Archive for the ‘bizarre news’ Tag

Kim Jong Un to U.S. : Turn over Wolf Girl or “Face Annihilation.”   Leave a comment

Wolf Girl Update

HUNTED: Photo of Wolf Girl taken in squalid “human zoo” prior to her escape.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PYONGYANG — A month after North Korea’s famous wolf girl escaped from her cell beneath the palace of Kim Jong Un, the depraved dictator has accused the U.S. of sheltering the fugitive freak of nature in a secret C.I.A. safe house.

In a rambling, 11-minute speech on state-run television, the dangerously unstable tyrant demanded that President Donald Trump turn her over – or else.

“The Wolf Girl is a national treasure and the property of the people of North Korea,” the pudgy strongman declared. “If she is not returned within 72 hours, America will face absolute annihilation. We will unleash our mighty nuclear arsenal and the people’s missiles will reduce the city of Washington to ashes.”

The Wolf Girl, who is covered head to toe in fur-like hair, is believed to suffer from a rare birth defect called congenital universal hypertrichosis. Her heartbreaking plight first came to light when human-rights activists revealed the existence of Kim’s sick private “zoo” stocked with at least 150 human oddities beneath the presidential palace. Ironically, the diminutive despot showed little concern for the welfare of the pitiful 17-year-old creature before her daring escape from the squalid cell where she’d been held since infancy.

“Kim mistreated the Wolf Girl terribly whenever he visited his human menagerie,” revealed a palace source. “He would prod her with his walking stick and squeal with delight when she snarled.”

Kim Jong Un

MADMAN Kim Jong Un gleefully mistreated the Wolf Girl when she was in his clutches.

The extreme urgency North Korea has attached to recapturing the Wolf Girl appears to be politically motivated. During her weeks on the lam, she became a symbol of freedom to peasants suffering under Kim’s brutal communist regime.

“The government cannot allow such a living symbol to remain free,” explained the insider. “It is a threat to Kim’s authority.”

The U.S. government has neither confirmed nor denied that it has given refuge to the mute teen, who communicates only in grunts, yips and howls, and crawls about on all fours. But a reliable State Department source claims that dissidents delivered her to American agents after she was found wandering the streets of the capital.

“She was naked, with her fur caked in mud and filth,” he revealed. “She was wild-eyed and terrified, nipping at anyone who tried to help her.”

Trump signing

DAY OF DECISION: President Donald Trump

Now President Trump is facing the greatest moral dilemma of his young presidency.

“This is a real profiles-in-courage moment,” the State Department source stated. “The President has to decide which is more important: The freedom of one brave girl whom many might consider one of ‘Mother Nature’s mistakes’ or the safety of 325 million Americans.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Spies from Botswana Set To Topple Putin — and Trump!   Leave a comment

Barney 2

GADGET GURU Barney Collier (Greg Morris) was a key member of the Mission: Impossible team.

By C. Michael Forsyth

The tiny African nation of Botswana has reportedly dispatched its own Mission: Impossible-type spy team to engineer the overthrow of Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. And even more shocking, their next target is American President Donald Trump!

“It’s total role reversal,” says a U.S. intelligence source who has compiled a dossier on the alleged scheme. “During the Cold War, it was the superpowers who sent spies to thwart the dictators of Third World countries. That scenario was played out again and again on the 1960s TV show Mission: Impossible, as the American spy ring concocted ingenious plots to bring about the downfall of the tin horn dictators of banana republics, played by actors like Ricardo Montalban and Fernando Lamas. Now it’s a small Third World country that’s deployed agents to rescue the two superpowers from authoritarian rule and make the world safe for democracy.”

Ricardo Montalban spy

Screen legend Ricardo Montalban frequently played tin horn dictators in ’60s spy shows.

The source likened the flip-flop to the movie The Mouse that Roared, in which the pint-sized European country of Grand Fenwick declares war on America and launches an invasion carried out by 20 men outfitted in medieval chainmail.

“The difference is that these are secret agents, not soldiers – and based on what we know of the efficiency of Botswana’s spy agency, there is a very real possibility that they will actually pull off their mission.”

