Archive for the ‘Homeland Security’ Tag


Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…

… actor Henry Hull.

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!

In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.

“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.

But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.

“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”

Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.

The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…

…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”

“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”

But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.

“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”

— C. Michael Forsyth

Who could that be under all that hair?

GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.


MYSTERIOUS gizmo is not of this Earth, Air Force investigator claims.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES — Talk about a close encounter! Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport reportedly recovered a mysterious alien implant – during the routine body-cavity search of a female passenger!

The 2.5 centimeter object is made of an as yet unidentified metal alloy, says a source close to the investigation.

“We haven’t begun to understand what its purpose is,” said the source. “However, we have ascertained that it is emitting leptons, subatomic particles that can be generated by current Earth science only with the aid of a massive particle accelerator. One theory is that the device is designed to send and receive signals outside the boundaries of three-dimensional space.”

The bizarre discovery has been hushed up by officials and the investigation has been turned over to the U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, often referred to as the “real-life Men in Black.” But before the blanket of secrecy was thrown over the case, TSA supervisor Dan Houstlin told reporters he was flabbergasted to learn that the space gizmo had been retrieved from the 31-year-old passenger’s rectum.

“In the past, we’ve found drugs, missing ‘toys’ in gay men, even small exotic animals people tried to smuggle into the country,” he said. “But in my 14 years on the job, not anything remotely like this.”

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL: A body-cavity search can be quite invasive, as demonstrated by these actors on the website.

The passenger Debbie, whose last name is being withheld at the request of authorities, says she was taken aback when TSA workers pulled her aside after she passed through a full-body scanner.

“They told me that something had shown up and I was going to have to be searched,” she told a reporter after the incident.

The Hollywood casting agent, who was returning from a vacation in Caracas, was escorted to a small room where three female guards ordered her to strip everything off, “even your false eyelashes.”

“It was very embarrassing,” Debbie said. “They used flashlights to look in my hair, my mouth, my ears. They made me spread my legs a few feet apart and bend over at the waist. Then I had to clap my hands on my cheeks and pull them apart.

“One TSA woman said she couldn’t see well enough and told me to spread wider. She claimed she still couldn’t see and ordered me to ‘open up’ even wider. I was surprised when I heard her say, ‘What the hell is THAT?’ ”

The TSA agents – often called America’s first line of defense in the war on terror — murmured as they took turns inspecting with their penlights, craning for a better look.

“We could see what looked like a foreign object and called for a nurse to perform the more invasive, manual cavity search,” one of the security officers revealed on the condition of anonymity.

“The procedure took a few minutes because the nurse had to go in very deep. We all stood watching, curious to see what she would find. Eventually she stood up holding this small, strange-looking metallic object.”

The object was whisked away for examination by the secretive U.S. Air Force Special Investigations Unit, which imposed a total press blackout on the case.

FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE: Making sure passengers are properly searched is a TSA agent’s most solemn duty.

Dr. Kevin Hastlekin, a respected UFO investigator and leading authority on alien implants, says the mysterious device was likely put in place by E.T.s as the woman slept, perhaps as long as 10 years ago.

“Every time the government gets its hands on one of these objects, it’s an opportunity to advance science,” he observes. “We may be able to solve questions in the field of quantum mechanics that have baffled physicists for decades.”

The frazzled passenger is now undergoing a battery of physical and psychological tests to determine what if any effects the extraterrestrial gadget might have had on her. Although admitting she found the cavity search grueling, she’s grateful to the airport staff who extracted the implant.

“I’m just glad that weird thing isn’t in me anymore,” she said. “The whole experience has me very creeped out.”

A GIANT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR the size of a warehouse is usually needed to produce the amount of leptons emitted by the tiny alien device.

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…

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Read Hour of the Beast.

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