Archive for the ‘fashion trends’ Tag

$275 JEANS ARE ALL HOLES, NO FABRIC   Leave a comment

 

Bottomless cropped

HIGH END jeans are made entirely of holes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

 

Holy moly! A denim company is selling designer jeans that are all holes, no fabric — for a whopping $275!

The spanking new No Holes Barred Jeans have been flying off the shelves since they went on sale on Monday, with chic millennials shelling out big bucks for a chance to wiggle into the trendy designer duds.

“Uber-ripped denim is the hottest fashion trend of 2018, and this is the ultimate extension of the fad,” explains fashion guru and podcaster Carrie Jasperkind. “It’s a playful and sexy look that thumbs its nose at societal norms. To today’s young women, rips signify rebellion. They are both a political statement and a fashion statement.”

 

Kim Kardasian ripped jeans

TREND-SETTER KIM KARDASHIAN

While deliberately ripped jeans date back to the Punk Rock era, the trend has resurfaced with a vengeance in recent years, popularized by major celebrities ranging from Jennifer Aniston to Kim Kardashian. The size of the holes has steadily grown, from slight gaps at the knees to cutouts that now expose large expanses of bare calves, thighs and buttocks.

 

The head-turning No Holes Barred Jeans, sometimes referred to as “invisible jeans,” have been on the market in France and Italy since February.

“They’re very popular in Paris,” confirmed restaurant owner Jean-Claude Archambeau. “You look through the window and you’ll see a gaggle of girls crossing the street in those pants. At first, they caused many minor car accidents, but people are getting used to them.”

While $275 may sound like a bundle to pay for jeans, there’s a reason why No Holes Barred Jeans cost more than most blue jeans that actually have material.

“The manufacturing process takes far longer for ripped jeans than ordinary jeans, and our technique is particularly labor intense,” explained George Nerkham, CEO of No Hold Barred Jeans. “Jeans are very sturdy by design. To create rips, most companies use machines to sandblast the denim or burn holes using laser devices. High end brands like ours use hand ripping exclusively, which is better for the environment.

“Each pair of No Holes Barred Jeans has been painstakingly ripped by hand by a skilled artisan who uses only sheers and a fabric picker. To individually rip and finish a pair, removing every bit of fabric, can take several hours.”

 

Carmar denim extreme cutout jeans $168

These “Extreme Cut-Out Jeans” from Carmar Denim, which sell for $168, are more costly to manufacture than non-ripped jeans.

 

While the pricey jeans may soon grace the derrieres of millions of American college students, models and Hollywood starlets, experts say they may be frowned upon in offices. And most high school students had better think twice before donning a pair, educators warn.

“This sounds like a violations of our dress code,” said a high school principal in Greenville, South Carolina. “We don’t allow holes above the knee.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this satire, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of way-out news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

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BIKINI WAXING IS OUT, A FULLER LOOK IS IN, FASHION GURUS SAY   Leave a comment

OUT: The Landing Strip and other waxing styles are out of fashion.

IN: A more overgrown look is all the rage among the chic set.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES – Ladies, don’t schedule that bikini wax yet. Lush lady gardens are the hot new look this summer!

Top celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox and Reese Witherspoon are reportedly putting aside their razors, canceling private waxing sessions and sporting a natural bikini area.

“The fuller look is definitely in vogue among chic young women this season,” confirms fashion editor Christine Guldstens. “Trendsetters such as Hollywood stars, music industry icons and supermodels are choosing what’s called Jungle Jane style in overwhelming numbers.”

A whopping 80 percent of women ages 18 to 25 said they don’t plan to trim “down there” this summer, according to a poll conducted by a leading women’s magazine. That may sound like fuzzy math, but a waxing industry trade journal reports a precipitous drop in revenue since October. The downturn reverses 20 years of growth in “honey pot” tidying services and the rise of popular styles such as the Landing Strip, Brazilian, French, Hollywood and of course the Bald Eagle.

TIME-CONSUMING waxing, shaving and laser hair removal are not in vogue among Hollywood superstars.

The easy-to-maintain look goes hand in hand with the more modest swimsuits that are dominating 2012.

“You can’t carry off the Jungle Jane in a thong,” explains Guldstens, “unless you have a high tolerance for kids throwing sand at you and calling you Chewbacca.”

By and large, men appear to be taking the change in stride.

“I never really understood why my girlfriend spent all that time and money just to end up looking just like my cousin Cindy did playing doctor at age six whenever she dropped her underwear,” says sports photographer Ed Hilkey, 34. “Frankly that hairless look on grown women gives me the heebie jeebies.

“I’m so glad she’s switched to this Jungle Jane thing. Hopefully this means us guys won’t be expected to do ‘manscaping’ anymore either.”

DARING swimsuits like this one from Toxic Lingerie are less common on the beach this summer than in years past.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

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