Putin Crimea

President Putin is widely viewed as a vicious, cold-blooded tyrant. The former KGB boss has murdered a host of opponents, including journalists, activists, and political leaders – with radioactive materials his frequent weapon of choice — and he’s jailed scores of others, such as the peaceful protest group Pussy Riot. The Russian leader has also ruthlessly bombed civilians and rebel groups in Syria, brutalized Georgia and Chechnya, invaded Ukraine and brazenly annexed Crimea, the first such land grab in Europe since 1945.

Pussy riot jailed

Russians who dare to oppose Putin, like the group Pussy Riot, tend to wind up in jail — or dead.

“Putin has has flooded the West with so many spies that there are more in England today than during the Cold War – including those licensed to kill who carry out his personal vendettas,” the source revealed. “He’s a venal and violent real-life supervillain who usurped power and uses his position to enrich himself and his cronies, amassing a private fortune close to $200 billion. In the past, the CIA might have been ordered to quietly overthrow someone that evil, but that won’t happen, for obvious reasons. The government of Botswana’s president Seretse Khama Ian Khama sees Putin as a threat to world stability and feels it has a moral obligation to step in.”

Botswana map

Out of all the countries in Africa, it’s not entirely surprising that Botswana stepped up to the plate. While it has a miniscule population of about 2 million, it has never been conquered or colonized and is one of Africa’s most stable countries, boasting the continent’s longest continuous multi-party democracy. According to a recently BBC profile, it is virtually free of corruption and has an excellent human rights record.

“Botswana is the world’s largest producer of diamonds and the trade has transformed it into a middle income nation,” the report states. Gay rights groups have recently been granted legal recognition – a far cry from Russia, where Putin has issued draconian laws against the LGBT community. “Botswana has a long tradition of lively and unimpeded public debate,” according to the BBC, which notes that the government has allowed a “free and vigorous” press to flourish.

“In many ways it’s like the fictional country of Wakanda that the comic book hero The Black Panther calls home,” the intelligence source notes.

In contrast to the sober-minded leaders of Botswana, temperamental tycoon Trump has branded journalists “enemies of the people” – and that’s one of the red flags that raised concern in the African nation.

“Botswana sees Trump as potentially even more dangerous to world peace than Putin,” the source revealed. “A classified document we obtained describes him as an ‘emotionally unstable narcissist and pathological liar, with authoritarian tendencies.’ They fear that it’s simply too risky to allow someone like that to have his finger hovering over the red nuclear button.”

Trump dictator 2

Could Trump really be overthrown like the buffoonish leader of some banana republic?

How the African secret agents intend to bring down the two leaders is as yet unknown. Experts say that the Botswana intelligence agency is highly sophisticated, modeled closely on the superpowers’ own Cold War-era spy networks.

“We anticipate the use of intricate and cunning plots, high-tech gadgets hidden in objects such as watches, cigarette lighters and shoes, the use of glamorous lady spies and other staples of the intelligence field,” the source says. “Their agents have been trained in methods such as gaining access to secure facilities by pretending to be carpet cleaners and crawling through narrow airshafts.”

The fact that the agents are African and the Russian population is almost entirely white won’t pose much of an obstacle, he adds. “There have been incredible advances in disguise technology since those masks of the Mission: Impossible era.”

Mission impossible team

TV’s Mission: Impossible team employed  trickery, technology and clever disguises.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formatsBizarre News Cover 5.

ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY.   Leave a comment

 

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.

“Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts,” explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. “The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.

“If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain.”

In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a “walker” approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.

“He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants,” she told investigators. “Suddenly the phrase ‘the dead shall rise’ took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind.”

Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.

Walking Dead Hardcore

LIFE IMITATES ART: In this “The Walking Dead” porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!

 

In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who’d been buried weeks earlier.

“The right side of Kimberly’s face had mostly rotted away, but she’d kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out,” Ken B. told a researcher. “The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.

“She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I’ve got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I’d always had a crush on her. But I just couldn’t get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates.”

But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.

“This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe,” the hunter told investigators. “Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I’d still rate her about an 8.

