffoonish leader of some banana republic?

How the African secret agents intend to bring down the two leaders is as yet unknown. Experts say that the Botswana intelligence agency is highly sophisticated, modeled closely on the superpowers’ own Cold War-era spy networks.

“We anticipate the use of intricate and cunning plots, high-tech gadgets hidden in objects such as watches, cigarette lighters and shoes, the use of glamorous lady spies and other staples of the intelligence field,” the source says. “Their agents have been trained in methods such as gaining access to secure facilities by pretending to be carpet cleaners and crawling through narrow airshafts.”

The fact that the agents are African and the Russian population is almost entirely white won’t pose much of an obstacle, he adds. “There have been incredible advances in disguise technology since those masks of the Mission: Impossible era.”

Mission impossible team

TV’s Mission: Impossible team employed  trickery, technology and clever disguises.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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