“I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this ‘come hither’ look over her shoulder. I’m ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation.”

Zombie sexy

DON’T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.

Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency’s hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be “in the hundreds,” with the numbers growing each year.

“The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites,” explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. “The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Florida Governor Wards off Climate Change — Using Magic!   Leave a comment

CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater -- unless white magic licks the problem.

CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater — unless white magic licks the problem.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MIAMI, Florida — Governor Rick Scott has banned Florida officials from using the term “climate change” – and the age-old form of magic might actually save the state from global warming!

“This potent type of magic has been used to ward off danger since the dawn of human history,” explains Karyn Fultenbach, high priestess of a prominent Wiccan coven in Miami. “When a tribe encountered a sabretooth in a cave, the shaman would warn the others not to say the word ‘sabretooth.’ They would instead close their eyes and only use the word ‘cat.’ This would keep the early humans safe, and some experts believe this is actually how ordinary house cats evolved.”

The National Climate Assessment recently named Miami one of the U.S. cities most vulnerable to damage from rising sea levels. Experts have warned that the ocean could rise several feet, putting much of the state’s beautiful beachfront property underwater. So, soon after Scott was elected, employees of the Florida Department of Environmental Protection were sternly ordered to refrain from using the terms “climate change,” and “global warming” in official communications.

Fultenbach and her 12 fellow witches have written the governor recommending that the technique also be used to ward off specific natural disasters associated with climate change.

“He should also forbid the uses of the terms ‘flooding,’ ‘tsunami’ and ‘category 5 hurricane,’” she advises.

INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists' heads.

INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists’ heads.

The danger-denying form of white magic was used in ancient times to defeat demons, according to the Wiccan priestess.

“A demon god would often be referred to only as ‘He Whose Name Shall Not be Spoken,’” she reveals. “Forbidding people from mentioning it by name was a way to drive it from existence. This worked, and the concrete evidence is that few of those demon gods exist today.”

In the Middle Ages, practitioners of Wicca used the white magic technique to protect their villages from the Black Plague.

“If a stranger wandered into town covered with oozing sores, white witches would warn the people never to utter the word plague. So no one could catch the disease,” says the 43-year-old Wiccan.

GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.

GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.

Ironically, the lifesaving acts led to the demise of many witches. Fearful and suspicious church officials, who thought only the Devil could have spared the isolated towns, often had the witches burned at the stake.

Not everyone thinks that using white magic to battle climate change makes sense.

“It sounds crazy,” says Gus Quelby of the conservative group Florida Citizens for Common Sense. “So crazy it just might work. But resorting to paganism is dangerous. We’re a Christian state. Even if using magic does prevent global warming from affecting Florida, it goes completely against the teachings of Jesus.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.


"The Blood of Titans" is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

NSA Warns Spunky Teen Girl Really COULD Topple Police State.   Leave a comment

LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising against the government, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in "The Hunger Games."

LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in “The Hunger Games.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a “security state” fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!

“Every simulation we’ve run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19,” revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they’re a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They’re expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults.”

The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.

“We’re not talking about ‘rounding up’ anyone at this time,” the insider assured the public. “We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we’re working so hard to construct.”

PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in "Insurgent."

PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in “Insurgent.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.


"The Blood of Titans" is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.

YELLOW 1985 CAMARO REINCARNATED AS BLONDE!   Leave a comment

Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hilderbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.

Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hildenbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — George Kelnway was heartbroken when his beloved 1985 Camaro was totaled in a wreck 25 years ago. But he believes the object of his affection has returned to him in the form of a curvy 24-year-old blonde.

And a top expert in the psychic phenomena agrees that the evidence is “overwhelming” that Monica Hildenbrook really did live before as the canary-yellow sports car.

“This is one of the most extraordinary cases of reincarnation I’ve ever encountered,” declared paranormal researcher Dr. Bella Delungo. “It’s like that old TV show My Mother the Car, but in reverse.”

Among the striking coincidences cited by the investigator:

• Monica was born at 8:40 p.m. on May 4, 1989 – the one-year anniversary of the 1988 crash, down to the very hour and minute.
• Her hair is an unusual bright yellow that’s virtually the exact shade of Kelnway’s car, and yellow is also her favorite color.
• Her favorite song is “La Bamba” the ditty that was playing on the car radio at the moment of the accident.
• She has a lifelong affinity for automobiles and works as a model at car shows.
• Whenever she sees the color red, she stops dead in her tracks.

“Monica has headlights you can’t take your eyes off of and plenty of junk in her trunk, just like my Camaro,” declared Kelnway, a 46-year-old marketing consultant. “The moment I laid eyes on her I felt a connection. It was the same bond I had with my first car.”

The road trip into The Twilight Zone began in 1985 when Kelnway received the spanking new vehicle as a high school graduation present. He fell head over heels in love with the car.

LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn't keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.

LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn’t keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.

“George lavished so much tender loving care on that Camaro,” his mother Katherine recalled. “He’d spend hours detailing it, waxing and buffing it. We’d joke that it was like his girlfriend.”

But the romance screeched to halt when Kelnway got in a head-on collision with a driver who’d fallen asleep at the wheel. Miraculously, the young college student walked away with only minor injuries, but his car was damaged beyond repair.

“When the tow truck took my car away I cried like a baby,” he recalled.

TRAGEDY: George Kelnway's Camaro was wrecked 25  years ago.

TRAGEDY: George Kelnway’s Camaro was wrecked 25 years ago.

Over the years Kelnway bought and sold many other cars, but never forgot his first. Then, in May 2013, as he shopped in the canned vegetable aisle at Wal-Mart, he smelled an eerily familiar fragrance.

“I turned and saw this gorgeous blonde in a yellow mini skirt,” Kelnway remembered. “Not only was her outfit the same color as my old Camaro, her perfume smelled just like the interior. I couldn’t help blurting out ‘You smell like my first car.’ She laughed and told me ‘Everyone says this perfume is like ‘new car smell,’ but I don’t care – it’s my favorite.’”

Kelnway, feeling an instant attraction, asked for her number on the spot. Monica, who also says she felt sure she knew George from somewhere, eagerly accepted. They hit it off on the first date and have been an item every since.

George Kelnway

George Kelnway

“When I found out that Monica loves driving at high speeds and models at car shows, the reincarnation thing began to occur to me, but it seemed too crazy to be true,” Kelnway said. “Then, on about our third date, when we were driving home from the movies, she started humming “La Bamba” and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.”

The couple dated for several months before Kelnway dared suggest his reincarnation theory to his stunning young girlfriend. Although she thought the whole idea was silly, in September she agreed to undergo past-life regression under the supervision of Dr. Delungo. The results were mind-blowing.

“Under hypnosis, Monica remembered being put together on an assembly line, and vividly recalled the accident,” the researcher revealed. “She accurately described the make and color of the other car involved in the collision, as well as the first three letters of the license plate – information she was not privy to.”

CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com "My Mother the Car," Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.

CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com “My Mother the Car,” Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.

The expert says this isn’t the first instance of a person having lived before as a machine. There are recorded cases of humans being reincarnated as army tanks, toasters, even electric can openers.

“In the cycle of births and deaths, a soul can return to the material plane as a human, animal or inanimate object depending on the moral quality of the previous life’s actions,” Dr. Delungo explained. “In all likelihood, Monica’s soul began its journey as a human. According to the laws of karma, misdeeds caused her to be reincarnated in an animal form, then, spiraling downward, as a series of objects. Now it appears that the powers that be are giving her another shot as a human.”

After emerging from the trance, Monica had no conscious recollection of her prior existence and was stunned to hear a recording of the hypnosis session.

“I have to accept that I actually was once a car,” she said. “You can’t argue with science.

“My friends love to make wisecracks, like ‘How’s life in the fast lane?’ or ‘Did George wax your rear end this morning?’ But it doesn’t bother me. All I know is that George and I have a special bond and this time I don’t want anything to ever separate us.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.

Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

Rich folks in China Having Face Lifts — to Look Different From Everybody Else!   Leave a comment

WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.

WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.

“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.

Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.

OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.

OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.

“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”

According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.

Super-rich Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this unique face.

FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.

The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.

“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”

Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.

Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”

The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.

The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

NEW DHS FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE CAN IDENTIFY WEREWOLVES   Leave a comment

Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…

… actor Henry Hull.

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!

In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.

“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.

But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.

“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”

Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.

The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…

…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”

“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”

But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.

“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”

— C. Michael Forsyth

Who could that be under all that hair?

GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.

Iran’s Female Zorro Beats Up Clerics Who Scold Women for “Immodest” Clothing!   1 comment

MASKED AVENGER: Mystery woman faces death if captured.

By C. Michael Forsyth

SHAMIRZAD, Iran – Iranian authorities have issued a fatwa – a death warrant – for a burqa-clad mystery woman who beats up clerics who scold ladies for immodest dress!

Since September, 14 holy men have been beaten to a pulp by the veiled vixen – enraging leaders in a nation where women are supposed to be subservient. Known only as the Mystery Virgin, she has been likened to the swashbuckling masked avenger Zorro.

“Because she’s covered head to toe, none of the injured victims have been able to identify her,” says Iranian journalist Davood Jobrani of the People’s Report.

“Authorities are frustrated – and concerned that if the Mystery Virgin is not captured soon, disrespectful behavior could spread among the female population. They fear we might have women running around in blue jeans and high heels. The imans have launched the mother of all manhunts for the assailant.”

Iranian law demands that women abide by a strict dress code that bans Western clothing. Those who break the rules risk public reprimand by the “morality police,” clerics or alert male citizens – and for serious breaches can be carted off to jail.

The first known attack took place in the northern town of Shamirzad. According to Iran’s official Mehr News Agency, the Mystery Virgin pummeled the cleric so badly that he needed hospitalization.

Respected religious leader Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti told reporters he was on his way to pray at a mosque when he encountered a young woman and warned her that her ankles were partially exposed.

“She responded by telling me to cover my eyes, which was very insulting to me,” still-shaken Beheshti recalled. When he demanded she cover up, the Mystery Virgin told him to “put a lid on it.” Then she punched him so hard he hit the ground.

OPPRESSED Muslim women in Iran are forced to cover themselves head to toe in a garment called a burqa — or face cruel punishment.

Since then, more than a dozen clerics in the area have reported similar incidents in which they criticized women for non-Isamic dress or conduct and were severely thrashed for the unsolicited advice.

“I saw a woman reading an American fashion magazine in the park and noticed that she was wearing nail polish,” Arash Hadandi told Iranian TV. “I ordered her to put away the magazine and scolded her for her shamelessness. Out of nowhere a second woman appeared and told me to shut up.

“I said, ‘How dare you? Go on your way or you’ll get a good caning.’

“She replied, ‘The only one who’s getting a beating today is you.’ The harlot knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I was unconscious.”

Hadandi suffered a broken nose and two fractured ribs in the brutal attack.

News of the Mystery Virgin’s exploits has spread throughout the country, along with wild rumors. Some Iranians believe the two-fisted superheroine studied martial arts, or perhaps picked up tricks from bootleg Jackie Chan DVDS, in clear violation of Sharia, Muslim holy law.

“She delivers blows so rapidly and her roundhouse kick is so powerful that she may indeed have received some special training,” said Police Inspector Mahoud Rostami, who is leading the investigation. “Or it could merely be that rage has given her abnormal strength.”

HUMILIATED: This cleric was beaten within an inch of his life, then stripped of his robes, authorities say.


Adding insult to injury, two of the victims were left stripped to their underwear. Clergyman Farid Karimi denounced a woman he spotted on the street as a “prostitute” because he could make out her curves through her burqa. The Mystery Virgin came to her rescue, taking down Karimi with a lightning fast blitz of jabs and uppercuts.

“As I lay sprawled in the alley, she said, ‘I don’t like your fashion sense either,’ and yanked off my robes,” Karimi told newsmen. “As I tried to cover myself she disappeared into the gathering crowd.”

Karimi, who was found to be wearing women’s undergarments, now faces criminal charges himself. But it is the elusive Mystery Virgin whom authorities are determined to bring to justice. If captured, she could face a trial before a religious tribunal and death by stoning.

The Mystery Virgin has become a symbol for the pent-up anger of downtrodden Muslim women, to whom she’s become a hero.

“They may condemn her in front of their husbands at the dinner table,” notes reporter Jobrani. “But when they are in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, they praise her in hushed voices.”

SWASHBUCKLING Zorro, portrayed here by Tyrone Power, also defended the weak and oppressed.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

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The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

Conservative “Lady Godiva Coalition” to March on D.C. NUDE to Protest Taxes   Leave a comment

LADY GODIVA, seen here in this famous painting by John Collier, was the first to use nudity to protest taxes.

By C. Michael Forsyth

A group of staunchly conservative women has laid bare a bold plan to protest high taxes. They’ll march through Washington with picket signs  – buck naked!

The Lady Godiva Coalition, as the anti-tax crusaders call themselves, announced yesterday that they will strut their stuff on April 17, Tax Day.

“We expect at least 40,000 women to converge on the Capitol,” says organizer Yvonne Merghell. “These are women who strongly believe in family values and that getting to keep what you earn is one of those values.”

Some of the most prominent female conservatives in the country may join in the flesh-flaunting procession. Invites have gone out to dozens of pundits including Ann Coulter, Tomi Lohren, Michelle Malkin, Stacey Dash, Lila Rose and Katie Pavlich, but no word yet if any of them will attend.

“We’re crossing our fingers that some big names will make an appearance,” reveals Merghell. “We’ve already had some positive responses but we’ll have to wait and see who actually shows up. If some ladies chicken out at the last minute I’ll certainly understand.”

The organization takes its name – and its inspiration — from the 11th century English noblewoman Lady Godiva, who protested her husband’s plan to raise taxes by riding naked through the city of Coventry. The shocking strategy worked like a charm. Her mortified mate Leofric, Earl of Mercia, hurriedly scuttled the tax hike.

This isn’t the first time activists have stripped to bring attention to a cause. Left-wing environmental, anti-war and animal-rights groups – most notably PETA – have resorted to buns-baring tactics many times over the past few decades. But it’s the first time on record that right-wing females have doffed their duds en masse in protest.

“When we first started phoning women’s organizations around the country, asking for support, we were met with some skepticism,” admits Merghell. “The chairwoman of the Southern Baptist Church Ladies League was especially hesitant. But once she understood what an important cause this was, she agreed to put it to a vote and the members agreed to participate by an overwhelming margin.”

AU NATUREL: Animal rights groups have been protesting in the all together for years.

Liberals are furious that conservatives are stealing a page from their book. Many vow to shutter their office windows to show their disdain for what they brand a “silly publicity stunt.”

“I plan to be out of town that day and so do scores of my colleagues,” sniffed one Democratic congressman. “We have no interest in seeing a bunch of flabby grandmas who hate tax fairness waddle around making fools of them.”

But GOP leaders are eagerly looking forward to the anti-tax procession and insist the naked truth is that Democrats are jealous.

“This is just sour grapes because our women are so much hotter than their women,” argues Republican pollster Andy Mossick, noting that conservative think tanks have been focusing their recruitment efforts on attractive young college grads in recent years.

“The liberals know they can’t have Hillary Clinton, Donna Brazile and the other dumpy Plain Janes in their party lead a nude march and they’re frustrated.”

LEADERS of the Lady Godiva Coalition hope that some of the prominent female conservatives below will show up — and bare all — to show their support.

Tomi lahren

Tomi Lohren

 

Conservative Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter

 

Michelle Malkin

Michelle Malkin

 

Stacey Dash

Stacey Dash

 

 

Katie Pavlich

Lila Rose

If you enjoyed this piece of news satire  by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.

Bizarre News Cover 5.

C. Michael Forsyth, the author of this article, has written a critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast, soon to be a major motion picture.

To check out Hour of the Beast visit Amazon.com or save $4 by clicking HERE. The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBook is a mere $5.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

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